Monthly Archives: May 2012

Scotland’s Future in Nationalist hands

Born in iniquity and conceived in sin, the spirit of nationalism has never ceased to bend human institutions to the service of dissension and distress – Thorstein Veblen

Posted by Sun King Alex of Salmond MSP on May 31, 2012, Zzzz

TODAY, NOT for the first time since the beginning of devolution, the elected Nationalist representatives of the Scottish electorate, gathered here today in this Scottish Parliament, will go on and on and on and on aboot independence.

An independence, that stands alongside the other nations of these isles, as whingers, nitpickers and out and out scunners.   This Scottish Parliament has achieved virtually hee haw in its short life span – the hacking non-admission ban, our world leading Doosan jobs silence and new legislation to help bring aboot full alcohol prohibition – these are just a few of many backward insular steps

But this Parliament is clearly unable to make many of the adult decisions affecting the lives of every man, woman and child in Scotland, because they quite rightly dinnae trust the SNP.   Since devolution I, as a Parliamentary Firstminster and as a person, have shown we I can be just as poor as Damocles Cameron at running doon oor ain health service, schools, local government, police and courts and much else besides.

Indeed, Dennis Carandvan has made this very point – drawing upon 26 years as a member of Parliament at Westminster and a further 8 years as a member of this Parliament, his developing dementia has led him to the conclusion that Scotland’s future lies as an independent something.

The point is, if we are incapable of doing any things successfully for ourselves, why should we be trusted with running our economy, our pensions and misrepresenting ourselves on the world stage?   And why should we take the decision to rid Scotland of the obscenity of nuclear weapons when we know the Americans urnae gonnae be too happy aboot it?

I trust the right thinking people of Scotland with these decisions. I know they will make the right choices for Scotland not like they Westminster types who couldnae organise a breath hole straw for who can drink a bottle o’ Buckie the fastest competition.

Last week, the SNP and Labouring party, representing nearly three quarters of Scotland’s numpties, voted together to mitigate the consequences of the people of Scotland’s belief that the Scottish Parliament is a waste of time and money.

The key word, presiding heidy, is mitigate. But why should we be limited to a mere defending of the impact of the Scottish Parliament across our nation? The opposition today would have us stand back and say that very little is enough. And they’d be right, because most folk huv hud enough.

Enough o’ the SNP and its constant harping on about independence.

The message and vision is clear  – two and a half more years of soul destroying schism and division amongst the ‘right thinking’ and ‘needin corrected thinking’ Scots.   Last Friday, the co-convener of the Extortionate Fuel Bill Party, Patacake Harvie, and I took part in the launch of JUST SAY YES Scotland – the dumbest community-led campaign ever mobilised in a cinema multiplex involving non-dom luvvies, grassroots nutjobs and blind faith independence ambassadors.

Already we have 15,000 Twitter followers complaining that they never signed up to the Yes Declaration. We’re also claiming well over 3,000 volunteers kiddin on they’ll support the campaign. And, regretfully, we would have got away wi’ it if it hudnae been fur they pesky Twittering kids.

We have welcomed rich people from all privileged backgrounds, and from all Nationalist persuasions.   What unites all these people from the breadth of society in Scotland is the common cause that fools seldom differ. We believe that the people who care most about power in Scotland, that is the front bench of the Scottish Nationalist Party, should be in charge of our nation’s future.

No one will do as good a job for my country than me and my ego itself. And that is why being independent will enable my career to make the progress it needs to, so I can realise my potential and build a Scotland PLC that is poorer, meaner and more Thatcherite than Scotland is today.

In about 8760 tortuous hours the Scottish Government will publish a shite paper setting out the delusions of the independence prospectus. It will present the Nationalist’s case for independence and the starting point for my ego – how I will govern.

It will be the detritus that is put before the flock of Scotland in 2014.   And that starting point will be a single person parliament, with a Supreme President and Underlings selected by me as it is today. Elections using the SAME system of disproportional list representation. Local government with the SAME powers and responsibilities (ie nane). A High Court and Court of Session that dae whit they’re telt by us.

