Tag Archives: referendum

Exclusive: Scottish Sun will do what Murdoch tells it – nobody shocked

The Scottish Sun reveals that it will do exactly as Ruper Murdoch wants it to regarding its Neverendum editorial stance.

Firstminster Salmond: Scratching corporate backsides since before 2011.

Firstminster Salmond: Scratching corporate backsides since before 2007.

By Sue Pine

THE SCOTTISH Sun has said it is far too early for Mr Murdoch to give a toss about next year’s independence Neverendum.

Some Scottish voters are champing at the bit to free themselves from the subjugating yolk (sic) of Stockholm Syndrome and cultural, economic and political imperialism.

A Sun spokesperson said corporate and political considerations would determine the newspaper’s decision “depending on the potential concessions Mr Murdoch can extort from the Westminster govenment”.

The statement came after another media outlet broke ranks and reminded everyone that Mr Murdoch doesn’t back “lost causes”.

The Independent newspaper claimed on Monday that Mr Murdoch had signalled to David Cameron that if he lays off press regulation the Scottish Sun will lay off independence.

However, in a statement, a spokesperson for the Scottish Sun said: “Since Mr Salmond recently tried to play the big man on press regulation and did hee haw for us on the BSkyB bid, he’s getting not one bean fae us. Neutrality is a double edged sword muddy funster.”

Last February, Rupert Murdoch tweeted that Firstminster Salmond was the best thing in Scotland since deep fried mars bars.

He also signalled his support when he said: “Let Salmond eat as many mars bars as he wants. Nobody cares about his gluttony so long as the Neverendum delivers freedom from him.”

The Scottish Sun, which is Scotland’s biggest selling newspaper, switched from what Mr Murdoch told it to in 2007 to what Mr Murdoch told it to in 2011.

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Day of Dustbinry: In 18 months Scotland will be free of Salmond at last

Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon outlined to the NSP Synod yesterday the growth in her imagination from none at age 16 to full blown fantasy and delusion now. AhDinnaeKen takes a closer look.

Take down issue. Please let me know your name and contact number, I will contact you.

Take down issue. Please let me know your name and contact number, I will contact you.

By Asprin Nation

THE NEXT 18 months will witness the dullest most stultifyingly boring episode of accusation and counter accusation in Scotland’s devolved history according to Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon.

She declared to the Daily Ranger that the constitutional debate will open up social and political schisms in Scotland and the UK which could have far reaching consequences for years to come.

Miss Leader Sturgeon made the claim in her opening address to the Synod of the Converted, the Faithful and the Talentless assembled at InverYes yesterday.

She said: “There will be no stone left unturned, no straw left unclutched at and no chip on shooder grievance left unexploited before the next 543 days are out.

“If we can’t win the Neverendum by fair means, we will make sure we leave our impression on the country by foul.

I joined this pairty when I was 16 years old and never imagined for a minute that we would even get a sniff at a Neverendum.

“Look at me now, I imagine us getting automatic entry to the EU on our dictated terms while simultaneously keeping our independence in a Sterling zone free of Trident while sheltering under NATO’s nuclear umbrella.

“I may not have started out with much of an imagination then, but look at that exponential growth in fantasy output now. I’m making up for lost time! Thanks NSP.

Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon is 82. She is currently set to undergo a  course of NHS Lothian treatment for dementia, hubris and florid hallucination.

Due to NHS cooking of the books she is expected to undertake her real reality treatment in approximately 78 weeks time, subject to political availability.

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SNP U-turn on referendum question

SNP exposed by Electoral Commission for trying to fiddle Neverendum question. As they get sent homeward tae think again, AhDinnaKen considers what the Electoral Heidy Commission ruling means for the whole stultifyingly dull campaign.

“we all get humiliated at some point or another during our lives. the trick is not to let it make you resentful or defeatist.” ― Jane Stanton Hitchcock. And that includes when you're staring defeat in the face. Well done Kevin. AhDinnaeKen salutes your indefatigability.

“we all get humiliated at some point or another during our lives. the trick is not to let it make you resentful or defeatist.” ― Jane Stanton Hitchcock. And that includes when you’re staring defeat in the face. Well done Kevin. AhDinnaeKen salutes your indefatigability.

By Longshanker

DO YOU agree that the SNP Yes campaign got sent homeward tae think again?

AhDinnaeKen does.

The SNP’s abeyance to the Electoral Commission advice wasn’t so much a case of fighting and dieing for a wee bit rig and spend, it was more the Nationalists volte facing and daeing whit they were telt by the big boy professionals.

Supine and graceless, as is their want, the Nats quickly took an offensive line as displayed by the Kevin Bagapringles tweet adorning this page.

