Monthly Archives: April 2012

Humbug or Hypocrisy? You decide

Cybernats whip themselves into hypocritical frenzy over standard political hypocrisy cum election time.

Hypocrisy is a value that has been fully embraced by the SNP and Labour. We get lectured by people all day long about moral values by people who have their own moral shortcomings.

By Nye Evity

SCOTTISH LABOUR hypocrites are calling for a specially-convened hypocrisy committee to investigate the SNP’s hypocrisy over Labour’s hypocrisy.

Opposition parties have lambasted the hypocrisy of Labour hypocrisy over SNP hypocrisy as “hypocritical hypocrisy.”

Sun King Alex of Salmond hypocritically said he was fed up with Labour’s humbug and hypocrisy over their exposure of his humbug and hypocrisy but it was hypocritical humbug of other  parties to point out that Labour and the SNP personified humbug and hypocrisy.

A disenchanted hypocrite said: “This just goes to prove the maxim that Democracy is hypocrisy without limitation.”

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Filed under CyberNats, Labour, Newspeak

MacAesops Fables #9 – The Smart Ass and his Media Mogul

A republish of the first MacAesop’s Fables for those who might be looking at this blog for the first time.

A MEDIA Mogul wished to purchase a Smart Ass and decided to give the politico a test before buying him. He took the Smart Ass to his newspaper and put him in the public eye with his other Smart Asses.

The new Smart Ass strayed from the others to join the one that was the most powerful with the biggest cheque book of them all.

Seeing this, the media mogul led him back to his voters. When the voters asked how he could have tested the Smart Ass in such a short time, the media mogul answered, “I didn’t even need to see how he worked. I knew he would be just like the one he chose to be his friend.”

Analysis: Grown ups might want to make the useful distinction that while a person is apt to be judged by the company he (or she) keeps, that doesn’t mean you have to vote for them when the referendum comes.

Notable: A much more life and death fable with a similar message is contained in ‘The Prime Minister and the Communications Chief’, the moral of which is, ‘Birds of a Feather Flock Together’.


For more morally superior and vacuous posturing click on the Fable category to the right.

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Filed under Fable, Media, Morality

Diary of an undercover lobbyist: Mission Implausible

The Intimate Adventures of a Holyrood Call Girl #1 – Introduction

You get good time. Sucky sucky. Only five dorra.

By Belle De Salmond

THE FIRST thing you should know is that I’m a whore.

I mean that in a glib way. I’m using the word as an analogy for working my political job and toiling away at the principle of  independence for Scotland.

Many of my friends will tell you how working a committee for a year or ending up as a special adviser is equivalent to prostitution.

It’s not.

I know this because I’ve worked a committee and I’ve fucked for publicity, and they are in no way similar. Not even the same planet. Different parliamentary procedures altogether.

The second thing is that I live in Holyrood. These two things may or may not be related. It’s not a cheap parliament – ask the poor taxpayer to confirm that.

Like almost all of my friends, I moved here after the  election with the hope of getting a majority. If not an outright one, at least something that left me room for manouevre to court handsome, rich, plutocratic men.

But such positions are thin on the ground. Almost everyone is studying to be a McCrone accountant now. Good god – a fate worse than Johann Lamont as Labour leader. McCrone accountancy trumps even Johann in the unsexiness stakes.

Political whoredom is unsteady work which can be demanding. I meet a lot of people. Granted, they’re almost all men, most of whom I’ll always see again, and I’m required to get fucked by them regardless of whether they have odd hair or have a grandee total of one gay principle or want me to recreate a fantasy in which they get to achieve a media monopoly.

But it’s better than watching the clock until the next scheduled tea and caramel wafers break in a dismal Bute Hoose.

So when my friends pull out the tired analogy of parliamentary employment-as-whoring, yet again, I nod knowingly and commiserate with them, and we down principles and wonder where all our youthful ideology went.

Theirs is probably on a tram ride to Edinburgh. Mine is spreading its legs for ‘scratch my back’ favours on an as needed basis.

