Tribute to a great wee guy

THE PREMATURE death of a pet is a shock. I finished work today at 5pm and found out my wee cheeky cheety kat, Thomas, was deid. Gone forever. AhDinnaeKen gets maudlin and sentimental and chokes back the tears:

Such a braw boy. I can’t believe he’s gone.

By Longshanker aka @ergasiophobe

THIS IS my tribute to my wee pal.

He was a runt. A wee bugger. A prolific bird killer – a behaviour which witnessed me close to strangling him umpteen times. But I loved him nevertheless.

And he’s dead now. Killed by who knows what or whom. Two years old. Barely out of kittenhood.

Affectionate, lovable, friendly and always amusing: particularly when I buzzed him with my mini drone and he whacked the life out of it and continued to hunt it forever after.

He never failed to greet me when I got in from work, climbing on top of the bonnet and windscreen to say hello. Eagerly following me into the house because he knew he’d be fed straight away. Cats are like that. I know.

He always joined us at night on the bed and slept the night through: But never failed to ask to get outside as soon as you got up – even if it was only for a pee at 4am in the morning.

Good natured and always up for a cuddle – he particularly liked his whole head being held in the palm of your hand while you rubbed his ears in a circular motion with your fingers- he was just a great wee guy.

He was a wee honey and I still can’t believe he’s gone.

Take care Thomas, you’ll have a place in my heart forever.

Regards.

Longshanker.

Delusion of the 35,000 Indy marchers

Indy march organisers claimed up to 80,000 people marched on Glasgow Green on Saturday 5th May. AhDinnaeKen takes that with the large pinch of salt it deserves. More worryingly, Police Scotland alleged a figure of 35,000. Just how could they have got it so wrong? AhDinnaeKen investigates:

Impressive as the march looked from this perspective, this is only around 2,500 to 3,000 people.

WHEN SANDRA White MSP proclaimed on stage that Saturday’s All Under One Banner Indy march in Glasgow had attracted “between 40 and 90,000 people” it made this correspondent snort with incredulity.

Having inspected the muster point at Kelvingrove Park and having walked the full route to Glasgow Green, my intuition settled on a ‘no more than 10,000’ figure.

It was an estimate that has proven to be scarily close to the mark.

The basis for this conclusion was based on standard crowd density dynamics, observation, calculations on square footage of areas occupied by the marchers, and photographic and Google maps evidence.

If you were to willfully cross into the area of, not at all credible, wishful thinking, you could reach a figure of around 18,000 maximum attendees.

But, by the reckoning of basic physics, photographic evidence and crowd psychology, half that number plus a few extra hundreds would be much nearer the mark.

Consider the illustration below.

The Glasgow Green muster point – marked in red – is approx 4,800 square metres. It was only half full by the time all the marchers arrived.

The highlighted area above was the muster point and stage area. It measures approximately 4800 square meters. Subtract the space used for the stage, the stalls and the support vehicles and you’re looking at appprox 4500 sq metres, probably a bit less.

However, the object of this piece is to cut the marchers some slack. Therefore every estimate made is a clear overestimate – to boost the figure in favour of the Indy supporters.

The maximum credible crowd density we’re going to allow in this calculation is 1.5 persons per square meter.

According to Professor Keith Still, an expert in crowd density dynamics and crowd safety, at 1.5 persons per square meter, you don’t have a great deal of room in which to move but, you’re psychologically ‘comfortable’ and can move freely. If you want to move anywhere, you’re constantly squeezing past people and involuntarily touching/rubbing shoulders with them. Standing still at this density, you effectively have your own space and you’re comfortable.

Two persons per square meter is psychologically uncomfortable. It’s where you have no choice but press against each other. Imagine when you’re getting on a busy tube train, or squeezing into an elevator where a lot of other people are waiting. No one likes doing it but it only lasts for a short while: you can live with it given its short duration and purpose.

The reality of the crowd density on the ground at Glasgow Green was nowhere near the 1.5 person/sq metre mark. I stood at the barrier in front of the stage and could easily have sat down had I wanted to. Based on that observation, it puts the figure nearer the one person per sq metre mark.

Incidentally, Mr Peter A Bell walked past me with his black rod styled walking stick. Aside from one person who got in his way, he traversed the area with no issues or problems to beset him.

This aerial pic gives a better perspective on the muster point and the amount of free space around individuals, particularly the larger area on the other side of the path from the stage. This picture is © of an Indy blogger. I spoke to him at the march. I haven’t attributed his name due to the illegality of flying a drone in a public space without official permission or insurance.

Based on AhDinnaeKen’s over estimated calculation, the absolute maximum number of people at the assembly/stage area would have been 7,200. And that’s based on the full 4800 sq/m being populated at 1.5 people per sq metre i.e. 4,800 * 1.5 = 7,200.

As can be seen from the aerial picture above – taken somewhere between 2:10pm and 2:30pm – the assembly area is nowhere near full. If anything, it’s half full.

There is plenty of free space in this area. Marchers dogs ran around freely, playing with other dogs and interacting with other marchers. It measures approx 8,800 sq metres but, as can be seen from the aerial picture above, it’s mostly space rather than people.

The second larger, and less populated, area (above) is approx 8,800 square metres. The crowd density is clearly much lower than the assembly area, probably about 0.1 persons per square metre. Again, cutting the marchers some slack, we’ll go for 0.25. Doing so gives you a figure of approximately 2,200 people.

Finally, there were people milling about outside the two main areas covered above. If you check the aerial photo below, you can count them individually. Some are even recognisable to those who know them. At a rough estimate the philanderers numbered around 300-500, if that. Over estimation would result in a borderline credible figure of 1,000.