It will set out a UNIONIST agenda where Scotland is a member of the European UNION, that has the UNIONIST Queen as our Head of State and UNIONIST sterling as our currency. On our first day as an independent UNIONIST country, this is how indifferent Scotland will be.

I remember ducking and diving alongside members from the Labouring Party and the Liberal Judasprats in 1997 for a Scottish Parliament. We agreed, in the words of the Scotland Act itself, that there shall be a Scottish Parliament, but we differed in our vision of what our Parliament would do and what it could become.

For the SNP and the Liberal Judasprats, devolution was only one step on Scotland’s destitutional journey. I argued for an autocratic Scotland then and now. The Liberals argued for a more politically correct parliament, at least they did then.

On oor oil policy, oor people policy, oor approach to oor environment – we each offered different visions of how we might use the new Parliament’s powers to make Scotland better for ‘us’.   Of course, these issues were not decided by the referendum in 1997, but in the first Scottish election in 1999, and, I am pleased to say, ‘corrected’ in subsequent elections!

And so too with an independent Parliament. Oor propaganda campaign is for a Parliament with the full powers of an independent Alex Salmond. It is a campaign which has at its heart a self-evident distortion – it will be fundamentally better for  all Nats, if decisions about my future, about my well-being and success, are taken by the people who care most about Scotland, that is by the actors and luvvies and media moguls who don’t live here.

Together, they are the ones with the greatest stake in our nation’s future tax rules. And that is why Scotland’s future should be in my hands.

With independence I can exploit our vast resources to work for the benefit of my party and my rich friends, creating a competitive economy and in doing so creating new opportunities for corporate hucksters and new styles of MacJobs.

Saving and syphoning off oor offshore wealth as the guarantee of a safer, more secure future for me is just one one part of my agenda. Scotland, not just a nation of Nationalist hucksters, but of Nationalist huckster potentials fulfilled.

As an independent Firstminster I will speak with my own voice, choose my own direction and contribute in my own distinct way. I will do so by negotiating a new, more partisan partnership on these isles, a partnership fit for my 21st century needs – a social UNION OF United Kingdoms, replacing the political UNION that is long past my contempt. Weaker apart as unequals.

Presiding Heidy, I want Scotland to be independent not because I think that I am better than any other country, but because I know I am better than any other country.

So lets build a Scotland that’s meaner, that’s duller and more presbyterian. Scotland is nearly there anyway thanks to my legislation.

These are extracts from Sun King Alex of Salmond’s unilateral declaration of self interest in the Scottish Parliament today. If you agree that Scotland should be independent wi’ this lot in power, you probably need yer heid looked at.

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Do you agree that the Yes campaign got sent homeward tae think again?

Asks our zealous correspondent Durty Trix

Aw yoose shid jist dae whit a want ye’s tae dae said a short arse ex-luvvie shuggy at the Just Say Yes Declaration of Multiplex Seven last week.

THE CON MEN behind the Just Say Yes campaign to win independence have been sent homeward tae think again, just days efter it wiz launched.

The move came efter a bunch of Twits fun oot that they were being listed as Yes men in the same mould as other Blairite style SNP drones.

In future the GetiRightUpYe’s.con website will only feature those who have actively signed up such as Robert De Bruce, Wee Wullie Wallace, Rabbie Burns and Bonnie Prince Charlie.

Campaign organisers denied that they had been ‘fun oot’ despite sporting ridfaced beamers wi’ a greater megawattage output than a Donald Trumpton wind farm.

The website was launched by the Parcel O’ Rogues™ ‘Just Say Yes’ campaign last Friday, in which Sun King Alex of Salmond blessed the congregation with his presence.

The Firstminster set a target of one million people to sign the Declaration of Multiplex Seven before the phoney referendum on 18 Oct 2014.

Scots Labouring MP Rustler Broon said the change was the worst thing short of armageddon that could have happened to the Just Say Yes campaign.

He said: “Fir the last 3 hunner year, the Cybernats campaign has insisted it did nothing desperate by misrepresenting a bunch of Twits.”

