Monthly Archives: December 2012

SNP timebomb set to explode

Disparate Scottish Nationalist ‘all things to all people’ Party set to implode in vacuum of accusation, blame and counter accusation. Deep fried Mars Bars and Irn Bru sales at all time high to watch the ensuing tragi/comedy.

“Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it.” ― Stephen Vizinczey. Weel din Stephen Noon on your Post-grad in constitutional stupidity at Edinborrow University.

“Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it.” ― Stephen Vizinczey. Weel din Stephen Noon on your Post-grad in constitutional stupidity at Edinborrow University.

By High Noon
FORMER MILITANT SNP windae brekker, Dim Sillars, has dismissed as ‘stupid’ everything the Scottish Nationalist Party has ever said or done since its 2007 election victory.

In a hauf-bricked attack on Steffan-High Noon, the Nationalist party’s chief tic-tac-tician, Mr Sillar’s questioned the need of a united ‘national front’ as a pretext for a successful Neverendum vote.

He said: “There is only one party we fundamentalist Nationalists hate more than Labour, and that’s the Salmond led gradualist Nationalists.

Without irony or tongue in cheek, Mr Sillars accused the ‘gradualists’ of being ‘splitters’ who “were damaging the Nationalist cause”.

He further accused the ‘gradualists’ of trying to soothe the ‘feartie 90 minute patriot’ Scots electorate by kidding on that they would go away and leave everyone alone should the fantasy of a Yes vote be achieved.

But firebrand curmudgeon wifey of Sillars and chief Margaret Thatcher supporter, Margo MacDonut, was in no mood for compromise.

She attacked Mr Noon as an embarrassment with no sense of rhythm or timing who was trying to lead everyone on a “not very merry dance”.

She said: “His timing is stupid. His beliefs are stupid. His strategy is stupid.

“The only thing more stupid than his belief the Nationalists will go away after independence is my belief that this attack will do anything other than sow the seeds of fractiousness, infighting and embarrassing external division.

“Now that’s what I call STUPID.”

Sophist and obfuscating apologist fantasist spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “Margo and the electorate will be able to take solace from the knowledge that we are not going to disband or fade away after the Neverendum.

“No, we will merely split and unravel – a process which she seems most keen to help us with.

“Now that’s what I call TIMING.”

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Most Whollyrude inmates ‘have poor political reading skills’

New information request reveals that Scottish Parliamentarians could all do with a copy of ‘Political Literacy for Dummies’ in their new year reading list.

Joseph Brodsky“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.” ― Joseph Brodsky.  Another is taking MSPs at face value.

“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.” ― Joseph Brodsky. Another is taking MSPs at face value.

By Kanny Reid

ABOUT 80 per cent of MSPs are politically illiterate, according to figures accidentally released by a big boy who promptly ran away.

The information was obtained from a Scottish Public Opinion (SPO) request after an exposé by a Tory Tory.

The Tory Tories have called for all MSPs to be given something constructive to do beyond rubber stamping Commisar Salmond diktats and blocking impertinent democratic questions on Twitter.

The SPO said it had introduced a more robust method of measuring political literacy levels among MSPs.

The newly released figures also suggested that about seven-in-ten Nationalist politicians have problems with basic assertions – many have still to grasp that assertions need both substance and evidence to be credible.

It has been suggested that Nationalist MSPs might never grasp the concept of ‘scrutiny’.

A previous estimate made by the SPO in 2007 put political illiteracy levels at 50%.

The official response from the SPO to the Tory Tories said that: “approximately 81% of Whollyrude politicians were assessed as lacking functional political skills with at least one having no understanding of the meaning of ‘accurate’ answers whatsoever.”

Scottish Tory Tory leader Truth Davidson said: “These findings acutely expose what every layman in Scotland already knows, Scottish parliamentarians are politically illiterate numpties.

“That severely hampers their chances of every being taken seriously by anyone in the real world outside of Whollyrude ever.”

Ms Davidson added: “They are gaining nothing from pretending to know what they are doing when they could actually be learning to read the writing which has been on the Neverendum wall for some time now.”

The SPO stressed that despite a small flurry of hope and optimism in 1999, Scottish politicians have shown themselves to be, at their absolute best, no better than their crooked Westminster counterparts.

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Correction rules to be ‘corrected’ for SNP MSPs

Past five years of SNP record can now be officially ‘corrected’ in the Whollyrude correction centre.

“That's how it is with SNP manifesto pledges. The greater they sound, the more must've got left out.” ― Every Scotsman.

“That’s how it is with SNP manifesto pledges. The greater they sound, the more must’ve got left out.” ― Every Scotsman. Now the SNP can get it wrong till they get it right thanks to the rewrtiable parliamentary code.