This picture, from a further distance than the aerial pic above has a different angle of incidence and therefore makes the crowd look denser that it really was. © of the same Indy blogger as mentioned above.

All in, using our overestimated figures, the total comes to around 10,400. That’s less than a third of the alleged official Police Scotland figure and nowhere near Ms White’s triumphant proclamation of 90,000.

A more realistic figure, lies around the 8,500 – 9,000 mark. That figure roughly correlates with the numbers which turned out for the Indy rally in Edinburgh back in 2013.

Again, in that instance, the SNP and organiser estimates were vastly inflated. They claimed attendance of 30,000. Edinburgh Police, not Police Scotland, officially estimated 8,300.

These figures do raise questions regarding Police Scotland. You would expect Sandra White and, by proxy, the SNP and the organisers to inflate the figures. They have a vested interest in doing so.

What’s more interesting is how Police Scotland arrived at the 35,000 figure. The BBC Scotland website and all of the newspapers attributed Police Scotland as the source for the figure. But there doesn’t appear to be any official attribution or comment. There was certainly no official figure given on the Police Scotland Twitter feed.

Perhaps a BBC, or any, journalist who repeated the figure could provide an explanation.

In 1994, The Wonderstuff played at Long Marston Airfield, Stratford Upon Avon. The rectangle in yellow highlights the area of approx 40,000 square metres that the crowd assembled in. The official attendance figure, based on ticket receipts, was 60,000 people. That works out at a density of 1.5 persons per sq metre. See what that looked like below.

 

While the perspective is different, making the comparison slightly difficult to gauge, Glasgow Green with its combined muster areas of 13,600 sq metres looked nothing like this regarding the density of people in attendance. So how could Police Scotland have got it so wrong?

 

 

Moan McVulpine: Super-fast grievance train on the right track for Nationalist Scotland

SCOTS MPs have now boarded the high speed grievance gravy train. Moan gauges why there will be 5 billions reasons for some intricately networked whining and why there will be 5 billion more.

By Moan McVulpine – Hitting the buffers on the wrong track

IT WAS once described, by a Scottish Firstminster, as a railroading vote which would derail Westminster’s subjugation of the rebellious Scots.

Nationalist Scots MPs en masse, we were told, would shake the venerable, archaic, undemocratic British establishment of cronyism, corruption and corpulencey into the 21st century enlightenment of Scotland’s democratic ‘awakening’.

Or so they would have had us believe.

That was always a crazy claim to make of the General Election – every study of the giddying assertions made by the Scottish Nationalists has now proven that they can’t even unseat a poor old tottering pensioner from his favourite seating arrangement.

What an unedifying start.

What the pre-election SNP rhetoric did ironically do, however, was push Scot-Nationalist fearing English Labour voters into voting for UKIP while Lib-Dem voters opted for the Tories.

A precursor of Nationalism begetting Nationalism and a sign of things to come.

And, like a Scottish Television besotted Schmuck chuckling over a Nationalist Front polemic, Scotland’s voters fell for the rousing Nationalistic rhetoric – Stronger for Scotland – and thus played a welcome role, by the Tories at least, in helping to deliver the first Tory majority government in over 20 years.

Now that’s what I call echoes of 79 – when the SNP were in the vanguard of assisting Mrs Thatcher into power.

So send your thanks for what’s to come to St Nicola of Sturgeon: a right wing Nationalist Tory government is just what Scotland needs to keep the food banks in full shameful employment and the fires of outraged grievance merchandising well and truly blazing in the hearts of many many Scots.

Scotland’s hope no longer lies in the festering, navel gazing, rotting Labour party. It lies in shellshocked ruin thanks to itself. It may never recover in Scotland.

No, Scotland’s hope lies in Nationalist schism. With over 100,000 new members, 50 new MPs – some of whom are barely able to string a legible sentence together never mind defend a policy – that represents a lot of careful cat herding to be done by the Nationalist centralising apparatchik.

If the Unionist MSM, establishment and political elites really did have some sort of sinister cunning plan they would mercilessly exploit, through interview and scrutiny, the record of the current Scottish Executive embedded in the Big Parish Cooncil at Holyrood.

But it would have to be executed in a way which would chip away at the obvious divisions and tensions inherent in the Scot Nationalist behemoth.

Get it wrong and the UK’s managed decline over the past 50 years will further accelerate as the country collapses into bitter parochial factionalism and infighting.

Y’know, the stuff Nationalists of all persuasions, get off on.

COMEDY RELIEF

What a parcel of cheapskates in a nation

THE SCOTTISH social attitudes survey revealed yesterday what virtually everyone – apart from Scotland’s Braveheart Commandos – already knows: Most people in Scotland couldnae gie a toss about independence – and both campaigns are boring, turgid and don’t touch yer average Jock’s life in any meaningful way whatsoever. AhDinnaeKen investigates:

“Five hunner poun'”. Nae bother said the big wee man yesterday.

By Koodnae Geeyaphuck

SCOTS WOULD vote for independence for the price of an X-Box One and a copy of Grand Theft Auto Five it was revealed yesterday.

Sixty two per cent of the population think the Yes and No campaigns are of no relevance to their lives whatsoever.

And, if anything, core support for independence has fallen.

Professor John Poultice of Scratchcard University articulated the general attitude of Scotland:

He said: “Forget inclusiveness. Forget doing things better here. Forget social justice. And forget London Tory rule.

“What the Scot are really saying to the Nationalist is ‘Show me the money’.

“If Firstminster Salmond can find an inexpensive supply of X-Boxes and Grand Theft Auto V then independence could be in the bag.

