Monthly Archives: March 2012

The self determination of get it up ye

James Obi Wan Kelman-Commission’s polemic against the proto-imperialistic monarchic forces of Scottish oppression was published this week in independence leaning website Bella Bella Caledonia. Here we publish the abridged version for the sake of readers with an aversion to reading.

Aw we need is a great big melting Scot. Big enough to take Britain for all it's got. And keep stirring it for 300 hunner years or more. And turn oot Braveheart Commandos by the score.

By Bigchipon Shooder

“See they proto-imperialistic, monarchy supportin, militaristic, Tory backin, privileged, bourgeoise, patriotic, unethical, oppressive, anglocentric, racist, culturally superior, middle class, artistic, patronising, hostile, colonisin, higher order, Anglo-Saxon, non-determinist, united, paternalistic, submissive, servile, canine like, myth makin, history changin, proud, misinformin, divisive, media controllin, torturin, mutilatin, human right denyin, freedom denyin, English elitists – they get on mah tits so they dae. Whit a bunch o’ arrogant basturts, so they ur.

“An’ see they SNP, they’re jist aboot as bad. But vote for them onyway, cos it’s thame or an Anglicised subjective slavery that ye’ll be imposing on future Scots for the next three hunner year.”

Original Piece

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Bradford style tartan jihad set to overwhelm Red Millibean

Who’s defeat is this? It’s a wipeout baby. Who’s wipeout is this? It’s Red’s. Who’s Red? Red’s dead baby. Red’s dead.” – Ed Bigballs & Yvette Croupier

Despair and encouragement in equal measure. Millibean suffers mortal election wound while Sun King Alex of Salmond sees endorsement for younger people's votes.

By Vic Tory-Ishis

LABOURING LEADER Red Millibean suffered mortal collateral damage today from his failed Bradford by-election mission aimed at pacifying the alienated youth of the nation.

The Bradford victory was proclaimed by Gorgeous Job Galloway, the Nae-Respect fer hi’sel leader, as the most sensational result in by-election history since the Battle of Hattin and the capture of Jerusalem.

Butchers, bakers and candlestick makers were all caught out by the scale of the result which was a surprise to no one but them.

Labouring propagandists and embedded media parrots attempted to maintain the status quo by smearing Gorgeous Job with the reactionary terrorist Jihadi muslim sympathiser label.

Such asides though were effortlessly swatted away by the feline fabulist when he pointed to their blatant updated versions of newspeak where ‘mission is occupation’, ‘war is peace’ and ‘BBC broadcasting is truth’.

The message, other than that there are no bounds a shameless self-publicist will not go to in order to get re-elected, is clear to all the parties forming the Unholy Alliance – ‘your message is so keach that shameless charlatans can mercilessly upbraid you and give you a public bleaching.

Gorgeous Job gloated: “MR MILLIBEAN! The game is up. You and your Westminster cronies huv been fun oot. The tri-buttocked arse has been well and truly skelped. Skelped to the pint that it’s rid raw. Except yer no even rid ony mare.

“Labouring party, my appeal to you is, please provide a position for me to rejoin you. Ahm fed up o’ huvin to eat Halalallaheuia meat when ah cannae wash it doon wi’ a whisky. Consider yersels telt.”

SNP spokesperson, Wee Naebudy said: “This is an awfy encouragin’ result fir us. Did ye see how muny disaffected young yins voted for that eejit? If they can vote for him, they can vote fir us.

“We need young folks votes like Gorgeous Job needs a bowl a mulk. Come the 700th anniversary, it’ll be Alba Spring tartan jihad on the forces of the Unholy alliance richt enough.”

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World Exclusive – Scottish press conspire to ignore dull non-event

Lunatic pro-independence SNP sympathy fringe get sporrans in a twist over non-publishing of non-story.

By Wingzova Spodland

You couldnae make it up!

The lunatic fringe of the uncivic, ‘cybernat warriors with a keyboard’, nationalist division have whipped themselves into a  singular apoplectic frenzy of rage over the dampest squib ever recorded in the history of the universe.

Willie Bain MP, the Labouring party’s shadow somebody (who he? – ed) pledged to oppose the parties they’re opposed to.

