Monthly Archives: December 2012

SNP timebomb set to explode

Disparate Scottish Nationalist ‘all things to all people’ Party set to implode in vacuum of accusation, blame and counter accusation. Deep fried Mars Bars and Irn Bru sales at all time high to watch the ensuing tragi/comedy.

“Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it.” ― Stephen Vizinczey. Weel din Stephen Noon on your Post-grad in constitutional stupidity at Edinborrow University.

“Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it.” ― Stephen Vizinczey. Weel din Stephen Noon on your Post-grad in constitutional stupidity at Edinborrow University.

By High Noon
FORMER MILITANT SNP windae brekker, Dim Sillars, has dismissed as ‘stupid’ everything the Scottish Nationalist Party has ever said or done since its 2007 election victory.

In a hauf-bricked attack on Steffan-High Noon, the Nationalist party’s chief tic-tac-tician, Mr Sillar’s questioned the need of a united ‘national front’ as a pretext for a successful Neverendum vote.

He said: “There is only one party we fundamentalist Nationalists hate more than Labour, and that’s the Salmond led gradualist Nationalists.

Without irony or tongue in cheek, Mr Sillars accused the ‘gradualists’ of being ‘splitters’ who “were damaging the Nationalist cause”.

He further accused the ‘gradualists’ of trying to soothe the ‘feartie 90 minute patriot’ Scots electorate by kidding on that they would go away and leave everyone alone should the fantasy of a Yes vote be achieved.

But firebrand curmudgeon wifey of Sillars and chief Margaret Thatcher supporter, Margo MacDonut, was in no mood for compromise.

She attacked Mr Noon as an embarrassment with no sense of rhythm or timing who was trying to lead everyone on a “not very merry dance”.

She said: “His timing is stupid. His beliefs are stupid. His strategy is stupid.

“The only thing more stupid than his belief the Nationalists will go away after independence is my belief that this attack will do anything other than sow the seeds of fractiousness, infighting and embarrassing external division.

“Now that’s what I call STUPID.”

Sophist and obfuscating apologist fantasist spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “Margo and the electorate will be able to take solace from the knowledge that we are not going to disband or fade away after the Neverendum.

“No, we will merely split and unravel – a process which she seems most keen to help us with.

“Now that’s what I call TIMING.”


Filed under Culture, CyberNats, Diplomacy, Referendum

Most Whollyrude inmates ‘have poor political reading skills’

New information request reveals that Scottish Parliamentarians could all do with a copy of ‘Political Literacy for Dummies’ in their new year reading list.

Joseph Brodsky“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.” ― Joseph Brodsky.  Another is taking MSPs at face value.

“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.” ― Joseph Brodsky. Another is taking MSPs at face value.

By Kanny Reid

ABOUT 80 per cent of MSPs are politically illiterate, according to figures accidentally released by a big boy who promptly ran away.

The information was obtained from a Scottish Public Opinion (SPO) request after an exposé by a Tory Tory.

The Tory Tories have called for all MSPs to be given something constructive to do beyond rubber stamping Commisar Salmond diktats and blocking impertinent democratic questions on Twitter.

The SPO said it had introduced a more robust method of measuring political literacy levels among MSPs.

The newly released figures also suggested that about seven-in-ten Nationalist politicians have problems with basic assertions – many have still to grasp that assertions need both substance and evidence to be credible.

It has been suggested that Nationalist MSPs might never grasp the concept of ‘scrutiny’.

A previous estimate made by the SPO in 2007 put political illiteracy levels at 50%.

The official response from the SPO to the Tory Tories said that: “approximately 81% of Whollyrude politicians were assessed as lacking functional political skills with at least one having no understanding of the meaning of ‘accurate’ answers whatsoever.”

Scottish Tory Tory leader Truth Davidson said: “These findings acutely expose what every layman in Scotland already knows, Scottish parliamentarians are politically illiterate numpties.

“That severely hampers their chances of every being taken seriously by anyone in the real world outside of Whollyrude ever.”

Ms Davidson added: “They are gaining nothing from pretending to know what they are doing when they could actually be learning to read the writing which has been on the Neverendum wall for some time now.”

