Thicker for Scotland – New SNP battle cry

SCOTLAND’S OUT of depth educashun secretary accidentally reveals cunning new Nationalist Neverendum victory plan:

“The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. There’ll be none of that pish in our new Thicker Scotland said Constance yesterday.

By Thikaz Phukk – Educashun Corespondet

THE Nationalists were in meltdown last night as educashun secretary Angela Constance laid the blame for Scotland’s declining school litrasy and numrasy on the Nationalists.

“The equity gap is utterly unacceptable,” she said. “The difference between what we say we’ll do and what we actually do is nowhere near wide enough.

“Some children are not failed by our rhetoric on education and we want to make sure it is all children who are failed by it.

“We want to instil into the poor kids that it’s okay to own a X-Box 360 instead of a X-Box One and that the Galaxy S3 smartphone can be as good as the latest iphone – we’ll teach them patience and acceptance and, if they vote SNP, they can pick one up cheap from Cash Converters at a preferable rate.

“We believe in equity for Nationalist voters.”

But, the flailing secretary unwittingly let loose the real reason for the concerted lowering of litrasy and numrasy rates in Scotland when she told “astonished” journalists:

“We know from our polling data that the younger you are, the less well off you are and the thicker you are, the more likely you are to fall for and vote for Nationalist assertions.

“Critical faculties are suspended when you’re too dumb to think for yourself and poll after poll proves that the thicker you are the more likely you are to be taken in by our magic money tree economics.

“As the past eight years have shown, if you keep churning them out without the ability to analyse or formulate original thought, they’ll believe anything we tell them.

“Thicker for Scotland – that will win the next Neverendum.”

 

Exclusive: Scotland in danger from new strain of fact-resistant humans

NEW RESEARCH exposes dangerous fact immune virus currently sweeping through Scotland:

“Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

By Maya Earsarshut

SCOTLAND: Social scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact resistant humans who are threatening the ability of the country to tolerate political opposition, according to a new academic study.

Research conducted by the University of the West of Scotland (UWS) has identified a virulent strain of ‘MacUber-humans’ who are virtually immune to any form of non-Nationalist rhetoric.

This new strain, also known as ‘Bravehearts’, ‘Flag Drapers’, ‘Wangers’ or ‘SNP Card Carrying Members’, are notable by their high information, low comprehension habits and their ability to regurgitate Nationalist propaganda at the mention of the BBC.

According to Professor Gerry Hassan of UWS, “These fact resistant humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information. And yet they have developed groupthink defenses which, for all intents and purpose, have rendered those faculties completely redundant.”

More worryingly, Hassan said, “As Nationalist rhetoric gets ever more exposed for the threadbare sham that it is, their defenses against political reality have only grown more resistant and belligerent.”

While the research bods have no clear explanation for the phenomenon, one theory currently gaining ground is that the strain may have developed an ‘anti-Scottishness’ filter which protects them from inconvenient information disseminated against their country.

“The normal functions of political discourse and debate have been completely nullified and we are facing an epidemic of people immune to their country being talked down,” Hassan said.

Despite the gloomy outlook, Hassan held out hope that the threat of the MacUber-humans could be mitigated in the future. “The research is in the preliminary stages, but it’s possible they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, public services or giro-cheques – also known as Full Fiscal Autonomy Scotland,” he said.

 

A tribute to SuperSalm – superhero of the Nationalist class

Poor wee Skintland. Not only is it rich in natural resource, as we found out last week, it is also rich in Superheroes. AhDinnaeKen investigates:

Superheroes give us hope for the future. Thanks to SuperSalm we know what we can look forward to – total capitulation to corporate muscle flexing.

By Deecee McComics

Narrator: Faster than a speeding sloth. More powerful than a loco Labour party. Able to leap on parliamentary aides in a single bound.

Average Jock 1: Look! Up in the headlines! It’s a turd.

Jock Wummin: It’s insane!

Average Jock 2: It’s SuperSalm!

