Category Archives: Economy

SNP knew Mackay would crack and fail due to stress

FORTH ROAD Bridge engineers considered replacing the part of the Scottish transport department which failed dismally to perform this week. AhDinnaeKen reports:

 "Sometimes when people are under stress, they hate to think, and it's the time when they most need to think." - William J. Clinton. Unfortunately for the country's economy, Derek Mackay was not "Stronger for Scotland."

“Sometimes when people are under stress, they hate to think, and it’s the time when they most need to think.” – William J. Clinton. Unfortunately for the country’s economy, Derek Mackay did not think and was not “Stronger for Scotland.”

By Truss JointCivil engineering and ministerial expert

ENGINEERS WORKING on Transportminster Derek Mackay have revealed how they plan to fix his career which cracked on Good Morning Scotland on Wednesday forcing him to reveal the truth about the Forth Road Bridge closure.

It’s believed to involve a “face saving repair” around his radio performance which failed dismally to cover up the SNP government’s budgetary gamble with the country’s economy.

A media access platform is being built around the broken minister but, given his failed admission of truth to the BBC’s Gary Robertson on Wednesday, experts say his career is beyond repair.

Firstminster Nicola Sturgeon told MSPs that her “absolute intention” was to deflect all blame on to Mackay in case any of the finger pointing should fall in her direction.

Ms Sturgeon pointed out that the transportminster was “more than 38 years old, he’s been carrying more responsibility than he was designed for by way of ability and competence.”

She insisted: “This problem with Mackay was not predicted for the radio appearance in which he cracked, but we are trying desperately to remedy it, we are fixing it and we will get another fallguy in place before the new Forth crossing is due to open next year.”

Scottish Labour Opportunists deputy leader Alex Rowley said: “It was predicted as far back as 2010 that Derek Mackay would develop a fault.

“We need a full parliamentary inquiry into what has gone wrong with Mackay.

“For an SNP Minister to admit that he lied to parliament, while revealing it to the BBC on the radio, shows there has been too much strain put on his ministerial performance and now he has broken.

“There needs to be a full replacement of the transportminster section of the SNP government.”

 

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Currency: Asset or assethole? You decide!

FIRSTMINSTER Salmond and, by definition, the Nationalists, consistently refer to currency as an “asset”. They argue that the sterling currency is as much an asset of Scotland’s as it is of England’s and rUK. It’s why their argument of ‘deny us our assets and we’ll ignore our liabilities’ (debts) holds such resonance for the indy committed. Unionists, as would be expected, say that currency isn’t an asset. So what is it? AhDinnaeKen disnae ken:

"The good fighters of old first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat, and then waited for an opportunity of defeating the enemy." - Sun Tzu.  Looks like Salmond will be waiting for a while.

“The good fighters of old first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat, and then waited for an opportunity of defeating the enemy.” – Sun Tzu.  Looks like Salmond failed at the first.

By Izzit Tangible

ON YESTERDAY’S BBC Marr show, Firstminster Salmond said “if you claim ownership of all of the United Kingdom assets like the Bank of England and the currency then you end up with all the liabilities!”

A clear threat that an indy Scotland under the Firstminster’s rule would default on its debt should it be denied a currency union with rUK.

His statement also begged the question, just who is the bully, bluffer and blusterer and is currency an asset?

Here’s what AhDinnaeKen’s extensive investigations found ie we* trawled the internet.

In 2001, Kathy Mann, Director of the Office of the Fiduciary Advisor at State Street Global Advisors concluded:

“However for all intents and purposes, active currency has zero correlation to the major equity and fixed income asset classes.”

That’s a naw. It isnae an asset.

The website ETF.com (Electronically Traded Funds) opens an article entitled ‘Currency: The Overlooked Asset Class’ like this:

“International currency is the largest and most liquid asset class in the world.”

That’s an uncontestable aye. It is an asset.