The SPO stressed that despite a small flurry of hope and optimism in 1999, Scottish politicians have shown themselves to be, at their absolute best, no better than their crooked Westminster counterparts.

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Filed under Culture, Opinion, Referendum

Correction rules to be ‘corrected’ for SNP MSPs

Past five years of SNP record can now be officially ‘corrected’ in the Whollyrude correction centre.

“That's how it is with SNP manifesto pledges. The greater they sound, the more must've got left out.” ― Every Scotsman.

“That’s how it is with SNP manifesto pledges. The greater they sound, the more must’ve got left out.” ― Every Scotsman. Now the SNP can get it wrong till they get it right thanks to the rewrtiable parliamentary code.

By Obfew Skate

CHANGES HAVE been made to the procedure used by MSPs to correct inaccurate assertions made by the SNP.

A section of the Big Cooncil’s business bulletin outlines procedures to rewrite history in a manner acceptable to the ‘indy minded’ public.

Whollyrude’s barefaced lies and obfuscation committee hopes the move will make cover ups, denials and untruths less likely to be exposed.

The changes followed an incident where Tricky Dicky Salmond was caught red handed fiddling the figures on Scottish greengo jobs.

The updated guidance to SNP MSPs also makes it clear the specific reasons why the Presiding Officer is a SNP MSP – she will assist with any clandestine action in order to smooth the path for the Neverendum.

Members of the barefaced lies and obfuscation committee also made it clear the specific steps which are required in order to mislead the public and parliament.

Committee convener Dave Ceep- Lieingson said they had “taken the opportunity to rewrite history whenever some or other substanceless assertion got found out.

He added: “Taken together, we know these changes will help pull the wool over the electorate’s and parliament’s eyes.”

The mechanism by which an MSP can rewrite history was introduced in the rewritable Parliamentary History code.

Last month Tricky Dicky Salmond rewrote the number of greengo jobs from the SNP fantasy 18,000 to the real reality 11,000.

Rewritable time and relative dimension in space (RETARDIS) spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy said anything he wanted to in the full knowledge that he can rewrite it later and claim he never said it in the first place.

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Filed under Culture, CyberNats, Environment

Scottish Independence: Value of Salmond to Yes campaign ‘becoming more erratic’

Ex-banker Wee Eck Salmond has contributed more to the Nationalist’s credibility in the past 15 years than the rest of the party combined since its inception. But it has come at a personal cost and is now on the wane according to a report by an influential think tank.

"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses." -  Friedrich Nietzsche.  There's plainly no sense amongst Salmond fans then.

“All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses.” – Friedrich Nietzsche. There’s plainly no sense amongst Salmond fans then.

By Naeluck Salmo

THE VALUE of Firstminster Salmond to Scotland’s referendum is becoming more erratic and difficult to predict according to a Quisling Unionist hate funded think tank.

The Glasgone-based Centre for Substanceless Assertions and Barefaced Lies said Salmond credibility forecasts had halved within the past 12 weeks.

Its report suggested Salmond’s current credibility position was better than the opposition as a whole, but this would be reversed as his barefaced lieing came under increasing scrutiny.

The Scottish government said his bluffing and bluster remained “oor only credible asset despite whit folk thinka Auld Nick Sturgeon.”

Salmond’s bluster has contributed up to five fifths of the SNP’s competency and credibility claims since gaining devolved power in 2007.

The study said a range of factors – from volte face principle reversals to willfully misleading the public – have added to the basic depletion of Salmond’s and the SNP’s credibility.

In February Firstminster Salmond set out his fantasy vision for Scotland to be the richest most influential country in the world ever, eclipsing even Ireland.

He appeared to think the public would believe that he could create an oil fund in a similar vein to Norway’s.

Apparently, more than half of Scotland is ‘still laughing’.

Report author, Jock McQuisling told the British Brainwashing Corporation’s Scottish lackeys: “There is a large and significant short term gap in the Firstminster’s credibility at the moment due to EU Pantsonfiregate and Accurateanswersgate which shows no signs of closing.

“Given recent intense scrutiny of other SNP fantasies this gap may rupture into a gulf from which the SNP and the Neverendum campaign will not recover.”

