Category Archives: Education

Thicker for Scotland – New SNP battle cry

SCOTLAND’S OUT of depth educashun secretary accidentally reveals cunning new Nationalist Neverendum victory plan:

"The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically." - Martin Luther King, Jr. There'll be none of that pish in our new Thicker Scotland said Constance yesterday.

“The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. There’ll be none of that pish in our new Thicker Scotland said Constance yesterday.

By Thikaz PhukkEducashun Corespondet

THE Nationalists were in meltdown last night as educashun secretary Angela Constance laid the blame for Scotland’s declining school litrasy and numrasy on the Nationalists.

“The equity gap is utterly unacceptable,” she said. “The difference between what we say we’ll do and what we actually do is nowhere near wide enough.

“Some children are not failed by our rhetoric on education and we want to make sure it is all children who are failed by it.

“We want to instil into the poor kids that it’s okay to own a X-Box 360 instead of a X-Box One and that the Galaxy S3 smartphone can be as good as the latest iphone – we’ll teach them patience and acceptance and, if they vote SNP, they can pick one up cheap from Cash Converters at a preferable rate.

“We believe in equity for Nationalist voters.”

But, the flailing secretary unwittingly let loose the real reason for the concerted lowering of litrasy and numrasy rates in Scotland when she told “astonished” journalists:

“We know from our polling data that the younger you are, the less well off you are and the thicker you are, the more likely you are to fall for and vote for Nationalist assertions.

“Critical faculties are suspended when you’re too dumb to think for yourself and poll after poll proves that the thicker you are the more likely you are to be taken in by our magic money tree economics.

“As the past eight years have shown, if you keep churning them out without the ability to analyse or formulate original thought, they’ll believe anything we tell them.

“Thicker for Scotland – that will win the next Neverendum.”

 

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Exclusive: Scotland in danger from new strain of fact-resistant humans

NEW RESEARCH exposes dangerous fact immune virus currently sweeping through Scotland:

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

By Maya Earsarshut

SCOTLAND: Social scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact resistant humans who are threatening the ability of the country to tolerate political opposition, according to a new academic study.

Research conducted by the University of the West of Scotland (UWS) has identified a virulent strain of ‘MacUber-humans’ who are virtually immune to any form of non-Nationalist rhetoric.

This new strain, also known as ‘Bravehearts’, ‘Flag Drapers’, ‘Wangers’ or ‘SNP Card Carrying Members’, are notable by their high information, low comprehension habits and their ability to regurgitate Nationalist propaganda at the mention of the BBC.

According to Professor Gerry Hassan of UWS, “These fact resistant humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information. And yet they have developed groupthink defenses which, for all intents and purpose, have rendered those faculties completely redundant.”

More worryingly, Hassan said, “As Nationalist rhetoric gets ever more exposed for the threadbare sham that it is, their defenses against political reality have only grown more resistant and belligerent.”

While the research bods have no clear explanation for the phenomenon, one theory currently gaining ground is that the strain may have developed an ‘anti-Scottishness’ filter which protects them from inconvenient information disseminated against their country.

“The normal functions of political discourse and debate have been completely nullified and we are facing an epidemic of people immune to their country being talked down,” Hassan said.

Despite the gloomy outlook, Hassan held out hope that the threat of the MacUber-humans could be mitigated in the future. “The research is in the preliminary stages, but it’s possible they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, public services or giro-cheques – also known as Full Fiscal Autonomy Scotland,” he said.

 

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A tribute to SuperSalm – superhero of the Nationalist class

Poor wee Skintland. Not only is it rich in natural resource, as we found out last week, it is also rich in Superheroes. AhDinnaeKen investigates:

Superheroes give us hope for the future. Thanks to SuperSalm we know what to look forward to - total capitulation.

Superheroes give us hope for the future. Thanks to SuperSalm we know what we can look forward to – total capitulation to corporate muscle flexing.

By Deecee McComics

Narrator: Faster than a speeding sloth. More powerful than a loco Labour party. Able to leap on parliamentary aides in a single bound.

