Monthly Archives: June 2013

Firstminster Salmond to go where he likes in an Independent Skintland

Normal rules will not apply to Firstminster Salmond in an independent Skintland it has been claimed, following an alleged security and protocol breach at a school in Aberdeenshire recently.

"I've played so many historical characters because most horrible dictators are short, fat, middle-aged men." -  Bob Hoskins. Coming soon, The Neverendum, starring Bob Hoskins as Firstminster Salmond.

“I’ve played so many historical characters because most horrible dictators are short, fat, middle-aged men.” – Bob Hoskins. Coming soon, ‘The Neverendum’, starring Bob Hoskins as Firstminster Salmond.

By Naked Rambler

FIRSTMINSTER SALMOND will be able to go wherever he likes whenever he likes in an independent Skintland it has been revealed.

The plans, already in place for schools in Aberdeenshire, are expected to be rolled out in honour of a miraculous Neverendum victory post September 2014.

But the plans have been bitterly opposed by backstabbers, traitors and Stockholmed Syndromed civil liberty types, still clinging to the outdated belief that people should be free to ignore the anointed Firstminster if they so choose.

According to a new draft bill the ‘Salmond Can Go Where He Chooses Act’, the Firstminster will be given the keys to the country.

In essence, the Five Pensioned Firstminster will have the constitutional right, enshrined in plasticine parliamentary law, to go where he wants, when he wants.

No one will have the right to refuse the Firstminster access.

The Act, which has already witnessed a Pilot run in an Aberdeenshire school, has elicited fierce and bitter ‘loser’ complaints from Quislings and anti-SNP types.

Quinten Labour-Torybasa, of the Outmoded Political Standards Committee said: “I was in my kitchen preparing my favourite curry when a voice from behind me advised me that I should add more coconut milk.

“It was Five Pensions Salmond flaunting his culinary wad at me. I nearly added too much cumin in surprise.”

Other horror stories of the Firstminster’s freedom rambling have involved couples in the act of lovemaking suddenly being advised to “slow down” and “use a smooth touch” or people in the bath receiving suggestions that they should “use more bubble bath”.

Freedom loving, protocol ignoring, rule rewriting spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.

“The Salmond Can Go Where He Chooses Act will ensure that people will hear this anytime any place.”

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Forth crossing name to be announced in honour of Firstminster’s five pensions

It’s unnecessary, it’s overly costly, it’s been hailed as a success for ‘competent’ SNP government and now it’s to be named in honour of the Firstminster and his five pensions. AhDinnaeKen takes a look at the proposed new names in honour of the anointed one.

"One man's folly is another man's vanity project" - Five Pensions Salmond

“One man’s folly is another man’s vanity project” – Five Pensions Salmond

By Big Spender

THE OFFICIAL name for the road bridge being built over the Firth of Forth will be announced in honour of Five Pensions Salmond today.

He will visit the construction site to revel in narcissism and a deep gratifying sense of self worth.

The results of a public vote by 0.6 per cent of the Skintish population who expressed disinterest are as follows:

Firstminster’s Folly – the costs, tendering and pandering to human rights friendly China could yet hing the Five Pensioned one.

Salmond’s Vanity Project – the SNP’s anointed one has a pathological need to be seen doing things that are in the Skints alleged best interests. As has become increasingly clear, this new project is of dubious necessity.

Bloater Bridge – in high winds the bridge is designed to move, or wobble. Such wobbling will remind canny Skints of the Firstminster and his strikingly bloated and wobbly profile.

The Nationalist Nightmare – as budgetary information and the invevitable overspend seeps, by osmosis, into the Skintish public’s consciousness, wiser Nats will be hoping that the info can be kicked into the other side of the 18th September 2014. Otherwise their Neverendum credibility could be ground into the dust.

The White Elephant – A favourite of the Greengoes Party and quite rightly so. According to Bitter Nation’s Jimbob MacKenzie, “Scotland may well be stuck with the most expensive white elephant since the Darien Project.”

Indeed! Whatever self aggrandising name the Five Pensioned one decides to call the bridge, you can be guaranteed that everyone in Skintland loses.

Ho hum!

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Voting No? Prepare for more positive scaremongering

MOAN isn’t convinced by Firstminster Salmond’s scaremongering expansion strategy. She believes trying to stay positive too early could have a devastating effect on the Neverendum’s chances.
Moan McVulpine Banner
By Moan McVulpineGetting shriller and uglier by the day

BEING STRAIGHT with voters is a good thing, obviously.

