Monthly Archives: February 2012

First they came for the Journalists

By Auntie Scott

SCOTTISH Natsie Party “heavies” are trying to intimidate the media, Lord Neimoller Steel of Torchwood, the former Bloodyrude presiding gauleiter, claimed last night as he girned at how Scotchland was becoming like a one-party state.

The bellyrumble from the ex-LibBent leader restoked the stramash over Mein Fuhrer Salmond’s previous non-appearance at a BBC Murrayfield Rally.

Earlier this month, Mein Fuhrer Salmond was involved in a stooshie with the BBC forces of Unionist Conspiracy efter he was telt “Naw! We don’t want the likes o’ you on the Telescreen.”.

Mein Fuhrer Salmond spat the dummy, went aff his heid and described the BBC as “Unionist reactionary terrorists”.  His opponents accused him of being “bloody right.”, adding: “Ha Ha. Get it right up ye big man. They’re on oor side richt enough – get ower it.”.  The BBC forces of Unionist Conspiracy said Mein Fuhrer Salmond had demanded a divine right to appear but, in the interests of secularism and protection of biasedness, they had to decline.

However, the Big Bloodyrude Cooncil accused the ‘Unionist reactionary terrorists’ of “gettin it aw rang” and pointed to the divine right of Mein Fuhrer to get whit he wants when he wants it.

During a diminuition of the Scotchland Bill last night, Noble Neimoller told peers: “When I switched on the Telescreen that Saturday, there was enough pish on view without Mein Fuhrer Salmond adding his particular blend.  He should be concentrating on his next present for Propaganda Minister Goebbels Murdoch.”.

The LibBent peer added: “We’re being telt that to be anti-SNP is to be anti-Scotch. If that means being anything like the SNP, then thank f**k I’m anti-Scotch.”  Referring to the stooshie, Noble Neimoller said:  “Other broadcasters have said this experience wisnae unique and that SNP brown shirts have made mare threatenin’ caws tae propaganda rooms throughoot the country than all the Unionist conspirators pit thegither.”.

His Labourer colleague, Lord von Foulkesake foamed that some people now recognise Mein Fuhrer Salmond as the new ‘messiah’ come to deliver ‘God’s chosen people’ from the forces of Unionyptian oppression.”

Wee Naebudy, spokesperson of the SNP said  hee haw because he wisnae asked – which in the interests of balance is jist aboot richt.

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Filed under Culture, Media, Newspeak

Windy Salmond gives Master Baker a blow job

By Derty Cant

This is a fight, a magical fight, wound up and ready to play.

But this fight can hide a secret inside.

Can you guess who’s in for it today?

Windy has a great view of all the unprotected special coastline ripped up by Master Baker Trumpton.

MASTER Baker Donaldan Trumpton is very cross today. Windy Salmond has moved his windmill to the seaside. And Master Baker Trumpton doesn’t like it one bit. He says that Windy is spoiling his view. But Windy is very proud of his windmill. No one will make him change anything. Have a drink of cider Windy says to Master Baker Trumpton. Windy would like to make his own cider. If only the Big Bad Unionists would let him.

Master Baker Trumpton doesn’t want cider today. He wants all of Windy’s flour. Windy is only allowed to make flour. Master Baker Trumpton uses Windy’s flour to make bread. Lot’s of bread. He says a mill by the sea will spoil his chance to make even more bread. Master Baker Trumpton makes Windy laugh. This makes Master Baker Trumpton angry. “I’m going to sue Camberscot Green” says Master Baker Trumpton. And he says Mr Cheeky CATS is with him. Windy laughs. He knows that irony was never Master Baker Trumpton’s strong point.

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Filed under Children, Environment

Government under pressure over McNaeskill appeal claim

By Widge Believeit

THE SCOTTISH Government is under pressure to explain claims that they advised the minister convicted of freeing a dieing Libyan prisoner.

The allegation levelled against the Government and denied by the minister – Canny McNaeskill – is contained in a new book, entitled ‘McNaeskill – Aye Ye Did Dae It Ya Rocket’.

In it, McNaeskill greets that he was: “…the victim of scunner hand politics, a Big Bad Unionist conspiracy, and anything else that might sound remotely plausible”.

It also whines on about new evidence it says ‘hundae even been thought aboot until the Frown Office made an arse of things’.

The Government is claimed to have made the offer of advise to McNaeskill during a fag break at the Big Holyrood Cooncil.

Scottish LibBent leader, Willie Wontie, called on McNaeskill and the Right Reverend King Alex of Salmond to make a statement to the Big Holyrood Cooncil. He gloated: “Allegations that we’re gonnae make hay with this are well founded. We’re desperate to get wan ower ye’s and this gie’s us a chance. Stick that in yer kilt and get it right up ye’s.”.