Narrator: Yes, it’s SuperSalm. Strange visitor from another parliament, who came to Skintland with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. SuperSalm, who can change the course of mighty corporations, bend intransigent Unions in his bare hands. And who, disguised as a bloated Politician and profligate Firstminster of a mediocre Parish Cooncil, fights a neverending battle for troof, corporatism and the Tartan Tory way. And now, another sleep inducing episode in the adventures of SuperSalm:

SuperSalm and the capitulation of ordinary people to evil corporations

Narrator: There’s trouble brewing at the Petro-chemical plant. Benevolent international corporate tax avoiders need to put troublesome native workers in their place. Lex Luffer-Ratcliffe requires assistance in holding the country to ransom while shafting his workforce and simultaneously getting the taxpayer to gift him with trouser loads of risk free money.

Average Jock 1: No one in the world is capable of doing that!

Jock Wummin: Yer probably richt!

Average Jock 2: It’s time to call for SuperSalm!

SuperSalm: Stand aside keachy mortals! I shall use my superpowers to give Lex Luffer-Ratcliffe everything, and more, that he wants.

Narrator: SuperSalm and super little helper Lois Lane-Swindley do everything in their power to help shaft their own citizens.

SuperSalm: Another victory for corporate backscratching. I shall bask in the Nationalist mythologising of this victory for indecency and ‘civic progressive’ values for many months to come.

Look forward to more of this supine capitulation to corporate power Jock citizens. We will break free from the imperialistic yoke of the evil empire. Better a corporate slave than a Unionist slave.

Narrator: Next week we shall follow the adventures of SuperSalm as he demonstrates the best methods to keep parliamentary aides satisfied while still maintaining a ‘happy marriage’ with his super mum/wife.

Firstminster Salmond to go where he likes in an Independent Skintland

Normal rules will not apply to Firstminster Salmond in an independent Skintland it has been claimed, following an alleged security and protocol breach at a school in Aberdeenshire recently.

“I’ve played so many historical characters because most horrible dictators are short, fat, middle-aged men.” – Bob Hoskins. Coming soon, ‘The Neverendum’, starring Bob Hoskins as Firstminster Salmond.

By Naked Rambler

FIRSTMINSTER SALMOND will be able to go wherever he likes whenever he likes in an independent Skintland it has been revealed.

The plans, already in place for schools in Aberdeenshire, are expected to be rolled out in honour of a miraculous Neverendum victory post September 2014.

But the plans have been bitterly opposed by backstabbers, traitors and Stockholmed Syndromed civil liberty types, still clinging to the outdated belief that people should be free to ignore the anointed Firstminster if they so choose.

According to a new draft bill the ‘Salmond Can Go Where He Chooses Act’, the Firstminster will be given the keys to the country.

In essence, the Five Pensioned Firstminster will have the constitutional right, enshrined in plasticine parliamentary law, to go where he wants, when he wants.

No one will have the right to refuse the Firstminster access.

The Act, which has already witnessed a Pilot run in an Aberdeenshire school, has elicited fierce and bitter ‘loser’ complaints from Quislings and anti-SNP types.

Quinten Labour-Torybasa, of the Outmoded Political Standards Committee said: “I was in my kitchen preparing my favourite curry when a voice from behind me advised me that I should add more coconut milk.

“It was Five Pensions Salmond flaunting his culinary wad at me. I nearly added too much cumin in surprise.”

Other horror stories of the Firstminster’s freedom rambling have involved couples in the act of lovemaking suddenly being advised to “slow down” and “use a smooth touch” or people in the bath receiving suggestions that they should “use more bubble bath”.

Freedom loving, protocol ignoring, rule rewriting spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.

“The Salmond Can Go Where He Chooses Act will ensure that people will hear this anytime any place.”

That Wiz the Week that Wiznae #2

Sometimes creeping torpor, slithering ennui and an ever present sardonic smile isn’t enough to keep the Neverendum boredom at bay. AhDinnaeKen takes a lazy gambol over the previous week’s news. ZZZzzzz…

“For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity and from a clinician to a bean counter.” – William Longshanker Penn.

By Longshanker

Sunday May 19: Big Brother is watching your child

Civilian! Be careful the values you instill in your child!

The Sunday Express runs a chilling story which, despite the Big Brother graphic and overly sensationalised conclusions, perfectly  illustrates the controlling aspect of the Nationalist mindset.

