Category Archives: Diplomacy

Sturgeon signs mutual “torture” pact with Trump and May

NATIONALIST leaders vow to torture legions of unbelievers into submission.

trump-may-sturgeon-torture

“We do solemnly declare that we do not know of any lawful impediment why we, Trump, Sturgeon and May, may not be joined in mutual torturing of our respective sovereign people and populations.”

By Owch Yabassa waterboarding and political torture correspondent

FOR YEARS it has been fashionable to express disgust at the use of torture by western governments. Donald Trump’s new pact with Theresa May and Nicola Sturgeon is set to turn that norm on its head and make torture socially acceptable.

The Donald, yesterday, vowed to continue torturing the populace of the free world and claimed to have taken a leaf out of Theresa May and Nicola Sturgeon’s books:

“Theresa May has tortured both the Brits and the Europeans for months now over what Brexit actually means.

“First she said ‘Brexit means Brexit” and then she said “Brexit means a red, white and blue Brexit”, which meant Brexit wasn’t a black, white or grey Brexit.

“That’s one of the most effective forms of mass population torture I have ever witnessed. Even I found it tortuous and I thought I was a master of the art.”

Theresa May thanked the Donald and even found time to coin a new slogan in praise of the new mutually exclusive torture pact:

“Torture means torture” she said. “And our torture will be a red, black and blue torture which will become infamous throughout the western world.”

Not to be outdone, but knowing her place, Firstminster Sturgeon made the following pledge:

“I swear that I will continue torturing the population of Scotland by threatening to call a second independence referendum every time someone looks at me the wrong way or says something I don’t like.

“Unlike Prime Minister May and President Trump I have managed to torture the whole of the Scottish population simultaneously.

“First I tortured the Unionists with my threats to call a second independence referendum. And then I tortured my ain folk with my pledge to take indpendence aff the table if we could compromise on Brexit meaning something other than Brexit.”

All three leaders have entered willingly into the torture pact and have vowed to continue torturing anyone who has the misfortune to hear anything they have to say.

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America deserved 9/11 said ‘Reverend’ who laughed at it all on TV

NATIONALISTS AND extremists alike are well known for their moralising and pontificating judgemental style. Witness the manufactured outrage of Wings Over Scotland’s faux ‘reverend’, Stuart Campbell, regarding tasteless comments Tweeted by a Tory councillor recently. Stones and glasshouses, pots and kettles come to mind. But what about laughing at 9/11 on TV? AhDinnaeKen provides some much needed context:

"Mawkish, maudlin c**ts" the lot of them said the forensically analytical fraudulent 'reverend'.

“Mawkish, maudlin c**ts” the lot of them said the forensic analytical faux ‘reverend’ in an outburst of 9/11 context, recently.

By Longshanker aka @Ergasiophobe – context correspondent

A REVEREND who “laughed” at 9/11 on TV, has attacked the people who observed a Europe wide three minute silence to honour the Twin Tower victims, as “mawkish, maudlin cunts”.

Reverend Stuart Campbell, a hate preaching Scottish Nationalist from England, claimed America got what it deserved from the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers in New York.

Comparing terrorist murderers, Al-Qaeda, to a dog, the Reverend said: If you kick a dog long enough, eventually it’s going to turn round and bite you, and it’s nobody’s fault but your own.”

And, in further reinforcement of this twisted belief, he also said: There was a widespread sense in this little village of America’s chickens having come home to roost.”

The comments were made on the ‘reverend’s’ blogsite, World of Stuart.

Not content with blaming America for the terrorist atrocity, Campbell turned his rabid froth on the three minute silence proposed in 2001 by the Council of Europe to demonstrate solidarity with the American people.

Finding himself in WH Smith at the designated time of the continent wide vigil, Campbell explained his reaction to those marking their respect for the 9/11 victims: “I was genuinely stunned, in the angry rather than the impressed sense.

“As I walked down the main street, looking at all these idiots standing stock still and silent outside River Island, I just thought: “Fuck you, you mawkish, maudlin cunts.”

“I bet you didn’t stand here like goons for the victims of Enniskillen, as if they’d have given a shit if you did. So why are you suddenly choking back tears for a bunch of American stockbrokers from even further away than Bosnia? Fucking hypocrites.” I kept on walking, and fired all their dirty looks right back at them.”

The Reverend has form on the terrorist outrage. In 2009, in a game forum thread, he confessed to an American game console fan that “9/11 was brilliant. I watched it all on TV and laughed the whole time.”

Yes! How those Americans must have laughed to know just how comically extreme the 'kind hearted reverend' really is.

Campbell said his laughing at 9/11 comment “was an ironic, sarcastic joke which set out to say the most offensive thing possible in order to illustrate a point.” The illustrated point being, of course, that he watched it all on TV and laughed the whole time – ‘comically extreme’.

Apologists defended the Reverend’s shocking outburst, claiming the comments were “taken out of context” and that they were, in fact, a joke.

Longstanding critic of the fraudulent ‘reverend’, Longshanker, put the “out of context” claim in context.