Average Jock 1: Look! Up in the headlines! It’s a turd.

Jock Wummin: It’s insane!

Average Jock 2: It’s SuperSalm!

Narrator: Yes, it’s SuperSalm. Strange visitor from another parliament, who came to Skintland with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. SuperSalm, who can change the course of mighty corporations, bend intransigent Unions in his bare hands. And who, disguised as a bloated Politician and profligate Firstminster of a mediocre Parish Cooncil, fights a neverending battle for troof, corporatism and the Tartan Tory way. And now, another sleep inducing episode in the adventures of SuperSalm:

SuperSalm and the capitulation of ordinary people to evil corporations

Narrator: There’s trouble brewing at the Petro-chemical plant. Benevolent international corporate tax avoiders need to put troublesome native workers in their place. Lex Luffer-Ratcliffe requires assistance in holding the country to ransom while shafting his workforce and simultaneously getting the taxpayer to gift him with trouser loads of risk free money.

Average Jock 1: No one in the world is capable of doing that!

Jock Wummin: Yer probably richt!

Average Jock 2: It’s time to call for SuperSalm!

SuperSalm: Stand aside keachy mortals! I shall use my superpowers to give Lex Luffer-Ratcliffe everything, and more, that he wants.

Narrator: SuperSalm and super little helper Lois Lane-Swindley do everything in their power to help shaft their own citizens.

SuperSalm: Another victory for corporate backscratching. I shall bask in the Nationalist mythologising of this victory for indecency and ‘civic progressive’ values for many months to come.

Look forward to more of this supine capitulation to corporate power Jock citizens. We will break free from the imperialistic yoke of the evil empire. Better a corporate slave than a Unionist slave.

Narrator: Next week we shall follow the adventures of SuperSalm as he demonstrates the best methods to keep parliamentary aides satisfied while still maintaining a ‘happy marriage’ with his super mum/wife.

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Firstminster Salmond to go where he likes in an Independent Skintland

Normal rules will not apply to Firstminster Salmond in an independent Skintland it has been claimed, following an alleged security and protocol breach at a school in Aberdeenshire recently.

"I've played so many historical characters because most horrible dictators are short, fat, middle-aged men." -  Bob Hoskins. Coming soon, The Neverendum, starring Bob Hoskins as Firstminster Salmond.

“I’ve played so many historical characters because most horrible dictators are short, fat, middle-aged men.” – Bob Hoskins. Coming soon, ‘The Neverendum’, starring Bob Hoskins as Firstminster Salmond.

By Naked Rambler

FIRSTMINSTER SALMOND will be able to go wherever he likes whenever he likes in an independent Skintland it has been revealed.

The plans, already in place for schools in Aberdeenshire, are expected to be rolled out in honour of a miraculous Neverendum victory post September 2014.

But the plans have been bitterly opposed by backstabbers, traitors and Stockholmed Syndromed civil liberty types, still clinging to the outdated belief that people should be free to ignore the anointed Firstminster if they so choose.

According to a new draft bill the ‘Salmond Can Go Where He Chooses Act’, the Firstminster will be given the keys to the country.

In essence, the Five Pensioned Firstminster will have the constitutional right, enshrined in plasticine parliamentary law, to go where he wants, when he wants.

No one will have the right to refuse the Firstminster access.

The Act, which has already witnessed a Pilot run in an Aberdeenshire school, has elicited fierce and bitter ‘loser’ complaints from Quislings and anti-SNP types.

Quinten Labour-Torybasa, of the Outmoded Political Standards Committee said: “I was in my kitchen preparing my favourite curry when a voice from behind me advised me that I should add more coconut milk.

“It was Five Pensions Salmond flaunting his culinary wad at me. I nearly added too much cumin in surprise.”

Other horror stories of the Firstminster’s freedom rambling have involved couples in the act of lovemaking suddenly being advised to “slow down” and “use a smooth touch” or people in the bath receiving suggestions that they should “use more bubble bath”.