By Obfew Skate

CHANGES HAVE been made to the procedure used by MSPs to correct inaccurate assertions made by the SNP.

A section of the Big Cooncil’s business bulletin outlines procedures to rewrite history in a manner acceptable to the ‘indy minded’ public.

Whollyrude’s barefaced lies and obfuscation committee hopes the move will make cover ups, denials and untruths less likely to be exposed.

The changes followed an incident where Tricky Dicky Salmond was caught red handed fiddling the figures on Scottish greengo jobs.

The updated guidance to SNP MSPs also makes it clear the specific reasons why the Presiding Officer is a SNP MSP – she will assist with any clandestine action in order to smooth the path for the Neverendum.

Members of the barefaced lies and obfuscation committee also made it clear the specific steps which are required in order to mislead the public and parliament.

Committee convener Dave Ceep- Lieingson said they had “taken the opportunity to rewrite history whenever some or other substanceless assertion got found out.

He added: “Taken together, we know these changes will help pull the wool over the electorate’s and parliament’s eyes.”

The mechanism by which an MSP can rewrite history was introduced in the rewritable Parliamentary History code.

Last month Tricky Dicky Salmond rewrote the number of greengo jobs from the SNP fantasy 18,000 to the real reality 11,000.

Rewritable time and relative dimension in space (RETARDIS) spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy said anything he wanted to in the full knowledge that he can rewrite it later and claim he never said it in the first place.

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Scottish Independence: Value of Salmond to Yes campaign ‘becoming more erratic’

Ex-banker Wee Eck Salmond has contributed more to the Nationalist’s credibility in the past 15 years than the rest of the party combined since its inception. But it has come at a personal cost and is now on the wane according to a report by an influential think tank.

"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses." -  Friedrich Nietzsche.  There's plainly no sense amongst Salmond fans then.

“All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses.” – Friedrich Nietzsche. There’s plainly no sense amongst Salmond fans then.

By Naeluck Salmo

THE VALUE of Firstminster Salmond to Scotland’s referendum is becoming more erratic and difficult to predict according to a Quisling Unionist hate funded think tank.

The Glasgone-based Centre for Substanceless Assertions and Barefaced Lies said Salmond credibility forecasts had halved within the past 12 weeks.

Its report suggested Salmond’s current credibility position was better than the opposition as a whole, but this would be reversed as his barefaced lieing came under increasing scrutiny.

The Scottish government said his bluffing and bluster remained “oor only credible asset despite whit folk thinka Auld Nick Sturgeon.”

Salmond’s bluster has contributed up to five fifths of the SNP’s competency and credibility claims since gaining devolved power in 2007.

The study said a range of factors – from volte face principle reversals to willfully misleading the public – have added to the basic depletion of Salmond’s and the SNP’s credibility.

In February Firstminster Salmond set out his fantasy vision for Scotland to be the richest most influential country in the world ever, eclipsing even Ireland.

He appeared to think the public would believe that he could create an oil fund in a similar vein to Norway’s.

Apparently, more than half of Scotland is ‘still laughing’.

Report author, Jock McQuisling told the British Brainwashing Corporation’s Scottish lackeys: “There is a large and significant short term gap in the Firstminster’s credibility at the moment due to EU Pantsonfiregate and Accurateanswersgate which shows no signs of closing.

“Given recent intense scrutiny of other SNP fantasies this gap may rupture into a gulf from which the SNP and the Neverendum campaign will not recover.”

Firefighter, delusionist and real reality denier spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “When we got elected in 2007 and 2011 we thought we hud never hud it so good. Noo we’ve never hud it so bad.

“The Scottish public are a bunch o’ turncoat bams ye know.”

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A “free Scotland” is an insult to people who live and work there, Barretta

Despite claims by Nationalist types that Scotland is ‘colonised’ and full of English ‘settlers’, there is nothing in political law which prevents a bigoted politician from ceasing peddling such ‘chip on the shooder’ propagandist pish.

Moan McVulpine - servicing the Firstminster whenever he needs it.
By Moan McVulpineFollowing in the tradition of 1950s McCarthyism

SCOTLAND IS one of Europe’s oldest nations. For hundreds of years it opted to partner up with England and embark on a murdering worldwide conquest – calling it Empire.

Oor soldiers played a major role in looting almost a quarter of the globe in order that it could benefit corporation and UK government coffers.

Yet, last week in parliament, Tory Labourers and Tory Tories laughed at the idea of a bunch of parochial wee powermongers saying they wanted “independence within Europe.”

Nevermind that this principle means the Nationalists would rather be subjugated by politically unaccountable Brussels quangocrat rule than by democratically accountable UK rule.

They also seem to believe that Nationalist types are stupid – not an unfair belief.