It’s sensible to give them the facts and let them decide on the merits of your argument. Providing your argument has substance, that is.

While being straight is all very well, there are limits. Nobody would expect voters to upset the apple cart based on an escapist abstract constitutional concept.

Nor would they expect you to stick your head in the sand while shouting la la la la la.

If you become ill due to Type-2 Independinites, you’ll end up in even more trouble and could go nuts.

That more or less sums up Firstminster Salmond’s lifeboat escape strategy from the hated Westmonster.

It’s like a man who bets not only his ain hoose on a long shot, but bets on everyone else’s future’s as well – just to prove a point.

Let’s be clear, most voters are proud of their country – just like most voters are proud of their houses, their gardens and their motor cars.

Most of the world’s leading economies are powered by people proud of their country.

It’s how you manage that pride which matters.

If you highlight enemies around which your people can unite that could be called tribalism.

Nationalism, by contrast, ramps up the tribalism and kills debate stone deid.

It means enemies must be shouted down, labelled, vilified and dehumanised. If you can’t win by positivity – which, according to the polls, Indy can’t – you might win by fear.

So the Yes Campaign’s launch of Project Feartie is likely to have the opposite effect of what was intended.

In 2011, Firstminster Salmond predicted that the Indy campaign would be a positive campaign. Now he is calling his opponents/enemies “Bitter Together” and “scaremongers” as a matter of course. Positive campaigning? You decide.

Bella Caledonication’s Kevin Williamsonoforange – an amnesiac Butcher’s Apron Burner – has entered into Project Feartie with relish.

His artistically positive site, dedicated to the belief that Skintland is populated with “inferiorists”, “colonists” and “turncoats” ramped up the ahem, ‘positivity’.

He concluded an alleged essay entitled ‘Reasons To Be Cheerful… Parts 1, 2 and 3’ in this manner:

“The future of the UK has been laid bare this weekend. It’s an unappeasing and remorselessly bleak future of widening inequality, crushing poverty, painful austerity and indiscriminate surveillance of the people.”

I don’t know about you, but I just pi**ed mahsel wi’ fear – in a cringing, materialistic, inferiorist, turncoat manner of course.

Good ‘positive campaigning’ stuff coming from the Deputy Chair of the Scottish Independence Convention Kakistocracy Objectives (SICKO).

And anti-Scotsfinder General Joan McCarthyalpine laps it all up.

In this week’s Daily Ranger she echoes the sentiment, concluding her weekly diatribe: “At least now we know the consequences of voting no in 2014.

“More cuts, more suffering the UK’s bad medicine.”

Now that’s what I call positive campaigning!

COMEDY RELIEF

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Independinites: Spin doctors warn on amputation risk

Spin doctors outline the dangers of the not so new independinites disease. AhDinnaeKen reports:

"Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind." - Albert Einstein.

“Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind.” – Albert Einstein.

By Indy Lite

SKINTLAND IS in the grip of an escapist epidemic. The consequence of this is Type-2 independinites, a freedom-related and economy-threatening condition.

According to polls, a million people in Skintland are affected by it.

Professor John Poultice of Scratchcard Univeristy has worked as a ubiquitous commentator on the symptoms for more than 300 years.

He says: “We’ve had an almost 0% increase in Type-2 independinites in the past 300 years of campaigning.

“We’ve gone from about 1 million in 1707 to almost 1 million in 2013.

“Now we are failing to see it in younger and younger people. People around 16 to 17 are proving remarkably immune, if not bored sh**less, with the constant drone of the sub-standard disease.”

The consequences of an independinites diagnosis are stark – defencelessness, pension failure, full on delusion and if all else succeeds, amputation fae the Union.

Suffer the militant windae brekkers
Thirty years ago Dim Sillars, fae Govan, was a succesful politician and demagogue, often using his rhetorical skills as material for his risible independence assertions.

He was diagnosed with Type-2 independinites and a general election led to him gettin’ kicked oot o’ parliament.

Dim says that when the voters told him they didnae want his disease any more “it was like having my patriotic heart ripped oot.”

“I could not take it in,” he says.

“I have lost an election, my credibility, my party and my faith in the 90 minute Nationalists masquerading as Skints.

“It is tortuous and painful and feels never ending – and it’s all Firstminster Salmond’s fault, his responsibility.”

Dim is 102 and was diagnosed in his 30s.

Early diagnosis often means that sufferers hit out at non-sufferers, frequently labelling them ‘traitor’ or ‘quisling’ or ‘sell oot’ or ‘inferiorist’ or ‘collaborator’.