“What a parcel of cheapskates in a nation.”

The 670 Commandments: How Moses Salmond will set his people free

The Declaration of the 670 Commandments. The silver bullet which is going to save our country and give us all our sense of self, identity and self respect back. The Nationalists launched 670 ‘visionary’ pages yesterday outlining the definitive case for an independent Scotland, for a country’s destiny. With apologies to King James VI’s bible:

“And the LORD spake unto Moses Salmond, Go unto Pharaoh, and say unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Let my people go , that they may serve me.”

By Deck Larayshun from Mount Imaxi, Glesca.

01 And the sovereign people of Skintland said unto Moses Salmond, Hew thee 670 pages that will turn us to stone: and write upon these pages the words that have already been rent asunder in the Scotsman, the Herald, the Record and all the other Unionist forces of media oppression.

02 And be ready for the most historic day in the history of historic days ever, and come up in the morning to Mount Imaxi and present thyself there to me in front of the fifty foot screen.

03 And no man shall come up with thee, neither let any opposition politician be seen throughout all the Mount; neither let the flocks nor herds broadcast before that mount.

04 And he hewed the 670 pages which would turn thou to stone; and Moses Salmond rose up early in the morning, and went up unto Mount Imaxi as the sovereign people of Skintland had commanded him, and took in his hands the 670 pages of stone.

05 And the sovereign people of Skintland descended unto him, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of FFRREEDDDOOOMMM!!!

06 And the vision of FFRREEDDDOOOMMM!!! passed before them, and Moses Salmond proclaimed, FFRREEDDDOOOMMM!!!, the FFRREEDDDOOOMMM!!!, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and in truth.

07 Keeping mercy for thousands of bedroom tax victims, forgiving traitorousness and collaboration and turncoatedness, and that will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the Unionists, and upon the Unionist’s Unionists, unto the third and to the fourth generation.

08 And Moses Salmond made haste, and bowed his head toward his flock, and worshipped the sovereign people.

09 And he said, “If now I have found grace in thy vision, O sovereign people, let my sovereign Nationalist people, I pray thee, go among us; for it is a brassnecked people; and pardon our iniquity and our sin for ever having been taken in by thou Unionist pish, and take us as fools for thine inheritance.

10 And he said, Behold, I make a covenant: before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth, nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall seek the work of the sovereign people: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee.

11 Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold, I drive out before thee the Toryite, and the Labourite, and the LibDemite, and the UKIPite, and the Polite, and the Pakite.

12 Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a Unionist trap in the midst of thee:

13 But ye shall destroy their currency, break their media, and cut down their Unionist lies:

14 For thou shalt worship no other Firstminster: for the LORD whose name is SuperSalm, is a profligate Lord:

15 Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their childcare, and do sacrifice unto their leccy bills, and one call thee, and thou evict of his bedroom tax

16 And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their votes, and make thy footsoldiers go a whoring after their votes.

17 Thou shalt make thee no molten Unionist rebuttals

18 The feast of unleavened Ryder cup junkets shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt take thy entourage, as I commanded thee, and thou shalt destroy the receipts in the name of bureaucratic efficiency:

19 All that openeth the Neverendum is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether Cybernat or sheep, that is male.

20 But the firstling of an asshole thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And non shall appear before me prepared to vote No.

21 Three years thou shalt work, but on the fourth year thou shalt hide: in defeat and ignominy, thou shalt blame everyone but thy self:

22 And thou shalt observe the feast of five pensions, of the firstfruits of Westminster pension, Holyrood pension, Firstminster pension, MP pension and MSP pension harvest, and the feast of ingathering at SuperSalm’s career end.

23 Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the Lord SuperSalm, the ManGod of Skintland.

24 For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy Schengen borders: neither shall any Eurocrat desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the Lord thy God thrice in the year.

25 Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of legal advice be left unto the Deputy Firstminster.

26 The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the Bute hoose of the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not shirk or seek to hide from the Lord SuperSalm his due.

27 And the Sovereign People said unto Moses Salmond, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words We have made a covenant with thee and with Skintland.

28 And he was there with the Sovereign People for what felt like 400 years; he did hee haw other than say “it’s Westminster’s fault”. And he wrote upon the document the thousands of words of the covenant, the 670 commandments.

29 And it came to pass, when Moses Salmond came down from Mount Imaxi with the 670 pages of assertion in Moses Salmond’s hand, when he came down from the mount, that Moses wist no that the skin of his chins shone while he talked with him.

30 And when Darling and all the children of Skintland saw Moses Salmond, behold, the skin of his chins shone; and they were afraid to come nigh him lest they pish themselves laffin’.

31 And Moses Salmond called unto them; and Darling and all the rulers of the Unholy Unionist alliance rebuked him: and Moses Salmond asserted at them.

32 And afterward all the children of Skintland came nigh: and he gave them in commandment all that Joan McAlpine had ‘spoken’ with him in his hotel room.

33 And till Moses Salmond had done speaking with them, he put a beamer on his face.

34 But when Moses Salmond went in before the Sovereign People to speak with them, he took the beamer off, until he came out. And he came out and spake unto the children of Skintland that which he was demanding.

35 And the children of Skintland saw the chins of Moses Salmond, that those chins shone: and Moses Salmond drew the veil over his assertions again, and pished himself laffin at the naivety of his so called sovereign people.

[With apologies to Exodus 34 and King James VI ]

Moan McVulpine: A land fit for heroes and Nationalists

MOAN SAYS that Bullingdon toff David Cameron’s planned celebrations of the Great War will help the Nationalists in their Quest for Grievance.

