Monthly Archives: May 2013

Chronic pain sufferers to be relieved post Sep 2014

The crippling pain suffered at present by almost 4 million Skints is due to end on the 19th September 2014, legal experts have confirmed. AhDinnaeKen reports:

"SNP assertions are a concept by which we measure our pain." - John Lennon. All we are saying, is give peace a chance.

“SNP assertions are a concept by which we measure our pain.” – John Lennon. All we are saying, is gies peace and a chance.

By Maheidz Gowpin

VOTERS WITH chronic pain in Skintland will find relief post 19th September 2014 according to mental and physical wellbeing experts.

People who are most afflicted are being advised to avoid watching telly, reading newspapers or using Twitter or the Internet.

The cause of the pain has been sourced directly to the monotonous daily drone emanating from the alleged debate surrounding Skintland’s so called ‘day of dustbinry’.

Chronic pain-in-arsedom is often attached to other conditions such as Yes campaign assertions and Bitter Thegither scaremongering, which means that the average Skints parka is often left to suffer on their own.

About 200 people a year are sent to Bath in Somerset to be ‘cleansed’ by the puritan nationalist supremacist who lives in a cupboard under the stairs there.

Campaigners want Skintland to have its own cupboard under the stairs to ‘cleanse’ the chronic pain.

In an address to the plasticine parliament, Piggy Eyed Patsy Healthminster Alex Kneel said: “The Skintish Executive is committed to diverting stories from the recent cancergate findings.

“I am desperate to look as if I give a sh*t about people rather than presiding over a system which forces people to leave their ain country in order to stay alive.”

Sceptics, cynics, traitors, quislings and inferiorists all believe that the pain will end on 19th September 2014.

Pessimistic experts believe it could result in the end of chronic pain and enter into a new phase of devastatingly humiliatingly crippling pain.

Rupert Murdoch was unavailable for comment.

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Filed under Referendum

Salmond’s Indy vision: Move along now, nothing to see here

Frank Drebin Cuthbert, the Naked Gun Economist, pours oil on still turgid independence waters. Everyone other than the Independinista minority say, ‘Ho hum’, next! AhDinnaeKen tries not to die from apathy, indifference and undernourishment:

"The death of democracy is not likely to be an assassination from ambush. It will be a slow extinction from apathy, indifference, and undernourishment." - Robert M. Hutchins

“The death of democracy is not likely to be an assassination from ambush. It will be a slow extinction from apathy, indifference, and undernourishment.” – Robert M. Hutchins

By Sam Nambulist

FRANK DREBIN Cuthbert the oft quoted SNP biased economist has issued a damningly luke warm report on the Salmond Independence vision: “Move along now, nothing to see here”.

It strikes a hammer blow on Wee Ecky’s ‘Levers for Skintland’ vision, outlined in the recently published ‘Heidcase for Independence’ docupamphlet.

“Firstminster Salmond’s eagerness to be more Unionist than the Unionists”, says Frank, “will bind Skintland to Londinium’s square mile of global corruption, corporate whoredom and institutionalised money laundering.

“But at least the Firstminster and his mum/wife won’t have to pay for any more junkets or tea cakes, er, haud on.”

Some economists, such as Frank’s wife, went further. She reckons that Wee Ecky’s Independence lite vision may even result in less powers than we currently possess with the present day Devo-Kiddy-Oan plasticine parliament.

She said: “At present we have the ffrreeddoomm™ to spend our Westminster pocket money as we see fit.

“With Ecky’s current plan, we might not even be able to do that.

“The basturt English Chancer of the Exchequer will tell us what to do.

“The Big European Quangocrats will tell us what to do.

“NATO will tell us what to do.

“So no change there then.”

“The choice, therefore, is stark and simple: Vote Yes – for more of the same. Vote No – for more of the same. Don’t vote at all – for more of the same. Spoil your ballot paper – for more of the same.

“In effect, the Neverendum presents us with at least four voting choices and the great thing is, no matter what we vote or don’t vote for – we’ll still get more of the same.

“As my husband has already said – ‘Move along now, NOTHING to see here’.”



