Monthly Archives: April 2013

Political lessons we can all learn…say goodbye to Independence

This week Moan believes the Skints should adopt a more positive attitude in the Independence debate by dropping the word ‘currency’ from our vocabulary.

Moan McVulpine providing 'service' to the Firstminster whenever he wants it.
By Moan McVulpine

ON THE wall of a primary school parliament somewhere in Edinborrow is a large drawing of a politician’s gravestone.

It’s in loving memory of somebody called “Sun King Salmond”.

The teacher told her kids that he buried himself under a hailstorm of assertion, deception, and pantsonfire bluster.

Some of his relatives are still going strong. “Fantasy” and “Delusion” are regular visitors to the parliamentary classroom.

I heard this story at the weekend from another of my ‘special’ friends, Nudge Nudge, the head of a small cheesey blog in a former mini-sterial area.

But I digress.

Mr Johnboy Swindley of Whollyrude primary parliament gave one of the funniest so called currency union rebuttals on Newsnicht I’ve ever heard.

He was addressing Gordon Quisling Brewer on BBC Skintland’s Unionist turncoat flagship programme Newsnicht Skintland.

His audience was made up of the committed, the non-committed and anti-Scots Unionists: people who refuse to be sold a pup unless that pup has a worthwhile tale to wag.

Unfortunately for the NSP, this is a pup that needs put down.

Mr Swindley spoke of how a foreigner dignitary calling himself the Chancer of the Exchequer drew no breath as he put certain Nationalist assertions on currency unions and Sterling zones to the sword. And on St George’s Day too – the dirty English Basturt!

This deadly blow should have come as no surprise to anyone. For too long the NSP has been peddling pish as fact and getting away with it.

Now, us Nationalists have found out that reality bites and bites hard when assertion is placed under forensic scrutiny.

For too long we have believed that to state it is to make it so.

We have been told that we will have a sterling zone; that we will have automtic entry into Europe without the need for any tricky conditions; and that we can shelter under a nuclear first strike military alliance while ditching our chief ally’s er, nuclear weapons.

If you tell a child a kiddy on story long enough, they will believe you.

That is why we must cling to our assertions despite the numerous damaging body blows we’re sustaining in doing so.

Too many Skints, we are glad to say, are like children – eager to drink of our fantasy assertion pish.

No matter how much our assertions are ripped to shreds, no matter how tired or bored our dead Firstminster looks, no matter how much credibility we lose, we wil continue making Barnum statement assertions.

Some people will swallow anything, no matter the evidence to the contrary.

COMEDY RELIEF

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That Wiz The Week That Wiznae #1

Another half hearted attempt at keeping AhDinnaeKen running due to creeping torpor, slithering ennui, ever present nihilism and out and out boredom at the increasingly cyclic repetitious tedium of the Neverendum debate. New AhDinnaeKen correspondent Roderick Random tries a quick half witted and utterly discredited attempt at summarising the week that wiznae.

"A liar begins with making falsehood appear like truth, and ends with making truth itself appear like falsehood." - William Shenstone.

“A liar begins with making falsehood appear like truth, and ends with making truth itself appear like falsehood.” – William Shenstone.  So, that’s Salmond’s political philosophy dealt with then.

By Roderick Random

Monday: Sterling Zone No More

Skintland got a heavy handed ticking off from a thoroughly discredited Towel Folding Bullingdon Poshboy Chancer who, despite his lack of credibility on virtually anything (including towel folding), still has the power to say F**k Off to a rUK currency Union with an Independent Skintland.

As the Fantasy Assertion Nationalist boys quite rightly pointed out, saying no to a currency Union would not be a credible option for a rUK driving headlong into catastrophic bankruptcy in the medium to long term. Just makes you wonder why the Nationalists want to be an integral part of such a potentially debilitating and difficult to avoid catastrophe.

It also begs the question: Could the Nationalists make any kind of meaningful demands in currency union negotiations when faced with a dominant foreign and potentially belligerent treasury?

Summed up – A truly terrible start to a terrible week for the Nationalists.

"He that hopes no good fears no ill." - Thomas Fuller. That's right kids! Vote Yes or No for more of the same.

