Moan McVulpine: How SuperSalmond demonstrated the future of things to come

MOAN reckons Firstminster SuperSalm singlehandedly saved Skintland and Grangemouth in one fell swoop.

By Moan McVulpine – Putting the myth into mythologising

THEY DIDN’T bend over backwards and let Ineos do unspeakable things to Skintland, but it felt like it when Unite unconditionally capitulated to every demand put forward by the chemical giant at Grangemouth.

Talk about the feeling of powerlessness in the face of corporate power – this was a powerful demonstration of the impotence behind being ‘put in your place’.

And now, the mythologising, the lionising of Salmond’s role in this throwback to 1920s industrial relations will take on a new representation.

Particularly with the Nationalists.

Take Anti-Scots Finder General, Joan McArthyalpine, and her latest éloges resplendissantes of SuperSalm’s alleged action in the saving of Skintland, the workforce and the Ineos petro-chemical plant.

The term “bashing heads“, “cajoling“, “negotiating“, “secret talks” are all power words bandied about as if anything other than ‘pleading‘, ‘begging‘, ‘surrendering‘ and ‘pandering‘ had anything to do with Ineos’s perceived volte face on the closure of Grangemouth.

We also have the Thatcherite phrase “tough talks” thrown into the mix in relation to SuperSalm’s alleged negotiations with Unite.

Ho hum, you can try and take the Tory out of Tartan Tory but at times of crisis it always slips back into its natural place.

A little light reading between the lines reveals next to nothing other than bluster, supposition and whataboutery.

Salmond allegedly convened “secret talks” with a prospective buyer. The inference being that if Ineos shut the plant down the secret buyer would step in and save the day. The Nationalist myth now being created suggests this somehow gave SuperSalm leverage in talks with Ineos. Haw haw!

No one’s denying the meeting took place, but it had to in order for SuperSalm to present the perception to the gullible public that his actions were anything other than supine surrendering to Ineos.

According to McArthyalpine, SuperSalm negotiated a £40 million subsidy for Jim Ratcliffe’s gas bill. Some may see that as compassionate, Ratcliffe is down to his last couple of billion after all and needs all the millions he can get, but this takes lieing down and letting yourself get kicked to another level.

Oh that SuperSalm could use his energy contacts to do such a thing for the rest of us mortals inhabiting the country. Or the people facing eviction due to the bedroom tax.

But Salmond’s messenger boy role between Unite, the UK government and Ratcliffe’s Ineos is now taking on a whole political legend momentum of its own.

No longer can it be claimed that Salmond is obsessed by his vanity project.

No longer can it be claimed that his secret dealings with the corporates help further his own career.

And no longer can it be claimed that Salmond doesn’t have the best interests of Salmond in mind

If anything, SuperSalm proved that he’s learned from his bitch slapping by Diageo in 2009.

He’s learned that total and unconditional surrender to the demands of greedy corporate exploitation is the only way to deal with people holding real power.

That’s why he bent over backwards for Ineos.

That is the future deal for Skintland.

And that’s why we need a Yes vote next year.

COMEDY RELIEF

A tribute to SuperSalm – superhero of the Nationalist class

Poor wee Skintland. Not only is it rich in natural resource, as we found out last week, it is also rich in Superheroes. AhDinnaeKen investigates:

Superheroes give us hope for the future. Thanks to SuperSalm we know what we can look forward to – total capitulation to corporate muscle flexing.

By Deecee McComics

Narrator: Faster than a speeding sloth. More powerful than a loco Labour party. Able to leap on parliamentary aides in a single bound.

Average Jock 1: Look! Up in the headlines! It’s a turd.

Jock Wummin: It’s insane!

Average Jock 2: It’s SuperSalm!

Narrator: Yes, it’s SuperSalm. Strange visitor from another parliament, who came to Skintland with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. SuperSalm, who can change the course of mighty corporations, bend intransigent Unions in his bare hands. And who, disguised as a bloated Politician and profligate Firstminster of a mediocre Parish Cooncil, fights a neverending battle for troof, corporatism and the Tartan Tory way. And now, another sleep inducing episode in the adventures of SuperSalm:

SuperSalm and the capitulation of ordinary people to evil corporations

Narrator: There’s trouble brewing at the Petro-chemical plant. Benevolent international corporate tax avoiders need to put troublesome native workers in their place. Lex Luffer-Ratcliffe requires assistance in holding the country to ransom while shafting his workforce and simultaneously getting the taxpayer to gift him with trouser loads of risk free money.

Average Jock 1: No one in the world is capable of doing that!

Jock Wummin: Yer probably richt!

