Monthly Archives: March 2012

The self determination of get it up ye

James Obi Wan Kelman-Commission’s polemic against the proto-imperialistic monarchic forces of Scottish oppression was published this week in independence leaning website Bella Bella Caledonia. Here we publish the abridged version for the sake of readers with an aversion to reading.

Aw we need is a great big melting Scot. Big enough to take Britain for all it's got. And keep stirring it for 300 hunner years or more. And turn oot Braveheart Commandos by the score.

By Bigchipon Shooder

“See they proto-imperialistic, monarchy supportin, militaristic, Tory backin, privileged, bourgeoise, patriotic, unethical, oppressive, anglocentric, racist, culturally superior, middle class, artistic, patronising, hostile, colonisin, higher order, Anglo-Saxon, non-determinist, united, paternalistic, submissive, servile, canine like, myth makin, history changin, proud, misinformin, divisive, media controllin, torturin, mutilatin, human right denyin, freedom denyin, English elitists – they get on mah tits so they dae. Whit a bunch o’ arrogant basturts, so they ur.

“An’ see they SNP, they’re jist aboot as bad. But vote for them onyway, cos it’s thame or an Anglicised subjective slavery that ye’ll be imposing on future Scots for the next three hunner year.”

Original Piece

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Bradford style tartan jihad set to overwhelm Red Millibean

Who’s defeat is this? It’s a wipeout baby. Who’s wipeout is this? It’s Red’s. Who’s Red? Red’s dead baby. Red’s dead.” – Ed Bigballs & Yvette Croupier

Despair and encouragement in equal measure. Millibean suffers mortal election wound while Sun King Alex of Salmond sees endorsement for younger people's votes.

By Vic Tory-Ishis

LABOURING LEADER Red Millibean suffered mortal collateral damage today from his failed Bradford by-election mission aimed at pacifying the alienated youth of the nation.

The Bradford victory was proclaimed by Gorgeous Job Galloway, the Nae-Respect fer hi’sel leader, as the most sensational result in by-election history since the Battle of Hattin and the capture of Jerusalem.

Butchers, bakers and candlestick makers were all caught out by the scale of the result which was a surprise to no one but them.

Labouring propagandists and embedded media parrots attempted to maintain the status quo by smearing Gorgeous Job with the reactionary terrorist Jihadi muslim sympathiser label.

Such asides though were effortlessly swatted away by the feline fabulist when he pointed to their blatant updated versions of newspeak where ‘mission is occupation’, ‘war is peace’ and ‘BBC broadcasting is truth’.

The message, other than that there are no bounds a shameless self-publicist will not go to in order to get re-elected, is clear to all the parties forming the Unholy Alliance – ‘your message is so keach that shameless charlatans can mercilessly upbraid you and give you a public bleaching.

Gorgeous Job gloated: “MR MILLIBEAN! The game is up. You and your Westminster cronies huv been fun oot. The tri-buttocked arse has been well and truly skelped. Skelped to the pint that it’s rid raw. Except yer no even rid ony mare.

“Labouring party, my appeal to you is, please provide a position for me to rejoin you. Ahm fed up o’ huvin to eat Halalallaheuia meat when ah cannae wash it doon wi’ a whisky. Consider yersels telt.”

SNP spokesperson, Wee Naebudy said: “This is an awfy encouragin’ result fir us. Did ye see how muny disaffected young yins voted for that eejit? If they can vote for him, they can vote fir us.

“We need young folks votes like Gorgeous Job needs a bowl a mulk. Come the 700th anniversary, it’ll be Alba Spring tartan jihad on the forces of the Unholy alliance richt enough.”

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World Exclusive – Scottish press conspire to ignore dull non-event

Lunatic pro-independence SNP sympathy fringe get sporrans in a twist over non-publishing of non-story.

By Wingzova Spodland

You couldnae make it up!

The lunatic fringe of the uncivic, ‘cybernat warriors with a keyboard’, nationalist division have whipped themselves into a  singular apoplectic frenzy of rage over the dampest squib ever recorded in the history of the universe.

Willie Bain MP, the Labouring party’s shadow somebody (who he? – ed) pledged to oppose the parties they’re opposed to.

Bain's tweet confirming that Labour will oppose their opposition. The Scottish press are compliant in suppressing this groundbreaking conspiracy. Yikes!

And, as everyone knows – including people not even born yet – the Labouring party are even more opposed to the SNP than they are to their Tory counterparts.

