Sturgeon vows SNP will be more anti-semitic

SNP will adopt an anti-trade union, anti-semitic stance which is Stronger for Scotland.

By Ester Mination – ethno purity and final solutions correspondent

NICOLA STURGEON has been urged to investigate claims that SNP members aren’t officially anti-semitic enough in their attacks on English trade unionists.

The ethno-Nationalist “Groin Beater” blog, in a flaccid attack on last week’s Glasgow public sector strike, claimed that there was no place for Jews, English people and trade unionists in a brave new independent Scotland.

The author has denied claims of having any meaningful intelligence.

The blog also criticised Labour candidate Valkyrie Wolfson for being young, attractive, a woman, politically active and Jewish.

But most of all it attacked her for being an English Jewish Trade Unionist woman.

“Hitler didn’t show us the way to deal with Trade Unions and then expect us to turn a blind eye in the name of civic Nationalism.” frothed Mr Groin Beater.

“Unions are fascism’s Public Enemy Number 1. And the sooner Nicola and the independence movement embrace that fact, the sooner we can purge oor great wee nation of all of the trade unions and trouble makers – particularly the female Jewish Labour ones.” he added.

Ms Sturgeon is said to be privately disgusted that more of her MPs, MSPs, coonsellors and officials hadn’t actively promoted Mr Groin Beater’s blog:

“We’ll take no lessons from Labour about which party can be the most anti-semitic,” she growled.

“We’ve goat oor ain wee Justiceminster to prove it. And ye want to hear him when he gets stertet.”

Ms Wolfson was last seen being escorted by Gestapo Police Scotland to the notorious re-education camp, Scotlinka, in Rutherglen.

Mr Groin Beater is 45, a virgin and still lives with his mum who affectionately refers to him as “Mussolini”.

I can’t believe it’s not “Utter” is getting a new cliche thanks to Humza

“It’s utterly appalling the utter crap the media will dredge up about my utter reliance on utter” uttered Mr Yousaf yesterday.

By Utter Stutter – linguistics and lexiphanic cliche analyst

THE SCOTTISH Parliament’s Justiceminster, Mr Humza Yousaf, angrily attacked “utter media hypocrisy” yesterday in a dispute over cliches which arose after the publishing of a letter in the Dundee Courier.

Letter writer, Jukov Sutherland, had reported that Mr Yousaf’s general utterances were littered with intellectually vacuous statements prefixed by the cliched use of “utter” or “utterly”.

Humza utterly denied this, claiming that it was utterly despicable to pick on his use of utter because, as Justiceminster for the people of his community, he was utterly committed to its everyday use on their behalf.

He said: “I utterly refute this claim.

“It is utterly insulting to my name and displays an utter lack of respect to me, my friends, my family, my pets, my Panini football sticker collection, my community, my politics, my beliefs, my party, my country and anything else which has anything utterly to do with me.

“I will be writing to the leader of the mainstream media party and will make it utterly clear how utterly appalling this insult is coming from an utter bunch of utter nutters.

“I will be expecting several utter resignations following my writing of an utterly outraged letter.

“As Justiceminster for Transport, or something, I utterly condemn this utterly heartbreaking recognition of my utter commitment to vacuous intellectually challenged utter cliches.”

The SNP however utterly backed their Justiceminster’s human right to rely on tediously repetitive cliches:

“Look, we’ve utterly relied on the use of grievance cliches to get where we are today. It’s an utter success story that our utterances even get listened to never mind believed.

“Leave the boy alone, it’s an utter improbability that he’ll get found out any time soon.”

Twitter to be purged of Anti-Scots accounts

FOR TOO long Twitter has been a platform for free expression. This has to stop. Some people might not agree with independence and this has been found to be offensive to true Scots – a beacon for independence thought and humanity. AhDinnaeKen investigates Alyn Smith MEP’s crusade against the forces of independence darkness:

I haff a list of all Anti-Scots Twitter accounts  by geo-location and they can expect a night time visit if they do not desist from their Anti-Scots behaviour said the Europrat (above) yesterday.

