Monthly Archives: September 2013

Bullingdon posh boy set to punish workshy oiks

Towel folding Chancer’s recent announcement to penalise the long term jobless for their wilful idleness will have several beneficial economic offshoots, according to absolutely nobody. AhDinnaeKen investigates:

Hard working people need to be able to recognise "the enemy (virus) within." said Gideon Richborne yesterday.

“Hard working people need to be able to recognise the enemy (virus) within.” said Gideon Richborne yesterday.

By Hardquore Scrownjar

THE LONG term unemployed are to be punished in order to drive key economic indicators for the Benevolent Tories it has been claimed.

Chancer of the Exchequer, Gideon Richborne, is set to announce a range of punishments for the plebs of society later this afternoon at the Tory Tory Tory conference.

Richborne will promise an exponential increase in misery, poverty, humiliation, despair, suicide and crime.

The long term unemployed haven’t been stigmatised enough according to the Bullingdon Chancer and this populist measure is expected to increase his party’s election chances in 2015.

The £300 million “Help Us to Get Elected” package will see 200,000 assorted low-lifes, illiterates, drug addicts and reprobates given no other choice than to do what their Conservative betters tell them.

And the measure is expected to have the added benefit of keeping the lowly paid in line in order to boost their superiors bank balance.

According to Conservative Bankers for Business spokesperson, Hartless B’Stard, the move will have several societal benefits for the Tory Party.

He said: “Driving the benefits bill down means that we can also drive wages down in the full knowledge that nobody will give up their shitty and soul destroying low-paid job in case they fall into our hands. Result!”

It is also expected that people losing their benefit will engage in entrepreneurial activities such as hanging themselves, overdosing, mugging old grannies, casual theft, prostitution and aggravated burglary.

People placed on the new scheme will have to wear a yellow star on their shoulder so that decent hard working voters can instantly identify them.

“This something for nothing virus has spread through our society like a cancer” said a random pub bore.

“Gideon has the right idea. For every pleb he can get off benefits, that’s another free bottle of bolly for the next Tory party conference. Hurrah for our poshboy social superiors.”

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Filed under Culture, Economy, Labour

Edinburgh polis are liars – Eddi Reader

Cor blimey guv! Wid ye believe it? The September Indy rally’s biggest heidbanger has just compounded her zealotry by accusing Edinburgh’s finest of lying about the Indy rally. AhDinnaeKen puts the Tut in Tut Tut:

Too many people settle for second best,  there were 8,300 and the kiddy on rest. It's gotta be...imperfect.

Too many people settle for second best, there were 8,300 people and the kiddy on rest. It’s gotta be… oh yeah…imperfect. Just ask the Edinburgh polis.

By Longshanker aka @ergasiophobe

EDINBURGH’S BOYS in blue are liars according to prominent Yes campaigner Eddi Reader.

The embarrassing heidbanger and alleged singer has accused the Edinburgh force of lying about the numbers attending last week’s Indy rally.

And she further compounded the accusation by suggesting the polis were manipulating the figures in order to pull a fast one on the ‘undiscerning’ Scottish public.

The charge was raised following a Tweet by Indy supporter, Gary Hogg, who asked: “Why did the media lie about the numbers on the #indyrally?”

He was answered by Celtic supporter John doyle who said: “the police tell lies just like the media and the politicians.”

Agreeing with both, Eddi replied: “You’re right John.. It takes a discerning mind to realise when manipulation is happening.”

Reader, 54, believes in the delusion that more than 20,000 people marched on Edinburgh’s Calton Hill to show their support for a fatherland free of English rule.

Her belief appeared to be corroborated by the Scottish Police Federation on Monday 23 Sep two days after the march.

But Edinburgh’s Cops remained staunch and steadfast in the face of Reader’s hateful accusation.

On Friday 27 September they confirmed: “Info on day was 8300 on March and 6000 at Rally. Feds would need to speak to their number.”

The singer’s censure appears to put the Scottish Police Federation at odds with the Edinburgh City Police.

But, as independent observers have remarked, “Edinburgh’s finest were the organisation with men on the ground – the Scottish Police Federation statement was more likely to be political than procedural in scope.”

Reader’s desire for Independence culminated in a display of Nationalistic fervor when she exhibited her alleged Nazi supporting great uncle’s flag on stage at the Calton Hill rally.