Firefighter, delusionist and real reality denier spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “When we got elected in 2007 and 2011 we thought we hud never hud it so good. Noo we’ve never hud it so bad.

“The Scottish public are a bunch o’ turncoat bams ye know.”

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Filed under Opinion, Referendum

A “free Scotland” is an insult to people who live and work there, Barretta

Despite claims by Nationalist types that Scotland is ‘colonised’ and full of English ‘settlers’, there is nothing in political law which prevents a bigoted politician from ceasing peddling such ‘chip on the shooder’ propagandist pish.

Moan McVulpine - servicing the Firstminster whenever he needs it.
By Moan McVulpineFollowing in the tradition of 1950s McCarthyism

SCOTLAND IS one of Europe’s oldest nations. For hundreds of years it opted to partner up with England and embark on a murdering worldwide conquest – calling it Empire.

Oor soldiers played a major role in looting almost a quarter of the globe in order that it could benefit corporation and UK government coffers.

Yet, last week in parliament, Tory Labourers and Tory Tories laughed at the idea of a bunch of parochial wee powermongers saying they wanted “independence within Europe.”

Nevermind that this principle means the Nationalists would rather be subjugated by politically unaccountable Brussels quangocrat rule than by democratically accountable UK rule.

They also seem to believe that Nationalist types are stupid – not an unfair belief.

Last week Bullingdon Dave said no country can be forced to listen to SNP pish and be expected to take it seriously, which is quite right.

Moveover Darling, Cameron’s left hand Tory Labourer supporter agrees – the SNP do talk laughably fanciful pish.

But what of Presidenté Barretta, who seemed to suggest an independent Scotland would be treated like an indpendent country by the EU?

This perplexed many Salmond oriented experts, because they accept the hidden manifesto mantra of the SNP: “More Unionist than the Unionists”.

If Barretta was truly saying we were on our own, then it struck home just how BIG a responsibility that would be. The Nationalists always get the collywobbles when faced with real life responsibility.

But, Barretta has a past which means the McCarthyalpine Uber-Nationalist wing of intolerance, porridge testing and unmitigated smearing can come into play.

Barretta is a warmongering Blairite Portugese American poodle who would put oor great wee country doon in exchange fur a bowl o’ paella.

And that’s exactly whit he did when he said that entry into Europe for an independent Scotland would not be automatic. Basturt!

That one little letter scuppered, so easily, a whole edifice of SNP assertion and fantasy and displayed to the wider public just how shaky the foundations of Salmond’s vanity project actually is.

Independence could potentially be a great thing for Scotland. With Tricky Dicky Salmond in charge however, it’s going to be nothing other than a cringingly embarrassing flop.

So no change there then. Vive le spirit de 79!


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Filed under Diplomacy, Moan McVulpine, Opinion

Holyrood in Edinburgh most politically deprived area of Scotland

Scottish Index of Multiple Barefacedliardom analysis shows that 129 MSPs work in the most politically deprived area of Scotland

"What this country needs is more unemployed politicians." - Angela Davis. Here's to 2014 when we'll see this wish fulfilled.

“What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.” – Angela Davis. Here’s to 2014 when we’ll see this wish fulfilled.

By Barrosofazed Lyre

THE MOST politically deprived area in Scotland in 2012 was Holyrood in Edinburgh, according to the Scottish public’s forensic analysis.

SNP, Labour, Tory and the other non-entities were all included in the analysis of the most vacuous and emptily deprived political spaces in the country.

The least deprived area was identified as a cupboard under the stairs in Bath.

The deprivation rankings are based on factors such as honesty, accountability, EU policy, effectiveness and outcomes.

The Scottish Index of Multiple Barefacedliardom analysis showed that all 129 Hollyrood MSPs were found ‘wanting’.

However, not one of these individuals was classed as at all useful, as the data identifies both actions and abilities.

Following publication of the figures, Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon said: “This is all the fault of the Tories in Westminster, their Lib-Bent coalition partners, the Scottish Labouring party, the Greengoes and anyone else apart from the SNP.

“Tricky Dicky Salmond has nothing to do with this and I am prepared to report his innocence under the conditions set out in the Rewritable Ministerial Code.

“Since 2007 the SNP have had an easy ride from the media and the mostly supine and ossified Scottish public.