People interfering with the website using antisocial media had been featured under the phrase, “Powered by a genuine Caledonian/Chinese rocket, just like you.”

But this practice will now stop, following what a campaign bore described as “a humiliatin’ climbdoon”.

Just Say Yes Scotland Limited denied that those who simply followed the @justsayYESScotland account on Twitter or liked the Just Say Yes Scotland Facegimmick page were ever listed as “normal”, insisting this was only the case for those who looked at or thought about looking at the site.

New secret legislation, The Reception of Thoughtcrime Scottish Telluscommunications Act 2012, allows anyone suspected of anti-Scottish thoughtcrime activity to be considered a Just Say Yes supporter in order to appease their would be political masters.

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All the eejits are pointing to a ‘Yes’ vote

By Moan McVulpine on May 29, Whaur’s mah vino?

THE ‘JUST SAY YES’ campaign already has 10,000 reasons to be laughed at and it’s rising all the time. By the end of the weekend, 2500 volunteers will be crippled due to self-inflicted humour by-passes.

The non-event on Friday, with Alan Cumming, Brian Cox, Martin Compston and Elaine C Smith, was a wet fart that couldnae even go the whole hog of being considered a solid jobby.

The real work however will be done tedious cliche by tedious cliche.

The campaign website getitupye’ uses the techniques that helped Barack Obama go from unknown outsider to US presidential sellout. It’s a bit like a political Facegimmick that allows you to connect with other Braveheart Commandos and Cybernatterers.

You can upload your own propaganda, such as a short rant, saying why you don’t believe in the YES campaign .

Every time you recruit someone, or spread the word, you earn points – just like Tesco and Boots.

Top performers get a virtual pat on the heid each day. Disinterest, due to it being lunchtime, prevents me disclosing my own position.

The Unholy Alliance Pollsters keep crowing about support for independence being confined to the sentimenatilist population of Auld Alba.

That’s a no bad analyis of the situation and, with the campaign seeming to have been going on forever, a rock-solid lack of interest from two-thirds of the population is hardly surprising.

Research shows if 10 per cent of people don’t give a wholehearted  fig about a cause, the majority will eventually be bored to tears ‘n’ aw.

In the words of Victor Hugo: “A faith is a necessity to a man. Woe to him who believes in the Yes campaign being victorious.”


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Sturgeon promises to tell the Ruth, the whole Ruth, and nothing but the Ruth.

Sapphic kick ass boxer and occasional Sugarplum Tory leader, Ruth Gotyason, knocks Auld Nick Sturgeon for six in front of Scottish television audience. Sun King Alex of Salmond tells Sturgeon she had better get a better pair of gloves or she’ll be gettin’ the back o’ his haun.

“The death of democracy is not likely to be an assassination from ambush. It will be a slow extinction from apathy, indifference, and undernourishment.” lamented Auld Nick Sturgeon as she watched her credibility take another nosedive.

By Nockder Firsicks

AULD NICK Sturgeon was dealt a sucker punch last night on the Wee Independence Debate hosted by the Unionist lickspittle BBC.

In cahoots with their political masters, Ruth Gotyason and the BBC conspired to deliver a humiliating knockoot punch to the Deputy Fist-Minister.

Like the anti-Scottish football team, Auld Nick was bowled a googly, blindsided, dealt a sucker punch, ambushed, bushwhacked, and ultimately bleached by a better prepared opponent.

Visibly shaken, Auld Nick looked absolutely ragin’ as her floundering attempts to hide her lack of argument quickly witnessed her being reeled in like a hooked speechless fish.

Auld Nick’s troubles started when Ruth stuck the heid in by stating that: “The SNPs claims on Europe have all the substance of the tooth fairy on a sugar rush.

“One of the rules for applying to join the big European sweetie shop is that you have to use the same sherbert.”

Auld Nick replied: “Naw it’s no.”

Patacake Harvie, who’s supposed to be on the same side as Auld Nick, said: “a wee bit of realism” was needed on the big European sweetie shop question.