“Scaredey Nat”

Tuesday: Scaremongering outbreak – time to get vaccinated

The Pantsonfire Troika of Messrs Salmond, Swindley and Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon concede political dominance on the currency issue to Bullingdon Towel Folding Chancer Osborne when all three begin talking about an outbreak of “scaremongering” amongst the Unionists.

In private, Baron Salmond let slip: “It’s Westminster’s and the Treasury’s baw, they get to say who plays in the gemme and whit the rules ur. Arrogant English Basturts, we never get picked furst.”

Summed up: Even if the Nats were right, they’re still wrong. They don’t make the rules on the currency Union issue. Get ower it.

No booze is good booze.

No booze is good booze.

Wednesday: Drunken evidence gets pished on by everybody

The London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine tries to get its own back on the alcohol trade bodies which bitch slapped its alcohol pricing evidence back in 2008.

Back then, the pro-alcohol lobby had the temerity to talk up their business by blowing holes in the temperance and prohibition wing of the Nationalist Socialist Party’s asserted determination to impose Jakey Apartheid on the rest of Skintland.

The imposition, which the Nationalists hope will ensure a better class of alcoholic Jakey in Skintland ie the well off, is currently being treated like a cheap can of hooch in courts throughout Scotland and Europe.

Summed up: The benefits of a NSP majority dominated Unicameral government comes back to embarrassingly haunt it for the world to see in 3D Tartan-Assertion-Vision.

"Few would venture to deny the advantages of prohibitive temperance in increasing the efficiency of a nation at war with itself." - Joyless Scunner Sturgeon.

“Few would venture to deny the advantages of prohibitive temperance in increasing the efficiency of a nation at war with itself.” – Joyless Scunner Sturgeon.

Thursday: Solemn League and Covenant dismissed by Sturgeon

Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon poured oil on the waters of the Kirk by poo pooing their call for a separate coronation for the likes of the Queen, Prince Chuck and his Royal progeny.

Originating from an area which still resonates with vivid oral tales and lore from the covenanting ‘Killing Times’, Roderick Random thinks Miss Leader Sturgeon’s offhand flippancy might just rebound by coming back and haunting her ill judged remarks.

The Kirk is all too easily written off due to its continuing decline in congregational numbers, but its spiritual leaders work within distinctive historical time frames with completely different temporal and spiritual perspectives.

The message coming from the pulpit however might just send voters in one direction or the other, depending on the respect paid to their vested wishes.

Summed up: Faith has just as much resonance in the spiritual realm as it does in the political. Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon would do well to remember that.

 

Boo! Hiss! Cancel my subscription to Private Eye. Boo!

Boo! Hiss! Cancel my subscription to Private Eye. Boo!

Friday: Have I Got Boos For You

Yet again, our humourless compatriots demonstrate that humour is a scarce resource in thin skin rich, hot air rich, oil rich, whisky rich, assertion rich Skintland.

The BBC’s London-centric Have I Got News For You audience voted that Skintland should “bugger off” and be denied access to the pound. The cheeky racist English basturts! Hope they lose their empire, er etc.

Cue hordes of Presbyterian, Humourless, Temperance, Prohibition and Irony Free independinistas insisting that such ‘condescendingly insulting’ satire will ensure victory in the most historic day in the history of history ever – er, sometime in September next year, we think.

Summed Up: They will rue the day etc etc. We have suffered this for 300 years etc etc. Basturt English etc etc. ZZZzzz etc etc!

Angus Robberson: Chinning the chin merchants for having too many chins.

Angus Robberson: Chinning the chin merchants for having too many chins to chin.

Saturday: Too wee, too poor, too stupit to change the tune!

AhDinnaeKen cannot recall any prominent Unionist, either positive or negative, actually using the too wee, too poor, yadda yadda mantra about Skintland’s chances of going it alone.

Yet, in an interview on AudioBoo, Angus Robberson MP, the SNP’s Furst Strike Chip On Shooder scaremongering attack poodle, insisted on putting words into the mouths of Bullingdon Chancer Osborne and his travelling pet Ginger Rodent, Fanny Alexander.