By Moan McVulpine – putting the grief in grievance

SCOTLAND LOST a higher proportion of its young men in the Great War than England, according to Joan McCarthyalpine.

That means we* have even more right to feel aggrieved against our Westminster overlords than anyone else in the UK she implies.

She has a point to a degree. Claiming that Scots reacted with horror at £50 million plans to celebrate the Great Carnage, she deliberately misses out the reaction from the rest of the country.

With her usual lack of nuance, she would have us believe that the English will be wholeheartedly behind the celebrations. Doesn’t she remember the million man march against the proposed war in Iraq?

Moan doesn’t think so.

Or maybe she’s being selective with facts to build yet another grievance narrative against the basturt English.

It certainly seems that way.

Like most wars, the Great War was fought over protection of trade rights, resources, power and prestige.

Why anyone – apart maybe those from the playing fields of Eton – would want to celebrate the start of such wanton slaughter leaves you breathless.

But it’s worth remembering that General Haig, a man celebrated with his own statue in Edinburgh, was a bona fide Scotsman.

He executed a strategy of ‘attrition’ without variation over a period of three years on the Western Front. This ensured the consistent misery, death and horror witnessed in the trenches over that period.

Commanders like Haig used to refer to daily casualty reports as “wastage”.

It didn’t matter to him whether you were Scots, Irish, English, Welsh or from the Empire.

Who knows what the casualty rate would have been without such a patriotic Scotsman at the helm.

And, worth remembering, Haig still managed to increase trade on his whisky company’s interests while he gaily sent young men to their premature deaths.

Like most of her tirades, it’s not so much what Joanie says that tells the story. It’s whit she disnae say.

And that’s just like the Nationalists from top to bottom.

How many freedom loving Nationalists do you hear protesting that Firstminster SuperSalm should be raising the Tibetan case with the Chinese authorities?

Instead we have a Tweet celebrating the news that, for the first time, the Chinese population will get the chance to watch live Scottish football games. Woohoo!

I bet the Tibetans are happy about that.

COMEDY RELIEF

“I swear I will do everything in my power to change the situation in Tibet where human rights are being suppressed. Tibet seeks freedom and democracy and we agree on those values.” – Shinzo Abe. Pity SuperSalm won’t “bang some heads” over this problem.

Let them wear Tartan Tory wooly jumpers

Let the common people get shafted. That was the message sent to the big energy companies from Scottish Energyminster Fergus Spewing yesterday. Have the SNP really thrown off the Tartan Tory moniker? AhDinnaeKen investigates:

“We must not tolerate oppressive government or industrial oligarchy in the form of monopolies and cartels.” – Henry A. Wallace. No friend of the SNP then.

By Wintarov Diskintent

SCOTTISH ENERGYMINSTER Fungus Spewing has condemned struggling Scots and businesses to decades of parasitic energy taxes.

In parliament he said that the energy cartels should continue with their carte blanche overcharging of consumers and businesses alike.

Chastising the leader of the Labouring party, Red Millibean, he said: “Trying to reduce consumer prices and small business operating costs is akin to communism and will have no place in a corporate friendly independent Scotland.

“We have our subsidised wind turbine Salmond led vanity project to consider here.

“How dare Millibean suggest that standing up to the UK energy cartel will achieve less misery for millions. Of course it will. And that’s why we urnae fir daein’ anything aboot it.”

Mr Spewing also attacked a Westminster government analysis which concluded that more than two million businesses would benefit from lower electricity and gas prices.

He further claimed that it was typical of a Westminster government to publish such a balanced analysis:

“In an independent Scotland we will have the power to ignore such well balanced nonsense.” he said.

“We will prove to the corporate monopolies, cartels and tax evaders that an independent Scotland will be open for business.”

But opponents of the Tartan Tory corporate backscratchers counter-claimed that the SNP were siding with price fixing cartels against the good of the people.

Commy pinko bolshevik anti-capitalist Labourer, Iain Jiggety Gray said: “No matter how you look at this, the SNP are siding with bloodsucking companies inflicting harm on ordinary Scots every day of their lives.

“If our Westminster masters get back into power we will conveniently forget about this argument.”

That Wiz The Week That Wiznae #5

With Five Pensions Salmond still referring to the present period in the Neverendum snoreathon as a “phoney” war, AhDinnaeKen roams around looking at just how mobile the “phoney” war currently raging really is. It’s for you!

“Third rate politicians are sent to Whollyrude by good people who don’t vote.” – Longshanker

By Longshanker

Sunday June 23: Macwhirter sets the record straight for all those chipped shooder Nationalist types oot there

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” –
Oscar Wilde. I wonder what the Nationalists make of Macwhirter’s disappointment in the Nats.

ONE OF the dullest arguments heard from Nationalist types, in terms of the debate, is that the mainstream media are against them in some broad conspiracy concocted by the enemies of ffrreeddoomm™ and liberty.

Boo hoo. Get ower yer chipped paranoid shooders boys. The media are doing their job. Maybe overly so, but in terms of what it could be, the Nationalists are getting a fairly easy ride.

Acting like an embittered opposition unable to get a platform to put their views across just disnae wash considering the SNP is the party of government up here.

As Macwhirter points out: “The Nationalists blame the Scottish press, but whether Alex Salmond likes it or not, Westminster committee reports and the statements of UK ministers are news. It should not have been impossible for the SNP, with all the resources of the Scottish Government at their disposal, to have organised an effective rebuttal campaign against these interventions, much in the way Labour in the early 1990s managed to win the argument against a hostile UK press. The SNP have been very effective in news management in the past.”