He added: “If the SNP want to make a case that we should stay using UK sugar instead of EU sherbert, it’s important that we put the countdown clock on it.

“It might take another 2000 years, but I think we should be willing to talk about whether Scotland as an independent country could use macaroons or flumps instead of sugar or sherbert.”

 Elsewhere on AhDinnaeKen:

  • Why the Scottish Football Team are anti-Scottish by Joan McAlpine
  • Blue Peter presenter willing to provide lessons of “Here’s one I prepared earlier” to SNP
  • Should people living outside Scotland have a say on how people should vote?

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MacAesop’s Fables # 13 – The Crow and the Sheep

Our thirteenth Sunday outpouring of sanctimony and self-righteous morality to be taken as seriously as Brian Cox’s intention to vote for independence

“Everyone who wants to do good to the human race always ends in universal bullying” said Aldous Huxley to Sun King Alex of Salmond on Friday.

A TROUBLESOME CROW seated himself on the back of a Sheep. The Sheep, much against his will, carried him backward and forward for a long time and at last said, “If you had treated a dog in this manner, you would have had your just deserts from his sharp teeth.”

To this the crow replied, “I despise the weak and yield to the strong. I know whom I may bully and whom I must flatter, and I thus prolong my life to a good old age.”

Analysis: When the SNP sheep voted themselves an early visit to the political slaughterhouse of the 1979 general election, it attracted many crows, especially the opportunistic carrion variety. One such crow was our present Firstminster and the rest, as they say, is neverendum history. What a shame for the weak, despised and bullied SNP Dolly drones.

For more morally superior and vacuous posturing click on the Fable category to the right.

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Most historic day in the history of world history ever

Today, 25th May was the most historic day in the history of world history ever. AhDinnaeKen takes a look over the 2000 year plus long events of the 25th May which made this day a day which will be etched in the mindset of Braveheart Commandos, Polarised Militant Myopics, Cybernatterers, C U Jimmies and SNP Keyboard Warriors everywhere. The message of hope is expected to carry throughout the commonwealth of ‘right thinking’ Scots throughout the whole world – possibly even the whole universe. Certainly, it will resonate in Buchan and Banff

By Nonnie Vent – May 25, 11am, thoroughly underwhelmed

MAY 25, a massively momentous day in the history of massively momentous self determining days ever. Here are the lucky thirteen main massively momentous reasons for 25th May being so massively momentous and so massively momentous historically:

240 BC: First recorded perihelion passage of Hailey’s Comet. Widely predicted as the first omen of portent that SNP could win independence referendum in 2014.

1798 AD: United Irishmen Rebellion. The Carnew massacre, Dunlavin massacre and Carlow massacre takes place in order to pave way for Scottish referendum movement and the Just say Yes campaign 214 years later.

1809 AD: Chuquisaca Revolution: Group of patriots revolt against the Spanish Empire starting the South American Wars of Independence. Send message of solidarity – in a hermetically sealed time capsule – to Alex Salmond and his Just Say Yes campaign.

1810 AD: May revolution. Citizens of Buenos Aires expel Viceroy  Baltasar Hidalgo de Cisneros heralding the start of the Argentine War of Independence. Some citizens send diplomatic letter to United Kingdom asking it to lay off with the oppression of Scotland.

1837 AD: The Rebels of Lower Canada (Quebec) rebel against the British for Freeeeeeddddddooooooommm!!. Leading rebel Wolfred Nelson offers the precursor  of the Scottish National Party a chance at forming a pseudo Auld Alliance for continuous neverendums.

1914 AD: The Unionist House of Commons passes the Home Rule Act for devolution in Ireland. Scottish Nationalists start to get some wee Big Ideas, but decide that the Scottish Constitutional Convention is ‘up to no good’.

1953 AD: Nuclear testing: United States conduct their first and only nuclear artillery test in Nevada. Military concludes that it should base Trident in Faslane instead in order to wind up Scottish Nationalists.