AhDinnaeKen takes its metaphorical hat off tae Kevin’s audacity.

According tae Bagapringles, the real news isn’t that the SNP had been publicly exposed for intending to ‘rig’ the Neverendum, it was that the UK government might have to concede there is an alternative, however unlikely, to a No vote.

And of course there is. A Yes result will currently get you odds of 5/2 at William Hill. Enough said – a No vote currently stands at 2/7 and Independence by 2020 returns a miserly 1/16.

Alastair Campbell and Tony Blair themselves would have been proud of Bagapringles spin on such a loser’s hand.

It certainly provided a soother for the frothing legion of Cybernats, exposed as drone lackeys to the vanity project cult of Salmondindependence.

As Bullingdon Dave paraphrased at PMQ: “We’re not doing your job for you. You made your bed. Lie in it.”

According to the recently released Social Attitudes Survey around 1 in 4 (23%) Scots believe in Independence.

According to health wonks, around 1 in 4 Scots can expect to suffer from mental health issues – predominantly depression.

Are the two related? AhDinnaeKen thinks we should be told.

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SNP set to reap benefit of benefit cuts

Benefit cuts will ensure up to a million extra Yes votes in Neverendum according to SNP opportunists

"Compassion is not weakness, and concern for the unfortunate is not socialism." - Hubert H. Humphrey.

“Compassion is not weakness, and concern for the unfortunate is not socialism.” – Hubert H. Humphrey.  Time for MSPs to start striving and stop skiving.

By Macglee Fool

BENEFIT CUTS agreed by Westminster will result in at least another 700,000 Yes votes for 2014’s Neverendum.

Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon said the cuts were an unexpected pre-Neverendum bonanza which would be milked by her party at every opportunity.

She informed Whollyrude’s Credibility Reform Committee: “These cuts will enable us to reap a tidal wave of moral outrage in Scotland.

“It’s been a wee while since we could be sanctimoniously self righteous and uppity about anything. The Tory Tories cuts have given us a gilt edged opportunity to benefit from.”

The SNP’s back door boundary change deal with the Tories last year is now expected to be given the green light by Salmond’s sinister Star Chamber.

In exchange for SNP support England will benefit by remaining Tory forever forcing the Scots electorate to look for any way out.

Manipulator string puller and nefarious back door deal making spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “IDS’s cuts came through for us.

“The spectre of the Tories in power forever will bring the supine anti-Scots Scots electorate’s voting intentions into sharp focus.

“These benefit cuts could be the best thing to happen in a generation for the SNP.”

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SNP timebomb set to explode

Disparate Scottish Nationalist ‘all things to all people’ Party set to implode in vacuum of accusation, blame and counter accusation. Deep fried Mars Bars and Irn Bru sales at all time high to watch the ensuing tragi/comedy.

“Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it.” ― Stephen Vizinczey. Weel din Stephen Noon on your Post-grad in constitutional stupidity at Edinborrow University.

“Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it.” ― Stephen Vizinczey. Weel din Stephen Noon on your Post-grad in constitutional stupidity at Edinborrow University.

By High Noon
FORMER MILITANT SNP windae brekker, Dim Sillars, has dismissed as ‘stupid’ everything the Scottish Nationalist Party has ever said or done since its 2007 election victory.

In a hauf-bricked attack on Steffan-High Noon, the Nationalist party’s chief tic-tac-tician, Mr Sillar’s questioned the need of a united ‘national front’ as a pretext for a successful Neverendum vote.

He said: “There is only one party we fundamentalist Nationalists hate more than Labour, and that’s the Salmond led gradualist Nationalists.

Without irony or tongue in cheek, Mr Sillars accused the ‘gradualists’ of being ‘splitters’ who “were damaging the Nationalist cause”.

He further accused the ‘gradualists’ of trying to soothe the ‘feartie 90 minute patriot’ Scots electorate by kidding on that they would go away and leave everyone alone should the fantasy of a Yes vote be achieved.

But firebrand curmudgeon wifey of Sillars and chief Margaret Thatcher supporter, Margo MacDonut, was in no mood for compromise.

She attacked Mr Noon as an embarrassment with no sense of rhythm or timing who was trying to lead everyone on a “not very merry dance”.

She said: “His timing is stupid. His beliefs are stupid. His strategy is stupid.

“The only thing more stupid than his belief the Nationalists will go away after independence is my belief that this attack will do anything other than sow the seeds of fractiousness, infighting and embarrassing external division.

“Now that’s what I call STUPID.”

Sophist and obfuscating apologist fantasist spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “Margo and the electorate will be able to take solace from the knowledge that we are not going to disband or fade away after the Neverendum.