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Filed under Economy, Referendum

Joan McCarthyalpine: We’ll make your fear let us live our dreams

MOAN RECKONS the Skints are a bunch of craven fearties at heart. Why else would the world renowned devils in skirts recoil in horror at the vision of a SNP Skintish utopia? Maybe it’s not independence that scares them. Maybe it’s the idea of the likes of Joan McCarthyalpine or Sun King Salmond having absolute power which is too terrifying to contemplate.

Moan McVulpine - delivering collateral damage every time she speaks

By Moan McVulpineChastising Skints for being a bunch of feartie parkas

GREAT THINGS seldom happen if you believe politicians.

These words were printed on a leaflet I spotted while monitoring anti-Skints sedition on the net (definitely my favourite habit, threatening people with being charged).

It’s the sort of motto we pin above the hung drawn and quartered bodies of our anti-Skints enemies.

“Seize the traitors” is another one, or for those in search of a better country, “No pain, no brain”.

Pop soundbites like these have a wide appeal because they are based on SNP assertions, policy and manifestos.

Speak to any successful tax avoider and they will say they had to step outside of their country to make things happen. The entrepreneur could have stuck with his homeland instead of earning tax free millions from Monaco. The famous actor could have listened to his wife and stopped beating her.

A gal might find it uncomfortable to assist with a smearing cheesey website editor, but when he smiles back, discusses Skintish culture and f**ks her brains oot, it’s been worth it.

‘Training’ for a ‘half-marathon’ with the Firstminster takes you out of your comfort zone – but boy does it feel empty when he crosses his finishing line way before you.

Earlier this year, I attended a hustings for schoolchildren citizens at William Wallace Academy to name and shame the ‘enemy within’.

The audience consisted of parents who were all outed as cringing inferiorist traitors to their great wee country.

I asked them: “How many of you are sick to the pit of your stomach at the craven behaviour of your traitorous parents?” Every good citizen’s hand went up.

Then I asked: “How many of you want to live in a Nationalist dominated Skintland?” Very few.

That’s why I explained the SNP strategy in the simplest of terms: “Taking control of your life is what we strive for. We still love our families. And we can visit them in the correctional centres currently being built as part of our ‘Capital’ Infrastructure Project.

A year into the Yes campaign, it is clear the SNP cannot convince anyone of anything beyond their core vote of Nationalist supremacists.

That’s because the Skintish people can spot a Snake Oil huckster on the make every time the huckster’s numerous chins appear on the telly.

The UK is the fourth most unequal country in the world. We want to make Skintland the most unequal.

For the last 30 years, Skintland has whinged and whined more per head of population than the rest of the basturt English put together.

With our country on the brink of another SNP assertion boom, with growth industries such as politicised Barnum statements on the rise, do we really want anything to do with THEM sooth o’ the border?

Do we really want to stay in a place where criticising the SNP can be claimed to be “talkin’ yer country doon”?

Handing real power over to Nationalist types will put us under huge cultural pressure to conform to Skintish stereotypes.

They’re already in the process of centralising and politicising key institutions.

How long till their registers of ‘named persons’ start informing on us for anti-Skint behaviour?

The No camp want you to succumb to fear and insecurity.

With the likes of Joan McCarthyalpine in power, they might have a point.


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Filed under Moan McVulpine, Referendum

That Wiz the Week that Wiznae #2

Sometimes creeping torpor, slithering ennui and an ever present sardonic smile isn’t enough to keep the Neverendum boredom at bay. AhDinnaeKen takes a lazy gambol over the previous week’s news. ZZZzzzz…

"For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity and from a clinician to a bean counter." - William Longshanker Penn.

“For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity and from a clinician to a bean counter.” – William Longshanker Penn.

By Longshanker

Sunday May 19: Big Brother is watching your child

Civilian! Be careful the values you instill in your child!

Civilian! Be careful the values you instill in your child!

The Sunday Express runs a chilling story which, despite the Big Brother graphic and overly sensationalised conclusions, perfectly  illustrates the controlling aspect of the Nationalist mindset.

All Skintish children are to have a ‘named person’ looking after them, noting down all reported instances of anti-Skintish thoughtcrime or behaviour exhibited by the child’s parents. Information recorded is then entered into a database to be used later in order to assign citizenship grading – a form of social audit.