1961 AD: President John F Kennedy announces plans to “put a man on the Moon” before the end of the decade. UK Labour party say there’s as much chance of that happening as Alex Salmond getting into bed with Rupert Murdoch.

1966 AD: The first prominent daziabao during the Cultural Revolution in China is posted at Peking University. It says: “Good luck with the independence launch Alex.”

1967 AD: Celtic FC from Glasgow, Scotland, become the first ever ‘British’ team to win the European Cup. Alex Salmond laments not being able to hold referendum in the glorious days of genuflection

1997 AD: A military coup in Sierra Leone replaces President Ahmad Tejan  Kabbah with Major Johnny Paul Koromah. The victor sends email of support to Alex Salmond: “Good luck with the subterfuging of Devolution.” it says.

2000 AD: Liberation Day of Lebanon: Unionist Israel withdraws its forces from most of the Lebanese territory. Alex Salmond feels suitably encouraged for 2003 election at Holyrood.

 2011 AD: Oprah Winfrey airs her last show, ending her 25 year run of The Oprah Winfrey Show. Her last words on television are: “Hope those suckers vote for your vanity project Alex.”

2012 AD: Sun King Alex of Salmond launches new movie “Alex in Wonderland: The Declaration of Cinemaplex Seven”.

Despite cramming the cinema with cronies, SNP drones, hingers oan, lottery winners, luvvie actors and rebel politicos, hardly anyone notices.

Greece and Spain still remain major threats to the core of neo-Liberal economic philosophy. Greece and Spain still represent the plunging of the world into major peace threatening depression.

Keen observers may have noted that the neverendum hasn’t actually lasted for more than 2000 years, it’s just that’s how long it feels. Ho hum, back to the weather.

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Dial M for Murdoch

As a tribute to the launch of the Just say Yes (Please!) campaign, here is a quick synopsis – minus the spoiler – of the upcoming blockbuster SNP funded movie ‘Dial M for Murdoch’.

Of course dear. If we had a consensus we wouldn’t have to go to a referendum. Everyone knows that – or maybe we should put that to a vote.

By Flotin Voter

SUN KING (Alex of Salmond) is a former wee jobby demagogue who married Alba Caledonia (Miss Scotland) partly for her money. To please his wife, he has given up right-wing sado-monetarism and now sells moral superiority and left-wing social justice.

Miss Scotland once had a relationship with Anglo Saxony (Mr England), a Unionist crime maker, but broke it off when he fell in love with Margaret Thatcher and her eccentric ideology.

In time they stopped talking the same language as each other, and when Anglo returns to sanity she tells him that she burned all their connections but one.

Alba explains to Anglo that the connection was stolen by a corporate blackmailer who demanded £5,000,000,000, so Alba paid by piping the money to a Sullom Voe location as intended.,but the money was never picked up and the connection was never returned.

Anglo  tells Alba that he wants to tell the Sun King about them so she can divorce the Sun King  allowing Anglo and Alba to  be together. But Alba refuses out of fear of hurting The Sun King’s political aspirations.

It is also revealed that the Sun King and Alba have made their social contract, naming each other as beneficiaries with assets and monies totaling £billions. For years, the Sun King meticulously plans Alba’s murder. She has no idea that the Sun Kings knows of her love for Anglo.

He has gone to great lengths to steal her trust which also contains one of Anglo’s connections. He even assumed the role of the anonymous Sullom Voe-based blackmailer to find out whether she would pay to have the connection back. (She did, but he asked for only £5,000,000,000 and she did not, of course, get the connection back.)

He even watched them having a little jubilee party, eating Haggis with Bully Beef in Anglo’s studio palace in the City of Westminster.

The Sun King slyly withdraws small amounts of money for a year, collecting £1,000,000 in (used) one-pound (£1) lottery winner notes, with which he plans to pay a contract killer.

He singles out the perfect man to do the job: Bullingdon Dave (Damocles Cameron), who now calls himself “Prime Minister”, a former acquaintance who has embarked on a life of petty tax crime since even before leaving Oxford where he and the Sun King were both students. By following him and finding out about his past and associations, The Sun King soon gets enough to blackmail Bullingdon into murdering his wife.