Bain's tweet confirming that Labour will oppose their opposition. The Scottish press are compliant in suppressing this groundbreaking conspiracy. Yikes!

And, as everyone knows – including people not even born yet – the Labouring party are even more opposed to the SNP than they are to their Tory counterparts.

Some media outlets were even so brazen as to state that this earth shattering revelation was “not exciting”.  They should hang their heads in blasphemous shame, for they know who they are.

All of the Scottish media including the BBC, STV News, The Herald,  The Scotsman, The Daily Record, The Beano and The Dandy conspired to ignore the non-news.

It is plain that this blanket ignorance kind of tells you something. But the perceptive reader will work that out for themselves.

Joseph Heller, unionist lickspittle and conspiracy theorist said: “There are cybernats out there with lots of intelligence and no brains, and everyone knows it except those who soon find it out.

“How can what an Anglo-Scotsman believes be delusion? It is a contradiction in terms.”

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Mad Alex – The Movie

In a dystopic future Scotland, a vicious megolamaniac millionaire murders a Firstminster’s reputation and makes his fight with him personal.

Windfarms at the seaside are set to do more damage to Scotland than the bombing of Clydebank ever did, according to Trumpton.


By Hin Sane

MAD ALEX is a prototypical detente gone wrong, tartan noir movie, stuffed foo o’ puffed up egos, betrayals of trust, public humiliations, dodgy deals, revenge, appeals to reason and classic misunderstandings.

Essentially this charmless film is a Faustian pact where previous bestest buddies, through circumstance, mixed motivations and conflicting ideologies, end up trying to destroy each other.

One wants to be President of Scotland – Mad Alex. The other,  Donald Trumpton, wants to turn the North of Scotland into a golfing dollars cash cow, while subjugating the hapless local natives into his personal fiefdom.

Initially, Mad Alex does all the running, putting his reputation on the line and selling his soul in desperation to attract the American Trumpton dollars.

He walks over the little people of his beloved heather clad homeland with their quaint wee cooncil traditions and hands Trumpton the green light for what quickly degenerates into some quite disturbing scenes of environmental rape and plutocratic bullying.

This is Mad Alex’s first betrayal of his beloved people in the name of progress and it opens the gates to the further corruption of his tartanised soul.

As is to be expected in this genre, events, aspiration and raw ambiton set the characters on a collision path which is never properly realised in the movie.

Mad Alex’s desire to be seen as the Sun King of Green energy policies begins to unravel when a new wind farm encroaches on Trumpton’s view.

Trumpton strikes back and gains the upper hand, launching a counter offensive by funding the enemies of progression.

Mad Alex cries foul and runs to tell the Electoral Commission teacher but they tell him to go away and raffle his sel’ he’s a big boy now,  reminding him that he sterted it.

Setting itself up for a sequel, the movie finishes with Mad Alex blubbing into his somewhat extensive navel while picking up the phone to contact his good buddy Goebbels Murdoch for advice.

Verdict: A movie with a very clear moral along the lines of running with the hare and hunting with the hounds. Hopefully the sequel answers the question, just how long can these two grotesques lord it ower the pair wee people of Scotland?  *** Stars


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Thoughtcrime loudspeakers in East Scotland set to warn asocial types

Pilot measure put in place as part of final solution to deal with Scotland’s smokers, drinkers, fatties and free thinkers

Defending the move, a Scottish spokesperson for Amorous International said: "We Scots are not as think as you drunk we are."

By Clampin Doon

SMOKERS WHO light up out of doors, drinkers who step on cracks on pavements, fatties who wash down burgers with fizzy drinks, and SNP abstainers exhibiting anti-Scottish behaviour, are set to trigger experimental alarms and loudspeaker messages telling them to stop.

The new scheme, currently being piloted in the Forth Valley area of Eastern Scotland, could pave the way for one of the biggest social experiments seen in the country since Big Sister Thatcher imposed the Poll Tax.

Scotch Gauleiters hope the measures will deter suspected deviants and asocial types who “continually” ignore what is good for them.

If the scheme proves workable, non-compliant behaviour will be banned thoughout a Scotland already galvanised by Pre-independence tension sufferage (PITS).