Summed up: Boo hoo, media bad. Boo hoo, they’re all against us. Boo hoo, even the pollsters are biased. Wake up and smell the coffee boys. Unless the white knight manifesto promised in September has magical/mystical properties to change peoples minds, the damp squib Independence campaign is going to be squashed like a mankie tattie. And that would be a shame.

Monday June 24: English Nationalism on the rise and looking for something to focus on.

“I’m interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.” – Clint Eastwood

SKINTLAND’S BRAND of ‘wee jobby’ Nationalism will pale into insignificance when England’s version finally decides to wake up reckons the estimable political commentator David Torrents.

In a ThinkSkintland piece, he vaguely charts the rise of the phenomenon and hints that its ‘grievance’ focus may become the perceived and devolved “privileges” of the Skints – all paid for at their perceived expense.

Right or wrong, the perception of Nationalism doesn’t really matter. All that counts is how universally hated you can make the common enemy seem in order to unite your communal hatred around.

As AhDinnaeKen has pointed out before, the English brand of Nationalism may yet place Skintland firmly in its sights and focus on our current escapist obssession as a threat to their pursestrings, power, prestige and identity.

UKIP and their particular brand of Nationalism may yet become the biggest threat to Skintland and the greatest opportunity for our ‘wee jobby’ Nationalists to exploit.

Whether we vote Yes or No, if England isn’t in a benevolent mood toward us, the future will be volatile, dangerous and likely to lead to several different types of unpleasant outcomes.

Summed up: As international relations cool between the major players and subsequently become increasingly dangerous for the world, does the ‘wee jobby’ Nationalist ‘economic levers’ vision of alleged ‘social justice’ really matter? Answers in crayon on a postcard to Five Pension central please.

Tuesday June 25: Spent actor Brian Cock to be voice of Druggy Drug

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.” – George Bernard Shaw. Here’s to Newsnat’s laughable myopia.

NOT ONLY has the Ffrreeddoomm™ campaign attracted the ‘cream’ of the celebrity set, now the cartoon characters are climbing on bored too.

NewsnatSkintland has come up with the sublimely humorous idea of Druggy Drug, a spaced oot pro-Yes separatist Highland worrier who “talks shite, while pishing on anything of any interest or substance”.

And while the previous quote may or may not be made up, here’s a real quote from the main driver behind the idea, NewsnatSkintland’s semaphore officer, Lynda Williamsonoforange.

When asked on the British Brainwashing Corporation’s Guid Mornin’ Skintland if Druggy Drug would give a balanced view of each issue, Ms Williamsonoforange said: “It’s going to be the view of NewsnatSkintland. At NewsnatSkintland we do have an editorial line which is pro-constitutional change, so it will be coming from that angle.”

So that’s a big fat NAW then!

Summed Up: The alleged Skintish comedy, Bob Savant Independent, proved just how embarrassingly unfunny Brian Cock can be – despite the series having had its moments. Druggy Drug might appeal to fellow cartoons like Asterix the Galling, but real people will see it for the embarrassingly partisan pish it really is. Just like NewsnatSkintland, eh readers?

Wednesday June 26: Why laughing at Nationalist supremacists is forever

“Anyone with a platform of authority—editor, scholar, teacher—owes the audience a transparency that the use of “we” (like the use of the passive voice) can obscure.” – from the cupboard under the stairs in Bath.

WE* LIKES the ahem, ‘professional journalist’ Rev Stuart Campbells who writes, edits and froths out loud in Nationalist supremacist site Wangs Over Skintland.

We* might not like him in the social, political or humanitarian sense, but we* like him because he is always guaranteed to make us* belly laugh whenever we* dip into his pseudo-political blog.

Take his ‘special’ think piece written on Wednesday (please, just take it) entitled ‘Austerity is forever’.

The first paragraph is ironic comedy gold and we* quote its opening paragraph here verbatim:

“I’m going to do something I only do rarely and write this post in the personal pronoun, because it’s very much a personal view rather than an attempt to speak for a wider section of the independence movement.”

Anyone vaguely aware of the site who isn’t a Braveheart Commando or Nationalist McNutjob or Polarised Militant or Joan McAlpine, can’t help but be amused by the regular use of “we” and “us” when he really means himself.

He may speak for his followers – the Wangers – and that may justify the use of the pluralis maiestatis (majestic plural), but anyone aware of this individual’s modus operandi knows what’s really behind it – narcissism, aggressively disingenuous sophistry and an overly inflated ego out of control.

As Ben Zimmer the esteemed columnist of the New York Times recently wrote:

“Nameless authors of editorials may find the pronoun we handy for representing the voice of collective wisdom, but their word choice opens them up to charges of gutlessness and self-importance.”

Or: “The royal and editorial we are examples of the exclusive we, meaning that the person being addressed is not included in the scope of the pronoun.”

Onyhoo, we* digress. In keeping with the monotonously tedious Nationalist whinging recently aboot how ‘positivity’ always wins oot in political campaigns, we* have this “personal view” about the upcoming chance for the Skints to board the lifeboats before the UK Titanic behemoth stops ruling the waves and sinks under a herd of buffaloes charging toward a cliff with a helicopter on it, or something.

It’s a mostly laughably tedious monologue about how we* are all under the metaphorical yoke of a dystopian Orwellian type nightmare where the middle classes are responsible for their own subjugation under the auspice of uncaring and dispassionate political classes in whose interests austerity is best maintained.

The British middle-class will tolerate anything, according to the ahem, ‘professional journalist’, so long as they can maintain a sense of superiority toward the working class and underclass:

The ahem, ‘professional journalist’ further said:

“The British middle class – as we’ve seen by the remarkably muted response to austerity, compared to the riots in other countries – can tolerate its circumstances worsening considerably, as long as it can still see the gap between itself and the wretched poor.” he says.