The Sun King uses the opportunity of Anglo’s return to London to carry out his plan. Under a pretext he has to prepare an urgent consultation for his bosses, he has Alba and Anglo go to the theatre and, when they are gone, he invites Bullingdon Dave to his flat under another pretext of wanting to buy an expensive media mogul’s favours from him.

When Bullingdon Dave arrives at 61A Bute Hoose Gardens that night, the Sun King gets down to business. There is no time to lose, as he has planned the murder for the following morning. Trapped in a corner by the revelations of his past crimes and tempted by the money, Dave reluctantly agrees to carry out the murder…

And that’s how we end the synopsis of Dial M for Murdoch. Will Dave succeed in killing Alba? Will the Sun King succeed in his daring plan to inherit Alba’s assets? Will Anglo rumble the plan and come riding like a white Inralavyson knight to save Alba Caledonia?

Find out in 2014 when the pantomine passion play is finally realised as the ultimate conclusion is drawn by the electorate in the voting booths of Scotland.

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What has the Union ever done for us?

Following recent murmurings regarding NATO and EU Membership and Currency and Monarchy deference and turning Independence into Indy Beige, Wee Eck decided to hold a meeting against the Unholy Alliance of Unionist forces of oppression. AhDinnaeKen is proud to present a transcript of how that meeting progressed.

Excuse me. Are you the Scotland People’s National Front? “F**k off! We’re the People’s National Front of Scotland” said Wee Eck yesterday.

John Finnie:  Right.   We get in through the Scottish Parliamentary system here… up through to the mainstream consciousness here… and the Unionists’ parliament is here. Having grabbed Scotland, we inform Damocles Cameron that Scotland is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

Angus Robberson:     What exactly are the demands?

Wee Eck:     We’re giving Damocles Cameron two years to dismantle the entire apparatus of the British Imperialist State and if they don’t agree immediately secede Scotland.

Angus Robberson:   Cut the oil off?

Moan McVulpine:     Cut all its bits off, send ’em back every hour on the hour… show them we’re not to be trifled with.

Wee Eck:     Also, we’re demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of Damocles Cameron with his Trident cock hanging out.

Auld Nick:    What? They’ll never agree to that, Eck.

Wee Eck:     That’s just a bargaining chip. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop their Union up, and… that we shall not submit to blackmail.

All:     (Applause) No blackmail!

Wee Eck:    They’ve bled us white, the bastards. They’ve taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers’ fathers.

Auld Nick:     And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

Wee Eck:   Yes.

Auld Nick:    And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

Wee Eck:     All right, Auld Nick. Don’t labour the point – ye lost Glesca like a true loser.  Get ower it.  And what have they ever given us in return?

Moan McVulpine:     The steam engine.

Wee Eck:     Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That’s true.

Drone SNP MSP:     And  sanitation!

Auld Nick:     Oh yes… sanitation, Eck, you remember what the country used to be like.

Wee Eck:    All right, I’ll grant you that the steam engine and sanitation are two things that the Union has done…

Moan McVulpine:     And the roads…

Wee Eck:     (sharply) Well yes obviously the roads… the roads go without saying. But apart from the steam engine, the sanitation and the roads…

Another Drone SNP MSP:     Canals…

Other SNP Drone Voices:    Medicine… Miner Freedom… Health…

Wee Eck:     Yes… all right, fair enough…

Drone SNP MSP Near Front:    And the extra trade…

All SNP Drones:     Oh yes! True!

Moan McVulpine:     Aye. That’s something we’d really miss if we left the Union, Eck.

Anonymous SNP Drone at Back:     Military protection!

Auld Nick:     And it’s safe to walk in the streets at night now.

Moan McVulpine:    Yes, they certainly know how to keep order… (general nodding)… let’s face it, they’re the only ones who could in a place like this.

(more general murmurs of agreement)

Wee Eck:     All right… all right… but apart from better sanitation and medicine and steam engines and canals and public health and roads and miner freedom and extra trade and military protection and public order… what has the Union done for us?