Having said that, the leap to full-on prostitution did not happen overnight…

For more of Belle’s  adventures in the Diary of a Holyrood Call Girl, tune in next week at the same place –

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Filed under Economy, Morality

Jobs glorious jobs

Following Deputy First Prostitute Auld Nick Sturgeon’s appearance on the BBC’s ‘Good Morning Jockland’ to defend Belle De Salmond’s enforced declaration of NewsCorps whoredom, here is a transcript of what she said alongside an interpretation as provided by ALS Interpreter Bunny.

By Jaythinkwur Daft

Garand Robertson: Was there backscratching going on here?

Auld Nick: No, what was going on was a First Minister arguing for Scottish JOBS standing up for the Scottish economic interest, and making sure he was making the strongest possible case for Scottish employment, that’s what any First Minister worth their salt would do.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: It’s my JOB to talk about the Firstminster’s JOB to secure JOBS by prostituting his self to potential JOB creators. I’m giving him a hand JOB if you like. The hand JOB here is to repeat JOB as much as is plausible. That is my JOB and it’s your JOB to listen Garand.

Garand Robertson: How would News Corporation gaining full control of BSkyB have created more JOBS in Scotland?

Auld Nick: Well, Sky is a significant employer in Scotland, more than 6000 JOBS, the First Minister believed that News Corporation consolidating its ownership of Sky would have created the potential for increasing the number of JOBS in Scotland. He was also very concerned, as everybody should have been very concerned about the potential last year for JOBS to be lost, indirect Sky JOBS as a result of Sky reducing contact centres from 9 to 2. Now thanks to the work of the First Minister those JOBS, 800 JOBS have been secured in the City of Glasgow, now that’s the JOB of a First Minister.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: (Accompanied by music to the tune of Food Glorious Food) JOBS glorious JOBS, Phone NewsCorps and bluster, While I’m on the JOB, I’ll repeat JOBS like a huckster.

Garand Robertson: So this was all about creating the potential for JOBS. Was there any guarantee that by backing the merger JOBS would be created?

Auld Nick: Well, the First Minister believed there was potential for JOBS growth.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: That email’s JOB was to blow up in Wee Eck’s face. It was a blow JOB if you like. Wee Eck’s JOB as First Minister is to provide blow JOBS for his corporate masters.

Garand Robertson: But what did he base that on?

Auld Nick: He based that on discussions he had had with people in the company.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: He based that on his JOB to secure favourable publicity for the party.

Garand Robertson: But this is important, did they tell him that JOBS would be created?

Auld Nick: There was an expectation that if News Corporation consolidated its ownership of Sky then that would lead over time to increases in JOBS. Indeed in March…

ALS Interpreter Bunny: NAW! They telt him nuthin – jist patted him on the heid and said: “Guid JOB boy. Sit and wait and dae whit yer telt.”

Garand Robertson: It’s a perception but was there actually a discussion where he was told that there would be more JOBS?

Auld Nick: But these discussions between First Ministers and people looking to invest in Scotland go on all the time. It’s the JOB of a First Minister to encourage that kind of investment. It beggars belief that people don’t understand that.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: Ur ye’s aw bloody daft. I’m tellin ye that’s mah JOB to spin it this way. If ye don’t believe mah spin ye must be aff yer heid.

Garand Robertson: Do you accept that for some people that there is a moral issue here? The perception given by the emails that came out of Leveson is that the SNP will do deals for favourable coverage?

Auld Nick: But that’s not the case. I fully understand that in their desperation that’s the impression that people in Labour want to create. Which is totally hypocritical given their previous links with the Murdoch empire.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: Gies a brek Garand. They did it an’ aw. The Labouring Party are even bigger hoors and hypocrites than us.

Garand Robertson: So you’re saying it’s just coincidence the Scottish Sun switched support to your party at the same time the First Minister was said to be willing to lobby?

Auld Nick: I am emphatically and unequivocally saying there is no connection between these two things and I hope you’ll accept that Gary

ALS Interpreter Bunny: We have been emphatically and unequivocally found out. This is oor best shot at changin’ the perception that Wee Eck isnae a corporate bitch prostitute, jist a bit oh a JOB tart.

Garand Robertson: Auld Nick Sturgeon, ALS Interpreter Bunny, thankyou for appearing this morning for the BBC forces of  Unionism and Nationalist oppression.