According to the report, the specific aim of the bill is “to undermine parents and give the “community” a greater role in raising children.”

In Orwell’s seminal novel, 1984, the chief protagonist, Winston Smith’s, neighbour, Parsons, falls prey to his children reporting him to the thoughtpolice for speaking in his sleep against Big Brother. A ridiculous notion for modern day Skintland but…

Summed up: The moral difference, if any, between a citizen and a civilian is, a citizen accepts responsibility for the protection of the body politic. A civilian does not. All civilians should beware, the SNP thoughtpoliceman  in your home could be your ‘citizenised’ child.

Monday May 20: The Cancer Sufferer Clearances

The main condition for cancer treatment is affordability. Hurrah for doing things differently here.

The main condition for cancer treatment is affordability. Hurrah for doing things differently here.

Piggy Eyed Patsy Healthminster, Alex Kneel, is ambushed and metaphorically bang ganged on the BBC’s Call Specialkay programme. His policies on health, mean that Skintish cancer sufferers wishing to live, will have to leave Skintland and live in England – a post-modern clearances meme for Bella Caledonication types.
Even the presbyterian puritan wing of the Independence movement cannot deny the natural conclusion of Kneel’s performance and explanations regarding the dispensation of life saving cancer drugs..
No matter how he, his cat herding political master, or his political master’s Star Chamber spin it, access to life saving Cancer drugs is found to be dependent on price and the rulings of SMC managers – not clinicians – in Skintland.

Summed up: The poison chalice of health imposed on the Piggy Eyed Patsy
is seriously undermining him. He might yet end up being called Doctor Death. A shameful example of how ‘we do things differently here’.

Tuesday May 21: Nationalists publish a very serious docupamphlet – Skintland’s Economy: the Heidcase for Independence.

Me and my levers. Sun King Salmond sets out his case for more levers in Skintland.

Me and my levers. Sun King Salmond sets out his case for more levers in Skintland.

At first the forensically detailed 69 page docupamphlet reads like the much vaunted positive case for the Union. It makes it easy to imagine Bitter Together stealing some of the rhetoric and assertions for later use…

In the document’s foreword, the anointed one, Sun King Salmond himself, pleads his visionary case for more levers.

Martin Luther King had a dream. Moses had a vision. Alex Salmond wants a full set of levers.

That’s right, levers! A full set! The sort of economic implements you lever economic levers economically with.

It’s certainly inspired AhDinnaeKen with the zeal and vision of new flowering Skintish political landscapes populated with all different types of levers – economic, political, cultural and social.

In the document’s foreword, in reference to Skintland, Wee Ecky says, “we lack a full set of economic levers”. He also says we are a lever deprived country because he later adds, “Westminster deprives Scotland of the levers.”

And, as he further explains, it’s all Westminster’s lever hoarding fault because they’re durty English lever hoarding basturts. How dare they? They’ll be voting in their droves for a Nationalist party soon and be wanting to lever themselves out of the Union next, er, haud on?!

We don’t have anywhere enough levers in Skintland according to the Firstminster. We need, and must have, more levers for levering the other economic levers to give us more leverage, or something.

Summed Up: I’m not an Indy A-lever, are you an Indy B-lever?

Wednesday May 22: It’s oor baw an’ aw. Gie’s a gemme or wur no playin’

If you're going to issue threats to anyone, sometimes it's best to actually be in the position to follow through on it. Ho hum!

If you’re going to issue threats to anyone, sometimes it’s best to actually be in the position to follow through on it. Ho hum!

Ex-banker Salmond threatens to embarrass Skintland on the international stage by reneging on its debt obligations to the rUK.

In a speech to some bus makers while launching the Heidcase for Independence docupamphlet, he tells the Chancer of the Exchequer that he kens it’s the Chancer’s baw, but if he disnae get a shot, he’s no gonnae play, and he’s takin’ aw the jumpers gettin’ used as goal posts.

Summed up: Are we supposed to take the Nationalists seriously? This reminds AhDinnaeKen of a similarly styled threat made by Wee Eck at the Johnnie Walked rally in 2009. Paul Walsh, Heid Honcho of Dirageo, ‘bitch slapped’ Salmond fir that wan. Take heed – or is that heid? – Wee Ecky, yer tea’s oot.