All Skintish children are to have a ‘named person’ looking after them, noting down all reported instances of anti-Skintish thoughtcrime or behaviour exhibited by the child’s parents. Information recorded is then entered into a database to be used later in order to assign citizenship grading – a form of social audit.

According to the report, the specific aim of the bill is “to undermine parents and give the “community” a greater role in raising children.”

In Orwell’s seminal novel, 1984, the chief protagonist, Winston Smith’s, neighbour, Parsons, falls prey to his children reporting him to the thoughtpolice for speaking in his sleep against Big Brother. A ridiculous notion for modern day Skintland but…

Summed up: The moral difference, if any, between a citizen and a civilian is, a citizen accepts responsibility for the protection of the body politic. A civilian does not. All civilians should beware, the SNP thoughtpoliceman  in your home could be your ‘citizenised’ child.

Monday May 20: The Cancer Sufferer Clearances

The main condition for cancer treatment is affordability. Hurrah for doing things differently here.

Piggy Eyed Patsy Healthminster, Alex Kneel, is ambushed and metaphorically bang ganged on the BBC’s Call Specialkay programme. His policies on health, mean that Skintish cancer sufferers wishing to live, will have to leave Skintland and live in England – a post-modern clearances meme for Bella Caledonication types.
Even the presbyterian puritan wing of the Independence movement cannot deny the natural conclusion of Kneel’s performance and explanations regarding the dispensation of life saving cancer drugs..
No matter how he, his cat herding political master, or his political master’s Star Chamber spin it, access to life saving Cancer drugs is found to be dependent on price and the rulings of SMC managers – not clinicians – in Skintland.

Summed up: The poison chalice of health imposed on the Piggy Eyed Patsy
is seriously undermining him. He might yet end up being called Doctor Death. A shameful example of how ‘we do things differently here’.

Tuesday May 21: Nationalists publish a very serious docupamphlet – Skintland’s Economy: the Heidcase for Independence.

Me and my levers. Sun King Salmond sets out his case for more levers in Skintland.

At first the forensically detailed 69 page docupamphlet reads like the much vaunted positive case for the Union. It makes it easy to imagine Bitter Together stealing some of the rhetoric and assertions for later use…

In the document’s foreword, the anointed one, Sun King Salmond himself, pleads his visionary case for more levers.

Martin Luther King had a dream. Moses had a vision. Alex Salmond wants a full set of levers.

That’s right, levers! A full set! The sort of economic implements you lever economic levers economically with.

It’s certainly inspired AhDinnaeKen with the zeal and vision of new flowering Skintish political landscapes populated with all different types of levers – economic, political, cultural and social.

In the document’s foreword, in reference to Skintland, Wee Ecky says, “we lack a full set of economic levers”. He also says we are a lever deprived country because he later adds, “Westminster deprives Scotland of the levers.”

And, as he further explains, it’s all Westminster’s lever hoarding fault because they’re durty English lever hoarding basturts. How dare they? They’ll be voting in their droves for a Nationalist party soon and be wanting to lever themselves out of the Union next, er, haud on?!

We don’t have anywhere enough levers in Skintland according to the Firstminster. We need, and must have, more levers for levering the other economic levers to give us more leverage, or something.

Summed Up: I’m not an Indy A-lever, are you an Indy B-lever?

Wednesday May 22: It’s oor baw an’ aw. Gie’s a gemme or wur no playin’

If you’re going to issue threats to anyone, sometimes it’s best to actually be in the position to follow through on it. Ho hum!

Ex-banker Salmond threatens to embarrass Skintland on the international stage by reneging on its debt obligations to the rUK.

In a speech to some bus makers while launching the Heidcase for Independence docupamphlet, he tells the Chancer of the Exchequer that he kens it’s the Chancer’s baw, but if he disnae get a shot, he’s no gonnae play, and he’s takin’ aw the jumpers gettin’ used as goal posts.

Summed up: Are we supposed to take the Nationalists seriously? This reminds AhDinnaeKen of a similarly styled threat made by Wee Eck at the Johnnie Walked rally in 2009. Paul Walsh, Heid Honcho of Dirageo, ‘bitch slapped’ Salmond fir that wan. Take heed – or is that heid? – Wee Ecky, yer tea’s oot.