Average Jock 2: It’s time to call for SuperSalm!

SuperSalm: Stand aside keachy mortals! I shall use my superpowers to give Lex Luffer-Ratcliffe everything, and more, that he wants.

Narrator: SuperSalm and super little helper Lois Lane-Swindley do everything in their power to help shaft their own citizens.

SuperSalm: Another victory for corporate backscratching. I shall bask in the Nationalist mythologising of this victory for indecency and ‘civic progressive’ values for many months to come.

Look forward to more of this supine capitulation to corporate power Jock citizens. We will break free from the imperialistic yoke of the evil empire. Better a corporate slave than a Unionist slave.

Narrator: Next week we shall follow the adventures of SuperSalm as he demonstrates the best methods to keep parliamentary aides satisfied while still maintaining a ‘happy marriage’ with his super mum/wife.

SNP comment on Dunfermline by-election

Sour grapes, graceless losers, lacking dignity. That’s the Nationalists in defeat. Here’s how wee Ochaye Mackay dealt with the disappointment of the turncoat traitor Quisling by-election defeat in Dunfermline:

“Tell me again what you did with the saucepan” said Nicola to Bill in happier, more innocent, days.

By Ochaye Mackay

COMMENTING ON the result of the Dunfermline by-election, the Scottish Nationalist Party’s Brownnose Convener Mr Ochaye Mackay said:

“The SNP fought a strong campaign to get another wife beater into the selection process, but Nicola was overruled and we selected a wummin instead – in the interests of political correctness.

“And look what happened. Gubbed! Did you see the Labourer’s wummin? She wiz the worst of aw the wimmin standing at this by-election. And she still won!?

“We cannae get ower that. For Mister Phucks sake. Who are these people who voted for her? Anti-Scottish to a man/wummin. Joan McArthyalpine and her night-time crew are going to be busy over the next few weeks.

“But the Labourers shouldnae get too big heided. Their swing wiznae a big enough swing to prove anything other than the rejection of their policies by the Dunfermline electorate. Er, haud on.

“And like my granny always used to say, it’s swings and roundabouts. Whit goes around comes around. You reap what you sow. Er.

“That’s why, when you look at the figures regarding who voted for the Nationalists, the victory belongs to us, despite the actual result.

“You see, compared to 2007 – when we won Nationally – the SNP vote in this by-election is 6.5 per cent higher.

“So really, we won on the night, despite actually losing. You don’t hear the Labourers saying that, do you? I wonder why? Er.

“In the last days of the campaign the Labourers did what Labourers do. They reclaimed the ground we normally fight on. They said what it takes to win. But really, despite winning, they lost.

Filed under. BastardFifers @ Dunfermline.gracelesslosers.com

COMEDY RELIEF

Moan McVulpine: SNP’s Dunfermline battle plan could take a (wife) beating

Moan McVulpine discusses the SNP Neveremdum strategy and why they aren’t doing themselves any favours in their denial of reality.

By Moan McVulpine – Putting the desperate in desperate times

WIFE BEATER times call for wife beater measures. And nowhere is the stink of covered up wife beating apologism more pungent than in Dunfermline.

The Fife town was expected to be a solid Labour seat in 2011. The SNP expected it to remain so. That’s why they were so casual about fielding a self confessed wife beater.

Under normal circumstances, woman thumping Bill Walker wouldn’t have stood a chance. But such was the disaffection with the Labouring party throughout Scotland that those who bothered to turn out voted SNP – in protest.

In consequence, an extraordinary denial blanket has been thrown over the current Dunfermline campaign.

It’s alleged that Nicola Sturgeon knew of Bill Walker’s violent past yet still gave him the green light to represent Nationalist values.

No surprise there I suppose. This is the ‘formidable politician’ who pleaded for leniency for a previously convicted serial fraudster.

She apologised for that one. We’re still waiting for her to apologise over the Bill Walker affair.

No matter how you look at the campaign in Dunfermline – SNP say Labour = BAD. Labour say SNP = BAD – it’s being fought due to the conviction and jailing of a SNP candidate.

That’s right! The man advocating independence, ‘civic’ values and ‘progressivenes’ was more than willing to lift his hands, saucepan or whatever was handy to smash women with. Some advocacy.

The SNP say virtually nothing about that. Moan believes wife beating isn’t just anti-Scottish, it’s anti-women, it’s anti-social and it’s anti-decency.

Until the SNP hold their hands up over the affair, and the people responsible do the right thing, the stench of Bill Walker’s covered up past will reek like a festering corpse in the grave of the independence campaign.

The SNP believe in a “stick your fingers in your ears and ignore it campaign”.