“Unfortunately we have been found out on too many occasions and have unwittingly summoned the forces of scrutiny to cast their eyes on the substanceless assertions we are peddling.”

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Filed under Culture, Election, Media

People feel older under SNP government

Doing things differently, being progressed and being bombarded with the most accurate answers ever given in parliament, has resulted in the Scottish population feeling twice as old as they actually are.

"This change to the parliamentary record is as accurate a lie as anyone has ever given to parliament" laughed Swindley as he helped stick the knife in Rust-ell's and Tricky Dicky Salmond's back.

The SNP react to the news that Labour supporters die every day.

By Dec Repitt

SCOTTISH CITIZENS feel older than any population in the world, last year’s census results reveal.

And it’s all thanks to the SNP government who have made the past 5 years feel like 500.

The survey showed people over the age of 30 now feel they are at least 60 years old thanks to having to listen to Wee Eck’s inclusive chuckle.

That compares to 40 and 50 year olds who are demonstrating symptoms similar to senility, alzheimers, frailty and passive inactivity.

The prospect of a Neverendum timebomb emerged as political pundits began sinking their ‘bookie’ money into a humiliating result for Tricky Dicky Salmond in the Autumn of 2014.

Acting Registrar Major Audrey Robberson said: “The symptoms are mostly due to the monotonous drone emanating from Whollyrude that Westminster is bad SNP good.

“You might have initially agreed with it, but after a while it becomes boring and then its relentlessness starts making you feel terminally old.”

The census also showed that since 2007 in Scotland there are nearly eight times as many people now feeling over the age of 80.

Decrepit decaying venerable antiquated SNP spokesperson Wee Naebudy said: “We hope to have bored the age groups most likely to vote No to death by 2014.

“Like everything we do, it’s a bit desperate and made up on the hoof, but hey when you’re stuck in a corner with nowhere to run, you have to do something.”

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Filed under Children, Culture, Morality

Fairy tales have their place in European discourse too – Sturgeon

AhDinnaeKen presents the made up on the hoof transcript of Firstminster Salmond’s political patsy and damage taker for his wounded integrity and career – Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon.

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The SN

“Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.” – Helen Keller. Here’s to the next two years of exposure of SNP substanceless assertion.


SCOTLAND HAS been ill at ease with itself since the dawn of time.

That simple truth, perhaps more than any other, undermines the recent ludicrous assertions made by me and my party in relation to the Big European Quangocracy.

For centuries Scots have beaten the living daylights out of each other, only ever proving unitable in the face of Tory provocation from doon there in Engerland.

Why on Earth should we wrest ourselves free fae they basturt English only to surrender all our political freedom to the faceless and chinless gravy train Eurocrats?

Our worst asset as a nation always has been and always will be those people prepared to vote Labour or anything other than the SNP.

And it is stretching credibility beyond breaking point to suggest, as some do, that my career has not been severely damaged covering up for Tricky Dicky Salmond and his dishonest conduct.

The Scottish National Party has around 90% of the UK’s out and out liars, unable to tell the truth over political basics such as SNP policy and petty little tweets.

Would the cities of Scotland really want to trust such exposed peddlers of untruths, obfuscations and outright deceptions?

Would anyone be prepared to believe a word we had to say on anything after the embarrassing events of the past 6-8 weeks?

These are just a few of the many examples why the Just say Yes (please) campaign is floundering in a morass of mediocrity and empty assertion.

And there is precedent which shows that, when barefaced lieing assertions are to be made, I am up there with Tricky Dicky Salmond.

Indeed, that is why I am known as Deputy Miss Leader.

Tartan Tories
Realpolitik is a German concept and it found perhaps one of its greatest modern expressions in this country in 1979.

When the Labour government fell to the forces of harsh right wing Thatcherism, who proved to be a decisive force in that fall?

That’s right, the SNP did – one wee whiff of power and we proved how trustable we are to the Scottish electorate.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Overnight the SNP truly earned the moniker ‘Tartan Tories’.

Now is the bit in this droning sanctimonious monologue where I blame the Tories for everything that’s ever gone wrong in Scotland since Saint Robert De Bruce murdered the Leader of the Liberal Democrats in a church.