The implication by ‘The Bankwatch’ is clear here:

“I think there is a lot of confused thinking about Bitcoin.  I believe today it is an asset and not a currency.  That view is supported by first Germany, and now Norway.”

It strongly implies currency is not an asset.

And then there’s an overall balanced argument as put forward here by Advisor.ca:

“On the one hand, there are those who argue that currency is either its own asset class or a subset of alternative asset class, giving it a place in modern portfolio theory.

“In the other camp are the traditionalists who say currency has no inherent value, and as a result is not an asset class in the same way stocks and bonds are.”

The conclusion is clear. Nobody, not even the experts in the field, knows for sure.

In Firstminster Salmond’s case, it comes down to that old faithful of committed indy supporters – trust.

If you trust Salmond, currency is an asset.

If you don’t trust him, it’s not.

If you neither trust him nor distrust him, then it’s mebbe’s it is, mebbe’s it isnae.

The whole argument is moot though.

And it’s ever so slightly offset by the fact that the Tories, the Lib-Dems and the Labouring party aren’t prepared to have a currency union whether it’s an asset or an intangible or a barrel of Brent sweet.

As if it needs repeated, the currency union rejection by the indy opposition has effectively sunk the Yes campaign.

The Nationalists present campaign strategy is of manning the lifeboats and seeing how many survivors they can muster before the whole ship ignobly sinks.

Yesterday’s attack on Andrew Marr by the Firstminster is symptomatic of that contingency strategy.

He knows he’s lost, it’s just a matter of regrouping and re-enthusing the faithful for yet aother push later on – no doubt with a different leader.

And, of course, culprits such as the BBC will always be there to take the blame due to their intangible bias and bullying.

Because that’s the only way right minded people would consider any other alternative than voting Yes. Right kids?

Gie’s a len o’ a poun mister!

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No more hi-tech for Scots if they choose independence

FIRST the Nationalists promised us an X-Box One. Now Better Together say we’ll have to give up our i-pad mini’s. AhDinnaeKen asks, just what gadgets are we going to gain or lose post-Neverendum:

Nationalists want us to rediscover our historical roots with alternative technology.

Nationalists want us to rediscover our historical roots with alternative technology.

By Naemare Hitech

SCOTS COULD be left with no hi-tech gadgets in the event of a Neverendum Yes vote.

According to a Better Together Project Feartie & Snivelling Coward spokesperson, the Scots could end up “having to text from a phone box”.

The announcement followed the recent shocking news that oil revenues can go up as well as down – known in political circles as doing a ‘Joan McAlpine’.

Better Together Frontman Blare MacDougall said that Scots could end up having to play Call of Duty on that ZX Spectrum currently festering in their loft.

He said: “First we were told we would be better off by £500 a head – enough for a X-Box One – trebles all round.

“Now it turns out we’ll have to give up our i-Pad minis – turn doon the heating will ye.”

The Scottish public were left shellshocked by the announcement which followed the recent publishing of GERS data.

According to the Institute of Pronouncements, Scotland’s deficit could be as much as £1000 per person by 20016-17 – the equivalent of having to give up your flat screen telly, Sky Box, Blu-Ray player and i-Pad mini.

“We’ll be left watching black and white Sanyo portables if the Nationalists get their way,” moaned one bigoted, thought controlled, anti-Scots, cringing, snivelling, cowardly Quisling traitor to his country.

Nokia 3310 mobile phone owning spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “Who needs hi-tech in an independent Scotland? We’ll have each other. And ye can borrow mah phone if ye like.”

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Osborne to call Salmond’s bluff

THE WAR of words and actions between England and Scotland has been ramped up to a state never seen since pre-Darien days. Then, ‘good’ King William helped ensure that Scotland’s daring bid to enrich itself would fail. Has Salmond’s bluff been called? Will Osborne stick his tongue oot and say, “only kidding”? We’ll find out tomorrow. For now, if this was a game of poker, Salmond’s debt default bluff has been well and truly called. AhDinnaeKen reports:

"Money is the sinew of love as well as war." - Dr. Thomas Fuller.  Westminster declares economic war on Scotland. Who's gonnae win.