Some media outlets were even so brazen as to state that this earth shattering revelation was “not exciting”.  They should hang their heads in blasphemous shame, for they know who they are.

All of the Scottish media including the BBC, STV News, The Herald,  The Scotsman, The Daily Record, The Beano and The Dandy conspired to ignore the non-news.

It is plain that this blanket ignorance kind of tells you something. But the perceptive reader will work that out for themselves.

Joseph Heller, unionist lickspittle and conspiracy theorist said: “There are cybernats out there with lots of intelligence and no brains, and everyone knows it except those who soon find it out.

“How can what an Anglo-Scotsman believes be delusion? It is a contradiction in terms.”

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Mad Alex – The Movie

In a dystopic future Scotland, a vicious megolamaniac millionaire murders a Firstminster’s reputation and makes his fight with him personal.

Windfarms at the seaside are set to do more damage to Scotland than the bombing of Clydebank ever did, according to Trumpton.

EXCLUSIVE REVIEW OF THE MOVIE THAT JIST ISNAE THE TALK O’ THE STEAMIE

By Hin Sane

MAD ALEX is a prototypical detente gone wrong, tartan noir movie, stuffed foo o’ puffed up egos, betrayals of trust, public humiliations, dodgy deals, revenge, appeals to reason and classic misunderstandings.

Essentially this charmless film is a Faustian pact where previous bestest buddies, through circumstance, mixed motivations and conflicting ideologies, end up trying to destroy each other.

One wants to be President of Scotland – Mad Alex. The other,  Donald Trumpton, wants to turn the North of Scotland into a golfing dollars cash cow, while subjugating the hapless local natives into his personal fiefdom.

Initially, Mad Alex does all the running, putting his reputation on the line and selling his soul in desperation to attract the American Trumpton dollars.

He walks over the little people of his beloved heather clad homeland with their quaint wee cooncil traditions and hands Trumpton the green light for what quickly degenerates into some quite disturbing scenes of environmental rape and plutocratic bullying.

This is Mad Alex’s first betrayal of his beloved people in the name of progress and it opens the gates to the further corruption of his tartanised soul.

As is to be expected in this genre, events, aspiration and raw ambiton set the characters on a collision path which is never properly realised in the movie.

Mad Alex’s desire to be seen as the Sun King of Green energy policies begins to unravel when a new wind farm encroaches on Trumpton’s view.

Trumpton strikes back and gains the upper hand, launching a counter offensive by funding the enemies of progression.

Mad Alex cries foul and runs to tell the Electoral Commission teacher but they tell him to go away and raffle his sel’ he’s a big boy now,  reminding him that he sterted it.

Setting itself up for a sequel, the movie finishes with Mad Alex blubbing into his somewhat extensive navel while picking up the phone to contact his good buddy Goebbels Murdoch for advice.

Verdict: A movie with a very clear moral along the lines of running with the hare and hunting with the hounds. Hopefully the sequel answers the question, just how long can these two grotesques lord it ower the pair wee people of Scotland?  *** Stars

BACKGROUND INFORMATION:

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Thoughtcrime loudspeakers in East Scotland set to warn asocial types

Pilot measure put in place as part of final solution to deal with Scotland’s smokers, drinkers, fatties and free thinkers

Defending the move, a Scottish spokesperson for Amorous International said: "We Scots are not as think as you drunk we are."

By Clampin Doon

SMOKERS WHO light up out of doors, drinkers who step on cracks on pavements, fatties who wash down burgers with fizzy drinks, and SNP abstainers exhibiting anti-Scottish behaviour, are set to trigger experimental alarms and loudspeaker messages telling them to stop.

The new scheme, currently being piloted in the Forth Valley area of Eastern Scotland, could pave the way for one of the biggest social experiments seen in the country since Big Sister Thatcher imposed the Poll Tax.

Scotch Gauleiters hope the measures will deter suspected deviants and asocial types who “continually” ignore what is good for them.

If the scheme proves workable, non-compliant behaviour will be banned thoughout a Scotland already galvanised by Pre-independence tension sufferage (PITS).

The new alarms and loudspeakers are set to be installed in all main thoroughfares and will work in tandem with Closed Circuit Television Cameras.

Bloodyrude Gauleiters say they want to see a “cultural change”, where people find that it’s no longer acceptable to oppose the needs of civic Nationalism.