Thursday May 23: FMQs – sombre mood, sombre conclusions

Blessed be the cancer sufferers, for ‘social justice’ Skintish style has passed them by.

With his most serious, sombre and statesmanlike voice and poise, Dr Death Salmond is virtually forced by Wee Jimmie Krankie Lamont to admit what Piggy Eyed Patsy Kneel had already admitted earlier in the week: if you’ve got cancer and money in Skintland you will live, if you don’t, you will die. Unless, that is, you move to England where they still dispense these drugs free at point of need.

Summed up: AhDinnaeKen has a degree of sympathy for the Skints government on this one. But the vast majority of our* heartfelt sympathy goes out to the cancer patients denied treatment due to cost.

Friday May 23: Curriculum for Mediocrity is still mediocre shock!

Would you turn your back on this man? Answers on a front facing blackboard please.

Elitist, nepotist and most despicable of all the Nationalists, Mike Bernhard Rust-ell, continues to ignore the impending disaster of his creepy and tainted Curriculum for Mediocrity.

Anyone who has ever read the philosophical values and associated guff which accompanies their schoolchild’s school reports etc. cannot help but be apprehensive regarding its emphasis on ‘citizenship’ and ‘values’. Tied in with the ‘Named Person’ policy outlined above, it’s easily viewed as more than sinister – a conclusion only cemented given the ‘thistle grasping’ minster in charge.

Summed up: A prima facie example of unproven assertion directed straight into policy. No wonder the teachers are revolting.

Saturday May 24: New BBC Skintland Editor required for build up of Neverendum snore-athon documentaries.

Ahh! The British Brainwashing/Bolshevik/Bourgeois Corporation. It’s just so bloody biased.

The great thing about this new position is that, no matter who gets the job, they will automatically be accused of bias by somebody. And long may that continue. As AhDinnaeKen once pointed out, the BBC is biased against everybody. Lord Reith himself would have been proud of such an accusation.

Expect to see the following labels crop up in the coming months: British Brainwashing Corporation, British Bolshevik Corporation and British Bourgeoise Corporation etc etc tedious etc.

Summed up: Neutrality always looks like support fir the ither side.

Silly Berkcow DID commit Thoughtcrime rules Big Badass Brother

Smart arse Berkcow gets a caning for committing Thoughtcrime in a truly chilling verdict for sarcasm, irony and idiocy. AhDinnaeKen peeks from behind the curtains:

Why has Silly got her kit off? – *innocent face*.

By Silly Berkcow

THE WHOLE of Twitfaced Britain is facing a huge reappraisal of its thinking/Tweeting following the Silly Berkcow libel judgement in the Highdehigh Court yesterday.

Justice Tugshiscock ruled that Big Speaker’s star Berkcow defamed Lord Lorksalordy in a tweet last November.

She falsely outed him as a human being with a nervous system following a frenzy of television speculation that he was in fact an inhuman monster.

The broadcast – since proven untrue – claimed a senior Tory Tory from the Thatcher years had, at one time, actually behaved like a human being.

Silly, the wife of a big speaking wee man, asked her 56 million Twitter hingers-on: “Why is Lord Lorksalordy recoiling in pain when he is pricked? *Innocent face*?”

Lord Lorksalordy who played a pivotal role in Thatcher’s triumphant years, said Berkcow’s Tweet suggested he was a human being and sued Mrs Berkcow over the slur.

She apologised for sending the Tweet but has repeatedly denied the comment was libellous.

However, the court did not see it that way and ruled she should be publicly humiliated and impoverished.

Justice Tugshiscock said the “natural and ordinary meaning ” of her words meant Lord Lorksalordy was a human being who was guilty of compassion, weakness and tolerance.

He added the words “innocent face” would have been seen by her followers as “sarcastic, jokey and ironical”, and her tweet provided readers with the “last piece of the jigsaw” that Berkcow is indeed an attention seeking arsehole.

The judge said: “Us Lords are fed up of the proletariat thinking they can say what they want on digitalised Socialist media.

“This travesty of a ruling should send out a strong message. Think twice before you decide to question the ruling elite.”