By Paw Grom – freedom of speech and politically motivated hostilities detective

TWITTER USERS in Scotland are a “clear target” for fundraising mendicants operated by hostile assimilated Englishmen, a report commissioned by an SNP Europrat has found.

The report estimated that somewhere between 98% and 100% of assimilated English Twitter activity is “positively malign”.

Most of this potentially faux activity centres around independence and the need to raise money to sue women for freely expressed newspaper comments.

But despite this, the report said Scotland’s social media usage remains “largely repetitive”.

The report was carried out by Cosmopolitan Speech Inspector turned investigative censor and author JJ Goebbels.

A new website was also launched to assist ‘verified’ Scots Twitter users to ‘report’ and ‘out’ Anti-Scots Twitter abusers.

What were the conclusions of the investigation?

The report points the finger at those hostile to the Scottish Nationalist Party (SNP).

They are invariably classified as “state hostile yoons and non-state hostile yoons”.

Scotland is a clear target for “Yoons” due to the embedding of the only party which claims to be “Stronger for Scotland” – the SNP.

The report concluded: “Scottish Twitter and Scotland in general does have a problem with ‘Yoons’, both malign and hateful, and the scale of the problem is quantifiable – 55% at the last referendum in 2014.

“This does have some impact on Scottish public discourse and there is too much influence exerted both on and off social media.

“However, Scotland remains largely positive that the Anti-Scots Yoons can be sent back to where they belong – England.”

What will be done about the problem?

The report says “simple changes” can make Twitter a no go zone for Yoons in Scotland and around the world.

These changes will include:

• Twitter to identify and shut down Yoon accounts. Any profile which displays a Union flag or a ‘Yawn’ badge will be suspended indefinitely and their operators will forfeit 45% of their material goods.
• Verification of Scots identity via geo-location into three categories: True Scots, Non-Scots and Anti-Scots.
• Geo-blocking of any and all accounts which do not promote the official “Stronger for Scotland” philosophy of ‘Independence at all costs’.

The report states: “The presence of malign Yoons on the platform will continue as long as social media permits freedom of expression.

“This does impact on public discourse and even influences voting behaviour.

“Independence minded politicians need to lead the debate to discover final solutions, because the question is no longer if Yoons are for real but whether they should be allowed to freely express their reprehensible ideas.”

What has Alyn Smith said about the report?

Mr Smith said there had been moments where his sanctimonious expostulations had not rung true such as his claim to be ‘hard working’ at the European Parliament.

He explained: “Hardly anyone has heard of me and I need to appear relevant.

“I’ve received dozens of Tweets asking who I am and my retort of “ask Nicola” is mostly ignored.

“I do not have enough relevance or points of substance to make, to have an impact politically so, jumping on a conspiracy theory bandwagon with a smidgeon of substance seems the most likely direction to take in order to get a modicum of victimhood attention.”

The Europrat added: “We have to be honest too. By shutting down the Yoons, we can get over the hurdle of currency, EU membership and post independence austerity.

“The hateful Yoons don’t believe us when we say everything will work out fine.

“We’ll never change their minds, so this gives us the chance to shut them up instead.

“Or, at least, that’s what Alex Salmond told me.”

Tribute to a great wee guy

THE PREMATURE death of a pet is a shock. I finished work today at 5pm and found out my wee cheeky cheety kat, Thomas, was deid. Gone forever. AhDinnaeKen gets maudlin and sentimental and chokes back the tears:

Such a braw boy. I can’t believe he’s gone.

By Longshanker aka @ergasiophobe

THIS IS my tribute to my wee pal.

He was a runt. A wee bugger. A prolific bird killer – a behaviour which witnessed me close to strangling him umpteen times. But I loved him nevertheless.

And he’s dead now. Killed by who knows what or whom. Two years old. Barely out of kittenhood.

Affectionate, lovable, friendly and always amusing: particularly when I buzzed him with my mini drone and he whacked the life out of it and continued to hunt it forever after.

He never failed to greet me when I got in from work, climbing on top of the bonnet and windscreen to say hello. Eagerly following me into the house because he knew he’d be fed straight away. Cats are like that. I know.