Most Scots reject that.

Maybe that’s why the Nationalists are so desperate to pretend that there is a groundswell of momentum behind their vanity project.

Can you really believe such people?

All will be answered next year. Haud me back. ZZzzzz…

 

COMEDY RELIEF

Moan McVulpine tells Duke to keep his fracking hands to himself

MOAN MCVULPINE believes that Buccleuch Estate’s plan to drill for gas in the village of Canonbie has parallels with the decision to allow Donald Trump to destroy an area of Special Scientific Interest in the Menies estate.

By Moan McVulpine – paying hypocritical lip service to virtue

DICK DOUGLAS Scott, the 10th Duke of Buckie, has a big hoose and an even bigger garden.

He’s a direct descendant of one of Scotland’s most dashing heroes of the Wars of Independence, the Black Douglas.

But that means nothing now. He’s going to use his own land to rake in the cash.

And what’s best, Westminster can be blamed for the situation.

Plus, this time Moanie gets to play the class card and evoke the shibboleth of poor tenants being oppressed by evil lairds. Result!

The concept is tiresomely sound enough.

It’s just that it comes across as a bit hypocritical when directly compared with what happened at the Menies estate up North.

Evoking the concept of “environmental vandalism” on the Buccleuch Estate, McArthyalpine made Moanie near choke on her breakfast coffee.

The existence of a Site of Special Scientific Interest in Menies didn’t protect the area from the “environmental vandalism” wreaked upon it by the Trumpton corporation.

But that was different. Then, the centralising SNP was the driving force behind the bulldozing of local democracy in the face of corporate profit.

That kind of anti-Democratic action is “for the good of the country” and anyone who says different is talking their country down.

Now, the Duke of Buckie has given the go ahead to fracking – a controversial process which could result in cheaper energy prices for normal folks.

The SNP don’t like that. It gets in the way of them forcing Salmond’s subsidised renewables vanity project on the country.

And the option to stop the fracking on the Duke’s estate can’t be stopped by fair means or foul.

Cue Joanie getting her weekly dig in about how subjugated we poor Scots are by Westminster.

If only we had more power to overturn previously agreed planning permissions, we could stop the evil Duke from oppressing his poor powerless serfs.

Compassionless Westminster, the source of all our woes, is only interested in oppressing us aided by heartless turncoat tyrants like the Duke.

Isn’t it about time the Joanie’s of the world washed their infantile hands of this kind of grievance politics?

Moanie thinks so.

COMEDY RELIEF

Let them wear Tartan Tory wooly jumpers

Let the common people get shafted. That was the message sent to the big energy companies from Scottish Energyminster Fergus Spewing yesterday. Have the SNP really thrown off the Tartan Tory moniker? AhDinnaeKen investigates:

“We must not tolerate oppressive government or industrial oligarchy in the form of monopolies and cartels.” – Henry A. Wallace. No friend of the SNP then.

By Wintarov Diskintent

SCOTTISH ENERGYMINSTER Fungus Spewing has condemned struggling Scots and businesses to decades of parasitic energy taxes.

In parliament he said that the energy cartels should continue with their carte blanche overcharging of consumers and businesses alike.

Chastising the leader of the Labouring party, Red Millibean, he said: “Trying to reduce consumer prices and small business operating costs is akin to communism and will have no place in a corporate friendly independent Scotland.

“We have our subsidised wind turbine Salmond led vanity project to consider here.

“How dare Millibean suggest that standing up to the UK energy cartel will achieve less misery for millions. Of course it will. And that’s why we urnae fir daein’ anything aboot it.”

Mr Spewing also attacked a Westminster government analysis which concluded that more than two million businesses would benefit from lower electricity and gas prices.

He further claimed that it was typical of a Westminster government to publish such a balanced analysis:

“In an independent Scotland we will have the power to ignore such well balanced nonsense.” he said.

“We will prove to the corporate monopolies, cartels and tax evaders that an independent Scotland will be open for business.”

But opponents of the Tartan Tory corporate backscratchers counter-claimed that the SNP were siding with price fixing cartels against the good of the people.

Commy pinko bolshevik anti-capitalist Labourer, Iain Jiggety Gray said: “No matter how you look at this, the SNP are siding with bloodsucking companies inflicting harm on ordinary Scots every day of their lives.

“If our Westminster masters get back into power we will conveniently forget about this argument.”

SNP emergency text alert tests begin

Mobile phone companies set to test emergency announcements in face of imminent SNP white paper.

“Project Fear has a role in terms of declaring a state of emergency.” – Blaring MacDougall. Text alerts will keep the Scots on track.