Freedom loving, protocol ignoring, rule rewriting spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.

“The Salmond Can Go Where He Chooses Act will ensure that people will hear this anytime any place.”

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That Wiz the Week that Wiznae #2

Sometimes creeping torpor, slithering ennui and an ever present sardonic smile isn’t enough to keep the Neverendum boredom at bay. AhDinnaeKen takes a lazy gambol over the previous week’s news. ZZZzzzz…

"For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity and from a clinician to a bean counter." - William Longshanker Penn.

“For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity and from a clinician to a bean counter.” – William Longshanker Penn.

By Longshanker

Sunday May 19: Big Brother is watching your child

Civilian! Be careful the values you instill in your child!

Civilian! Be careful the values you instill in your child!

The Sunday Express runs a chilling story which, despite the Big Brother graphic and overly sensationalised conclusions, perfectly  illustrates the controlling aspect of the Nationalist mindset.

All Skintish children are to have a ‘named person’ looking after them, noting down all reported instances of anti-Skintish thoughtcrime or behaviour exhibited by the child’s parents. Information recorded is then entered into a database to be used later in order to assign citizenship grading – a form of social audit.

According to the report, the specific aim of the bill is “to undermine parents and give the “community” a greater role in raising children.”

In Orwell’s seminal novel, 1984, the chief protagonist, Winston Smith’s, neighbour, Parsons, falls prey to his children reporting him to the thoughtpolice for speaking in his sleep against Big Brother. A ridiculous notion for modern day Skintland but…

Summed up: The moral difference, if any, between a citizen and a civilian is, a citizen accepts responsibility for the protection of the body politic. A civilian does not. All civilians should beware, the SNP thoughtpoliceman  in your home could be your ‘citizenised’ child.

Monday May 20: The Cancer Sufferer Clearances

The main condition for cancer treatment is affordability. Hurrah for doing things differently here.

The main condition for cancer treatment is affordability. Hurrah for doing things differently here.

Piggy Eyed Patsy Healthminster, Alex Kneel, is ambushed and metaphorically bang ganged on the BBC’s Call Specialkay programme. His policies on health, mean that Skintish cancer sufferers wishing to live, will have to leave Skintland and live in England – a post-modern clearances meme for Bella Caledonication types.
Even the presbyterian puritan wing of the Independence movement cannot deny the natural conclusion of Kneel’s performance and explanations regarding the dispensation of life saving cancer drugs..
No matter how he, his cat herding political master, or his political master’s Star Chamber spin it, access to life saving Cancer drugs is found to be dependent on price and the rulings of SMC managers – not clinicians – in Skintland.

Summed up: The poison chalice of health imposed on the Piggy Eyed Patsy
is seriously undermining him. He might yet end up being called Doctor Death. A shameful example of how ‘we do things differently here’.

Tuesday May 21: Nationalists publish a very serious docupamphlet – Skintland’s Economy: the Heidcase for Independence.

Me and my levers. Sun King Salmond sets out his case for more levers in Skintland.

Me and my levers. Sun King Salmond sets out his case for more levers in Skintland.

At first the forensically detailed 69 page docupamphlet reads like the much vaunted positive case for the Union. It makes it easy to imagine Bitter Together stealing some of the rhetoric and assertions for later use…

In the document’s foreword, the anointed one, Sun King Salmond himself, pleads his visionary case for more levers.

Martin Luther King had a dream. Moses had a vision. Alex Salmond wants a full set of levers.

That’s right, levers! A full set! The sort of economic implements you lever economic levers economically with.

It’s certainly inspired AhDinnaeKen with the zeal and vision of new flowering Skintish political landscapes populated with all different types of levers – economic, political, cultural and social.

In the document’s foreword, in reference to Skintland, Wee Ecky says, “we lack a full set of economic levers”. He also says we are a lever deprived country because he later adds, “Westminster deprives Scotland of the levers.”