Last week Bullingdon Dave said no country can be forced to listen to SNP pish and be expected to take it seriously, which is quite right.

Moveover Darling, Cameron’s left hand Tory Labourer supporter agrees – the SNP do talk laughably fanciful pish.

But what of Presidenté Barretta, who seemed to suggest an independent Scotland would be treated like an indpendent country by the EU?

This perplexed many Salmond oriented experts, because they accept the hidden manifesto mantra of the SNP: “More Unionist than the Unionists”.

If Barretta was truly saying we were on our own, then it struck home just how BIG a responsibility that would be. The Nationalists always get the collywobbles when faced with real life responsibility.

But, Barretta has a past which means the McCarthyalpine Uber-Nationalist wing of intolerance, porridge testing and unmitigated smearing can come into play.

Barretta is a warmongering Blairite Portugese American poodle who would put oor great wee country doon in exchange fur a bowl o’ paella.

And that’s exactly whit he did when he said that entry into Europe for an independent Scotland would not be automatic. Basturt!

That one little letter scuppered, so easily, a whole edifice of SNP assertion and fantasy and displayed to the wider public just how shaky the foundations of Salmond’s vanity project actually is.

Independence could potentially be a great thing for Scotland. With Tricky Dicky Salmond in charge however, it’s going to be nothing other than a cringingly embarrassing flop.

So no change there then. Vive le spirit de 79!

COMEDY RELIEF

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Holyrood in Edinburgh most politically deprived area of Scotland

Scottish Index of Multiple Barefacedliardom analysis shows that 129 MSPs work in the most politically deprived area of Scotland

"What this country needs is more unemployed politicians." - Angela Davis. Here's to 2014 when we'll see this wish fulfilled.

“What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.” – Angela Davis. Here’s to 2014 when we’ll see this wish fulfilled.

By Barrosofazed Lyre

THE MOST politically deprived area in Scotland in 2012 was Holyrood in Edinburgh, according to the Scottish public’s forensic analysis.

SNP, Labour, Tory and the other non-entities were all included in the analysis of the most vacuous and emptily deprived political spaces in the country.

The least deprived area was identified as a cupboard under the stairs in Bath.

The deprivation rankings are based on factors such as honesty, accountability, EU policy, effectiveness and outcomes.

The Scottish Index of Multiple Barefacedliardom analysis showed that all 129 Hollyrood MSPs were found ‘wanting’.

However, not one of these individuals was classed as at all useful, as the data identifies both actions and abilities.

Following publication of the figures, Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon said: “This is all the fault of the Tories in Westminster, their Lib-Bent coalition partners, the Scottish Labouring party, the Greengoes and anyone else apart from the SNP.

“Tricky Dicky Salmond has nothing to do with this and I am prepared to report his innocence under the conditions set out in the Rewritable Ministerial Code.

“Since 2007 the SNP have had an easy ride from the media and the mostly supine and ossified Scottish public.

“Unfortunately we have been found out on too many occasions and have unwittingly summoned the forces of scrutiny to cast their eyes on the substanceless assertions we are peddling.”

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People feel older under SNP government

Doing things differently, being progressed and being bombarded with the most accurate answers ever given in parliament, has resulted in the Scottish population feeling twice as old as they actually are.

"This change to the parliamentary record is as accurate a lie as anyone has ever given to parliament" laughed Swindley as he helped stick the knife in Rust-ell's and Tricky Dicky Salmond's back.

The SNP react to the news that Labour supporters die every day.

By Dec Repitt

SCOTTISH CITIZENS feel older than any population in the world, last year’s census results reveal.

And it’s all thanks to the SNP government who have made the past 5 years feel like 500.

The survey showed people over the age of 30 now feel they are at least 60 years old thanks to having to listen to Wee Eck’s inclusive chuckle.

That compares to 40 and 50 year olds who are demonstrating symptoms similar to senility, alzheimers, frailty and passive inactivity.

The prospect of a Neverendum timebomb emerged as political pundits began sinking their ‘bookie’ money into a humiliating result for Tricky Dicky Salmond in the Autumn of 2014.

Acting Registrar Major Audrey Robberson said: “The symptoms are mostly due to the monotonous drone emanating from Whollyrude that Westminster is bad SNP good.

“You might have initially agreed with it, but after a while it becomes boring and then its relentlessness starts making you feel terminally old.”

The census also showed that since 2007 in Scotland there are nearly eight times as many people now feeling over the age of 80.

Decrepit decaying venerable antiquated SNP spokesperson Wee Naebudy said: “We hope to have bored the age groups most likely to vote No to death by 2014.

“Like everything we do, it’s a bit desperate and made up on the hoof, but hey when you’re stuck in a corner with nowhere to run, you have to do something.”

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