Angus Robberson:     Brought peace!

Wee Eck:     (very angry, he’s not having a good meeting at all) What!? Oh… (scornfully) Peace, yes… shut up!

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A Painful Lesson to Learn

By Moan McVulpine on May 22, Oh mah bloody heid’s nippin!

I APOLOGISED to the Scottish Parliament last week after I got a bit tired and emotional over lunch and missed a talkin’ shop session.

It was stupid but in keeping with my previous behaviour -Presiding Heidy Tricia Spiderwick was justifiably pissed off.

Me! Ah wiz jist pissed.

But the person I need to apologise to most is my wonderful ego-in-law, Bamboo Cane, who has pathologicalarthritis, which wine at lunchtime helps emolliate.

Bamboo Cane was my psychological crutch when I worked for corporate media philanthropist Goebbels Murdoch.

After my retirement fae his hacking newspapers I went into politics. Basically I craved even mare adulation and power than I wiz gettin fae his papers.

I wanted my question to draw attention to my need to be seen as ‘caring’ about anything other than my career and my relationship with Sun King Alex of Salmond.

As events unfolded and the wine flowed freely my pathological need for attention got forgotten aboot.

One in three times ah get tired and emotional ah end up getting depressed and resortin’ to type. Two in three say I should retire from politics. Four in five say I should be sacked.

Journalists seem more interested in the fact that an ordinary worker would be sacked for no turning up for work six times due to being hauf-jaked.

In fact muny wid only get wan chance afore they got their marching orders.

Protection by benevolent Firstminsters makes for a much better resolution in this instance.

The Presiding Heidy tried to remind me that it was a “privilege” to represent the Scottish electorate in the Big Bloodyrude Cooncil.

Diz auld soor chops no realise, ah um privileged and let me tell her this: aye ah disrespected Parliament and aw the ither bawbag MSPs ah work wi, but ah disrespected the people of Scotland and their bloody daft expectations regardin’ independence.

They say actions speak louder than words – an’ they’re right. But let me jist articulate whit mah actions wur really sayin’ to the people of Scotland.

That’s right: “Get it up ye’s ya bawbags!”

Ah couldnae ah made it ony clearer.  Could ah?

COMEDY RELIEF  Whit They Said  Oh Deer! Whit a Plunker!

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MSPs call for crackdown on late Scottish referendums

As the independence referendum phoney war gets set to break into open hostilities between the forces of Nationalist righteousness and the Unholy Alliance of darkness and oppression, AhDinnaeKen uncovers just why everything seems to be taking forever.

“He knows how to market himself well. Nowadays, that’s all that seems to count. He’s rebellious in a way that appeals to people with vain, shallow taste. So of course he manipulates his audiences with the blessing of his corporate masters and the financial investors behind his brand.” – Goebbels Murdoch on the Scottish Sun King

By Rumble Boredskin

MSPs HAVE called for a crackdown on late running referendums by bringing in past it Z list celebrities.

Referendums are currently allowed to arrive up to 10 years after stated times, before they are classed as late.

But this threshold should be cut to one year, the Scottish parliament’s Unholy alliance committee has said.

The cross-unionist Unholy alliance committee, which has been looking into the state of referendum services, said the current rules were causing a headache for voters.

Currently, referendum consultations are described as on-time if they arrive at the front page of the Scottish Sunday Sun within a six month threshold of ‘Murdoch’ meetings, increasing to two and a half years for impatient eligible voters.

In its report, the Unholy alliance committee said referendum operating times already planned for “right time scheduling”, but added: “The committee considers these thresholds do not adequately reflect the boredom and torpor they will induce in an electorate already underwhelmed by the whole debate.”

The report came ahead of the expiry of the ‘squeaky clean’ online SNP consultation, the results of which are due to be published sometime whenever in the future.

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MacAesop’s Fables # 12 – The Snake-Oil Salesman and His Pail

Our twelfth Sunday outpouring of sanctimony and self-righteous morality to be taken as seriously as Joan McAlpine’s commitment to the Scottish Parliament.  