The new alarms and loudspeakers are set to be installed in all main thoroughfares and will work in tandem with Closed Circuit Television Cameras.

Bloodyrude Gauleiters say they want to see a “cultural change”, where people find that it’s no longer acceptable to oppose the needs of civic Nationalism.

If the alarm system proves a successful deterrent, they may also be fitted within homes, probably somewhere in the internal workings of the Telescreen.

Nosey Dogooder, from facilitation company Willdo, which manages the new systems said: “Despite constant warnings and attempts at re-education, people continue to do what they want.
“The result is pluralistic tolerance of other people’s differences. This is not conducive to civic Nationalism.
“Even thinking about lighting up or opening a bottle of alchohol or eating unhealthy food or not voting SNP will set off the message and I hope this will encourage people to stop being so selfish.”

Bloodyrude Gauleiters said figures reveal that nearly 3.14  million people in Scotland live by thinking for themselves, with above average numbers of radicals congregating in the East  and West Coasts of the country.

Health and Sanitation Gauleiter, Auld Nick Sturgeon added: “I am in no doubt that the vast majority of SNP voters, members and cabinet ministers want a thoughtcrime free environment and agree that people thinking for themselves is unacceptable.”

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Salmond and his grubby gangster should be told to keep it up


By Moan McVulpine on Mar 27   Jist oot o’ bed

PETER CRUDEARSE, the Tory Access Comptroller, is now a disgraced ex-Access Comptroller following the “Cam Dine With Me” scandal in which he offered businessmen, ‘Dominique Strauss-Kahnt’ style,  favours in return for ¼ Million Pounders.

The Murdoch ‘staatspolizei journalist’ who exposed Crudearse, recorded him calling Sun King Alex of Salmond the “Murdoch poodle” and bragging about how he had discussions with Bullingdon Dave on how to avoid independence through prima nocta.

The tawdry tale came as we discovered the Murdoch plan to use Sun King Alex, the anointed one responsible for our victory of righteousness, to mastermind his agenda to “stick it to Cameron”.

With shadowy characters like these pulling the strings, it’s key Scotland keeps ignoring who controls who in the Murdoch/Salmond intercourse.

Do you agree that Scotland should impoverish England and make her dangerous? It’s a clear and fair question.

It makes sense to have the vote in 2014, giving the Tories time to work their inimitable charm on the Scottish imagination.

Our young people aged 16 and 17 should be allowed a vote cos I’m on twitter and and can hing oot with them in the twits sphere.

So let’s tell Crudearse, Cameron and other victims of the Murdoch gangsters, of the future facing them in the next two years.

We live here and we are the best people to get manipulated by Plutocratic vested interests.

Have your say at:



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Cash for access? We’re much cheaper than the Tories boasts SNP leadership

SNP Heid honchos reinforce claims that access to the upper echelon of Scottish government is less expensive and more flexible than the Unionist Tory version.

All in it together. Political parties stand united behind their shameless versions of cash for access fund raising.

By Sleazie Munny

SUN KING Alex of Salmond has denounced the Conservative party leadership for exortionate overcharging of privileged access dining rates.

He joked that, Access Comptroller, Peter Crudearse’s pricing scales, starting at £250,000 for a Prime Ministerial dinner were “far too big and expensive” compared to the Scottish version.

Referring to the SNPs highly successful ‘lunchgate’ auctions which the Firstminster and his deputy recently attended at the Kabana restaurant in Glasgow, he countered: “Our dinners are on a smaller, more devolved, scale.

“We offer the flexibility of lunch or dinner depending on the price.

“We don’t insist on a reserve and we’re willing to discount for tea and caramel wafers.”

The attack on the unofficial Tory access policy has led to apologist handwringing on an unprecedented scale in political circles.

Angus Robbers-Son, SNP Westminster leader said: “We want to be seen doing sleaze just as well as the big boy Unionist parties.
“Our auctions for access system may not be on the same scale, but they’re every bit as shameful in principle.
“The electorate are fully entitled to make their own mind up on that.”