The name calling is usually published online and is directed at anyone not suffering from the Type-2 independinites disease.

Independinites UK’s Skintish director Whitwho Whereson wants the condition to be made a clinical national priority:

“People sometimes talk about the Type-2 independinites time bomb and the way I see that now is that it is almost like the balloon has burst and there is that beat or two before everyone goes back to normal.

“So we have got a moment right now where we can tackle independinites symptoms and if we don’t grab that then the consequences for people in Skintland could be severely repetitive and result in more of the same for the next 300 years.”

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Filed under Culture, Referendum, Treachery

Indy traffic light system to be rolled out

Poll after poll of Skintish public opinion consistently shows that there is an urgent need for more clarity in the arguments provided by both sides of the debate – particularly the Nationalist side, as the onus is on them to do the real convincing. AhDinnaeKen takes a look at the new proposed traffic light system for the increasingly confusing ‘big turnoff’ currently being mooted as debate in Skintland.

The SNPs recent assertions on pensions, payments and shared administration was put to the traffic light test recently. This was the result.

The SNP assertions on pensions, payments and shared administration was put to the traffic light test recently. This was the result from a 100kg weighting.

By Troofis Ootthere

A NEW consistent system of political front-of-speech assertion labelling is to be introduced in Skintland, the Electoral Commission says.

A combination of colour coding and assertion information will be used to show how much barefaced lies, horseshit, fantasy and credibility are in each assertion spouted by pro-Independence politicians.

The announcement comes after 300 years of debate about the issue and has been welcomed by electoral groups.

Jock McAverage of the Bored Shitless with Indy Campaign said: “A quality campaign involves substance, not just the stereotypical Barnum statement pro-Scotland soundbites we have heard so far, but where is the all important detail?

“The first casualty of any political campaign is the truth, so we welcome this traffic light system to help the 16/17 year old weans trying to make sense of the increasingly laughable pish spouted by both sides – particularly the SNP.

“The system is easy to understand and should help everyone, particularly the weans, to come to a satisfactory conclusion about how amateur the whole debate has been so far.”

Jock McAverage, 301, is a snivelling cowardly pro-Union Tory quisling BritNat traitor turncoat who has been bought and sold for English basturt gold.

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Moan McVulpine: The SNP are squeezing councils till they squeal

Moan puts forward the view that the SNP are the champions of populism, evasion and taking the Skints for mugs, and says that an Independent Skintland under the Nats would be ‘more of the same’ only more so.

Moan McVulpine - delivering collateral damage every time she speaks

By Moan McVulpineDespising the Skints she openly deceives

THEY WERE branded “Tartan Tories” when first given a whiff of power – and for good reason.

The freezing of Council Tax is seen as a populist victory for the SNP – a symbol of ‘civic progressiveness”.

But, like the Tory Tories in the South, the SNP are devoted to centralising power over local democracy. He who controls the purse strings etc etc.

You can harry and quibble over the bawbees that poor people save from the SNP cooncil tax freeze. But the better off save more – in ‘trickle down‘ terms, of course.

And those savings, no matter how you spin them, ultimately hurt services and the people who most need them – the poor, the old, the vulnerable and the average.

But, socially just compassion aside, people have a wee bit more money in their pocket and that’s worth hammering home – just like the Tory Tory council tax freezers in England do.

Tartan Tories, Tory Tories, they’re aw in it the gither Tories.

Most average people struggle to buy a bottle of Pinot Grigio these days because, in the real world, it isn’t subsidised by the taxpayer.

Gas and electricity bills are soaring thanks to the wind farm subsidies so highly prized, exploited and supported by Firstminster Windbag Salmond. It’s been estimated that the average leccy bill has more than £100 per annum slapped on top thanks to the windbag subsidy.

Whit diz that tell ye aboot the SNP’s commitment to helping the poor and saving the Skints money? Answers written in crayon to SNP central please.

Recent research has shown average households across Skintland have seen their outgoings rise by a staggering £2,400 since 2007 – coincidence or magic that that’s when the SNP were first voted into power in the Plasticine Parliament? I think we should be told.

The real reason the SNP have imposed such austerity cuts on councils and their workforce is simple. It undermines local accountability and gives the centralising SNP government more power and influence over decisions they really should butt out on.

The Nationalists cannot help their centralising tendencies – ask the polis, the fire brigade, and the justice system.