Tory Guide leader Truth Gotyason said: “This is staggering. No sooner do I lose sight of my line in the sand when this chance appears on the horizon allowing me to be both opportunistic and outraged. Result.”.

Scottish Labour’s Itsaninjustice spokesman, Whois McDonut, said: “Mr McNaeskill must know that it’s Scottish Labour who should have made this mistake. We’re the natural party for f**k ups of this magnitude.”.

The new book details previously unheard of evidence that McNaeskill has also voted SNP, drunk alcohol, and shouted ‘Come on Scotland’ while watching international football.

Optimus Prime, Bullingdon Dave, described the book “as in insult to all Westminster Parliamentarians who don’t get the opportunity to crush those rebellious Jocks safely ensconced up there in Breastyland.”

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Filed under Diplomacy, Media, Newspeak

Dunderheid Gets Skelped Over Scotland

By Hate Blinded-Idiot

They avoid them here, they avoid them there

Those Cybernats are everywhere

Whit part did ye no understand?

The brave new warriors of the Caledonian race

Even when they’re left with egg on their face

CHECK oot the above rocket heid nipper. He maintains an argument with an experienced Guardian politico journo over the subject of a twitter sentence.

The crux of the article in question is contained in this paragraph:

“The front page story, described as a “world exclusive” about the “Day of Destiny”, was followed by a short article by the first minister applauding Murdoch’s decision to launch the paper.”

AhDinnaeKen admits we’re ignorant regarding the politics of independence. Indeed, that’s why we DinnaeKen. But even we’re not so ignorant that we cannae spot a dunderheid when we see one. If ‘…a short article by the first minister applauding Murdoch’s decision…’ isn’t an ‘endorsement’ then maybe there’s a chance that King Alex only visited Dirty Digger Murdoch 25 times to discuss how many rounds of golf they’d like to play with Combover Trump.

Check oot the full Guardian article here:

We welcome pithy/canny phrases which would sum up this eejit’s interpretation of English.

For example:

Cybernat gets erse embarrassingly skelped by Englishman.

You can’t make omelettes when the egg is all over your face.

What’s the point of wings when you cannae even fly?

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Filed under Children, CyberNats, Media, Newspeak, Wangs Watch

Launch is Bad News

A proclamation by King Alex to the noble and venerated souls of Auld Alba

I’m delighted to see the new edition of the Scottish Scum hit the streets today.

At a time when the media sector – and my party as a whole – faces tough times, it’s great to see a vote of confidence in the Scottish National Party.

This lavy-paper brings the prospect of more votes and more security to those already in Cabinet.

The Sunday edition of the Scottish Scum is born of shameful and tough times in the Newscorp industry.

The Inralavyson inquiry is, rightly exposing some of the practices which have led to this lavy-paper’s elder sister being flushed doon the pan.

But the questions the probe is looking at relate to constitutional crisis, corruption at the highest level, James Murdoch’s memory loss, and cover ups of staggering proportions.

As I quite rightly said to Auld Nick Sturgeon: “Nuthin tae dae wi’ me hen.”.

And at a time when it has become all too easy for politicians to cast auld Rupert adrift, it’s worth remembering the good his lavy-papers can do for me and – by association – you an’ aw.

The Scottish Scum’s campaign to help oppressed Scots “Rise and be a Nation again” is just one example.

The risks journalist face were brought home this week when ‘swamp draining’ and expense claim auditing were undertaken at fortress Wapping.

At its best, journalism salutes, hallows and shines a light on Scottish Nationalist achievements. It’s vital for a healthy democracy.

That’s why today is an important day not just for Scottish Nationalists but for Scottish plebians as a whole.

Murdoch’s newest Sunday paper will be a reeky and insidious addition in a nation that has an insatiable appetite for  newspeak.

The Abolition of Slavery referendum in Autumn 2014 will be the chance for the whole country to GET IT UP THEM.

The Scottish Scum will play a vested interest in this mediocre debate on our future.

So don’t be sceptical, cynical or reasonable concerning the first ever edition of Scotland’s most ominous Sunday lavy-paper – trust me instead.

I look forward to repaying Rupert’s ever more generous gifts in the  weeks and months to come.



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Filed under Culture, CyberNats, Media, Newspeak

World Exclusive – Day of Ignominy

SCOTLAND’S date with ignominy was FEBRUARY 26 2012 – the momentous day when the Scottish Nationalists threw in their lot with the Murdoch press.

AhDinnaeKen on Sunday can reveal that this action breaks a 100-second-old tradition by disrespecting the population and parliament.

Last night a Scottish Government source said: “This is an historic occasion for all Scotch Nationalists.”

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Filed under Culture, CyberNats, Media, Newspeak, Uncategorized