Thursday May 23: FMQs – sombre mood, sombre conclusions

Blessed be the cancer sufferers for 'social justice' Skintish style has passed them by.

Blessed be the cancer sufferers, for ‘social justice’ Skintish style has passed them by.

With his most serious, sombre and statesmanlike voice and poise, Dr Death Salmond is virtually forced by Wee Jimmie Krankie Lamont to admit what Piggy Eyed Patsy Kneel had already admitted earlier in the week: if you’ve got cancer and money in Skintland you will live, if you don’t, you will die. Unless, that is, you move to England where they still dispense these drugs free at point of need.

Summed up: AhDinnaeKen has a degree of sympathy for the Skints government on this one. But the vast majority of our* heartfelt sympathy goes out to the cancer patients denied treatment due to cost.

Friday May 23: Curriculum for Mediocrity is still mediocre shock!

Would you turn your back on this man? Answers on a front facing blackboard please.

Would you turn your back on this man? Answers on a front facing blackboard please.

Elitist, nepotist and most despicable of all the Nationalists, Mike Bernhard Rust-ell, continues to ignore the impending disaster of his creepy and tainted Curriculum for Mediocrity.

Anyone who has ever read the philosophical values and associated guff which accompanies their schoolchild’s school reports etc. cannot help but be apprehensive regarding its emphasis on ‘citizenship’ and ‘values’. Tied in with the ‘Named Person’ policy outlined above, it’s easily viewed as more than sinister – a conclusion only cemented given the ‘thistle grasping’ minster in charge.

Summed up: A prima facie example of unproven assertion directed straight into policy. No wonder the teachers are revolting.

Saturday May 24: New BBC Skintland Editor required for build up of Neverendum snore-athon documentaries.

Ahh! The British Brainwashing/Bolshevik/Bourgeois Corporation. It's just so bloody biased.

Ahh! The British Brainwashing/Bolshevik/Bourgeois Corporation. It’s just so bloody biased.

The great thing about this new position is that, no matter who gets the job, they will automatically be accused of bias by somebody. And long may that continue. As AhDinnaeKen once pointed out, the BBC is biased against everybody. Lord Reith himself would have been proud of such an accusation.

Expect to see the following labels crop up in the coming months: British Brainwashing Corporation, British Bolshevik Corporation and British Bourgeoise Corporation etc etc tedious etc.

Summed up: Neutrality always looks like support fir the ither side.

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Filed under Economy, Education, Media, Newspeak, Uncategorized

Silly Berkcow DID commit Thoughtcrime rules Big Badass Brother

Smart arse Berkcow gets a caning for committing Thoughtcrime in a truly chilling verdict for sarcasm, irony and idiocy. AhDinnaeKen peeks from behind the curtains:

Why has Silly got her kit off? - *innocent face*.

Why has Silly got her kit off? – *innocent face*.

By Silly Berkcow

THE WHOLE of Twitfaced Britain is facing a huge reappraisal of its thinking/Tweeting following the Silly Berkcow libel judgement in the Highdehigh Court yesterday.

Justice Tugshiscock ruled that Big Speaker’s star Berkcow defamed Lord Lorksalordy in a tweet last November.

She falsely outed him as a human being with a nervous system following a frenzy of television speculation that he was in fact an inhuman monster.

The broadcast – since proven untrue – claimed a senior Tory Tory from the Thatcher years had, at one time, actually behaved like a human being.

Silly, the wife of a big speaking wee man, asked her 56 million Twitter hingers-on: “Why is Lord Lorksalordy recoiling in pain when he is pricked? *Innocent face*?”

Lord Lorksalordy who played a pivotal role in Thatcher’s triumphant years, said Berkcow’s Tweet suggested he was a human being and sued Mrs Berkcow over the slur.

She apologised for sending the Tweet but has repeatedly denied the comment was libellous.

However, the court did not see it that way and ruled she should be publicly humiliated and impoverished.

Justice Tugshiscock said the “natural and ordinary meaning ” of her words meant Lord Lorksalordy was a human being who was guilty of compassion, weakness and tolerance.

