Monthly Archives: July 2012

A chance to make a fuel of Moanie’s hot air credentials

By Moan McVulpine on Jul 31 Copy arrived on time for a change

GUEST-BLOGGED by Graham Piercing-Insight

IF YOU’VE got a parliamentary job and a sideline column in the Daily Ranger, gas and electricity bills are a scoosh.

For others, the percentage of their disposable income going toward essential fuel bills impoverishes them.

Thanks to the SNPs renewables commitment the cost of energy bills has been driven sky high.

Hurrah for sustainability and growth in difficult economic times!

Scotland is now being seen as a haven for subsidy junky energy firms glad to be able to make a fast and easy buck, all at our expense.

Renewables aw sounds great until you take into consideration the costs and who will ultimately end up paying them – those least able to afford them – most of youse eejits.

Windfarms are ugly, intrusive and are destroying the look of one of the most beautiful wee countries in the world.

But, so what? If it means that the Right Honourable Sun King can blow hard about reaching targets and being green, then it’s a price worth paying for the Drone SNP party.

We are all going to be faced with a difficult choice come the Neverendum in 2014 – eat or heat.

If you think this is a choice worth making for the sake of party rhetoric and political diatribe then Just Say Yes (please).

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Filed under Fable, Moan McVulpine, Opinion, Referendum

Labour Party set to be destroyed by independent ‘enemy within’

Slow day at the news desks results in one of many tortuously manufactured stories set to offer hope to independence supporters.

“Is it possible to succeed without any act of betrayal?” – Tonyblair Jenkins

By Demma Gogg

THE SCOTTISH Labouring party is on the verge of spontaneous combustion over independence according to wishful thinking independinistas and cybernats.

A new Facebook page has been opened by a latter day freedom fighting William Wallace type Labourer, Alyin Grogger and it has registered some hits.

According to biased mainstream media and Newsnet reports the site has been visited by 24,000 cybernats and three Labourer activists.

Grogger, a veteran Labouring activist, said there is a real appetite amongst Nationalists and Independence supporters for the story to be more than a silly season damp squib.

He said: “There’s hee haw happening just now, so the Mainstream Media can manufacture a controversy by looking around my madeup Facebook page.

“Once done and accusations are made, they have a ready made story for the next day when official Labourers have to deny that there is a split.

“If nothing happens in the interim, all it takes is a few select phone calls to rent a gob academics, activists and mostly ignored party members to keep the story running.”

According to one made up quote whose source preferred to remain anonymous “Grogger has actually put on a bet with Bet Ladbroke Fred 365 to see how many deluded Nats and Cybernats would be taken in by this story.”

Grogger was last seen counting a large pile of sterling close to Tennents Bar on the Byres Road in Glasgow.

Tonyblair Jenkins the ex-BBC Tristram in charge of the Just Say Yes (please) campaign was last seen getting his knickers in a twist over the breaking news.

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MacAesops Fables #22 – The Oxen and the Butchers

Our twenty-second Sunday outpouring of sanctimony and self-righteous morality to be taken as seriously as the fable of Wee Eck and the Scolymopians

Neverendum represent’s the slaughter of the electorate, temporarily regarded as sovereign, on as large a scale as possible. – Moan McVulpine

THE OXEN once upon a time sought to destroy the Butchers, who practiced a trade destructive to their race. 
They assembled on a certain day to carry out their purpose, and sharpened their horns for the contest. 
But one of them who was exceedingly old (for many a field had he plowed) thus spoke: 
“These Butchers, it is true, slaughter us, but they do so with skillful hands, and with no unnecessary pain. 
If we get rid of them, we shall fall into the hands of unskillful operators, and thus suffer a double death: for you may be assured, that though all the Butchers should perish, yet will men never want beef.” 

 Analysis: As subtle as a Scolymopian neologism this fable. If the Oxen are the electorate and the butchers are the politicians then the moral of the tale is easy: “Do not be in a hurry to change one evil for another.” Think FOI requests, SWA alcohol price challenges, Murdoch liaisons, thoughtcrime Sectarian bills, the Curriculum of Pure Excellence and non-corroborative prosecutions. Zoinks!

NB: For the deep fried chip on the shooder brigade: Naw, ah’m no saying we’re too wee, blah bore, and blah bore.

For more morally superior and vacuous posturing click on the Fable category to the right.

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Vichy missionary sought to crush rebellious Scots

Unholy Alliance seek evangelist to spread the word on ‘The Joy of Union’.

“No thieves, no traitors, no interventionists! This time the revolution is for real!”- Fidel Castro Salmond

By Subjy Gaishon

ARE YOU a patronising Tory/Labour/Lib-Dem bastard?

Do you think that the Scots need to be put in their place once and for all?

Do you care not a jot about being called names like Judas, Quisling and Collaborator?

Do you think that the Scots are Too Wee, Too Poor and Too Stupit to act alone?