And, as he further explains, it’s all Westminster’s lever hoarding fault because they’re durty English lever hoarding basturts. How dare they? They’ll be voting in their droves for a Nationalist party soon and be wanting to lever themselves out of the Union next, er, haud on?!

We don’t have anywhere enough levers in Skintland according to the Firstminster. We need, and must have, more levers for levering the other economic levers to give us more leverage, or something.

Summed Up: I’m not an Indy A-lever, are you an Indy B-lever?

Wednesday May 22: It’s oor baw an’ aw. Gie’s a gemme or wur no playin’

If you're going to issue threats to anyone, sometimes it's best to actually be in the position to follow through on it. Ho hum!

If you’re going to issue threats to anyone, sometimes it’s best to actually be in the position to follow through on it. Ho hum!

Ex-banker Salmond threatens to embarrass Skintland on the international stage by reneging on its debt obligations to the rUK.

In a speech to some bus makers while launching the Heidcase for Independence docupamphlet, he tells the Chancer of the Exchequer that he kens it’s the Chancer’s baw, but if he disnae get a shot, he’s no gonnae play, and he’s takin’ aw the jumpers gettin’ used as goal posts.

Summed up: Are we supposed to take the Nationalists seriously? This reminds AhDinnaeKen of a similarly styled threat made by Wee Eck at the Johnnie Walked rally in 2009. Paul Walsh, Heid Honcho of Dirageo, ‘bitch slapped’ Salmond fir that wan. Take heed – or is that heid? – Wee Ecky, yer tea’s oot.

Thursday May 23: FMQs – sombre mood, sombre conclusions

Blessed be the cancer sufferers for 'social justice' Skintish style has passed them by.

Blessed be the cancer sufferers, for ‘social justice’ Skintish style has passed them by.

With his most serious, sombre and statesmanlike voice and poise, Dr Death Salmond is virtually forced by Wee Jimmie Krankie Lamont to admit what Piggy Eyed Patsy Kneel had already admitted earlier in the week: if you’ve got cancer and money in Skintland you will live, if you don’t, you will die. Unless, that is, you move to England where they still dispense these drugs free at point of need.

Summed up: AhDinnaeKen has a degree of sympathy for the Skints government on this one. But the vast majority of our* heartfelt sympathy goes out to the cancer patients denied treatment due to cost.

Friday May 23: Curriculum for Mediocrity is still mediocre shock!

Would you turn your back on this man? Answers on a front facing blackboard please.

Would you turn your back on this man? Answers on a front facing blackboard please.

Elitist, nepotist and most despicable of all the Nationalists, Mike Bernhard Rust-ell, continues to ignore the impending disaster of his creepy and tainted Curriculum for Mediocrity.

Anyone who has ever read the philosophical values and associated guff which accompanies their schoolchild’s school reports etc. cannot help but be apprehensive regarding its emphasis on ‘citizenship’ and ‘values’. Tied in with the ‘Named Person’ policy outlined above, it’s easily viewed as more than sinister – a conclusion only cemented given the ‘thistle grasping’ minster in charge.

Summed up: A prima facie example of unproven assertion directed straight into policy. No wonder the teachers are revolting.

Saturday May 24: New BBC Skintland Editor required for build up of Neverendum snore-athon documentaries.

Ahh! The British Brainwashing/Bolshevik/Bourgeois Corporation. It's just so bloody biased.

Ahh! The British Brainwashing/Bolshevik/Bourgeois Corporation. It’s just so bloody biased.

The great thing about this new position is that, no matter who gets the job, they will automatically be accused of bias by somebody. And long may that continue. As AhDinnaeKen once pointed out, the BBC is biased against everybody. Lord Reith himself would have been proud of such an accusation.

Expect to see the following labels crop up in the coming months: British Brainwashing Corporation, British Bolshevik Corporation and British Bourgeoise Corporation etc etc tedious etc.

Summed up: Neutrality always looks like support fir the ither side.