Labouring leader Red Millibean said that the Labourious Party concentrated its access fund raising on handing out honours, or advertising privileges, to close rich friends and that this had been provisionally suspended due
to a temporary lack of power and influence.

But he couldn’t resist a sideswipe at Sun King, Alex of Salmond.

He said: “Isn’t this just like the Subsidy Jockies; too wee, too poor and too stupid even to get their cash for access right.
“They need to raise their game if they want to be seen as being fully committed to shamelessness and hypocricy.”

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MacAesops fables #4 – The Lion and the statue

Our fourth Sunday outpouring of sanctimony and self-righteous morality to be taken as seriously as a Tory line drawn in the sand

A SCOT and a Lion were discussing the relative strength of Scots and lions in general.  The Scot contended that he and his fellows were stronger than lions by reason of their greater intelligence.

“Come now with me,” he cried, “and I will soon prove that I am right.”  So he took him into the public gardens and showed him a statue of The Bruce overcoming a Lion and tearing his kingdom in two.

“That is all very well,” said the Lion, “but proves nothing, for it was a Scot who made the statue.”

 Analysis: When matters of great importance arise and we have to make important decisions, the moral of the story is clear: We can easily represent things as we wish them to be. The wiser man views things more cautiously. Politicians of all colours open their mouths and talk to us in newspeak or duckspeak. Reading between the lines often gets to the heart of the matter. Taking a politician literally leads you into a wood which you’ll never properly see for all the trees getting in the way.

For other stultifyingly overdone and patronising fables, click the fable category on the right.

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Independence will lead to blanket immigration says Cruella Dis May

SNP suffer sustained flicking from increasingly soiled Tory sheets

Washing dirty linen in public. The SNP have said they dont give a sheet.

By Durty Lynen

HOME SECRETARY Cruella Dis May has warned that Scottish Independence will lead to a mass  influx of foreign terrorist drug dealing blankets.

She drew attention to the dangers of Independence within the Greater Deutchland Euro Union, which allows free movement of goods including blankets.

Her comments came in an impassioned speech to the ‘Pet Jock’ Tory Conference in Troon.

She said the Union has always provided blankets for ALL of its citiizens and that, to her knowledge, none of them had ever been involved in a terrorist or drug dealing act.

The home secretary questioned Sun King, Alex of Salmond’s, anti-domestic blanket policy, saying he must spell out which blanket powers he would be handing to the Greater Deutchland European Union.

She told the conference: “It completely defeats the SNP argument that Scotland could provide better blankets with more control over its affairs when they can’t even provide standard blankets in their own hospitals.

“People want to know – and they have a right to know – what type of blankets will be available .”

She drew attention to the danger of joining Deutchland’s Sheeting area which allows the free movement of blankets within a number of Deutchland Eurozone countries.

The Sheeting Agreement, named after the Luxembourg Hospital where it was signed, abolished internal blanket borders, enabling free movement between 25 European countries.

The deal is now under review following surges of Somalian pirate, Pakistani drug dealing and Tartan terror blankets seamlessly integrating into Sheeting areas throughout the Deutch Euro Zone .

Wee Naebudy, official spokesperson for the SNP refuted Cruella’s claims. He said:  “Unionist policy is like an electric blanket with someone else in control of the switch.

“It is SNP policy that one good turn gets most of the blanket. We need border controls like Cruella Dis May needs 101 dalmations.”

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When Dave met Interpreter Bunny

Following revelations that ALS pet bunnies are providing interpretation services for the Ministry of Justice, AhDinnaeKen calls upon their expertise to interpret the Tory language used at the Scottish Conservative Party conference currently being held in Troon.

The last time the proud Tory language was properly understood in Scotland was around 1970

By Whitdid Yesay

ETONIAN FAGHAMMER, Bullingdon Dave, rallied the Tory troops today in order to build morale for the defence of the realm against Nationalistic terrorists intent on destroying the fabric of society.

As the Etonian Faghammer speaks an archaic form of Tory, not understood in Jockoland since 1979, we have gone to no expense in order to assist readers with what was actually said on the day:

Bullingdon Dave:   It’s not always easy being a Conservative in Scotland.

Bunny: The Jocks hate us.