Robberson said: “They are running around trying to scare people into voting no. And I think it says something about the paucity of the argument in favour of the Union that the only case they seem to be making is that people in Scotland are uniquely poor, stupid and incapable of governing themselves.”

Hmm! Roderick Random doesn’t remember them saying that, quite the opposite in fact, but facts plainly don’t hinder Mr Furst Strike Robberson when he’s in full flow SNP assertion mode.

Summed up: Roderick Random is a keen anti-censorship advocate, but surely it isn’t asking too much of the Nationalists to slap a ban on the too wee, too poor, chip on shooder yadda yadda tedious mantra pish.

"It's so easy for propaganda to work, and dissent to be mocked". - Harold Pinter. Working out which is which is the problem in Skintland

“It’s so easy for propaganda to work, and dissent to be mocked”. – Harold Pinter. Working out which is which is the problem in Skintland

Sunday: The Nationalists Cannae Take It Captain

Even the most ardent Nationalist accepts that it’s been a bruising week for the Independence campaign. The cracks in the broad church are beginning to leak and the Nationalist Socialist Party is getting impatient with Baron Salmond’s lack of radicalism, vision or drive to break beyond the 30% support barrier.

Wars of Attrition are invariably won by the most firmly entrenched side and, in the Neverendum’s instance, that isnae the Salmond led forces of Nationalism and Self-Righteous Ffffrrrreeeeddddoooommmm™ Fighters.

As AhDinnaeKen has said before, Salmond’s bolt is mostly shot. He’s as much an asset as a liability to the Independence cause. They cannae win Independence with him, and they cannae win it without him.

Summed up: The Nationalist Indy dilemma needs mair than di-lithium crystals Captain. Phasers set to stun. Warp speed 10 etc etc.

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Pension deficit: SNP cabinet disnae care, they’re sorted

Skintland’s pension pots are already at risk and independence may add to that risk according to reports from the Unionist biased mainstream media. AhDinnaeKen reports.

“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” – Aesop. Weel din Skintland sark, Baron Salmond and his freeloading cabinet appreciates it.

“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” – Aesop. Weel din Skintland sark, Baron Salmond and his freeloading cabinet appreciates it.

By Robin Bastads

DUAL PENSION holder and Firstminster, Baron Salmond, has moved to assure the electorate that his Westminster, Whollyrude and ‘special’ Firstminster pensions will be safe should Skintland gain independence.

Nationalists and Salmond cult of personality believers were worried over reports that Skintland’s growing pension deficit would have to be corrected immediately should the country vote for independence.

And they believed that it might directly affect the Firstminster’s MP pension, MSP pension and ex-Firstminster ‘special’ pension worth more than £100,000 per year.

Pensions are safe
At the local food bank in Banff, one worried disabled pensioner about to be evicted from her under populated flat, Wee Jeannie, said: “I would feel terrible if the Firstminsters triple pensions were to be whammied by this terrible news.

“He does such a good job lying for his country, it would be a shame if he wasn’t properly rewarded for that.

“I’m sure I could find a few bawbees for him if I sold my husband’s medals and my wedding ring.”

But, according to the Firstminster, Wee Jeannie’s wedding ring is safe, though he could not vouch for her hubby’s medals.

He said: “Gordon Brown and David Cameron gave up their ‘special’ Prime Minister pensions to make me look bad.

“Well ah’m fur nane o’ it. I don’t care about looking bad. Checkout my performance at Leveson and Firstminster’s Questions every week.”

According to the Skintsman paper: “accounts disclosed that the most senior SNP politicians have built up pensions worth £493,000 since they came to power six years ago.

“Those pension arrangements do not include those for Alex Salmond, who receives a special pension worth half his salary when he steps down.”

Freeloading, cash-in, taxpayer robbing bastard spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “Ye see, it disnae really matter whether we get independence or no, everybody in the Skintish cabinet is sorted.

“So who cares really?”

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Scaremongering outbreak: Time to get immunised says Electoral Commission

Will the future of Skintland’s Neverendum vote be affected by the current outbreak of scaremongering presently afflicting Westminster and the Basturt English populations? AhDinnaeKen reports:

"He that hopes no good fears no ill." - Thomas Fuller. That's right kids! Vote Yes or No for more of the same.