So, not only can he speak for “a wider section of the independence movement”, he can also speak for the aspirations and outlook of the British middle-classes. We* doff our cringing cap and tug our inferiorist forelock to his ubiquituous all encompassing superior talent.

As you can imagine, the Wangers lap it up, love it to bits, mull it over and then form a queue of half-wits in the comments section coming out with trite phrases such as: “we need to get this out to more people” or “more people need to read this” or “people need to read this article and understand its truth“.

Summed up: We* understand this piece’s scaremongering philosophy and understand the Nationalistic sub-text all too well – the Rev needs to get out more and mingle with some real life Skints, not just the online McAnorak variety. Having no progeny and living in a cupboard under the stairs in Bath, when you could easily come back to Skintland with £30,000 worth of mendicant snake oil money in your pocket, is no way for a middle-aged embittered man to live; it’s sterile, empty and like his ‘Austerity is forever’ piece, ultimately meaningless.

Thursday June 27: Denial is a mindset in Skintland (amongst certain types)

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.” –
Wangs Over Skintland

ALEX MASSIEFERGUSON puts some meat on the bones of the topics covered by Mr Torrents ThinkSkintland piece from earlier in the week.

He articulates the figures and percentages onto the cuts suffered by the Skints Barnett formula budget duly doled out to the surly Nationalist executive by the hated English Bullingdon Toff Towel Folding Chancer.

As he rightly points out, it’s still a cut and it’s one that will affect the quality of future Barnum statement snake oil pronouncements issued by the Nationalists to aid their not very cunning separation plan.

Skintland has suffered from a very real reduction in funds of 1.9%. In relative terms it’s still significantly less than the 10% and greater reductions suffered by the English – in terms of justice, local government, environment, St George’s flags and flat stale beer.

They’re the sort of figures which will be used by the likes of the UKippers to foment resentment against the Skints by those susceptible to such empirically evidential sentiments – by current estimates, approximately 23% of the actively voting English population.

Of course, Mr Massieferguson’s argument is geared toward the reality that almost all Western governments are having to cut back on public spending.

He argues that the Nationalists are not being forthright with the Skintish public about the scale of cuts they could expect from an independent Skintish government.

But we knew that already anyway.

Summed up: Mr Massieferguson’s piece asks the questions that Skints deserve to have answered as candidly as possible by the pro-independence camps. The first casualty of the indy campaign – from both sides – is and was the truth. The onus is on the Yessers to provide the honest answers.

Friday June 28: Lament reshuffles shadow cabinet – nobody notices except Canned Macintosh

Iain Jiggity Grey. Back on the front benches. Yesterday.

SKINTISH LABOUR party reshuffles its shadow cabinet – no one cares overly much. Ho hum.

Johann Lament has certainly provided some moderate entertainment in FMQs recently. Her mud slinging strategy waged against Five Pensions Salmond and his supine spineless SNP backbenches has at least provided some light entertainment, if nothing else, in the tediously dull big parish cooncil debates hosted at Whollyrude.

Meanwhile Jiggity Grey is back in the front bench as the main opponent for Finance Backstabber John Swindley.

Summed up: Here’s hoping some good comes out of it. We*’re not holding our breath. ZZzz…

Saturday June 29: Salmond makes a naked grab for women and their votes

“There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.” – Five Pensions Salmond.

CALL THIS site whatever you want. There has been nothing in these pages quite so embarrassingly cynical or obviously desperate as the Firstminster’s sadsack attempts at appealing tae the wimmin.

He’s not going to attend the Open because the club hosting it is an all male exclusive affair. Gin and Tonics all round, pass on the canapes, woo hoo, he really is an egalitarian faither o’ the country in waiting etc etc.

Summed up: Does standard political back slapping come any more obvious than this. We* think we* should be told.

* Apologies for the use of the Royal we* throughoot this piece. We* are in fact a bunch of pregnant wimmin wi’ tapeworms and a moose in oor pocket.

That Wiz the Week that Wiznae #2

Sometimes creeping torpor, slithering ennui and an ever present sardonic smile isn’t enough to keep the Neverendum boredom at bay. AhDinnaeKen takes a lazy gambol over the previous week’s news. ZZZzzzz…

“For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity and from a clinician to a bean counter.” – William Longshanker Penn.

By Longshanker

Sunday May 19: Big Brother is watching your child

Civilian! Be careful the values you instill in your child!

The Sunday Express runs a chilling story which, despite the Big Brother graphic and overly sensationalised conclusions, perfectly  illustrates the controlling aspect of the Nationalist mindset.

All Skintish children are to have a ‘named person’ looking after them, noting down all reported instances of anti-Skintish thoughtcrime or behaviour exhibited by the child’s parents. Information recorded is then entered into a database to be used later in order to assign citizenship grading – a form of social audit.

According to the report, the specific aim of the bill is “to undermine parents and give the “community” a greater role in raising children.”

In Orwell’s seminal novel, 1984, the chief protagonist, Winston Smith’s, neighbour, Parsons, falls prey to his children reporting him to the thoughtpolice for speaking in his sleep against Big Brother. A ridiculous notion for modern day Skintland but…

Summed up: The moral difference, if any, between a citizen and a civilian is, a citizen accepts responsibility for the protection of the body politic. A civilian does not. All civilians should beware, the SNP thoughtpoliceman  in your home could be your ‘citizenised’ child.

Monday May 20: The Cancer Sufferer Clearances

The main condition for cancer treatment is affordability. Hurrah for doing things differently here.