SCOTTISH HEADLINES ‘MOST BIASED’ SINCE YESTERDAY

A bias recognised is a bias sterilised according to Benjamin Haydon. Unfortunately that doesn’t stop some self appointed ‘activist’ types from going on and on and on about it. Ho hum! Zzzz…

“Activism in the real world is tough. Online activism is just tedious.” – Calumnity Cashley

By Media Monitor-Mendicant

SCOTTISH NEWSPAPER headlines were officially declared as “misleading” yesterday after a self appointed ‘media monitor’ found them guilty of biasedness for over 300 years running.

“Yesterday’s headlines were blatant enough,” said Wangs Over Skintland, “but today’s have hit a new level of Unionist conspiracy.

“The fears are that tomorrow’s headlines will be the worst since records began.” he frothed.

“There are no signs of less biased headlines on the horizon and it may be years before we see any sort of recovery in ‘truthful’ reporting like that exhibited by my 20 years of, ahem, ‘professional journalism’.

“Please give me some money, the despicable Unionist oppressors are going to put me on the Work Programme if you don’t…” (cont. 292 pages).

Those Disgustingly Biased Headlines In Full

Biasedness worst since I said so says Wangs Over Skintland

Biasedness worst since Wangs said so says Peter A Dumb-Bell

Biasedness worst since Xmas Turkey vote in 1979 says SNP

Biasedness worst since Culloden says Bonnie Prince Charlie

Biasedness worst since Dunbar says Oliver Cromwell

Biasedness worst since Flodden says James IV’s widow

Biasedness worst since Falkirk says William Wallace

Biasedness worst since Mons Graupius says Calgacus

[For more outrageous, oppressive, lying, disgustingly despicable Mainstream Media Bias cast your eyes on anything Broadcast by the BBC or published in the Telegraph, Scotsman, Herald, Guardian, Daily Record, Independent, Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star and Metro. At least, that’s what the Media Monitor medicant would have you believe in his capacity as an, ahem, ‘professional journalist’. Try not to laugh too hard.]

Salmond’s paragons of independence?

Independent countries to aspire to?

A lit bit of scrutiny goes a far way…

AhDinnaeKen isn’t sure what to make of Salmond’s fantasy future epitomised by the so called 30 independent countries list – cited as justification for the recently SNP asserted Independence timetable. We* thought we’d* take a closer look and check for ourselves.

AhDinnaeKen never has been and never will be closed to the idea of indpendence for any country, including Scotland. But, we* will always scrutinise anything asserted by a wee parochial Nationalist snake oil huckster like Tricky Dicky Salmond.

We* did enquire of Tricky Dicky as to how these countries had fared post-independence, but he was too busy preparing bunting for the midnight handover of the Butcher’s Apron in exchange for the self righteous purity of the sanctified saltire in 2016. Therefore, we*’ve had a quick flick through some of these paragons of independence and, to put it mildly, we*’re embarrassed for the man who would be Sun King.

AhDinnaeKen is embarrassed to present Salmond’s dirty dozen (in terms of the debate):

Senegal
The French colonies of Senegal and the French Sudan were merged in 1959 and granted their independence as the Mali Federation in 1960. The union broke up after only a few months. Senegal joined with The Gambia to form the nominal confederation of Senegambia in 1982. The envisaged integration of the two countries was never carried out, and the union was dissolved in 1989. The Movement of Democratic Forces in the Casamance (MFDC) has led a low-level separatist insurgency in southern Senegal since the 1980s, and several peace deals have failed to resolve the conflict.

 
Niger
Niger became independent from France in 1960 and experienced single-party and military rule until 1991, when Gen. Ali SAIBOU was forced by public pressure to allow multiparty elections, which resulted in a democratic government in 1993. Political infighting brought the government to a standstill and in 1996 led to a coup by Col. Ibrahim BARE. In 1999, BARE was killed in a counter coup by military officers who restored democratic rule and held elections that brought Mamadou TANDJA to power in December of that year.