He always joined us at night on the bed and slept the night through: But never failed to ask to get outside as soon as you got up – even if it was only for a pee at 4am in the morning.

Good natured and always up for a cuddle – he particularly liked his whole head being held in the palm of your hand while you rubbed his ears in a circular motion with your fingers- he was just a great wee guy.

He was a wee honey and I still can’t believe he’s gone.

Take care Thomas, you’ll have a place in my heart forever.

Regards.

Longshanker.

Winter deaths up thanks to us claim SNP

IT’S LONG been known that the largest single block of No voters in the 2014 independence referendum were old, decrepit, closed minded, worthless “Yoons”. The SNP’s plan to deal with the “problem” has been hailed as a huge success by the “Indy minded” throughout the Nation. AhDinnaeKen reports:

“There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent time at an SNP conference?” asked Jeanne Freeman yesterday.

By Furr Cough –health, age and psephology correspondent

“WINTER” DEATHS in Scotland reached their highest levels since devolution began, it was confirmed by the SNP today.

More than 23,000 oldies died as a result of SNP policies, leaflets, conferences, party political broadcasts and incessantly dull rhetoric that “indy is the only salvation”, according to the Department for Nationalist Statistics.

Virulent strains of Nationalist pish have been directly attributed to the encouraging rise in the number of fatalities.

Last winter the number of Nationalist pish related deaths trebled to just under 21,000.

Ms Yoon Hater, Chief Executive of Victory Through Fatality, said the long term trend should result in fewer available oldies and therefore less No voters to thwart any future Independence referendum plans.

And she added: “The average winter death value for the last eighteen years has been rising but ramped up exponentially in the last four (2014) as we became fully aware of who the true enemies of Scotland really were and whom we should indiscriminately target.”

The underlying causes of most of the additional deaths include boredom, lethargy, tediousness and monotony, all symptoms directly attributable to the SNP’s indy message and strategy.

Jeanne Freeman, Queen Quangocrat and something to do with health (this week), said:

“There is no doubt that we more than doubled our efforts into boring the oldies to death.

“These fantastic figures prove, if nothing else, that we’re getting something right.”

Nicola Sturgeon added: “This increase in fatalities should be seen as a beacon of our ‘progressive’ values.”

Nicola’s supersized beacon sandwich

“We have no hope of winning independence just now” said Nicola to conference, “so tell the zoomers to tone it down a bit eh!”

By Yewvbin Telt – First Minister speech analyst and biographer

NICOLA STURGEON has called for “beacons and belief” from fellow Nationalists in her SNP conference “speech devoid of hope”

The First Minister said she was “more confident than ever” that she wouldn’t be calling an independence referendum while she remained in power.

She added that members must “wait like kids wait for Santa” and work to win over the rest of the party into doing nothing, just like her.

Ms Sturgeon also announced new policies on evading the subject of independence, not listening to activists, and ignoring inconvenient democratic votes.

The first minister was in fast spin mode on the final day of the SNP’s three-day conference of #HopeNoIndyHappensHere2018.

She used her speech to hit out at “indy believers” and “AOUB” for reminding people that she was doing “hee haw bugger aw” for the “cause”.

The SNP leader kicked off the conference by announcing that there was no “hope” for an Independence referendum before 2021.

But she offered “hope” for those interested in “beacons” when she described Scotland as “a beacon of progressive values.

“We have lit so many “progressive” beacons for the world that we can afford to make beacon sandwiches for the planet.

“We will be a beacon for beacon sandwiches.”

She admitted that people demanding Independence were a “serious problem” for her party and she would do more to get rid of them.

“Ask Alex Salmond what happens.” she half joked.

Mike Russell: Scotland must look at ways to be democratic without consulting the people

By Otto Krat – anti-democratic mandates correspondent

SCOTLAND MUST look at more imaginative ways of ignoring demcoratic mandates demanded Mike Russell yesterday.

The Scottish Government’s Grievance Secretary warned against “believing in the sovereign will of the people” because doing so would only return a repeat result of the referendums of 2014 and 2016.