It is not the failure of others to appreciate your abilities that should trouble you, but rather your failure to appreciate theirs said Mr Murdoch to Mr Salmond.

A NATION’S spiritual father was carrying his pail of oil from the parliament to the people when he fell a-musing.

“The money for which this oil will be sold will buy at least 3million votes.

“The votes, allowing for all mishaps, will produce an overwhelming mandate for hundreds of corporations to plant their businesses.

“The businesses will produce enough in taxes (at lower corporation rate) so that by the end of the year all of the unemployed will have a minimum wage job.

“The grateful unemployed (now employed of course) will join the party in droves and contribute to party funds.

“With these funds I will be able to go to international parties where all the smaller nations will propose to me to form an arc of prosperity, but I will toss my head and refuse them every one.”

At this moment he tossed his head in unison with his thoughts, when down fell the oil pail to the ground, and all his imaginary schemes perished in a moment.

Analysis: McCrone Report, GERS, Dis-United Union, referendum dates, referendum questions, NATO, Deference to the House of Hanover. All of these fit quite nicely into the moral of the story: “Do not count your chickens before they have hatched.”  

For more morally superior and vacuous posturing click on the Fable category to the right.

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SNP must learn to speak new language

The SNP leadership are now speaking a form of SNP Doric that grassroot activists no longer understand. AhDinnaeKen takes a delve into the causes of the consternation. Here’s oor guide to whit they said, whit they meant and whit happened.

By Whitjay Sae

AULD NICK STURGEON March 2012 On Cooncil Elections

We are not like Labour, we take nothing for granted, we will work hard for every vote.

“The people who will decide the election here in Glasgow and in every part of Scotland are the voters.

“But we face here a Labour Party that is crumbling before our eyes, a Labour Party that is discredited, that is losing councillors hand over fist.

“We are working hard in Glasgow and we are working hard right across our country.

“We are fighting hard to win the local elections in every single part of Scotland.”

ALS Interpreter Bunny: We are gonnae take Glasgow cos Labour are rubbish and we are the peepel who believe in FREEEEEDDDDDOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!

What Happened: Labour creamed the SNP in Glasgow to the leadership’s consternation and bafflement. Sun King Alex of Salmond’s ‘bounce’ effect was more a burst baw effect. Referendum in 2014 now has virtually no chance of hitting 50+ percent.

KENNY MACNAESKILL Feb 2012 On Prison Advocacy Service

 “We are showing a willingness to debate and discuss. I think what we have heard is that visiting committees were set up in 1871 – Scottish prisons are vastly different and Scottish prisoners have vastly different needs with drugs, alcohol and mental health issues.”

ALS Interpreter Bunny: 1.66% of respondents agreed with our new state sponsored service (1 out of 60). That’s guid enough for me to go aheid wi’ this.

What happened: Kenny MacNaeskill is doing away with the independent prison visiting committees leaving Scotland’s justice system open to the following claim: “This happens in totalitarian states such as Syria and was common in South American dictatorships”. Weel din Kenny, a brave new vision for criminal justice in Scotland.


SUN KING ALEX OF SALMOND – May 2011 On outlook for Brave New Nation

“The nation can be better, it wants to be better, and I will do all I can as First Minister to make it better. We have given ourselves the permission to be bold and we will govern fairly and wisely, with an eye to the future but a heart to forgive”.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: I am prepared to boldly let corporate sharks and shysters into my beloved Nationalist fiefdom. Have I not forgiven Murdoch for Milly Dowler. Welcome to the new look corporate Scotland.

What happened: Sun King Alex jumped into bed with every corporate huckster he could (excepct for Diageo’s Paul Walsh). Walked over local democracy, walked over corporate tax issues a la Amazon, walked over media and social morality and walked over republican dissenters within the party.

There you have it. As the Sun King is due to unleash the vision for Braveheart Scotland, we can expect more of the same snake oil political puff, only cheaper and with less credibility.

What am I going to vote – Ah Dinnae Ken.




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