If the alarm system proves a successful deterrent, they may also be fitted within homes, probably somewhere in the internal workings of the Telescreen.

Nosey Dogooder, from facilitation company Willdo, which manages the new systems said: “Despite constant warnings and attempts at re-education, people continue to do what they want.
“The result is pluralistic tolerance of other people’s differences. This is not conducive to civic Nationalism.
“Even thinking about lighting up or opening a bottle of alchohol or eating unhealthy food or not voting SNP will set off the message and I hope this will encourage people to stop being so selfish.”

Bloodyrude Gauleiters said figures reveal that nearly 3.14  million people in Scotland live by thinking for themselves, with above average numbers of radicals congregating in the East  and West Coasts of the country.

Health and Sanitation Gauleiter, Auld Nick Sturgeon added: “I am in no doubt that the vast majority of SNP voters, members and cabinet ministers want a thoughtcrime free environment and agree that people thinking for themselves is unacceptable.”

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Salmond and his grubby gangster should be told to keep it up

 

By Moan McVulpine on Mar 27   Jist oot o’ bed

PETER CRUDEARSE, the Tory Access Comptroller, is now a disgraced ex-Access Comptroller following the “Cam Dine With Me” scandal in which he offered businessmen, ‘Dominique Strauss-Kahnt’ style,  favours in return for ¼ Million Pounders.

The Murdoch ‘staatspolizei journalist’ who exposed Crudearse, recorded him calling Sun King Alex of Salmond the “Murdoch poodle” and bragging about how he had discussions with Bullingdon Dave on how to avoid independence through prima nocta.

The tawdry tale came as we discovered the Murdoch plan to use Sun King Alex, the anointed one responsible for our victory of righteousness, to mastermind his agenda to “stick it to Cameron”.

With shadowy characters like these pulling the strings, it’s key Scotland keeps ignoring who controls who in the Murdoch/Salmond intercourse.

Do you agree that Scotland should impoverish England and make her dangerous? It’s a clear and fair question.

It makes sense to have the vote in 2014, giving the Tories time to work their inimitable charm on the Scottish imagination.

Our young people aged 16 and 17 should be allowed a vote cos I’m on twitter and and can hing oot with them in the twits sphere.

So let’s tell Crudearse, Cameron and other victims of the Murdoch gangsters, of the future facing them in the next two years.

We live here and we are the best people to get manipulated by Plutocratic vested interests.

Have your say at: http://www.itwasthesunwhitwonityabasturt.braveheart.commando.guv.uk/pishtalk

 

COMEDY RELIEF

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Cash for access? We’re much cheaper than the Tories boasts SNP leadership

SNP Heid honchos reinforce claims that access to the upper echelon of Scottish government is less expensive and more flexible than the Unionist Tory version.

All in it together. Political parties stand united behind their shameless versions of cash for access fund raising.

By Sleazie Munny

SUN KING Alex of Salmond has denounced the Conservative party leadership for exortionate overcharging of privileged access dining rates.

He joked that, Access Comptroller, Peter Crudearse’s pricing scales, starting at £250,000 for a Prime Ministerial dinner were “far too big and expensive” compared to the Scottish version.

Referring to the SNPs highly successful ‘lunchgate’ auctions which the Firstminster and his deputy recently attended at the Kabana restaurant in Glasgow, he countered: “Our dinners are on a smaller, more devolved, scale.

“We offer the flexibility of lunch or dinner depending on the price.

“We don’t insist on a reserve and we’re willing to discount for tea and caramel wafers.”

The attack on the unofficial Tory access policy has led to apologist handwringing on an unprecedented scale in political circles.

Angus Robbers-Son, SNP Westminster leader said: “We want to be seen doing sleaze just as well as the big boy Unionist parties.
“Our auctions for access system may not be on the same scale, but they’re every bit as shameful in principle.
“The electorate are fully entitled to make their own mind up on that.”

Labouring leader Red Millibean said that the Labourious Party concentrated its access fund raising on handing out honours, or advertising privileges, to close rich friends and that this had been provisionally suspended due
to a temporary lack of power and influence.

But he couldn’t resist a sideswipe at Sun King, Alex of Salmond.

He said: “Isn’t this just like the Subsidy Jockies; too wee, too poor and too stupid even to get their cash for access right.
“They need to raise their game if they want to be seen as being fully committed to shamelessness and hypocricy.”

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