By Widye Beleevit

TESTING OF a new text messaging system which alerts unwitting members of the public to SNP assertions is to begin in Glasgow.

Three hundred different test messages will be sent to mobile phone customers throughout the country from November this year – following the release of the SNP white paper on independence.

The messages will make it clear which type of Nationalist assertion is being dealt with. They will fit into a variety of categories such as, ‘Barnum statement’, ‘wishful thinking’, ‘falsehood’, ‘off the hoof remark’, ‘making it up now’, ‘la la la land-ism’, ‘total fantasy’ and ‘oh my god Salmond will do and say anything-ism’.

The trial is being run by Project Fear and Glasgow City Council in order to assist with the current conspiracy theory narrative of the Nationalists.

Black Ops Conspiracy
The initial test texts are intended to examine how various alerting technologies work and the public’s reaction to them.

Swiveleyed Loon, executive director of conspiracy theory creation at Black Ops Conspiracy central, said: “Project Fear has a legal duty to protect the people from systematic bombardment of SNP assertions.

“We already have several proven covert and underhanded methods of dealing with SNP fantasies, but the text alert system makes it easier and more immediate.

“Plus, it always gies us a guid laugh at the outpouring of grievance and injured sanctimony from the Nationalists.”

Mr Loon said that being able to send messages directly to mobile phones in a specific geographic area would mean we wouldn’t have to bother our subjugating masters in England with the trivialities.

Blaring MacDougall, Black Ops Project Fear chief, said: “We believe mobile technology can play a vital role in the simultaneous mass communication of assertion debunking messages to the public, now that the need has arisen.

“We look forward to the greetin’ faced whining of the Nationalists during our trial.”

People receiving test text messages can email Mr MacDougall to take part in focus group imperialistic brainwashing or take part in an online investigative grilling.

Moan McVulpine: Not much to learn from Nationalist mythologising of the past

Moan was hugely impressed with the lack of detail on the less celebrated aspects of our country’s achievements and history.

By Moan McVulpine – Applying a Nationalist cudgel to oor great wee history

THE GREAT tapestry of Scotland was on display for just three weeks at Whollyrude yet attracted 30,000 visitors.

That’s approximately two thirds of the numbers visiting Celtic park or Ibrox on a typical match day.

The panels of the tapestry celebrate the plus side of our history and ignore the darker side which still resonates today.

For example, there’s no mention of the 1606 Colliers and Salters Act which effectively enslaved Scots to their Scots “maisters” through generations.

Ironically, and something the Nationalists are keen to ignore, it was an act of the Westminster Parliament of Union in 1795 which finally repealed the barbaric act – recognising it as “a state of slavery and bondage.”

Ho hum. Nationalistic celebration of history only works when it ignores inconvenient truths.

And that’s not to demean the tapestry itself. It’s a worthy project and worth the viewing for anyone interested in their country’s history. It truly is an impressive and beautiful work of art.

But, as soon as politicians with questionable agendas start promoting it as some sort of communal Nationalistic love in, you have to start asking questions.

Moanie, not Joanie, comes from Ayrshire – the land of Burns, Wallace, Bruce and numerous other Scottish icons.

Ayrshire was a hotbed of the covenanting tradition in the 17th century. Inconveniently, the covenanters were rabidly anti-catholic. To the modern ear they can only ever come across as sectarian fanatics.

But the important thing to remember was that their later cause came from the
conscience of the common people, not the landed elites, not their religious pastors, but from their own consciences.

They were the first among the lower orders to question, test and reject the motives of their alleged social betters and superiors.

And more importantly, they made up their own minds based on their own debates.

One of the last acts of the independent Scottish Parliament in 1670 was the Act Against Conventicles – unauthorised religious gatherings.

This Act, passed by Scots against Scots, has resonance with todays Offensive Behaviour at Football and Threatening Communications Act.

Both were heinous, ill thought out, and mostly unworkable.

Their only true success was in uniting large swathes of the Scottish population against the parliamentary authorities due to their blatant and transparent injustice.

So, when the likes of Joan McArthyalpine bang on about how great we are, it’s worth looking at the subtext.

Nationalists, no matter how ‘civic’ or ‘progressive’ or dedicated to ‘Scottish values’ they appear to be, are always worth the watching.

Give them an inch, they’ll take a mile.

For the chip on shooder brigade they are a godsend.

For the more discerning, they’ll drive a divisive wedge through the heart of the country which will take a long time to heal.

No matter the outcome of the Neverendum, it is imperative that those able to consider a wider picture, should reject the Nationalist agenda at every opportunity.

COMEDY RELIEF