We know that we can base our currency on chocolate coins and they will be welcome everywhere throughout the world.

Why wouldn’t they be? Are you seriously trying to tell me that our chocolate coins would be ignored considering we are rich in fish, oil and fat jowly windbags?

The opinion of covert Tory and European Quangocracy Presidenté Barroso is important and that’s why we roundly ignore it and calm our supporters by telling them that Barroso is talkin’ pish.

I have asked Mr Barroso for an important meeting, apparently the basturt is still laughing.

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Filed under Diplomacy, Lies, Newspeak

Cybernat White Noise #3 The unaccountably false assertions of SNP MSP Christina McKelvie

AhDinnaeKen receives an eye opening lesson that it’s not only Cybernats who make wild and risible assertions without evidence. Witness our Twitter conversation with Christine McKelvie, MSP for the constituency of Hamilton.

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in SNP campaigning, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” ― Dr. Seuss. Looks like Christina’s got the Nationalist agenda by the short and curlies then.

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in SNP campaigning, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” ― Dr. Seuss. Looks like Christina’s got the Nationalist agenda by the short and curlies then.

By Ergasiophobe

JUST A quick wee bloga/boreathon to highlight on a micro-scale the substanceless assertions and hypocrisy the SNP think they can casually get away with.

In this instance we have Christina McKelvie MSP who represents the people of the allegedly “iconic seat” of Hamilton.

The original Fairy Godmother of the SNP electability and protest vote, Winifred Ewing, was elected here in 1967 making it a Nationalist spiritual fantasy homeland.

It is AhDinnaeKen’s view, in line with predicated SNP mythology, that any SNP politician elected for this seat – even if  only for the Big Parish Cooncil at Hollyrood – has to be a totem of SNP ideals.

Sadly, Christina McKelvie MSP falls short on the most basic of fronts – one of them being democratic accountability.

The Tweets highlighted on this page, while minor and petty in the grander scale of things, represent two important principles by which SNP politicians can be judged.

Consider the first Tweet here:

Christina 00
The link provided by Ergasiophobe takes Christina to AdDinnaeKen’s Open Letter to Roseanna Cunningham written earlier this year.

Now, consider this:

Christina 01 01
AhDinnaeKen concedes that retweeting of another individual’s Tweets does not necessarily mean endorsement.

However, it ill behoves any Scottish politician willing to be seen retweeting the writings hosted by “Ultimate Cybernat” site Wings Over Scotland. The original piece is actually hosted on Eric ‘Heidsinker’ Joyce’s website.

Why the retweet of Wings if it isn’t an endorsement? Why not provide the link to the original site?

To AhDinnaeKen it reeks of desperation incarnate. Eric Joyce is a thoroughly discredited and disgraceful expenses freeloader masquerading as an MP – she’ll be retweeting MSP Bill Walker’s writings on domestic harmony policy next, presumably also hosted by Wings.

Onyhoo. The next Tweet provides AhDinnaeKen’s bone of contention with the elected and allegedly accountable to the electorate MSP, Christina McKelvie:

Christina 01 01 01
Did you see that? Not only is Christina relying on the tedious Firstminster style Tu Quoque (you an’ aw) fallacy as a defense/attack strategy, she is also asserting that there are “hate filled” tweets to be found on the Ergasiophobe timeline.

AhDinnaeKen challenged/challenges Christina, or anyone else for that matter, to find a “hate filled” tweet on the whole timeline.

Christina 02
We* accept that our* blogs are “hate blinded idiocy” but, to all but the most tedious, cretinous or oxy-moronic Nationalist oriented type, there is an obvious deprecating irony to be detected here.

As for Christina, after her last tweet using an evasive ad hominem attack re the #boring hashtag, she decided to take the time to block Ergasiophobe.

After all, providing evidence for her outrageous unsubstantiated attack was obviously too much for her – just like many of her SNP compatriots at Hollyrude when conducting themselves in day to day parliamentary business.

I suppose that’s what’s called closing down the debate. AhDinnaeKen voted for Christina at the last Scottish elections in May 2011.

Christina is paid £53,091 per annum not including expenses and a variety of other allowances in order to be accountable to the electorate ie. the people who actually put her where she is now.

