Category Archives: SNP

Sturgeon vows SNP will be more anti-semitic

NICOLA ANTI-SEMITIC VOW

SNP will adopt an anti-trade union, anti-semitic stance which is Stronger for Scotland.

By Ester Minationethno purity and final solutions correspondent

NICOLA STURGEON has been urged to investigate claims that SNP members aren’t officially anti-semitic enough in their attacks on English trade unionists.

The ethno-Nationalist “Groin Beater” blog, in a flaccid attack on last week’s Glasgow public sector strike, claimed that there was no place for Jews, English people and trade unionists in a brave new independent Scotland.

The author has denied claims of having any meaningful intelligence.

The blog also criticised Labour candidate Valkyrie Wolfson for being young, attractive, a woman, politically active and Jewish.

But most of all it attacked her for being an English Jewish Trade Unionist woman.

“Hitler didn’t show us the way to deal with Trade Unions and then expect us to turn a blind eye in the name of civic Nationalism.” frothed Mr Groin Beater.

“Unions are fascism’s Public Enemy Number 1. And the sooner Nicola and the independence movement embrace that fact, the sooner we can purge oor great wee nation of all of the trade unions and trouble makers – particularly the female Jewish Labour ones.” he added.

Ms Sturgeon is said to be privately disgusted that more of her MPs, MSPs, coonsellors and officials hadn’t actively promoted Mr Groin Beater’s blog:

“We’ll take no lessons from Labour about which party can be the most anti-semitic,” she growled.

“We’ve goat oor ain wee Justiceminster to prove it. And ye want to hear him when he gets stertet.”

Ms Wolfson was last seen being escorted by Gestapo Police Scotland to the notorious re-education camp, Scotlinka, in Rutherglen.

Mr Groin Beater is 45, a virgin and still lives with his mum who affectionately refers to him as “Mussolini”.

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I can’t believe it’s not “Utter” is getting a new cliche thanks to Humza

Humza QT Pic

“It’s utterly appalling the utter crap the media will dredge up about my utter reliance on utter” uttered Mr Yousaf yesterday.

By Utter Stutterlinguistics and lexiphanic cliche analyst

THE SCOTTISH Parliament’s Justiceminster, Mr Humza Yousaf, angrily attacked “utter media hypocrisy” yesterday in a dispute over cliches which arose after the publishing of a letter in the Dundee Courier.

Letter writer, Jukov Sutherland, had reported that Mr Yousaf’s general utterances were littered with intellectually vacuous statements prefixed by the cliched use of “utter” or “utterly”.

Humza utterly denied this, claiming that it was utterly despicable to pick on his use of utter because, as Justiceminster for the people of his community, he was utterly committed to its everyday use on their behalf.

He said: “I utterly refute this claim.

“It is utterly insulting to my name and displays an utter lack of respect to me, my friends, my family, my pets, my Panini football sticker collection, my community, my politics, my beliefs, my party, my country and anything else which has anything utterly to do with me.

“I will be writing to the leader of the mainstream media party and will make it utterly clear how utterly appalling this insult is coming from an utter bunch of utter nutters.

“I will be expecting several utter resignations following my writing of an utterly outraged letter.

“As Justiceminster for Transport, or something, I utterly condemn this utterly heartbreaking recognition of my utter commitment to vacuous intellectually challenged utter cliches.”

The SNP however utterly backed their Justiceminster’s human right to rely on tediously repetitive cliches:

“Look, we’ve utterly relied on the use of grievance cliches to get where we are today. It’s an utter success story that our utterances even get listened to never mind believed.

“Leave the boy alone, it’s an utter improbability that he’ll get found out any time soon.”

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Winter deaths up thanks to us claim SNP

IT’S LONG been known that the largest single block of No voters in the 2014 independence referendum were old, decrepit, closed minded, worthless “Yoons”. The SNP’s plan to deal with the “problem” has been hailed as a huge success by the “Indy minded” throughout the Nation. AhDinnaeKen reports:

Jeanne Freeman

“There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent time at an SNP conference?” asked Jeanne Freeman yesterday.

By Furr Coughhealth, age and psephology correspondent

“WINTER” DEATHS in Scotland reached their highest levels since devolution began, it was confirmed by the SNP today.

More than 23,000 oldies died as a result of SNP policies, leaflets, conferences, party political broadcasts and incessantly dull rhetoric that “indy is the only salvation”, according to the Department for Nationalist Statistics.

Virulent strains of Nationalist pish have been directly attributed to the encouraging rise in the number of fatalities.

Last winter the number of Nationalist pish related deaths trebled to just under 21,000.

Ms Yoon Hater, Chief Executive of Victory Through Fatality, said the long term trend should result in fewer available oldies and therefore less No voters to thwart any future Independence referendum plans.

And she added: “The average winter death value for the last eighteen years has been rising but ramped up exponentially in the last four (2014) as we became fully aware of who the true enemies of Scotland really were and whom we should indiscriminately target.”

The underlying causes of most of the additional deaths include boredom, lethargy, tediousness and monotony, all symptoms directly attributable to the SNP’s indy message and strategy.

Jeanne Freeman, Queen Quangocrat and something to do with health (this week), said:

“There is no doubt that we more than doubled our efforts into boring the oldies to death.

“These fantastic figures prove, if nothing else, that we’re getting something right.”

Nicola Sturgeon added: “This increase in fatalities should be seen as a beacon of our ‘progressive’ values.”

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Nicola’s supersized beacon sandwich

Nicola Conference Speech

“We have no hope of winning independence just now” said Nicola to conference, “so tell the zoomers to tone it down a bit eh!”

By Yewvbin Telt – First Minister speech analyst and biographer

NICOLA STURGEON has called for “beacons and belief” from fellow Nationalists in her SNP conference “speech devoid of hope”

The First Minister said she was “more confident than ever” that she wouldn’t be calling an independence referendum while she remained in power.

She added that members must “wait like kids wait for Santa” and work to win over the rest of the party into doing nothing, just like her.

Ms Sturgeon also announced new policies on evading the subject of independence, not listening to activists, and ignoring inconvenient democratic votes.

The first minister was in fast spin mode on the final day of the SNP’s three-day conference of #HopeNoIndyHappensHere2018.

She used her speech to hit out at “indy believers” and “AOUB” for reminding people that she was doing “hee haw bugger aw” for the “cause”.

The SNP leader kicked off the conference by announcing that there was no “hope” for an Independence referendum before 2021.

But she offered “hope” for those interested in “beacons” when she described Scotland as “a beacon of progressive values.

“We have lit so many “progressive” beacons for the world that we can afford to make beacon sandwiches for the planet.

“We will be a beacon for beacon sandwiches.”

She admitted that people demanding Independence were a “serious problem” for her party and she would do more to get rid of them.

“Ask Alex Salmond what happens.” she half joked.

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Filed under IndyRef 2, Referendum, SNP, Treachery