Neutral impartial observer, Longshanker, said: “I’ve often wondered why Ms Reader raised a complaint with the Press Complaints Commission over the Scotland On Sunday’s Klan Alba feature showing the saltire as a swastika.

“It seemed strange at the time, but given the likely leanings of her alleged pro-IRA, Nazi supporting great uncle, it now makes sense.”

Reader’s hapless complaint against the newspaper was kicked out on the grounds of being a ‘bit daft’, ‘thin skinned’ and ‘completely lacking in humour’.

Edinburgh City Police and the Scottish Police Federation were unavailable for comment.

InDRally Numbers Ebgh Poll Tweet 02

To the “discerning” mind that equals about 20,000 people.

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Filed under Diplomacy, Referendum

Supermarket puts political mental patient costume on sale

BASDA basks in the limelight after proud claims that a fancy dress costume for sale on its website stigmatises political health problems.

How scary's that? BASDA are proud of their scariest costume in 300 years.

How scary’s that? BASDA are proud of their scariest costume in 300 years.

By Parcella Roges

SUPERMARKET CHAIN BASDA will withdraw an item advertised as a “political mental patient fancy dress costume”, following a barrage of praise and criticism.

The costume, which is designed to look like a credible politician, was put on sale to corporate fatcats for “backscratching favours” through the supermarket’s secret deals arm, Clandestine Operations.

Many people took to Twitter to add their penny worth for Scotland.

Charity ‘Go Homeward Tae Think Again’ posted on its Twitter account: “Well done BASDA. That’s the scariest costume you’ve sold in 300 years. The Basturt English will think twice before messing with us.”

Former spin doctor Kevin Bagapringles also commented: “Look what BASDA’s selling… #projectfeartie strikes back.”

The chain posted on its own Twitter account: “We’re deeply proud our fancy dress costume has put the willies up people. This was a calculated act guaranteed to frichten friends and foes alike.”

A spokesperson said the decision was a calculated act guaranteed to put £500 extra pounds sterling in every Scottish citizen’s pocket.

The costume is expected to be withdrawn on 19th September 2014

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Christina McKelvie MSP’s ‘positive’ gaffe goes viral

It’s not every day that an opposition leader will gift you a gilt edged opportunity to make political capital at their expense. Christina McKelvie MSP amply demonstrated this morning how to misplay the ‘moral superiority’ card and, instead, turn it into a prima facie example of ‘moral repugnance’. Talk about snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Weel din Virus Sark! AhDinnaeKen reports:

"Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them." - Bruce Lee

“Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.” – Bruce Lee

By Longshanker aka @ergasiophobe

CHRISTINA MCKELVIE MSP this morning surrendered the opportunity for the SNP to play the ‘moral superiority’ card over their Labour opponents.

The hapless politician tweeted a tasteless reference to being “Yes positive” in order to shame Johann Lamont’s recent reference to Nationalism as a “virus”.

Furious fellow nationalists, political opponents and neutrals alike demanded she should ‘apologise’. But the tasteless MSP remained defiant, insisting instead that it is Johann Lamont who should apologise.

The Retweet by Ms Hamilton (pictured above) attracted many comments, the majority of which condemned her compassionless mockery and likening of the Yes campaign to HIV victims.

The shameless politician insisted that she was being misunderstood and that her Tweet was merely “mischief making”.

But friends of the SNP remained unmoved. SNP activist and blogger Jeff Breslin said: “Whatever the context, this looks rather distasteful, and the kind of thing politicians end up apologising for…”

His comments were reinforced by independence supporting New Statesman journalist James Maxwell who merely said: “Yup.”

Many in the inner coterie of the SNP’s sinister £1m media relations Star Chamber remained unmoved by McKelvie’s gaffe.

Wee sleekit, cowerin’, backstabbing spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “We would like to distance ourselves from Christina’s ill judged remarks.

“Once again Johann Lamont presented us with an opportunity to make hay at the Labour Party’s expense.

“And now McKelvie’s f**ked it up for us. The Courier and STV are already all over it and she’s helped make it look like we’re the morally repugnant eejits.

“Weel din hen, your demotion’s in the post.”

Christina McKelvie is 45 and an active supporter of a well known Nationalist Front site which the Yes campaign recently distanced itself from.