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Filed under Culture, Diplomacy, Economy, Morality, Newspeak

BBC is totally biased claims Murdoch

Truth will out was the maxim so openly demonstrated by the Inralavyson inquiry when QC Robber Jaybird questioned Goebbels Murdoch over his attempts to undermine the BBC

Each and every one of these Prime and First Ministers has complained about the inherent and total biased output of the BBC. A spokesperson for the under fire corporation said: “Clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right, here we are stuck in the middle for you, the viewer.”

By Troothis Oot

GOEBBELS MURDOCH yesterday threw light on the worst kept secret in christendom that the BBC is completlely biased against everyone.

No matter the vested interest or the political party, the BBC was found wanting when it came to providing favour or lip service to third parties.

Questioned by QC Robber Jaybird on the position held by Optimus Prime, Bullingdon Dave, regarding the BBC, Murdoch replied “he hated them”.

When queried on what Tony Blair thought of the BBC, Murdoch said “he hated them”.

Following through, QC Jaybird asked what Margaret Thatcher thought of the BBC,  Mr Murdoch said “she hated them”.

Pressing further, QC Jaybird asked what John Major thought of the BBC, Mr Murdoch said “he hated them”.

Penultimately, QC Jaybird asked what Gordon Brown thought of the BBC, Mr Murdoch replied “he hated them”.

Finally, QC Jaybird queried what Sun King Alex of Salmond thought of the BBC, Mr Murdoch answered “what do you think?”

The revelations have led to accusations of total bias against the BBC.

Their silence and complicity  in the matter convicts them in the court of public opinion. Case closed.

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Filed under Culture, Media, Morality


Silence is golden, but try telling that to Gordon Brewer on Newsnight on 24th April. The SNP silence on Murdoch’s funny wee lapdog messenger was deafening.

Gordon Brewer didn't get the chance to ask the SNP any questions following the Murdoch revelations. Instead he got Mizaru, Kikazaru and Iwazaru.

By Lick Spittle

THE FOLLOWING is a transcript of the SNP response to the Murdoch revelations that Sun King Alex of Salmond was prepared to prostitute himself as a messenger lapdog for the monopolistic News Corps corporation:


We hope that clears it up.

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Filed under Media, Morality, Newspeak

We won’t change tack on not tackling corporate gangsters


By Moan McVulpine on Apr 24, Christ I’m late

GANGSTERS ARE famous for demanding their cut – no matter who gets hurt.

When the Murdoch mafia said they were gonnae gie Scotland some richt guid publicity, we thoucht it would be a guid thing.

So long as we kept shtoom aboot it – the SNP are guid at keepin shtoom.

But pare Alex has been fun oot fur bein a message runnin patsy for the News International gangsters.

Noo that the cat’s oot the bag, Alex’s credibility is reduced by at least 100 per cent.
He’s ended up lukin a bit like a Murdoch lapdug – like Blair’s relationship wi Bush so tae speak.

This has aw cum aboot because we’d jump into bed wi’ onybudy jist to get some real power for oorsel’s.

For the poor, naive and stupit, we like to caw it self-determination. Fir the mair sophisticatet, caw it media/corporate hoordom.

Around 5.2 million vulnerable people in Scotland get the benefit of the SNP’s choice to be Murdoch empire lickspittles.

And luk at the 6666 Amazon workers who get the opportunity to be corporate slaves – it’s aw thanks tae us – the SNP.

It makes me prood to represent the SNP, who were elected by the Scots to send a clear message to the main parties that Scotland disnae like them ony mare.

So, whit o’ the other political parties?

Murdoch’s handed them a gilt edge club with which to beat us fir a bit.

Thank Christ Labouring leader Fandabadozie Lament cannae string a sentence the gither if it’s aff script.

Wee Wullie Wontie, the LibDem leader,  is a wee jobby and maist folk don’t even know who he is.

And as for Truth Gotyason of the Tories – remind me of where that line in the sand is noo.

With the election coming up we should be gettin ready for crawin time.

Unless, of course, the daft anti-Scots element of the electorate are taken in by the scurrilous accusations levelled at Sun King Alex by the abusive forces of oppression in the Unholy Alliance.

That jist widnae be fair, so we’ll keep shtoom on that.



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