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Filed under Economy, Education, Media, Newspeak, Uncategorized

Silly Berkcow DID commit Thoughtcrime rules Big Badass Brother

Smart arse Berkcow gets a caning for committing Thoughtcrime in a truly chilling verdict for sarcasm, irony and idiocy. AhDinnaeKen peeks from behind the curtains:

Why has Silly got her kit off? - *innocent face*.

Why has Silly got her kit off? – *innocent face*.

By Silly Berkcow

THE WHOLE of Twitfaced Britain is facing a huge reappraisal of its thinking/Tweeting following the Silly Berkcow libel judgement in the Highdehigh Court yesterday.

Justice Tugshiscock ruled that Big Speaker’s star Berkcow defamed Lord Lorksalordy in a tweet last November.

She falsely outed him as a human being with a nervous system following a frenzy of television speculation that he was in fact an inhuman monster.

The broadcast – since proven untrue – claimed a senior Tory Tory from the Thatcher years had, at one time, actually behaved like a human being.

Silly, the wife of a big speaking wee man, asked her 56 million Twitter hingers-on: “Why is Lord Lorksalordy recoiling in pain when he is pricked? *Innocent face*?”

Lord Lorksalordy who played a pivotal role in Thatcher’s triumphant years, said Berkcow’s Tweet suggested he was a human being and sued Mrs Berkcow over the slur.

She apologised for sending the Tweet but has repeatedly denied the comment was libellous.

However, the court did not see it that way and ruled she should be publicly humiliated and impoverished.

Justice Tugshiscock said the “natural and ordinary meaning ” of her words meant Lord Lorksalordy was a human being who was guilty of compassion, weakness and tolerance.

He added the words “innocent face” would have been seen by her followers as “sarcastic, jokey and ironical”, and her tweet provided readers with the “last piece of the jigsaw” that Berkcow is indeed an attention seeking arsehole.

The judge said: “Us Lords are fed up of the proletariat thinking they can say what they want on digitalised Socialist media.

“This travesty of a ruling should send out a strong message. Think twice before you decide to question the ruling elite.”

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SCOTTISH HEADLINES ‘MOST BIASED’ SINCE YESTERDAY

A bias recognised is a bias sterilised according to Benjamin Haydon. Unfortunately that doesn’t stop some self appointed ‘activist’ types from going on and on and on about it. Ho hum! Zzzz…

"Activism is tough. Online activism is just tedious." - Calumnity Cashley

“Activism in the real world is tough. Online activism is just tedious.” – Calumnity Cashley

By Media Monitor-Mendicant

SCOTTISH NEWSPAPER headlines were officially declared as “misleading” yesterday after a self appointed ‘media monitor’ found them guilty of biasedness for over 300 years running.

“Yesterday’s headlines were blatant enough,” said Wangs Over Skintland, “but today’s have hit a new level of Unionist conspiracy.

“The fears are that tomorrow’s headlines will be the worst since records began.” he frothed.

“There are no signs of less biased headlines on the horizon and it may be years before we see any sort of recovery in ‘truthful’ reporting like that exhibited by my 20 years of, ahem, ‘professional journalism’.

“Please give me some money, the despicable Unionist oppressors are going to put me on the Work Programme if you don’t…” (cont. 292 pages).

Those Disgustingly Biased Headlines In Full

Biasedness worst since I said so says Wangs Over Skintland

Biasedness worst since Wangs said so says Peter A Dumb-Bell

Biasedness worst since Xmas Turkey vote in 1979 says SNP

Biasedness worst since Culloden says Bonnie Prince Charlie

Biasedness worst since Dunbar says Oliver Cromwell

Biasedness worst since Flodden says James IV’s widow

Biasedness worst since Falkirk says William Wallace

Biasedness worst since Mons Graupius says Calgacus

[For more outrageous, oppressive, lying, disgustingly despicable Mainstream Media Bias cast your eyes on anything Broadcast by the BBC or published in the Telegraph, Scotsman, Herald, Guardian, Daily Record, Independent, Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star and Metro. At least, that’s what the Media Monitor medicant would have you believe in his capacity as an, ahem, ‘professional journalist’. Try not to laugh too hard.]

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