Journo’s on the case.

Aye. You keep saying that Christina. We'll believe you.

Aye. You keep saying that Christina. We’ll believe you.

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Filed under Morality, Opinion

Moan McVulpine: Stop treating Scots like everyone else over the Royal Mail

MOAN says the coalition government’s proposed plans to sell off the Royal Mail is an imposition by Westminster to specifically victimise the Scots.

Moan McVulpine Banner

By Moan McVulpineNurturing division at every opportunity

FOR MORE than 1500 years, Scots have relied on the English to have something to complain aboot that wisnae the weather.

The Scottish Nationalists know that if you’re in a bind, and you can’t markedly move the polls in your favour, then blaming the English is the last resort get out clause of choice.

When ill informed Southern commentators complain about the anti-English rhetoric of the Scots, it’s probably big ‘N’ Nationalists like Joan McCarthyalpine they have in mind.

Substitute ‘Westminster’, or ‘Unionist’ for English in any of Joanie’s polemics and you suddenly see that the ill informed Southern commentators might have a point.

Witness this week’s Royal Mail privatisation rant. It’s classic ‘we’re getting picked on again by the basturt English’ grievance politics.

Nobody with any sense of social justice believes that the privatisation of the Royal Mail will be a good thing,

Too many previous privatisations have shown what happens – ordinary folks get shafted by higher costs for less service.

And that’s how it will be when the Bullingdon Tories and their Lib-dem fags flog off the Royal Mail.

In the Nationalist mindset, however, it serves as yet another showcase for Joanie to demonstrate the unimaginative straitjacket of Nationalist diatribe.

“Look at how they treat us”, she moans. “They have no respect for us” she whines. “There’s only one alternative” she groans.

The whole subtext is of powerlessness and victimhood. Yet the privatisation is being imposed nationwide, not just in Scotland.

Backward and desperately in need of reform as it is, that’s British democracy.

For independence to have any chance of being a success, Westminster and its vested interests need reformed first.

If it isn’t, an independent fledgling Scotland will find itself crushed and mangled between the political jaws of Westminster and the cherry picking speculators of the City.

The only potential escape will be into the welcoming parasitic maw of the European bureaucracy.

It will be like a reverse of 1560 when we allied with the English in order to escape from the increasing dominance of Scotland by the French.

Whatever happens, it will be yet another example of how Nationalists in control only make things worse.

Now that’s worth not voting for.

 

COMEDY RELIEF

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Exclusive: The truth behind the Indyrally figures

AhDinnaeKen indulges in some easy peasy Indy rally mythbusting using Google assisted evidence topped off with a smidgeon of basic primary school arithmetic. 30,000 attending the Indy rally – they really are pulling yer chain.

Guess how many people believe you? 5 million? 1 million? 30,000?

Guess how many people believe you Nicola? 5 million? 1 million? 30,000?

By Longshanker and Young Erga

NICOLA STURGEON said 30,000 attended Saturday’s Indyrally, the organisers said 30,000, Salmond implied 30,000, and they were all wrong.

So totally and utterly wrong that AhDinnaeKen is embarrassed for them.

Sturgeon, in her “emotional” speech to the not so swollen crowd, said: “You know how many people they are saying are here with us today? Not 10,000, not 20,000, but 30,000 people appearing for independence.”

You can just about hear AhDinnaeKen shouting out – on my video recording at least – “where?”.

Young Erga gave me one of her friendly warning punches, her ‘withering look’, and a sharp verbal rebuke reminding me where I was.

Naturally, that was enough to shut me up.

But it got me to thinking. It couldn’t really be that hard to work out a rough figure given the starting point of the High Street/Cockburn Street muster location and the overall distance from there to the end of the line at the Castle Esplanade – where the last of the Indyrally marchers could be found assembling.

So, basing the crowd on figures which generously allows for more people than were actually there, let’s try some basic maths based on crowd density and distance.

Check this yourself using Google maps and phone snaps from the day – of which, AhDinnaeKen has a few.

The muster point - marked in red - in its full glorious length. Longshanker and Young Erga walked the whole length and back again to take in the sights.

The muster point – marked in red – in its full glorious length. Longshanker and Young Erga walked the whole length and back again to take in the sights.