For Wee Ecky’s Indy vanity project to have had a real chance, they really needed to do better at the last council elections.

That his centralising party didn’t has only highlighted the real double billed reason for sustaining the council tax freeze: it sidelines local powerbases and minimises their influence.

So with the control of one very limited tax, the Skintish Government  has made a difference to thousands of potential votes.

Imagine what the SNP could do if the Plasticine Parliament controlled all of the taxes in Skintland?

It doesn’t bear thinking about.

COMEDY RELIEF

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That Wiz the Week that Wiznae #4

A sharp lesson in basic blogging for AhDinnaeKen this week – a lesson which might result in less posts due to increased time taken in preparation and the possible disappearance of the site altogether. Ho hum! They may take my time, they may take my money, but they’ll never take my ffrreeddoomm™!!

"Whollyrude is geared toward teenage idiocy." - Sam Shepherd.

“Whollyrude is geared toward teenage idiocy.” – Longshanker.

By Longshanker

Monday June 10: Roary Bremner discovers that in pre-Neverendum Skintland ‘we do humour differently here’.

Roary concluded that the Skintish plasticine parliament is foo' o' tumshies and cabbages.

Roary concluded that the Skintish plasticine parliament is foo’ o’ tumshies and cabbages.

COMIC SATIRIST Roary Bremner tells the Daily Ranger that most Skint voters can name six vegetables but only two MSPs.

AhDinnaeKen asks, how do you tell the difference?

The comedian also noted that the usual rules of comedy satire engagement don’t appear to apply in planet Skintland either.

Make a joke about a politician in England or rUK, it’s taken as fair game. Make a joke about a SNP politician in Skintland and ‘yer talkin’ yer country doon’.

Most telling for the Nats is the perception that, as Bremner’s later documentary mostly proved, the Neverendum is generally viewed as a one man band vanity project, even within the confines of Edinborrow’s population itself.

Sun King Salmond may be the most recognised and recognisable politician in Skintland, but the rest of his MSPs and entourage barely register with anything more than the strength of a silent fart on the richter scale.

Ho hum Roary! Tell us something we don’t know already – farty pants.

Summed Up: As the viewing of the later TV programme revealed, Roary Bremner can find comedy gold anywhere, but it was distinctly lean fare that emerged fae his visit tae the Athens o’ the North for the Edinborrow born comedian.

Tuesday June 11: Pension Union mooted by Sturgeon for ‘Independence within the United Kingdom’ remit.

Johann Lamont asks the SNP to point out the guy whose job Sturgeon is now doing.

Johann Lamont asks the SNP to point out the guy whose job Sturgeon is now doing.

AhdinnaeKen goes into Gerry Hussar mode over the announcement that a post independence Skintland will share administration of pensions, DWP payments etc with the basturt English.

Despite it being perceived as a confession that pensions will likely fail  under independent conditions, AhDinnaeKen’s concern lies wi’ the tumshie in charge o’ breaking the news and fielding the inevitable mockery – Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon.

It seems that there is no beginning of endings to her talents. Not only is she entrusted with Piggy Eyed Patsy Alex Kneel’s Infrastructure remit, she’s also in charge of governmental strategy and constitutional issues, pantsonfire fighting and now, following the Independence within the UK pension declaration, has to deal with John Swindley’s Financial backstabbing remit also.

Phew! Whenever the guys mess up, ye kin trust the women tae take care o’ business. Or can ye?

Summed Up: There’s a proverb aboot eggs and baskets and whit you shid dae with they eggs. Sun King Salmond should beware. Following the latest pensions pronouncement and consequent shaky defence, Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon is looking increasingly like an overstacked basket case.

Wednesday June 12: Legal issues and profitless blogs – a warning

The new look AhDinnaeKen. If we* can afford to stay open.

The new look AhDinnaeKen. If we* can afford to stay open.

AhDinnaeKen gets hit with a behind the scenes claim which, depending on the outcome may see us have to close AhdinnaeKen’s pages forever. It’s oor ain fawt and pairt o’ the reason for the negligence is to do with a dangerous combination of idiocy and ignorance.

We* immediately Dealt with one part of the request but seek verification for others. We*’d like to keep the blog going, but if it has to close, ho hum, we*’ll start another more compliant but just as cheeky site.

Summed up: The person who contacted us is entirely correct and we only hope that a sense of fairness will prevail after a few other details are ironed oot.

Thursday June 13: “My God! You’re more dangerous than I thought!” BBC Question Time.