He said: “The context of Campbell’s laughter at the 9/11 tragedy goes way beyond the immediate context of the quote and the surrounding hateful outbursts.

“Campbell had been criticised on a games forum by people more knowledgable than him over a feature he had written for Retro Gamer magazine on a games franchise called Metal Slug.

“The forum is, and was, dedicated to the Neo-Geo games console. The Metal Slug franchise is revered by these guys.

“It’s telling that Campbell’s critics were American. Campbell clearly holds a pathological hatred for America or Americans, as can be seen from his Al-Qaeda sympathising comments quoted here.

“Also worth noting, context wise, is that Campbell was 41 when he made these comments – not just some silly adolescent games geek trying to say the most outrageous thing he could in order to gain notoriety and a reputation as a bit of a ‘naughty’ boy.

“41 year old Campbell made the 9/11 statement in the full knowledge that the limited audience for his toxic offensiveness were Americans on an American forum.

“So, whether the laughing at 9/11 comment was a joke or not, it should still be taken within the context that it was said, that is, to deliberately offend an American audience in the most disgustingly noxious and targeted form possible.

“Anyone claiming otherwise has no concept of context.

“I wonder how Campbell’s cabal of piss-pathetic apologists will excuse his ‘mawkish, maudlin cunts’ comment. Unless, of course, they agree. Which, knowing the apologist type who hang on Campbell’s every word, they probably will.”

Campbell, 46, is a middle-aged, childless, partnerless, siblingless, “oddball” loner, who takes pictures of his shadow on solitary walks and articulates the voice of a certain type of flag and soil Scot, in Scotland.

He also blames 9/11 for his loss of a living, games magazines surrendering to advertisers – as if games magazines had ever done anything else pre or post 9/11 – and the wholesale corruption of the games industry.

Duncan's a thoughtful fellow. We're sure he'll put those thoughts into context.

Campbell claimed Duncan Hothersall had an agenda against Wings “…based on extensive personal experience of Hothersall issuing a long string of despicable lies, defamations, smears and general falsehoods in an attempt to discredit this site.” Ironically, Campbell cited the Tweet above to clear his name. Ye couldnae make it up.

 

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Sturgeon storms America: Funniest comedian on the market say Americans

STURGEON finds her true and natural calling on America’s cutting edge satirical programme:

After Sturgeon's EU joke, Stewart is reported to have told Sturgeon she should give up the day job and get on the American comedy circuit.

After Sturgeon’s EU joke, Stewart is reported to have told Sturgeon she should give up the day job and get on the American comedy circuit.

By Razeda SmyleShameless publicity and comedy routine correspondent

FIRSTMINSTER SAINT Nicola of Sturgeon has appeared on one of American television’s top chat shows.

She instantly trumped Salmond’s profile as Scotland’s lead comedian.

Ms Sturgeon began by questioning her billing on the show’s website as a “politician”.

She told host Jon Stewart: “You billed me on your website as a politician – so you’ve raised all these expectations that I’m going to talk sense.”

The Firstminster added: “I’m a comedian, and as you know, I’ve been having a laugh at Scotland’s expense for the past eight years.”

Ms Sturgeon is on the second day of a four-day trip to America where she is undertaking a series of engagements on the comedy circuit.

Once again, she followed in the footsteps of the Labouring party’s leaders by making an appearance on the Daily Show where she invited America to laugh at Scotland.

Amid laughter from the audience Stewart assured Ms Sturgeon that there was no way he could trump her line “Stronger for Scotland” in the face of her party’s record on education and health.

Other topics touched on during the broadcast included the SNP’s success in suckering the Scottish electorate into believing her party would do better for the country.

American viewers were in stitches in their reaction to the Scottish Firstminster’s comedy routine.

US journalist Skylar Baker-Jordan, who covers Comedy politics, said: “Sturgeon is on top of her game as usual. Deceptive, evasive and contradictory. That line about being Better Together in Europe is a humdinger. Where did she come up with that one. Hilarious.”

The Firstminster’s engagements for Tuesday include taking selfies with kids in front of the media and on Wednesday she will take some selfies with kids in front of the media.

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Exclusive: Bill Walker to advise Salmond on how to deal with ‘uppity’ women

FED UP of being hectored by hysterical women who don’t know their place, Alex Salmond has taken on new multi-experienced adviser Bill Walker. AhDinnaeKen exclusively reports:

A short, sharp, shock soon brings them back to their senses said Walker to Salmond, yesterday.

A short, sharp, shock soon brings them back to their senses said Walker to Salmond, yesterday.

By Black McEyeDomestic incidents and social order correspondent

LASTMINSTER SALMOND has appointed a new adviser to improve his relations with women.

Fed up of being treated like he was a normal politician by hectoring harridans in the House of Commons, Salmond will now take advise from ‘experienced’ domestic relations expert Bill Walker.

Walker has twenty-eight years experience of keeping women of all ages in their place and is expected to impart his expertise with a series of straightforward practical demonstrations.