Holyrood currently has no power to undermine democratic accountability but, that shouldn’t stop it trying to do so the Grievance Secretary explained.

The SNP leadership is currently facing a crisis of pointlessness despite facing the most pointless Wastemonster government since records began.

Mr Russell said an alternative route to giving Scots a say on independence without actually consulting the Scots must now be explored.

He said: “If democracy can’t deliver the results we Scots need then we must seek the approval of the highest authority in the land, All Under One Banner and Tasmina Ahmed Sheikh.”

He added: “There has to be a healthy discussion about the ways in which we can undermine and ignore those Scotch “Yoon” bastards who illegitimately don’t vote for us.”

Nicola Sturgeon today refused to rule out a Unilateral Declaration of Independence for all true SNP Scots.

She said: “As committed (European) Unionists and true Scots, we believe in the free movement of all non-independence supporting Scotch to England any time they’re ready.

“The sooner the better.” she added.

Mr Russell continued: “One of the big issues is the feeling of powerlessness that people have – especially me.

“We can’t have a second referendum in which we do not win that referendum.

“Therefore, logically, we’re not going to have one. We’re just going to declare independence anyway and keep our fingers crossed that no one notices.”

Views sought on Scottish junk politics crackdown

THE MORE junk politics you consume, the less likely you are to consume the essential stimulation that your mind relies on and the more likely you are to become susceptible to morbid Nationalism. AhDinnaeKen looks at a new scam to promote healthy politics.

You can’t have junk politics and a healthy society said no Scottish blogger ever.

PLANS TO crack down on junk politics in a bid to cut Scotland’s Nationalism crisis have been put out to consultation.

The proposals could see restrictions placed on “supersized” assertions, free wheeling, multi-contradictions and junk politics displays on social media outlets.

The move would cover Craig Murray, Peter A Bell, Newsnet, Mike Small, James Kelly and the litigious angry babyman with the misogyny complex.

Views are being sought on whether to include Bella Caledonia and The National.

The proposals were first outlined by the Scottish government in July, with the public and the social media echo chamber now being invited to give their views in a consultation that will be completely ignored.

Forty five percent of adults in Scotland are full of shit and 29% are said to be grossly deluded – with the figures remaining stubbornly high over the past four years.

The government says it wants to cut excessive consumption of horse shit, bullshit, sugar coated assertions and social media delusions, which it says would reduce the risks of developing type 2 Indyrefitis,  a condition which leads to infighting disease.

But the Clowns Over Scotland Federation, which represents angry babymen and oddball social media eunuchs, has previously warned that the proposals would hit sadsack loners hardest and that there is no evidence the proposals would make one iota of a difference to the country’s general population.

The proposed restrictions would include, among other things, junk politics conspiracy theories, Kremlin supporting stooges, hate preaching misogynists, fake reverends, monotonous monologues masquerading as journalism and increased virtue signalling and overbearing sanctimony.

The new rules would apply to wherever unhealthy politics are sold to the public, including Twitter, Facebook and WordPress websites. Possible restrictions to other online outlets will also be explored.

Political health minister, Affur Fuksake said urgent action on politics high in assertion, fallacy and lies was needed to tackle Scotland’s “damaging relation with junk politics.”

He added: “No country has yet introduced such measures, so we cannot use the experience of Russia Today to demonstrate likely success.”

But the Online Echo Chamber Consortium said there needed to be a “level playing field” across the hate preaching and blaming the Yoons industry.

Its head of pointless court cases, Reverend Angry Babyman, said: “For the government to decide which online rants can and cannot be placed in which part of the internet is an unprecedented measure and one which sounds like Yoon conspiracy.

“For this intervention to be reasonable and proportionate to us sadsack eunuchs, it’s vital the Scottish government are forensic in identifying and justifying the policies which they put into the scope of these Yoon like restrictions.

“Furthermore, significant thought will be required to ensure the measures are practical for different junk politics outlooks and crank conspiracy theorists without inadvertently distorting the overall junk politics market.”