Yet, after having accused one of her constituents of a “hate filled” timeline, she can’t even produce a single alleged Tweet because it’s #boring. Not #boring enough to be asserted mind you, but #boring enough to remain unsubstantiated despite a reasonable request.

At best such behaviour is unbecoming, at worst it’s a fraudulent liberty taking exercise in conflict with the Code of Conduct for MSPs:

Christina 04

The following is taken from the Scottish Parliament website and covers the code of conduct by which MSPs are expected to conduct themselves.

Accountability and openness

3.1.9 Members are accountable for their decisions and actions to the Scottish people. They should consider issues on their merits, taking account of the views of others.

3.1.10 Members should be as open as possible about their decisions and actions.

Christina took the decision to retweet Wings Over Scotland and put that decision into action. She then partially took into account the view of Ergasiophobe until she decided she should take the action of impugning him as “hate filled” and ‘#boring.

Rather than provide evidence to back up her unjustified accusation she then chose to block Ergasiophobe.

The Longershanker account was then used to ask MSP Christina why she had blocked Ergasiophobe.

Do you think the Longershanker tweet was replied to? Do you think Christina McKelvie MSP acted in an accountable manner as per the MSPs Code of Conduct? Answers on a SNP Freedom of Information request form please.


Filed under Children, CyberNats, Morality, Opinion, Wangs Watch

SNP fail to organise piss up in brewery

Everyone in the world and the universe but the SNP are proven wrong as Little Miss Leader Sturgeon says you don’t need alcohol for a piss up in a brewery. Cybernats hail victory over everyone else’s fanatical Unionist bias.

Anti-Scots SNP opponents gently pointed out that those big silver things in the foreground could help with the organising of a piss up in a European brewery.

Anti-Scots SNP opponents gently pointed out that those big silver things in the foreground could help with the organising of a piss up in a European brewery.

By Hauf Jaked

DEPUTY MISS Leader Sturgeon has proven the ‘outstanding’ competence of the SNP by telling everyone alcohol is not a requirement for a piss up in a brewery.

Speaking at the Whollyrude Fantasy Factory she also pointed out that Euro Quangocrat Jose Barettea “wiz wrang” and castigated him for his letter stating that “you need whores for an orgy in a brothel.”

She said: “The SNP have organised orgies in brothels without the need for whores or prostitutes – though admittedly – like today we made a hoor o’ a mess o’ that an’ aw.”

Deputy Miss Leader’s allies reinforced her competence stating that the Declaration of Contempt 2012 proved that you didn’t need “two tickets for a two ticket raffle”.

They cited Tricky Dicky Salmond’s expert Neverendum negotiations where he failed to get Pepsi-Max onto the ballot paper ensuring an end to his career in 2014.

Miss Leader’s allies said: “Bullingdon Dave categorically stated at the Tory conference in March that Salmo wiznae gettin’ another question on the referendum and he wiz proved right.

“Another victory for the negotiation skills of the SNP.”

Wading into the stushie, Parliamentary Sex Aide Moan McVulpine accused anti-Scots fffrreeedddooommm™ disbelievers of treason against the “SNP competency revolution”.

Referring to Mike Bernhard Rust-ell’s innumerate college budget figures she said: “We can run a bath, it’s running an education department that’s the tricky bit.

“This scenario proved that the SNP cannae run a bath, let alone a secret tape recorder.”

Commentators have agreed that this hasn’t been the SNP’s finest hour but fully expect the party to show they can manage their way out of a wet paper bag sometime in the new year.

No one is holding their breath.

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Filed under CyberNats, Media, Newspeak

Scottish politics: Unrealities still ‘substantial’, says Haudit Scotland

The inequalities between truth and reality are still as wide as they ever were thanks to substanceless SNP Euro assertions.

"When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract positive thinking." _ Tricky Dicky Salmond

“When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract positive thinking.” _ Tricky Dicky Salmond

By Phanta Sissts

MEIN SALMOND’S deputy blame taker Auld Nick Sturgeon is set to further damage her career defending the gulf between SNP reality and real reality according to a hard hitting Haudit Scotland report.

Reality watchdog Haudit Scotland said that despite improvements, differences between SNP reality and real reality were still substantial.