If you nodded your head vigorously to any or all of these questions you may just be the man, woman or person of transgender able to fulfil the moribund new position of Lord Protectorate of the North Britain Treasury.

The role involves:

  • Being able to get up the nose of the SNP with every utterance
  • Intervening in debates where your opinion is clearly not wanted
  • Spreading lies and untruths about the glorious Salmond revolutionary U-turns.
  • Engaging in anti-separatist rhetoric at every available opportunity
  • Earning £30,000 per annum plus approx £20,000 bonus in ‘traitor’ money
  • Anything else which will let England and the English have a richt guid laugh at the Scots expense

The UK Treasury Protectorate website has advertised the role for the head of its new office in the North Britain region of the United Kingdom.

They expect the successful candidate to exploit, coerce, bribe and blackmail any and all of their extensive contacts in order to diminish and demean the reputation of the Pict, Gael and Scotti people.

The job will continue until December 2014, the year that the Scottish Sun is expected to call the Neverendum.

Spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “The Protectorate think they’re guid at wasting taxpayers money wi’ this joab. Wait tae they see how much we’ve wasted on no complying with the Information Commissioner’s requests. Once again, you can trust the SNP tae dae things better than the despicable Unionists.”

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Filed under Culture, Economy, Referendum

Salmond’s secret Olympic list leaked

 If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought according to George Orwell. AhDinnaeKen presents the backup Firstminster thought list which may or may not corrupt the spirit of the already corrupted Olympics

Is it just me, or does Scolympians sound like newspeak on an off day?

By Neol Ogism

SCOLYMPIANS OR Scolymopians may or may not be the stupidest made up words you’ve ever heard.

When queried on the thinking behind the new word, Sun King Alex of Salmond said: “I thought a thought, but the thought I thought wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.”

Here are some the words which formed part of the Firstminster’s other thoughts:

Scoldrinkympians – Mischievously impish Scottish minded Scandinavian beer drinkers who like to sink the gold stuff while watching the Olympics.

Scollopympians – Extremely fit and competitive Olympic sea food with Cullen Skink currently rated as the favourite to win a culinary gold medal.

Scofflympians – Cynical non-patriotic dour whinging Scottish types who can’t afford to buy into the gold halo of sponsored Olympic spirit.

Scudlympians – Avid Scots Olympic ramblers who like to watch the Olympics while naked.

Scoldlympians – Scots dullards who constantly find fault with everything and anything to do with the Olympics.

Sconelympians – Traditionally Scottish Olympic training quick bread made of wheat, barley or oatmeal. Best served with Golden Churn and Strawberry jam.

Scopelympians – Those Scolympians able to see clearly the meaning,  spirit, aim and purpose behind the Olympic spirit.

Scorchlympians – Scots burned by the Olympic torch while it wound its tortuously Nazi route throughout England and North Britain.

Scorelympians – People of Scotland who like to record points or strokes made by competitors at the Olympics.

Scornlympians – Scots with open unqualified contempt and disdain for the hateful Olympics.

Scotchlympians – Disqualified Scolympians due to an over reliance on the national drink, Scotch Eggs and Scotch Pies.

Scootlympians – Some of the fastest Scottish runners not taking part in the Olympics

Scoochlympians – Specialist Scots short distance runners unable to take part in Olympics

Scooplympians – Scottish media types, primarily from the BBC, determined to get exclusive stories from the Olympic village.

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With this ring I see red

Gay campaigners may be happy at the new legislation to come, but what about the ugly people?

Societies and Neverendums can be sunk by the weight of buried ugliness and legislation kicked into the long grass. It’s still uncertain if Keith or Mick wanted to get married in Scotland they would be allowed to do so.

By Feelin Lephtoot

SECULAR LEADERS reacted angrily after the Big Scottish Cooncil failed to mention ugly people in the proposed gay marriage legislation yesterday.

The Stab Inn regulars called the SNP move a “cynical exercise in pretendy progressiveness,” while the Rub a Chubby Pub accused the Cooncil of doing “nothing” to protect ugly people’s rights to be protected from discrimination.

Bashower Theheid, of the council of Fugly Barstewards, claimed people were in favour of gay marriage but “only if they were good looking”. And Free Bar leaders said it was a “truly sad day for all those gay people whom no one fancies.”

Deputy First Fag Hag Auld Nick Sturgeon admitted almost two thirds of a record 77,000 responses to last year’s public consultation on gay marriage had never even seen The Rocky Horror Show on the telly or at the cinema.

But she said: “These people should not get hot and flustered, they should use a little mustard.”

Auld Nick also said the Unionist Forces of Oppression lawmakers provided the perfect excuse to kick the legislation into the long grass so that it doesn’t interfere with the Neverendum in 2014.

Scottish Lib-Bent leader Willie Wontie said: “Ah’m so excited ah think ah’ve wet mah drawers.”

Blowina Gael, 27, from Edinborrow, who wants to wed civil partner Wankina Gael, 32, said: “I’m delighted that we’re both good looking. There might have been a hitch if we weren’t.”

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