“He that hopes no good fears no ill.” – Thomas Fuller. That’s right kids! Vote Yes or No for more of the same. Nothing to fear here other than fear itself.

By Weeraw Dumed

OLDER VOTERS not protected against scaremongering in Skintland are being offered the chance to be ‘vaccinated’.

The Electoral Commission are writing to voters and under age voters after a rising number of cases emanating from England and Westminster.

Problems have been caused by the number of 16 and 17 year old children not immunised after the now discredited concerns over currency unions and Nationalist fantasy assertions.

Skintland’s scaremongering vaccination uptake has been high, but the chief propaganda officer urged the terrified to get immunised immediately or they’ll probably die from laughing at the Nationalists or from fright at the Unionists.

The number of potential scaremongering cases in Skintland has been steadily rising over the past 15 months to a total just short of 4 million.

Across the whole of Alba and Caledonia there were 1,209,2014 cases last week – the highest figure since Tricky Dicky Salmond claimed he had taken legal advice on Europe.

Skintland’s chief propaganda officer, Sir Scary Prospect, said the country had suffered from an unenviable scaremongering outbreak by both the Nationalists and the Unionists and warned against the dangers of not getting jabbed.

He said: “Since the beginning of January 2012, Skintland has been subjected to an unprecedented outbreak of scaremongering.

“Nationalist scaremongers say that not voting Yes will result in horrible evil, baby eating, inhumane Tory Tory rule forever.

“Unionist scaremongers assert that not voting No will result in pain, misery, poverty and a lifetime of having to listen to Firstminster Oil Baron Salmond’s pish.

“Vaccination is the best way to protect childish voters and older voters against serious consequences – it’s too hard to tell how many have died from fright and how many have died laughing.”

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Swindley: Scaremongering pact must go ahead

Independence debate takes another turn for the worse. Now it isn’t just about uncertainty, Nationalist assertions and scaremongering. It’s all about Scaremongering. AhDinnaeKen reports:

"A disordered currency is one of the greatest political evils." - Daniel Webster.  Evil Tories. Evil Nationalists. They're aw evil scaremongers.

“A disordered currency is one of the greatest political evils.” – Daniel Webster. Evil Tories. Evil Nationalists. They’re aw evil scaremongers.

By Geezalenaya Fiver

THE CASE for an independent Skintland retaining its scaremongering assertions in a scaremongering pact wi’ the basturt scaremongerin’ English is “not assured”, according to treasury scaremongers.

Skintland becoming independent from the UK would “see profound changes in the scaremongering strategy of both states”, it said.

In a future scaremongering speech, Chief Bullingdon Towel Folder, Chancer Osborne will argue there would be an imbalance in the scaremongering relationship between both countries.

The Skintish government said a ‘scaremongering pact’ would be in everyone’s uncertain scaremongering interests.

Voters in Skintland will be given the choice of opting for more arrogant and oppressive imperialistic scaremongering from the basturt English, or wee jobby chip on shooder scaremongering from the sanctimoniously self righteous Nationalists, in September 2014.

Until then, scaremongering is forecast to be the growth industry of the increasingly scaremongering debate and, at present rates, is expected to outgrow renewable Nationalist assertions.

The scaremongering treasury team is expected to argue that even if an independent Skintland did keep its scaremongering quotient, it would lose influence over key scaremongering issues.

Scaremongers Ahoy!
Bullingdon Chancer Osborne said: “Myself and Bullingdon Dave have always said that Skintland can scaremonger alone. The question is, is it better for Skintland.

“All they will really be able to scaremonger about is the English treasury, via the Bank of England, setting interest rates too high in order to mess with the Skintish economy, y’know, just for laughs.”

But Nationalist Deputy Chief Scaremongering Finance Backstabber John Swindley said:

“The Bullingdon Chancer is coming from a profoundly arrogant English basturt point of view that scaremongering belongs only to them.

“Scaremongering is as much in the ownership of the Nationalists as it is in the ownership of the basturt English.