The report said strategies to tackle the problem had seen little impact.

The Scottish fantasist government said it was focussing on the underlying causes of being “found out” and “left looking inept”.

Opposition parties said people had a responsibility to understand real reality – but called on minsters to do more.

The Haudit Scotland report said overall real reality in Scotland had improved in the past five days, but there were still deep-seated inequalities, largely due to an entrenched government of SNP fantasists and truth evaders.

Men in the most reality deprived areas voted SNP more than those in the most reality affluent areas.

Women, the report said, were seven and a half times more likely to see through Salmond and the SNP on sight.

People in reality deprived areas were also more likely to use words such as “inclusive”, “progressive”, and phrases such as “Scottish values” and “we do things differently here”.

Haudit Scotland said it was unclear how much money the SNP government had wasted on promoting their fantasies, but it was clear that the Scottish public “wurnae buyin’ it.”

It also said:

  • Biased Unionist Mainstream Media Oppressors play a critical role in keeping SNP fantasies in check.
  • The distribution of SNP fantasy was based on falsehood. Barnum statements and substanceless assertion.
  • Nationalist strategies which aim to promote fantasy and increase reality inequalities have so far shown limited evidence of impact.
  • There is a lack of shared understanding about what is meant by SNP reality and substanceless assertions.

The Scottish fantasist govenment has now been urged to set national indicators to monitor how corrosive to political debate their fantasies and substanceless assertions really are.

Narcissistic bi-polar paranoid scizophrenic spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “Not only will Scotland join Europe at the head of the table, we will show America how military defence is done.

“It is the SNP who will set interest rates in the new independent Sterling zone in collusion with our Unionist buddies at Westminster.”

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Filed under Education, Fable, Morality

Microwaves to boost shelf life of SNP assertions

Scottish innovation and creativity set to assist Nationalists with their current substanceless assertion credibility gap.

Just pop your "exact answer" or substanceless assertion in for a couple of minutes and hey presto it's shelf life is increased 100 fold. Ptiy it won't last for two years.

Just pop your “exact answer” or substanceless assertion into the microwave for a couple of minutes and hey presto it’s shelf life is increased 100 fold. Pity it won’t last for two years.

By Naekred Ability

A NEW way of extending the shelf life of SNP assertions has been developed by Edinborrow scientists using microwave technology.

Researchers from Queen Anne University claimed that assertions such as those witnessed in John Swindley’s recent Lords committee appearance could be “sustained for more than a single second.”

The process has already allowed some SNP politicians to increase production of substanceless assertions.

The microwaves pasteurise the assertions by killing scepticism and scrutiny in the target audience allowing the lack of substance to last longer.

The  project was developed by Queen Anne University researchers in dodgyethics and substanceless assertion sciences along with cynical PR firm’s Advanced Bullshit Technologies Ltd (ABT).

It has been trialled on the Scottish public through media channels such as Newsnicht Skintland and Skintland Thenicht.

Exciting Deceptions

ABT’s Kevin Pringleheid said: “Our political business was fairly limited until we spotted the major flaw in SNP assertions.

“The majority of the SNP’s assertions lack substance or credibility and usually both. This technology, while not able to add substance or credibilty, will increase the shelf life of the assertions.

“It might not help the SNP over the European question – that credibility has disappeared – but it could assist with a nuclear free Scotland under the NATO umbrella and a seat at the Bank of England as equal partners in the sterling zone.”

Youan Crawford, bullshit development manager at Queen Anne University, said: “This has been an illuminating collaboration with ABT.

“Following successful results from their parliamentary trials, politicians are now accepting that the ABT machine could be a game-changing piece of technology with politicians transforming their substanceless assertions and reaping the rewards.”

Cynics such as Tory Labour MSP Jaquie Motteandbailey said: “It’s true that this technology helped extend the Firstminster’s substanceless assertion that he had given parliament ‘as exact an answer as anyone has ever given to parliament’.

“But he still had to come back hours later because what shouldn’t have sustained for a single second was still ultimately found out for its lack of substance.”

SNP minsters pants have been spontaneously catching fire since they began using the ABT technology in May 2011.

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Filed under Law, Morality, Newspeak