“Money is the sinew of love as well as war.” – Dr. Thomas Fuller. Westminster to declare economic war on Scotland. Who’s gonnae win?

By Texas Holdem

UK CHANCELLOR Bullingdon Osborne is likely to declare economic war on Scotland tomorrow.

He said he’s had enough of Salmond’s poker playing and it was time to show who really held all the cards in the present currency Union poker game.

The Scottish government accused the chancellor of “running scared” and acting like a “bully”.

Indy commenter, Ian McWhirter, said the chancellor was effectively declaring “economic warfare” on Scotland. Though he kept quiet about Salmond’s threat to default on Scotland’s debt share if he didnae get his currency Union.

The most lucid and wisest advice given to Firstminster Salmond today was from an unexpected quarter.

Country singer, Kenny Rogers (still alive) offered the following wisdom:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
“Know when to fold ’em
“Know when to walk away
“Know when to run
“You never count your money
“When you’re sittin’ at the table
“There’ll be time enough for countin’
“When the dealin’s done”

He further added:

“Now every gambler knows the secret to survivin’
“Is knowin’ what to throw away
“And knowin’ what to keep
“‘Cause every hand’s a winner
“And every hand’s a loser
“And the best that you can hope for
“Is to die in your sleep”

Wag, half-wit, moron and hate blinded idiot, Longshanker, said:

“That’s it then. Indy has died in its sleep. That’s a shame. Next!”

 

CURRENCY UNION EXPLAINED IN THREE WORDS

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A tribute to SuperSalm – superhero of the Nationalist class

Poor wee Skintland. Not only is it rich in natural resource, as we found out last week, it is also rich in Superheroes. AhDinnaeKen investigates:

Superheroes give us hope for the future. Thanks to SuperSalm we know what to look forward to - total capitulation.

Superheroes give us hope for the future. Thanks to SuperSalm we know what we can look forward to – total capitulation to corporate muscle flexing.

By Deecee McComics

Narrator: Faster than a speeding sloth. More powerful than a loco Labour party. Able to leap on parliamentary aides in a single bound.

Average Jock 1: Look! Up in the headlines! It’s a turd.

Jock Wummin: It’s insane!

Average Jock 2: It’s SuperSalm!

Narrator: Yes, it’s SuperSalm. Strange visitor from another parliament, who came to Skintland with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. SuperSalm, who can change the course of mighty corporations, bend intransigent Unions in his bare hands. And who, disguised as a bloated Politician and profligate Firstminster of a mediocre Parish Cooncil, fights a neverending battle for troof, corporatism and the Tartan Tory way. And now, another sleep inducing episode in the adventures of SuperSalm:

SuperSalm and the capitulation of ordinary people to evil corporations

Narrator: There’s trouble brewing at the Petro-chemical plant. Benevolent international corporate tax avoiders need to put troublesome native workers in their place. Lex Luffer-Ratcliffe requires assistance in holding the country to ransom while shafting his workforce and simultaneously getting the taxpayer to gift him with trouser loads of risk free money.

Average Jock 1: No one in the world is capable of doing that!

Jock Wummin: Yer probably richt!

Average Jock 2: It’s time to call for SuperSalm!

SuperSalm: Stand aside keachy mortals! I shall use my superpowers to give Lex Luffer-Ratcliffe everything, and more, that he wants.

Narrator: SuperSalm and super little helper Lois Lane-Swindley do everything in their power to help shaft their own citizens.

SuperSalm: Another victory for corporate backscratching. I shall bask in the Nationalist mythologising of this victory for indecency and ‘civic progressive’ values for many months to come.

Look forward to more of this supine capitulation to corporate power Jock citizens. We will break free from the imperialistic yoke of the evil empire. Better a corporate slave than a Unionist slave.