“Have we not pointed out repeatedly that not voting Yes will result in more dictatorial Tory rule forever.

“Whereas with Independence we will be able to be dictated to by Tory Chancers of the Exchequer.

“Now that’s what I call scaremongering!”

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SNP prepared to do and say what it takes to do and say what it takes

Labour Tories have accused the Tartan Tories of acting like the Tory Tories. Meanwhile, the Lib-Dem Tories in cahoots with the Tory Tories reinforce the accusation made by the Labour Tories against the Tartan Tories. Confused? Don’t bother reading on.

"A flow of words is a sure sign of duplicity." - Honore de Balzac.  Wonder what Mr Forwar's excuse is then.

“A flow of words is a sure sign of duplicity.” – Honore de Balzac. Wonder what Mr Forwar’s excuse is then.

By Akhugh Zation

DEPUTY LEADER of the Labour Tory party Anas Forwar stands accused of being prepared to do and say anything to highlight that Firstminster Baron Salmond is prepared to do or say anything to achieve independence.

The Unionist biased media, which is prepared to do and say anything to stop Salmond’s preparations for doing or saying anything, also stands accused of being prepared to do or say anything to prevent Salmond from doing and saying anything to achieve independence.

Bullingdon Primeminster Poshboy Cameron waded into the stooshie by being prepared to do and say anything to help reinforce the Unionist media’s preparation to do and say anything regarding Forwar’s preparedness to do and say anything to expose Salmond for being prepared to do and say anything to achieve independence.

Highly prepared and alert anything goes doer and sayer spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “It’s usually me who’s prepared to do and say anything to reinforce and back up Baron Salmond’s preparedness to do and say anything to achieve independence.

“That’s a lot of preparation and that’s a lot of doing and saying: Just Say Yes (please) and do us a favour – we’re currently preparing for a No vote.”

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Baron Salmond: Wrong to say it was wrong to celebrate Iron lady’s death

Firstminster Baron Salmond claimed that all those celebrating the death of his mentor and friend Baroness Thatcher were tasteless pinko commy scum and threatened to amend the Football Fan Kettling Act 2012.

Come 19th September 2014, AhDinnaeKen wonders if some bright spark will come up with a tune - 'Ding dong Salmond's career is dead'.

Come 19th September 2014, AhDinnaeKen wonders if some bright spark will come up with a tune – ‘Ding dong Salmond’s career is dead’.

By Banshee Salmond

FIRSTMINSTER BARON Salmond could barely stifle the tears as he paid his last respects to his ‘mentor and friend’ Margaret Thatcher yesterday.

But his sorrow soon turned to anger when he vented his spleen at the anti-democratic forces of evil celebrating her passing.

And he added that those protesting and celebrating the Iron lady’s death were ‘shaming their nation in the eyes of the world.’

He said: “Margaret Thatcher had a reputation for brutality which some likened to General Pinochet, Pol Pot and Slobodan Milosevic. But when you got to know these dictators, just like Maggie, they were really nice guys.

“I remember when my party couldnae garner a ha’penny never mind a vote in Scotland. Along came Maggie, closed down some pits, an aluminium smelter and a steel works and the next thing you know, the SNP and myself were very popular again.

“What a gal. She will be sorely missed.”

The Firstminster was accompanied by the plasticine parliament’s El Presidente Officer Tricia Spiderwyck.

Maintaining her sense of decorum, awareness and perspective she said:

“Today was first and foremost a family funeral (sic).

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. The miners who lost their jobs during Maggie’s reign could easily have had a £10 million family funeral an’ aw if they wanted to.

“I liked the music and it was very colourful and the fact that it was Mark and Carol Thatcher’s mummy made it very personal.

“Can I go to the toilet now please?”

Scottish Conservative Leader Truth Davidson said something fawningly Tory which in the interests of balance we will ignore.

One pinko commy working class piece of benefit scum getting ideas above his station in life, Jock McAverage, said: “Maggie had an agenda to divide and rule but it backfired, thousands of Scots were able to unite in misery as they waited in the dole queue to sign on thanks to her policies.”

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