 

Mali
The Sudanese Republic and Senegal became independent of France in 1960 as the Mali Federation. Rule by dictatorship was brought to a close in 1991 by a military coup that ushered in a period of democratic rule. Malian returnees from Libya in 2011 exacerbated tensions in northern Mali and Tuareg ethnic militias started a rebellion in January 2012.

 
Algeria
After more than a century of rule by France, Algerians fought through much of the 1950s to achieve independence in 1962. The Government of Algeria in 1988 instituted a multi-party system in response to public unrest, but the surprising first round success of the Islamic Salvation Front (FIS) in the December 1991 balloting led the Algerian army to intervene and postpone the second round of elections to prevent what the secular elite feared would be an extremist-led government from assuming power. The army began a crackdown on the FIS that spurred FIS supporters to begin attacking government targets, and fighting escalated into an insurgency, which saw intense violence between 1992-98 resulting in over 100,000 deaths.

 

Jamaica
Jamaica gained full independence when it withdrew from the Federation in 1962. Deteriorating economic conditions during the 1970s led to recurrent violence as rival gangs affiliated with the major political parties evolved into powerful organized crime networks involved in international drug smuggling and money laundering. Violent crime, drug trafficking, and poverty pose significant challenges to the government today.

 
Comoros
Comoros has endured more than 20 coups or attempted coups since gaining independence from France in 1975. In 1997, the islands of Anjouan and Moheli declared independence from Comoros. In 1999, military chief Col. AZALI seized power in a bloodless coup.

 
Djibouti
Unrest among the Afars minority during the 1990s led to a civil war that ended in 2001 following the conclusion of a peace accord between Afar rebels and the Issa-dominated government. In 1999, Djibouti’s first multi-party presidential elections resulted in the election of Ismail Omar GUELLEH;  The present leadership has longstanding ties to France, which maintains a significant military presence in the country, but also has strong ties with the US. Djibouti hosts the only US military base in sub-Saharan Africa.

 
Slovenia
 Dissatisfied with the exercise of power by the majority Serbs, the Slovenes succeeded in establishing their independence in 1991 after a short 10-day war.

 

Eritrea

On 30 November 2007, the Eritrea-Ethiopia Boundary Commission remotely demarcated the border by coordinates and dissolved itself, leaving Ethiopia still occupying several tracts of disputed territory, including the town of Badme. Eritrea accepted the EEBC’s “virtual demarcation” decision and called on Ethiopia to remove its troops from the TSZ that it states is Eritrean territory. Ethiopia has not accepted the virtual demarcation decision. In 2009 and 2011 the UN passed sanctions resolutions on Eritrea after accusing it of backing anti-Ethiopian Islamist insurgents in Somalia.

 

Macedonia

Since 2004, the United States and 133 other nations have recognized Macedonia by its constitutional name, Republic of Macedonia. Some ethnic Albanians, angered by perceived political and economic inequities, launched an insurgency in 2001 that eventually won the support of the majority of Macedonia’s ethnic Albanian population and led to the internationally-brokered Ohrid Framework Agreement, which ended the fighting and established guidelines for the creation of new laws that enhanced the rights of minorities.

 

Timor-Leste

On 20 May 2002, Timor-Leste was internationally recognized as an independent state. In 2006, internal tensions threatened the new nation’s security when a military strike led to violence and a breakdown of law and order. At Dili’s request, an Australian-led International Stabilization Force (ISF) deployed to Timor-Leste, and the UN Security Council established the UN Integrated Mission in Timor-Leste (UNMIT), which included an authorized police presence of over 1,600 personnel.

 

South Sudan

Since independence South Sudan has struggled with good governance and nation building and has attempted to control rebel militia groups operating in its territory. Economic conditions have deteriorated since January 2012 when the government decided to shut down oil production following bilateral disagreements with Sudan.

 

Croatia

Although Croatia declared its independence from Yugoslavia in 1991, it took four years of sporadic, but often bitter, fighting before occupying Serb armies were mostly cleared from Croatian lands, along with a majority of Croatia’s ethnic Serb population. Under UN supervision, the last Serb-held enclave in eastern Slavonia was returned to Croatia in 1998.

 

So there you have it. Conflict, insurgency, extremism, economic deterioration, violence and organised crime. What possessed Tricky Dicky Salmond to refer to these countries as reasons why we should become independent?