“No, we will merely split and unravel – a process which she seems most keen to help us with.

“Now that’s what I call TIMING.”

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People feel older under SNP government

Doing things differently, being progressed and being bombarded with the most accurate answers ever given in parliament, has resulted in the Scottish population feeling twice as old as they actually are.

"This change to the parliamentary record is as accurate a lie as anyone has ever given to parliament" laughed Swindley as he helped stick the knife in Rust-ell's and Tricky Dicky Salmond's back.

The SNP react to the news that Labour supporters die every day.

By Dec Repitt

SCOTTISH CITIZENS feel older than any population in the world, last year’s census results reveal.

And it’s all thanks to the SNP government who have made the past 5 years feel like 500.

The survey showed people over the age of 30 now feel they are at least 60 years old thanks to having to listen to Wee Eck’s inclusive chuckle.

That compares to 40 and 50 year olds who are demonstrating symptoms similar to senility, alzheimers, frailty and passive inactivity.

The prospect of a Neverendum timebomb emerged as political pundits began sinking their ‘bookie’ money into a humiliating result for Tricky Dicky Salmond in the Autumn of 2014.

Acting Registrar Major Audrey Robberson said: “The symptoms are mostly due to the monotonous drone emanating from Whollyrude that Westminster is bad SNP good.

“You might have initially agreed with it, but after a while it becomes boring and then its relentlessness starts making you feel terminally old.”

The census also showed that since 2007 in Scotland there are nearly eight times as many people now feeling over the age of 80.

Decrepit decaying venerable antiquated SNP spokesperson Wee Naebudy said: “We hope to have bored the age groups most likely to vote No to death by 2014.

“Like everything we do, it’s a bit desperate and made up on the hoof, but hey when you’re stuck in a corner with nowhere to run, you have to do something.”

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Fairy tales have their place in European discourse too – Sturgeon

AhDinnaeKen presents the made up on the hoof transcript of Firstminster Salmond’s political patsy and damage taker for his wounded integrity and career – Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon.

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The SN

“Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.” – Helen Keller. Here’s to the next two years of exposure of SNP substanceless assertion.

BY DEPUTY MISS LEADER STURGEON

SCOTLAND HAS been ill at ease with itself since the dawn of time.

That simple truth, perhaps more than any other, undermines the recent ludicrous assertions made by me and my party in relation to the Big European Quangocracy.

For centuries Scots have beaten the living daylights out of each other, only ever proving unitable in the face of Tory provocation from doon there in Engerland.

Why on Earth should we wrest ourselves free fae they basturt English only to surrender all our political freedom to the faceless and chinless gravy train Eurocrats?

Our worst asset as a nation always has been and always will be those people prepared to vote Labour or anything other than the SNP.

And it is stretching credibility beyond breaking point to suggest, as some do, that my career has not been severely damaged covering up for Tricky Dicky Salmond and his dishonest conduct.

The Scottish National Party has around 90% of the UK’s out and out liars, unable to tell the truth over political basics such as SNP policy and petty little tweets.

Would the cities of Scotland really want to trust such exposed peddlers of untruths, obfuscations and outright deceptions?

Would anyone be prepared to believe a word we had to say on anything after the embarrassing events of the past 6-8 weeks?

These are just a few of the many examples why the Just say Yes (please) campaign is floundering in a morass of mediocrity and empty assertion.

And there is precedent which shows that, when barefaced lieing assertions are to be made, I am up there with Tricky Dicky Salmond.

Indeed, that is why I am known as Deputy Miss Leader.

Tartan Tories
Realpolitik is a German concept and it found perhaps one of its greatest modern expressions in this country in 1979.

When the Labour government fell to the forces of harsh right wing Thatcherism, who proved to be a decisive force in that fall?

That’s right, the SNP did – one wee whiff of power and we proved how trustable we are to the Scottish electorate.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Overnight the SNP truly earned the moniker ‘Tartan Tories’.

Now is the bit in this droning sanctimonious monologue where I blame the Tories for everything that’s ever gone wrong in Scotland since Saint Robert De Bruce murdered the Leader of the Liberal Democrats in a church.

We know that we can base our currency on chocolate coins and they will be welcome everywhere throughout the world.

Why wouldn’t they be? Are you seriously trying to tell me that our chocolate coins would be ignored considering we are rich in fish, oil and fat jowly windbags?

The opinion of covert Tory and European Quangocracy Presidenté Barroso is important and that’s why we roundly ignore it and calm our supporters by telling them that Barroso is talkin’ pish.

I have asked Mr Barroso for an important meeting, apparently the basturt is still laughing.

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