He added the words “innocent face” would have been seen by her followers as “sarcastic, jokey and ironical”, and her tweet provided readers with the “last piece of the jigsaw” that Berkcow is indeed an attention seeking arsehole.

The judge said: “Us Lords are fed up of the proletariat thinking they can say what they want on digitalised Socialist media.

“This travesty of a ruling should send out a strong message. Think twice before you decide to question the ruling elite.”

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Neverendum workload ‘too high’, MSP survey warns

More and more MSPs are complaining of having to work for their money in the plasticine parliament. AhDinnaeKen reports on an increasing malaise affecting our freeloading non-entity MSPs.

"She said whit?" Parliamentary incompetents discuss Joan McAlpine's latest outpouring in her Daily Record column.

“She said whit?” Parliamentary incompetents discuss Joan McAlpine’s latest outpouring in her Daily Record column. Now that’s what I call ahem, competence.

By Indoh Lentt

MORE THAN 80 per cent of front and backbench MSPs in Skintland have warned of overly high expectations as a result of the Neverendum, a parliamentary aide has claimed.

A Political Institute of Skintland Suckers (PISS) poll also suggested more than half of MSPs were ‘out of their depth’ in their current roles.

PISS president Boozin Quine said MSPs spent too much time “jumping to the subsidised parliamentary canteen drinking white wine” when they should be doing their job such as asking parliamentary questions or representing themselves in court.

The Skintish government said the system was overly complex for the intellectual capacity of many, but being out of their depth resulted in more ‘compliant’ politicians for Wee Eck.

The Curriculum for Mediocrity is the national curriculum for Skintish politicians with the mental capacities of three year olds.

‘Impact on Skintish parkas’
The survey by Skintland’s largest freeloading union, PISS, asked about 129 MSPs – front, back and subsidised canteen benchers – for their experience of working in the ‘Big Parish Cooncil’.

Results showed that more than 80 per cent thought the increase in expectations was “much too high” or “way way way too high”.

More than half were “barely competent” or “not competent at all” about what they should do in the system.

And almost two-thirds described an electoral voting system approach to measuring progress as “unhelpful” or “not useful at all”.

Robotic, moronic, supine, herdable cat spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “We huv tae pit up wi’ constituents expecting us tae represent them. Ah just tell them they should go and see thur teacher.”

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Filed under Culture, Referendum

Skintish Independence: Let’s keep the English oot

Border controls have been mooted in order to stop hordes of basturt English foreigners from taking our women and University places. AhDinnaeKen followed External Affairs Minster Humza Yumza on his recent visit to Qatar – the cradle of democracy (cough):

“The real struggle for us is for the citizen to cease to be the property of the state.” ― Adam Michnik.  Do you know who your child's Named Person is yet.

“The real struggle for us is for the citizen to cease to be the property of the state.” ― Adam Michnik. Do you know who your child’s Named Person is yet?

By Jock McAverage-Parka

SKINTLAND WILL have to set up strict border controls in order to hold back hordes of basturt English foreigners seeking free University tuition, according to a Skintish minster.

Kiddy-on External Affairs Minster, Humza Yumza, consulted Qatarian elite officials recently on best practice to deal with such a potential situation.

It is believed he was told to adopt the Qatarians standard policy in such circumstances – lock them up at the border, torture them for a bit and keep them in solitary confinement with no visiting rights.

In a speech to the Qatarian elite, Mr Yumza said: “In Skintland we need to do more to increase isolation in our higher education sphere.

“We need to learn to do more to increase surveillance, especially of young people, their politics and their parents bad non-SNP voting habits.

“We have already started this with our Wee Blether anti-human rights ‘Named Person’ plan.

“It won’t be long before Anti-Scotsfinder General Joan McCarthyalpine will be able to root oot the bad thistles in our society just as the Qatarians have done with their so called ‘human rights’ activists.

Qatarian elite officials were so impressed by Mr Yumza’a proposals they have decided to adopt the ‘Named Person’ scheme.

Mr Yumza was so pleased with the warm Qatarian elite reception he gushed: “We do things differently here you know.”

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Filed under Culture, Diplomacy, Morality