Narrator: Next week we shall follow the adventures of SuperSalm as he demonstrates the best methods to keep parliamentary aides satisfied while still maintaining a ‘happy marriage’ with his super mum/wife.

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Bullingdon posh boy set to punish workshy oiks

Towel folding Chancer’s recent announcement to penalise the long term jobless for their wilful idleness will have several beneficial economic offshoots, according to absolutely nobody. AhDinnaeKen investigates:

Hard working people need to be able to recognise "the enemy (virus) within." said Gideon Richborne yesterday.

“Hard working people need to be able to recognise the enemy (virus) within.” said Gideon Richborne yesterday.

By Hardquore Scrownjar

THE LONG term unemployed are to be punished in order to drive key economic indicators for the Benevolent Tories it has been claimed.

Chancer of the Exchequer, Gideon Richborne, is set to announce a range of punishments for the plebs of society later this afternoon at the Tory Tory Tory conference.

Richborne will promise an exponential increase in misery, poverty, humiliation, despair, suicide and crime.

The long term unemployed haven’t been stigmatised enough according to the Bullingdon Chancer and this populist measure is expected to increase his party’s election chances in 2015.

The £300 million “Help Us to Get Elected” package will see 200,000 assorted low-lifes, illiterates, drug addicts and reprobates given no other choice than to do what their Conservative betters tell them.

And the measure is expected to have the added benefit of keeping the lowly paid in line in order to boost their superiors bank balance.

According to Conservative Bankers for Business spokesperson, Hartless B’Stard, the move will have several societal benefits for the Tory Party.

He said: “Driving the benefits bill down means that we can also drive wages down in the full knowledge that nobody will give up their shitty and soul destroying low-paid job in case they fall into our hands. Result!”

It is also expected that people losing their benefit will engage in entrepreneurial activities such as hanging themselves, overdosing, mugging old grannies, casual theft, prostitution and aggravated burglary.

People placed on the new scheme will have to wear a yellow star on their shoulder so that decent hard working voters can instantly identify them.

“This something for nothing virus has spread through our society like a cancer” said a random pub bore.

“Gideon has the right idea. For every pleb he can get off benefits, that’s another free bottle of bolly for the next Tory party conference. Hurrah for our poshboy social superiors.”

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Scottish budget: Swindley pledges enough to let bedroom tax victims eat cake

Finance secretary happy to keep hated Tory legislation victims “on the hook”.

SNP answer question: "Who's responsible for kicking the poor when they're down?"

SNP answer question: “Who’s responsible for kicking the poor when they’re down?”

By Inra Munny

SKINTLAND’S FINANCE secretary has set out his spending plans for the next two years, insisting he would continue subsidising the middle class.

John Swindley said there would be more money for upper band council tax payers and more subsidies for those who can already afford it.

He also said that the SNP government would make some token gestures so that it appeared they cared about poor people evicted from their homes.

But the opposition accused him of putting the boot into Scotland’s most vulnerable in order to play politics for the Indy campaign.

Bloviating in the Skintish Parliament, Mr Swindley said his draft budget, worth an awful lot of pocket money and funded by the big boys Treasury at Westminster, would also pay for some SNP vanity projects.

And he added that it was important for top band council tax payers to get substantially more of a subsidy than the “common clarty basturts” in cooncil hooses.
Mr Swinney said the draft 2014-15 budget would:

  • See more people kicked oot their hooses to aid anti-Tory rhetoric
  • Maintain middle class subsidies in order to keep them on board with the SNP’s raison d’être.
  • Invest £24m in 2015-16 on a national ‘burn the booze’ hate ritual and supermarket windfall tax.

Fat cat apologist with all the cream spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “This budget will ensure that even if we don’t vote Yes next year, the Skintish civil service will still be much better off than the cooncil scheme riff raff. We’ll let them eat cake.”

 

 

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