Narrow ethnic Nationalist  gets a sharp lesson in broadcasting from a professional British Brainwasher.

Narrow ethnic Nationalist gets a sharp lesson in broadcasting from a professional British Brainwasher.

Allegedly objective journalist, Lesley Pibroch, shows her true colours when narrow Nationalist chip on shooderdom shows its ugly face on the British Brainwashing Corporation’s Question Time.

Furst strike nuclear umbrella SNP attack poodle, Angus Robberson, claims a lack of “parity” on the show. He chides the BBC for its imbalance claiming that in a fully ‘levered’ Skintland, Nationalists would not be “mucked around” in such a fashion. Ooer!

Dimblebot put Robberson in his place, slapping him doon like a petulant wean who huz tae wait his turn at the tuckshop queue – reminding him sharply that poncey politicians do not set the agenda of the imperialistic and biased BBC.

Gorgeous George Galloway chipped in with a suitably sanctimonious, and substantially correct indefatigably democratic point of principle that “all of us have the right to speak” no matter oor nationality.

Pibroch overrode the Gorgeous one claiming that that “was not the point”, the UKIPPERs had only achieved 0.28 percent support in Skintland and therefore had no right to be on a Skintish based Question Time.

AhdinnaaeKen asked, ‘Who the f**k are these people?’ Making Gorgeous George sound like the voice of reason; FFS, get a grip Lesley.

Later, Nigel Farago hit the nail squarely on the heid. Sitting beside Pibroch, following her tirade in support of Robberson’s censorious assertions, he said:  “My God. You’re more dangerous than I thought.”

Summed Up: Question Time is a national television programme, not a narrow ethnically defined Nationalist television programme. Long may that continue.

Friday June 14: Kenny Gibbon – Still Game fir a laff

Some Nationalists need to get a sense of perspective implant. Ye couldnae make this stuff up.

Some Nationalists need to get a sense of perspective implant. Ye couldnae make this stuff up.

Winston fae ‘Still Game’ soundalike, vegetable and MSP, Kenny Gibbon, tries tae grab a piece o’ the grievance, paranoia and chip on the shooder Question Time action – tae show how much o’ ah full on patriotic ethno-Nationalist he well and truly isnae.

Sitting on the kludgie, he passes the following motion:

“That the Plasticine Parliament notes with glee BBC Question Time’s approach to Skintland; that in its occasional forays into Skintland, the programme should try and forget that Skintish Neverendum style grievance confirmation politics bores English, Welsh, Northern Irish and Skintish viewers to death. That having the Greengoes and Lib-Bents on board would make the programme eminently more worthy and about as entertaining as a yummy mummy going on and on about her little baby’s bowel movements.”

His motion, recorded in the Skintish Nationalist Party website, reads like the meanderings of a blind and deaf aspergers sufferer with learning difficulties – minus the clarity and insight.

Summed Up: As the real Winston fae Still Game might say tae his MSP vegetable Winston soundalike: “Get it right up ye – arsehole!”

Saturday June 15: Celtic brotherhood? Think again Skintland

O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us. To see oursels as ithers see us!

O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us.
To see oursels as ithers see us!

An insightful Irish Times piece, written by Paul Gillespie, gives a sharp reminder of the potential rUK/Irish repercussions after a break up of these sceptered isles.

A telling second last paragraph considers some of the logical follow on consequences of a struggling rUK coming to terms with its new Skintlandless identity: unification of Northern and Southern Ireland would be put on the agenda, England would be more likely to go it alone by ditching Wales and Northern Ireland and the whole of the region would become that little bit more unstable resulting in who knows what.

The piece implies that the Irish Republic could be the dog snapping at the Skints heels in order to attract inward investment and the elephant in the room would always be an injured England seeking ways to reassert its severely damaged sense of identity and purpose – a dangerous period for any heavily militarised country.

Summed Up: As the McCrone report clearly states: It’s difficult to imagine an England without access to oil revenues ending up in ‘dire financial straits’. Would you really want to force that on them when the world stands on the brink of a deadly Middle Eastern war?

Sunday June 16: It’s not really a Sunday story, but Ho Hum, it made us laugh 🙂

TWTWTW 16 Jun 05 Euan Wanker Name

Euan McColm evokes a multitude of reactions from the Twitterati and newspaper reading publics alike – not all of them good.

He can always be relied upon to say something outrageously funny, insightful or morally reprehensible – quite often all three.

As we* saw this on Sunday, we decided to stick it here.

Summed Up: We* love shameless self-publicist talk.

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