WANGS OVER Scotland bigmouth and editor ‘Reverend’ Stuart Campbell became the first to take part in a fawningly embarrassing series in CommonSpace recently. Campbell is an honest kid. He’s so honest it’s untrue. Here’s what he said ‘off the record’ when the right-on mostly ignored lefties of Commonspace had had their anodyne way with him:
By Sicko Phant – Official suck up and public relations etymologist
When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
We wanted to be like normal children, you know with brothers and sisters and subservient friends with lots of dinner money to play with. But the other kids were all cunts and didn’t want to play with us after we quite reasonably pointed out our empirically researched, cited and referenced facts of why they were all cunts. People are so stupid and ungrateful when presented with the truth.
After our mother had had us, she said “no more, truly this boy is the Second Coming. Let him go forth and purify the earth – or Bathgate at least – of fuckwits, retards, cunts, morons, dickheads, arseholes, thickos and really really stupid people.
And that has been our mission in life since. You wouldn’t believe the amount of people out there who actually have the gall and arrogance to disagree and argue with us.
Who is your hero and why?
Stuart Campbell. Because he murdered that kid, meaning we got the great idea to call ourselves Reverend in the 90s. At least, that’s the story we’re sticking to.
What’s your favourite song?
‘You’re going to get your fucking head kicked in’ as sung on the terraces during our armchair football supporting days. We regularly sang it to all the primary school kids who dared contradict our choice of best pocketeer games in the eighties. Acting on the message of the lyrics soon made them see the error of their ways.
What are you scared of?
Fuck all! But if we were scared of anything, it would be getting found out and exposed for our hypocrisy. Take our public pronouncements over being unashamed of anything we’ve ever written – and then having to delete the guff we wrote about our tragically unsuccessful attempt at taking Future Publishing to the cleaners for ripping off our copyrighted material. Embarrassing or what? And then that thick cunt Longshanker dug up our claim that we had worked with “rape victims”. He plundered our old World of Stuart forum – which we were so proud of – so we had to close it down so no other fuckwit could read it because we were so unashamed of it.
Which is better: Stuart Campbell or Reverend Stuart Campbell or Wings Over Scotland or Edge of Heaven or Darius Burst or Hoots McCrivvens?
Any of the above except Darius Burst and Edge of Heaven and Hoots McCrivvens – Natch!; they represent our dark side where we were so stupid, technically illiterate and overbearingly arrogant that we got caught impersonating others through our IP address. Still, we never learn. Ask the Wikipedia editors and their cock editors who don’t believe in Fairplay – fucking Nazis!
Which is better: Throwing your toys out of the pram or acting like a crybaby?
It depends on context. Throwing your toys out of the pram is good and proper when cretinous thicko retards like K**** H**** and K*** H****ns appear on telly or start jobs working with the Scottish Government. Acting like a crybaby is better when democratic votes in parliament don’t go the way we wants them to. Why wouldn’t you want to burn down Holyrood? It’s half full of fucking unionists anyway.
You’re on a desert island, you can take one person, one book and one type of food. Who would you take, which book and which food?
You’re just trying to get us to tell you what we get up to with the sepa-rats aren’t you? NICE TRY FUCKWITS!
The best book ever written, and the one we’ve read most often, is the Wee Blue Book, but it would be a bit boring and irrelevant for an independent desert island so we’d probably go for Mein Kampf – something with depth, relevance and the odd touch of humour, not to mention searing insight into how to deal with the so called Mainstream Media and Unionists. Pro-tip: they’re not called Unionists in Mein Kampf.
And Jelly Babies, of course. As long as they’ve had their heads kicked in in the manner we likes.
When have you been wrong about something?
Would you like a list?
What really makes you angry?
Liars. Almost everything we’ve done with our life has been based on lies, embellishment of lies and lying falsehood. From pretending to be other people, to claiming other people are other people, to claiming unique users as unique readers, we are the liars liar. Most liars are only half hearted about it because they don’t have the commitment to believe their own lies. We knows our lies are the truth. And that’s a lie.
What really makes you happy?
Millions of things. Popping stupid kids ‘No Thanks’ balloons is a goer. Telling people to fuck off on Twitter. Killing things in virtual reality or real virtuality (we gets the two mixed up all the time). Getting switched off and back on again. Flirting with homosexuals because we are most definitely not fucking homosexuals. Swearing like a man. Castigating limp wristed swearers who block their f***ing swearing with asterisks.
I’m pretty much happy at anything which causes fuckwits and thickos any modicum of discomfort.
If you could spend an hour with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and what would you ask them?
Charlene Tilton of Dallas fame. We thinks she is undeserving of the term “poison dwarf”. We believes we are the true heirs to that crown. We would wear “poison dwarf” with pride. We are the most poisonous dwarf this side of The Circus in Bath.
If you met David Cameron today what would you say to him?
You might have been adventurous with a dead pig. You don’t even know you’ve lived until you’ve tried it with a live rat.
Photo courtesy of Photoshop and Greg Noodie