Bullingdon Dave: And we’ve pledged a decisive referendum that for the first time has got Alex Salmond on the back foot.

Bunny: Slobodan Salmond wants a second question on Devo max and he’s not getting it.


Bullingdon Dave: The future of this party – let’s be frank – We aren’t where we want to be in Scotland. We are nowhere near it.

Bunny: The Jocks are never going to forgive us for Mrs Thatcher. We might as well stick it to them while there’s oil.


Bullingdon Dave: This could be our moment – if we are bold enough – to come back stronger.

Bunny: Our capacity for self delusion knows no bounds.


Bullingdon Dave: This is a distinctively Scottish Party. With it’s head, it’s heart, it’s soul right here in Scotland.

Bunny: The real Conservative party is in England, where it properly belongs.


Bullingdon Dave: This is a passionately patriotic party. A party that knows a love for Scotland and a belief in the union can go hand in hand.

Bunny:  We have every intention of holding on to Scottish oil.


Bullingdon Dave: Most crucially. We must show how our values chime with the values of people all over Scotland.

Bunny: Try and take us on and we’ll kick your heads in.


Bullingdon Dave: Now to demonstrate, we have a distinctive party in Scotland, there can be no better person to lead than Ruth.

Bunny: I will not hesitate to humiliate her when it suits my big bad unionist purposes.


Bullingdon Dave: And we’ve got to show too, that a love of scotland does not belong to one party. For too long we have let the SNP claim ownership of patriotism. The saltire is the flag of a proud nation not the symbol of one political party.

Bunny: I’m completely sconnered by the number of Braveheart Commandos not able to make this simple distinction. Are all you Jocks thick or what?


Bullingdon Dave: This isn’t an abusive relationship, it is a partnership for liberty for security for prosperity. Scotland is better off  in Britain.

Bunny: Joan McAlpine! What a rocket – eh?


Bullingdon Dave: So my message to the First minister is this; stop dithering and start delivering. Let’s give the Scottish people the chance to make a clear choice about their future.

Bunny:  I could take you in a fight any day of the week ya pie.


Bullingdon Dave: The time for timidity is over. Let our message ring out. Join us, come with us, you have a home with us.

Bunny:  Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.

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Diageo – Stealers of soul, Scots identity and enemies of Scotland

Why Diageo are morally corrupt bean counting bullying bastards and why they let Sun King Alex of Salmond shoulder some of the blame for one of the worst betrayals of Scottish identity in modern commercial history.

More laters.  Best not doing just now. STILL TOO F**KING ANGRY.

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They’re all in it together – Millionaire Cabinet gets richer after Bullingdon budget day wheeze

Daylight robbery revealed after Red Millibean asks Coalition Cabinet –  all those out of touch with humanity – put your hands up!

Proud to be earning more. Cabinet Ministers put their hands up for teacher Red Millibean when he asked who would benefit the most from the 50p tax cut.

By Ree Appropriated-Luting

CAREER CRIMINALS were advised today that if they really want to get away with a life of crime they should join the Tory party.

Chancellor, Bullingdon Oik, The High Sheriff of Nottingham, gave thieves and robbers everywhere  an abject lesson in master criminality.

Lex Luther, Fu Manchu, Moriarty, The Master, and Blofeld have all tipped the hat and paid their respects to the ‘ultimate self-serving robbing bastard’ – George Bullingdon Oik Firstborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Dick Turpin, spokesperson for the Criminal Underworld Nefarious Terrain Specialists, said: “Robbing the poor to feed the rich has never before been carried out with such aplomb.

“What is so admirable is that he did it so blatantly on television in front of a watching nation. When you think about it, it’s staggering in its boldness and audacity.

“If this had happened in France, there would be blood in the streets and Bullingdon Oik knows it. What a jolly old wheeze”

According to unofficial statistics gathered from the Daily Mail archives, Cabinet Robbers will benefit from this latest heist to the approximate tune of  £100,000 per annum per man.

A government source, who wished to remain anyonymous because he couldn’t keep a straight face, said: “We’ve actually done the taxpayer a favour. When you think about it, there’s no need to fiddle our expenses any more. The tax cut has taken care of that. Crime really does pay if you’re Tory.”

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