We*’d call it shooting yourself in the foot.

 

[ NB: All notes on countries sourced from CIA factbook. ]

 

Scottish politics: Unrealities still ‘substantial’, says Haudit Scotland

The inequalities between truth and reality are still as wide as they ever were thanks to substanceless SNP Euro assertions.

“When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract positive thinking.” _ Tricky Dicky Salmond

By Phanta Sissts

MEIN SALMOND’S deputy blame taker Auld Nick Sturgeon is set to further damage her career defending the gulf between SNP reality and real reality according to a hard hitting Haudit Scotland report.

Reality watchdog Haudit Scotland said that despite improvements, differences between SNP reality and real reality were still substantial.

The report said strategies to tackle the problem had seen little impact.

The Scottish fantasist government said it was focussing on the underlying causes of being “found out” and “left looking inept”.

Opposition parties said people had a responsibility to understand real reality – but called on minsters to do more.

The Haudit Scotland report said overall real reality in Scotland had improved in the past five days, but there were still deep-seated inequalities, largely due to an entrenched government of SNP fantasists and truth evaders.

Men in the most reality deprived areas voted SNP more than those in the most reality affluent areas.

Women, the report said, were seven and a half times more likely to see through Salmond and the SNP on sight.

People in reality deprived areas were also more likely to use words such as “inclusive”, “progressive”, and phrases such as “Scottish values” and “we do things differently here”.

Haudit Scotland said it was unclear how much money the SNP government had wasted on promoting their fantasies, but it was clear that the Scottish public “wurnae buyin’ it.”

It also said:

• Biased Unionist Mainstream Media Oppressors play a critical role in keeping SNP fantasies in check.

• The distribution of SNP fantasy was based on falsehood. Barnum statements and substanceless assertion.

• Nationalist strategies which aim to promote fantasy and increase reality inequalities have so far shown limited evidence of impact.

• There is a lack of shared understanding about what is meant by SNP reality and substanceless assertions.

The Scottish fantasist govenment has now been urged to set national indicators to monitor how corrosive to political debate their fantasies and substanceless assertions really are.

Narcissistic bi-polar paranoid scizophrenic spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “Not only will Scotland join Europe at the head of the table, we will show America how military defence is done.

“It is the SNP who will set interest rates in the new independent Sterling zone in collusion with our Unionist buddies at Westminster.”

Education secretary still main threat to Firstminster’s credibility

If barefaced lying doesn’t lead to the downfall of the Firstminster – keeping his innumerate bullying Education secretary will. AhDinnaeKen proposes an early toast to Mike Bernhard Rust-ell. Whollyrude’s creepiest Education liability.

“I think the issue is, did I make a mistake? Yes I did. Did I apologise for that mistake? Yes I did. Does it mean I’ve undermined the Big Cooncil? Yes it does. Does it mean that Salmond’s weakened and Swindley’s strengthened? Yes it does. Will it harm the Neverendum’s chances in 2014? Yes it will.” – Mike Bernhard Rust-ell.

By Getty Phuckthenoo

THE EDUCATION minster aspect of the Big Whollyrude Cooncil is still more problematic than any barefaced lying problem, it has been admitted.

As the Scottish National Party attempted to rewrite the past four weeks of lies, innumerate lies and barefaced lies, the sovereign people of Scotland agreed that holding on to the Education minster was doing the government much more damage.

Mother-of-two Morag MacHavers said: “I can’t believe that, in this progressive and inclusive age, Scotland would appoint an Education secretary who cannae even count.

“It’s out of order. Especially when there are other career options like bullying schoolkids, selling them fags oot o’ the van and smearing mother’s in the papers.

“There are still other things he can do like write a hundred lines – ‘I must not get caught lying in parliament‘.”

Meanwhile, Whollyrude insiders admitted the Scottish Government has been found to be “out of order” and is not willing to apologise again despite a recent outbreak of apologies in the chamber.

Whollyrude Candy, editor of Whollyrude Magaazine, said: “What we can’t understand is that pantomine season isn’t due until next month.