Ex-jailbird Walker believes in the determined and direct use of improvisational implements such as air rifles, wire coat hangers and saucepans in order to maintain relations between the sexes.

“Women have to know who’s boss,” said Walker, “otherwise they get ideas above their station. And that’s not good for us men who know what we’re talking about.

“We don’t need pointless interruptions from women unable to behave themselves.

“My short intensive domestic relations course should bring Alex up to speed.”

Walker’s appointment is seen as a move attempting to take the heat out of Salmond’s recent altercation with Anna Soubry MP.

Salmond is expected to undertake the intensive course with Bill to enable him to deal quickly and decisively with the pointless distractions presented by hysterical women in the commons from time to time.

An SNP spokeswummin, who knows her place, said: “There is no place for speaking out of turn against a man in the Hoose Of Commons – and this was an example of Soubry getting ideas above her station. This was the sort of incident which could result in a black eye for Soubry if she tries it again. We’ve got Bill on board now and, with his decades of experience, he knows how to keep these hysterical female types in their place.”

http://youtu.be/ZVJ0W6XxDbk

 

 

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SNP ambitions thwarted as the Empire Strikes Back

THEY tried to fight them on the benches, they tried to fight them in the lobbies, but all it took was the guile of two veteran MPs to repel the cream of the Tartan hordes:

Despite having youth and overwhelming numbers on their side, this coterie of SNP MPs still could not take and hold Dennis Skinner's seat at Westminster.

Despite having youth and overwhelming numbers on their side, this coterie of SNP MPs still could not take and hold Dennis Skinner’s seat at Westminster.

By Allies ArmieTartan Goonery correspondent

THE MOST ambitious tartan invasion of Westminster was thwarted this week as SNP ‘goon’ tactics were repulsed on the beaches of the commons green benches.

After four long and exhaustive days of achieving hee haw, the SNP MP hordes were finally faced down and defeated by two plucky pensioners in solitary counter attacks.

Veteran fighting Tommy, Dennis Skinner MP, established and held a bridgehead on the commons benches throughout the week by using a simple diversionary tactic to outflank the Nationalist goons .

And Faither o’ the Hoose, Gerald Kaufman MP, delivered a metaphorical kick in the stones to the pride of the black and yellow hordes.

He said: “It’s all very well for them to try a mob attack en masse, but to try and move one of the longest-serving members of parliament out of a seat that he’s occupied for decades, it’s stupid, Skinner is much too wiley for them, as the results of this futile battle showed.

“They’re goons and it’s plain for all to see that they want to publicly match Salmond’s cheap stunt expulsion from the commons when he interrupted the Chancellor’s Budget speech in 88.

“Even then, Skinner was in before them. In 1985 Skinner used the Ten-Minute Rule Bill to call the Chancellor to account so, even then, the SNP were left following in Skinner’s wake.”

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Filed under CyberNats, Diplomacy, SNP-MPs

Angus Robertson – Skinner’s seat will be our Sudetenland

SNP’S GLOATING lightning war of triumphalism outflanked by 83 year old political veteran:

"With regard to the problem of the Sudeten Parliamentary Sitz, my patience is now at an end!" said Gruppenführer Angus Robertson yesterday.

“With regard to the problem of the Sudeten Parliamentary Sitz, my patience is now at an end!” said Gruppenführer Angus Robertson yesterday.

By Gerrit UpyePolitisch Korrespondent

SCOTLAND’S WESTMINSTER Gruppenführer, Angus Robertson, last night signalled that his blitzkrieg of Nationalist triumphalism had been thwarted by a plucky 83 year old Tommy.

“I could cope”, he said, “with being a small and mostly insignificant party in the last parliament due to my appealing surround sound system purchased on Unionist parliamentary expenses.

“I could just about tolerate the jeers and jibes from the Unionist Untermenschen on the opposing benches following the snivelling cowardly result of the Neverendum debate.

“I could even put up with the counter-productive stream of pishy consciousness that forms the vast majority of Pete Wishart’s tweeting career.

“But,” he concluded, with barely concealed fury, “there is absolutely no way I am going to accept that my Schottisch Schocktruppen could not occupy and hold the seat of venerable 83 year old Labour Verräter Dennis Skinner.

“Our coup was plotted, planned and implemented with steely disciplined precision and still we were thwarted.

“Gott im Himmel. My Named Person could have done better if he had bothered to turn up.”

#RedTory rebel Dennis Skinner, 83, said: “The Nationalist lobby fodder were only following orders. Their Named Person Gruppenführer lost this time, but they will be back and I will be back before them.”

 

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Lookalikes: Nationalist bookburners on tour

Lookalike - Book burners Nationalists

 

Sir

Has anyone noticed the remarkable similarity between Nationalist sponsored “Action against the Un-German Spirit” in 1933 and the Nationalist sponsored “Action against the Un-Scottish Spirit” in today’s modern ‘progressive Scotland 2014? I think we should be told.

Yours sincerely

Fahrenheit 451 & Scottish Bluebell

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