Following revelations that ALS pet bunnies are providing interpretation services for the Ministry of Justice, AhDinnaeKen calls upon their expertise to interpret the Tory language used at the Scottish Conservative Party conference currently being held in Troon.
The last time the proud Tory language was properly understood in Scotland was around 1970
By Whitdid Yesay
ETONIAN FAGHAMMER, Bullingdon Dave, rallied the Tory troops today in order to build morale for the defence of the realm against Nationalistic terrorists intent on destroying the fabric of society.
As the Etonian Faghammer speaks an archaic form of Tory, not understood in Jockoland since 1979, we have gone to no expense in order to assist readers with what was actually said on the day:
Bullingdon Dave: It’s not always easy being a Conservative in Scotland.
Bunny: The Jocks hate us.
Bullingdon Dave: And we’ve pledged a decisive referendum that for the first time has got Alex Salmond on the back foot.
Bunny: Slobodan Salmond wants a second question on Devo max and he’s not getting it.
Bullingdon Dave: The future of this party – let’s be frank – We aren’t where we want to be in Scotland. We are nowhere near it.
Bunny: The Jocks are never going to forgive us for Mrs Thatcher. We might as well stick it to them while there’s oil.
Bullingdon Dave: This could be our moment – if we are bold enough – to come back stronger.
Bunny: Our capacity for self delusion knows no bounds.
Bullingdon Dave: This is a distinctively Scottish Party. With it’s head, it’s heart, it’s soul right here in Scotland.
Bunny: The real Conservative party is in England, where it properly belongs.
Bullingdon Dave: This is a passionately patriotic party. A party that knows a love for Scotland and a belief in the union can go hand in hand.
Bunny: We have every intention of holding on to Scottish oil.
Bullingdon Dave: Most crucially. We must show how our values chime with the values of people all over Scotland.
Bunny: Try and take us on and we’ll kick your heads in.
Bullingdon Dave: Now to demonstrate, we have a distinctive party in Scotland, there can be no better person to lead than Ruth.
Bunny: I will not hesitate to humiliate her when it suits my big bad unionist purposes.
Bullingdon Dave: And we’ve got to show too, that a love of scotland does not belong to one party. For too long we have let the SNP claim ownership of patriotism. The saltire is the flag of a proud nation not the symbol of one political party.
Bunny: I’m completely sconnered by the number of Braveheart Commandos not able to make this simple distinction. Are all you Jocks thick or what?
Bullingdon Dave: This isn’t an abusive relationship, it is a partnership for liberty for security for prosperity. Scotland is better off in Britain.
Bunny: Joan McAlpine! What a rocket – eh?
Bullingdon Dave: So my message to the First minister is this; stop dithering and start delivering. Let’s give the Scottish people the chance to make a clear choice about their future.
Bunny: I could take you in a fight any day of the week ya pie.
Bullingdon Dave: The time for timidity is over. Let our message ring out. Join us, come with us, you have a home with us.
Bunny: Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.