“Yet, yesterday’s performance by arch-villain Tricky Dicky Salmond was still ‘more of the same’:

“Don’t answer the question, reply “you did it an’ aw” and then sermonise on the Holy Grail attributes of an independent Scotland.

“It’s everyday Westminster styled plum duffery really. Ho hum to more of the same!”

Lies, damned lies and SNP statistics. Can ye believe them?

In Scotland “we do things differently here”. AhDinnaeKen asks how many more bullies, liars and innumerates are going to be allowed to make decisions on our children’s education and our Nation’s future. It’s certainly different.

“Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst come from the people who live here.” – Longshanker. Ding Dong – yer tea’s oot! Who’s gonnae believe them now?

By Wunanwun Ekwals-Three

CAN YOU believe an education Gauleiter who didnae believe what he wanted the Scottish people to believe?

Can you believe a barefaced liar would barefacedly lie in parliament when he had been found out barefaced lying only weeks before?

Can you believe that the Ministerial Code wasn’t able to come to the rescue of the barefaced liar to barefacedly hide behind?

And can you believe that AhDinnaeKen has had to ask three can you believe questions and still cannae believe it?

The answer to all three can you believe questions of course (oops four questions now – better get our application in for education gauleiter) is naw, ye cannae believe that ye cannae believe it.

Yet those pretenders to the crown of Scottish Independence and full on levers of power cannae even believe theirsel’s, their own sums or their barefaced lies.

Can ye believe it? Answers on a Freedom of Ministerial Code Misinformation form please.

Rabbie Burns said “Facts are chiels that winnae ding”.

So Barefaced Liar Salmond must be Ding and Bullying Liar Rust-ell must be Dong.

“Ding Dong – yer tea’s oot!” said Labourers Rev I M Jolly Burns in the Big Scottish Cooncil yesterday.

He further said: “Here’s to bullying liar education minster Rust-ell keeping his job.

“The longer he does, the longer the veneer of SNP trust and competence will wear away.”

Thicko, illiterate, innumerate, moronic SNP spokeserson Wee Naebudy said: “Ah cannae believe it!”

We screw College Chairmen differently here! – Rust-ell

Interferist and college education butcher Mike Bernhard Rust-ell flexes his bullyboy muscles and signals to FE Colleges that they can expect to be interfered with if they daur stand up to him.

“The illiterate of the future will not be the person who cannot read. It will be the person who does not know how to learn.” – Alvin Toffler. Here’s to Mike Russell and his illiterate butchering of college budgets.

By Yuvbin Phucktover

A HEARTBROKEN college told last night how its illustrious chairman’s life was left in ruins – when a misogynistic creep took his career at a ‘radical’ meeting.

The distraught college revealed the chairman of Stowed was left in shock after bullyboy Gauleiter Mike Bernhard Rust-ell f**ked him.

But the college had another bombshell to face when creepy pressganger Rust-ell dodged a bullyboy charge – in the wake of a ruling by Whollyrude drones that the outrage was JUSTIFIED.

Furious college staff whinged: “How can a chairman lose his job over a recording. We wanted an accurate account of just how creepy, Thatcherite, misogynistic and unpleasant Gauleiter Rust-ell really is.”

The staff pleaded that the ex-Chairman had suffered vile taunts from Gauleiter Rust-ell and was branded “sneaky” and “non-compliant.

But, as anyone who has ever dealt with Rust-ell knows, you’re left feeling dirty, guilty and tainted after dealing with him – like you want to take a shower before the police arrive.

Mr Rust-ell is no stranger to creepiness amid claims of rampant dishonesty and newspeak.

Earlier this year, the Gauleiter told the Big Cooncil that Scotland’s poorest college students had more money in their pockets thanks to him, when in fact he had ripped them off to the tune of £1000 pounds a year.

Traumatised students were left feeling like they had been raped and impugned by the Thistle grasping bully boy.

Unholy defender of SNP sanctimony and self righteousness spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “We do things differently here. Mess wi’ us and ye’ll find out just how different we can get.

“Dissenters beware, you’ll get a tumshie tae the heid like that hauf-witted Stowed College chairman.

“How dare he attempt to hold our Education Gauleiter to account. The best people to rule Scotland are the people with nothing to do with the SNP.”