Piggy Eyed Patsy Healthminster, Alex Kneel, is ambushed and metaphorically bang ganged on the BBC’s Call Specialkay programme. His policies on health, mean that Skintish cancer sufferers wishing to live, will have to leave Skintland and live in England – a post-modern clearances meme for Bella Caledonication types.
Even the presbyterian puritan wing of the Independence movement cannot deny the natural conclusion of Kneel’s performance and explanations regarding the dispensation of life saving cancer drugs..
No matter how he, his cat herding political master, or his political master’s Star Chamber spin it, access to life saving Cancer drugs is found to be dependent on price and the rulings of SMC managers – not clinicians – in Skintland.

Summed up: The poison chalice of health imposed on the Piggy Eyed Patsy
is seriously undermining him. He might yet end up being called Doctor Death. A shameful example of how ‘we do things differently here’.

Tuesday May 21: Nationalists publish a very serious docupamphlet – Skintland’s Economy: the Heidcase for Independence.

Me and my levers. Sun King Salmond sets out his case for more levers in Skintland.

At first the forensically detailed 69 page docupamphlet reads like the much vaunted positive case for the Union. It makes it easy to imagine Bitter Together stealing some of the rhetoric and assertions for later use…

In the document’s foreword, the anointed one, Sun King Salmond himself, pleads his visionary case for more levers.

Martin Luther King had a dream. Moses had a vision. Alex Salmond wants a full set of levers.

That’s right, levers! A full set! The sort of economic implements you lever economic levers economically with.

It’s certainly inspired AhDinnaeKen with the zeal and vision of new flowering Skintish political landscapes populated with all different types of levers – economic, political, cultural and social.

In the document’s foreword, in reference to Skintland, Wee Ecky says, “we lack a full set of economic levers”. He also says we are a lever deprived country because he later adds, “Westminster deprives Scotland of the levers.”

And, as he further explains, it’s all Westminster’s lever hoarding fault because they’re durty English lever hoarding basturts. How dare they? They’ll be voting in their droves for a Nationalist party soon and be wanting to lever themselves out of the Union next, er, haud on?!

We don’t have anywhere enough levers in Skintland according to the Firstminster. We need, and must have, more levers for levering the other economic levers to give us more leverage, or something.

Summed Up: I’m not an Indy A-lever, are you an Indy B-lever?

Wednesday May 22: It’s oor baw an’ aw. Gie’s a gemme or wur no playin’

If you’re going to issue threats to anyone, sometimes it’s best to actually be in the position to follow through on it. Ho hum!

Ex-banker Salmond threatens to embarrass Skintland on the international stage by reneging on its debt obligations to the rUK.

In a speech to some bus makers while launching the Heidcase for Independence docupamphlet, he tells the Chancer of the Exchequer that he kens it’s the Chancer’s baw, but if he disnae get a shot, he’s no gonnae play, and he’s takin’ aw the jumpers gettin’ used as goal posts.

Summed up: Are we supposed to take the Nationalists seriously? This reminds AhDinnaeKen of a similarly styled threat made by Wee Eck at the Johnnie Walked rally in 2009. Paul Walsh, Heid Honcho of Dirageo, ‘bitch slapped’ Salmond fir that wan. Take heed – or is that heid? – Wee Ecky, yer tea’s oot.

Thursday May 23: FMQs – sombre mood, sombre conclusions

Blessed be the cancer sufferers, for ‘social justice’ Skintish style has passed them by.

With his most serious, sombre and statesmanlike voice and poise, Dr Death Salmond is virtually forced by Wee Jimmie Krankie Lamont to admit what Piggy Eyed Patsy Kneel had already admitted earlier in the week: if you’ve got cancer and money in Skintland you will live, if you don’t, you will die. Unless, that is, you move to England where they still dispense these drugs free at point of need.

Summed up: AhDinnaeKen has a degree of sympathy for the Skints government on this one. But the vast majority of our* heartfelt sympathy goes out to the cancer patients denied treatment due to cost.

Friday May 23: Curriculum for Mediocrity is still mediocre shock!

Would you turn your back on this man? Answers on a front facing blackboard please.

Elitist, nepotist and most despicable of all the Nationalists, Mike Bernhard Rust-ell, continues to ignore the impending disaster of his creepy and tainted Curriculum for Mediocrity.

Anyone who has ever read the philosophical values and associated guff which accompanies their schoolchild’s school reports etc. cannot help but be apprehensive regarding its emphasis on ‘citizenship’ and ‘values’. Tied in with the ‘Named Person’ policy outlined above, it’s easily viewed as more than sinister – a conclusion only cemented given the ‘thistle grasping’ minster in charge.

Summed up: A prima facie example of unproven assertion directed straight into policy. No wonder the teachers are revolting.

Saturday May 24: New BBC Skintland Editor required for build up of Neverendum snore-athon documentaries.

Ahh! The British Brainwashing/Bolshevik/Bourgeois Corporation. It’s just so bloody biased.

The great thing about this new position is that, no matter who gets the job, they will automatically be accused of bias by somebody. And long may that continue. As AhDinnaeKen once pointed out, the BBC is biased against everybody. Lord Reith himself would have been proud of such an accusation.

Expect to see the following labels crop up in the coming months: British Brainwashing Corporation, British Bolshevik Corporation and British Bourgeoise Corporation etc etc tedious etc.

Summed up: Neutrality always looks like support fir the ither side.

THE SCOTTISH ARE CRINGING, PITIFUL SCUM – Wings Over Scotland

Hoist the petards, gird yer bile, and ramp up the hate. It’s an oldie but it’s still an archetypal example of the hate behind hate preacher Rev Stuart Campbell of Wings Over Scotland. The Rev calls the piece entitled Everyone in Britain is a moron “robust polemic”. AhDinnaeKen calls it hate preaching. Apologists and reasonable people will make up their own minds.