Consider the following variables:

1) Distance: From the corner of High Street/Cockburn Street to the Castle Esplanade – where the last of the marchers (Aberdeen Yes banner) lined up – is approximately 500 metres at most.

2) Maximum number of people in a line, across the width of the road, backed up by pictures and our own eyes was approx 14 people max.

3) Safe, comfortable, mobile, crowd density is approximately 1 square metre per 1.5 persons (10 square feet).

On the basis of 2) and 3), on every 10 metre length of road you would have approximately 140 people max. To be more than fair, the number could be plus or minus 10 per 10m of road.

20130921_112918

Approx 10 to 15 people formed each line with approx 10 people to each metre going backwards.

Therefore, let’s call it a generous 150 people per 10 metre length of road.

Multiply 150 people per 10m length by 50, to allow for the full 500 metres of road, and it equals approx 7,500 people.

There were a couple of inlets along the High Street allowing for certain other pro-Indy groups to join in, which could account for approximately another 1,000 more marchers – at the most.

And that leaves you with a figure of 8,500 – not too far away from the police estimate of 8,300.

Allowing for more people joining from elsewhere, such as from Dr. Who’s Tardis or being parachuted in by space monsters or teleporting from the Starship Enterprise, and you’re looking at 10,000 people absolute max.

Judging by the aerial picture, taken at 2:20pm and Tweeted that day, of Calton Hill, 10,000 is hugely optimistic. 30,000 is absolutely barking mad delusional – not a phrase you would normally associate with Nicola Sturgeon, the SNP or the Yes campaign.

Part of the reason AhDinnaeKen travelled to Edinburgh was to see the numbers of participants at first hand and to let Young Erga engage with something which is, no matter how you look at it, historic.

Walking round the hill on a quick recce after Dennis Canavan had nearly blown a gasket wittering on about “foot soldiers” and armies and training, it was easy to conclude that 10,000 was, at best, optimistic.

This piece isn’t written to sneer. Young Erga and myself, loved the day: Great music, mostly interesting speakers, lots of colourful flags and a fantastic atmosphere all contributed to an unforgettable and appreciated experience.

But to kid yourself on that there were 30,000 people there merely reinforces the external belief that Indy believers, at least the hardcore believers, are gullible and will swallow anything they’re told by the SNP or the Yes campaign.

If you’re going to swallow fabrications like that, then you’ll swallow anything.

And that’s truly a worry.

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Moan McVulpine: I’ll spread my bed for the Salmondwich generation

Moan says she feels for those who are having to ‘support’ their friend’s husband, as well as their ageing Firstminster, due to the state of their political career.

Moan McVulpine Banner

By Moan McVulpineFrom twosome to threesome to twosome again

NOT MANY people reading this today are members of the Salmondwich generation.

It’s nothing to do with civicness or patriotic aspirations. You have little time for empathy or sympathy if you are Generation Salmondwich.

Salmondwichers are those who simultaneously court cheesey bloggers and ‘big beast’ Firstminster’s. I’m lucky – my squeezes often ‘supported’ me more than the other way round. Ooer missus!

If it hadn’t been for cheesey smear merchants spreading poison about fellow politicos over the years, I’d probably not be writing this, let alone be appearing in a local divorce court.

But ‘supporting’ can also mean other ‘adult’ things. Adultery means that people other than the main protagonists can suffer disproportionately from the betrayal and hurt caused: sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, friends, work colleagues etc.

It can have a devastatingly emotional impact on the closest of the innocent injured party’s. Not to mention the high profile public humiliation visited upon the unwittingingly trusting – through no fault of their own.

But who cares about others when you’re simultaneously furthering your own political career while attacking your perceived enemies. Right?

And that’s Moan’s philosophy. If it’s for the good of the flag, the country, the nation, then f**k all of her fellow countrymen/women getting in the way of her Nationalist aspirations.

It’s the big ‘N’ Nationalist way – talk civic, act self-interest.

But of course, Moanie’s alleged out of wedlock affairs would never have occurred if it hadn’t been for basturt Westminster anyway.

If Skintland was free of the yoke of English imperialist oppression, then there would have been no need for these extra-marital shenaningans to have occurred in the first place.

So, as has become the tedious recurring theme of Moanie’s newspaper polemics, it’s all Westminster’s fault.

We* do get that, don’t we*?

COMEDY RELIEF         EXECUTIVE RELIEF

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