Fair minded and honest journalism at its best?

By Longshanker

ROBUST POLEMIC is one name for “Everyone in Britain is a moron”, tongue in cheek’s another, one individual even referred to it as “satire”.

AhDinnaeKen will let the piece speak for itself.

At best it’s the pathetically frustrated ramblings of a petulant child who’s had his dummy taken away.

At worst – well make up your own mind. At worst it’s:

a)  “Fact-based, evidence-supported content” which “is finding an ever-bigger audience,” from  “a Unionist side used to having the media all its own way for decades”.

b) Tedious cretinous moronocism from an ahem, ‘professional journalist’ who doesn’t know the difference between evidence and state machinery cover up on a breathtaking scale. (Hint: check this and look at the laughable alleged evidence the Rev provides to back up his assertion that Livepool fans murdered Liverpool fans at Hillsborough).

If you answered a) You’re an apologist and you need a bath.

If you answered b) You’re reading this right now and possibly thinking what kind of people would donate money to support such a site.

AhDinnaeKen, having faith in humanity, likes to think that the majority of Wangers (Wangs Over Skintland followers and donaters) are mostly well meaning but ignorant of the Rev’s repulsively abhorrent underbelly.

Here’s a brief summary of some of the Rev’s ahem, ‘professional’ fact based, evidence supported, content in “Everyone in Britain is a moron”:

“THE WELSH ARE SNIVELLING, FORELOCK TUGGING WRETCHES”

The Welsh didn’t vote for Lib-Dem Lembit Opik and the Rev likes him.

“THE SCOTTISH ARE CRINGING, PITIFUL SCUM”

Glasgow East’s electorate had a protest vote for the SNP in a by-election but returned Labour at the meaningful general election. The Rev doesn’t like Labour.

 “THE ENGLISH ARE WHIMPERING, SPINELESS COWARDS”

The English didn’t return as many Lib-Dems as the Rev wanted.

“THE NORTHERN IRISH ARE POTATO-BRAINED HALFWITS”

There is a history in Ireland the Rev has no conception of.

AhDinnaeKen doesn’t really do offense, but for some inexplicable reason the following statement on Northern Irish “potato brained halfwits” rankles:

“…voting for someone who tells you in advance that they’re not even going to TRY to represent you is just spectacularly retarded.”

AhDinnaeKen understands that this is free speech and the Rev is at perfect liberty to say such things.

What the prima facie idiot doesn’t realise is, it is exactly what he says that says so much about him.

If the Rev’s a “messenger” then the message is premised on one basic fundamental message – polarised hatred.

It’s still not too late to donate to the hate.

Scotland’s Fantasy Future unveiled

As we now know from the Unionist mischief making BBC, Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon has been very very busy on some important fantasy stuff. It concerns Skintland’s fairy tale future rather than any irritating reality stuff like, y’know, currency, jobs, education and capital projects. Just as well there’s no credibility left in the SNP’s mandate, cos she’d have lost it all with this.

 

Once upon a time…

By Auldnick Inwundah-Land

Summary

SKINTLAND SHOULD have a written constitution which reflects the views of Alex Salmond. The preparation of a written consitution should commence after the SNP come clean on what Independence will actually deliver. It should be for the Salmond subjugated Parliament to devise his process of rewriting the new constitution in the same manner as he rewrites the Ministerial Code. The Plasticine Parliament’s view is that the process of shaping the new constitution should be proclaimed by diktat and the command of our self righteous Sun King. When the process of shaping the new constitution gets underway, the Plasticine Parliament will be just one of the bodies daeing whit it is telt by the Glorious Firstminster. However, the Plasticine Parliament will propose provisions that pay lip service to the concept that the will of the sovereign people of Scotland has ever really mattered to Sun King Salmond. These will include provisions to strengthen his hold on all the major institutions such as the centralising of the police, fire service, local government and law. Here’s to the future of a corporation Skintland where the sovereign people will be roundly shafted in the name of plutocratic interests.

Cynical opportunism costs Nationalists a bomb

Is there anything Wee Eck will not do in order to get his coopon oan the telly?

By Moan McVulpine – A free distributor of breathtaking hypocrisy

THIS COLUMN has repeatedly questioned the motivation of the Nationalists to gain publicity wherever and whenever the opportunity presents it.

Take the Firstminster (please, just take him).

He couldnae get his coopon oan the telly shin enough to tell everyone how sorry he wiz aboot they pare sowels who deid at Glencoe at the weekend.

Champagne socialist, parasitic lawyer and traitor to his country, Ian Notsosmart, questioned the motivation behind the Firstminster’s crocodile tears.

Predictably the frothing febrile Cyber-Natterati attacked the cynical lawyer labelling him “scum”, a “vile stupid piece of work” and a  “despicable wretch”.

Yet, funnily enough, no one even attempted to suggest a media outlet or journalist as a possible seeker of the Firstminster’s opinion.

NOT ONE!

Which, putting it mildly, was no surprise.

One concrete suggestion would have scuppered the Quisling lawyer’s accusation and made him look a bit silly.

The silence from the Cyber-Natterati was deafening.

Therefore, the accusation that Firstminster Salmond is a self serving publicist willing to piggyback on the tragic death of others in order to get his coopon on the telly stands.

GUILTY AS CHARGED.

Notsosmart might be cynical, but he was more than outmatched in that sphere by oor Eck.

Some would call it ghoulish.

COMEDY RELIEF