Category Archives: Labour

SNP’s Paisley candidate admits to being a fool

SNP FOOT in mouth candidate for Paisley, Mhairi Black, admitted to being a bit of an eejit today. But she still stuck by the reason for her eejitism. AhDinnaeKen reports:

Mhairi Bluck: Urging voters in Paisley to put the nut in gullible scum celtic supporters. Or something like that.

Mhairi Bluck: Urging voters in Paisley to put the nut in gullible scum Celtic supporters. Or something like that. Yesterday.

By Longshanker aka @ergasiphobe

MHAIRI BLACK, the SNP candidate for Paisley, repeated her claim today that No voters in last year’s independence referendum were “gullible”.

Speaking on Good Morning Scotland, Black repeated her belief that “some” No voters were “gullible” and “there was an element of truth to that”

When asked by the BBC’s Gary Robertson to clarify her remarks as a possible “error”, Black said: “An error? No, I don’t think so. I think there was element of gullibility in terms of the lies that some people were told.”

Probing further, Robertson said: “When you call people gullible that makes it sound as though in some way they’ve been foolish.”

Struggling to find a suitable answer Black failed to retract her claim.

She said: “I understand what you’re saying. And yes, maybe the word wasn’t the wisest.”

Despite the admission of being unwise, Black noticeably refused to retract her “gullibility” claim.

It was the same type of relative apologism witnessed recently when Black was exposed for labeling Celtic fans as “scum”.

Black said her “scum” comment should be put in some sort of “perspective”.

She said: “Tony Blair started a war”, and claimed that by highlighting the “scum” comment her detractors “priorities are a bit skewed”.

Paisley’s voters, like many in Scotland, seem not to care about the gaffe prone candidate’s lack of experience or standards of decency and civility.

After the referendum she infamously said it took all her fibre not to “nut” Labour opponents who were commiserating with her over the result.

Black is currently 11 points ahead in the polls over her nearest rival, Labour’s Douglas Alexander.

The SNP Paisley candidate is understood to have pledged to put every fibre of her being into not ‘nutting’ Douglas Alexander in the unlikely event he hold’s the seat against her.

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Filed under Labour, Newspeak

Wings Over Scotland’s alleged media monitoring? Why I’m still laughing.

We*’ll leave the moralising over Scottish Labour’s stance on kids meals to others. Politically, the SNP cynically outmanoeuvred the Labourers – but it left a bad taste in the mouth nevertheless. As for media monitoring from Nationalist Front website Wingnuts Over Scotland – it’s time for the boy Campbell to get his facts right. AhDinnaeKen indulges a wee new year snigger:

Media blackout? How long is it that Campbell claims he's been an ahem, "professional journalist".

Media blackout? How long is it that Campbell claims he’s been an ahem, “professional journalist”. The above is the picture of the Record tweeted by Kevin Pringle today.

By Ahmstill Laffin

LABOUR VOTED against the Nationalist government yesterday.

They had no choice.

To have voted for the Nationalist government’s provision would have meant that Labour would have supported independence as a necessity for childcare in Scotland.

The Nationalists knew that. It’s why they inserted the independence guff.

Ho hum! That’s cynical turnoff politics at its worst.

Step forward the internet’s hate preaching guardian of Nationalist morality, Wee Stuarty Campbell of Wingnuts Over Scotland.

Here’s what he wrote in a piece entitled “Conspiracies of silence“:

“…sure enough this morning’s papers execute a 100% news blackout of Labour’s opposition that stretches their credibility as impartial chroniclers of events to breaking point.

“The Scotsman, Herald, Daily Record, Scottish Daily Express and Guardian all choose to completely omit Labour’s vote from their coverage. Only STV’s Scotland Tonight reported it, inviting the party’s education spokeswoman Kezia Dugdale to defend the decision, which she did in an extraordinary way.”

Consider the picture above tweeted by Kevin Pringle, the Nationalists Strategic Communications Director.

Is that a Daily Record editorial I see?

Our message to Campbell. Go back to Media Studies class sonny. You’ve missed oot on too many lessons.

Despite my hoots of laughter, I’m embarrassed for you and all those half-wits who refer to your “trenchant insights” as facts.

If your piece “Conspiracies of Silence” is an example of media monitoring, leave it to the professionals.

 

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Filed under Labour, Wangs Watch

Bullingdon posh boy set to punish workshy oiks

Towel folding Chancer’s recent announcement to penalise the long term jobless for their wilful idleness will have several beneficial economic offshoots, according to absolutely nobody. AhDinnaeKen investigates:

Hard working people need to be able to recognise "the enemy (virus) within." said Gideon Richborne yesterday.

“Hard working people need to be able to recognise the enemy (virus) within.” said Gideon Richborne yesterday.

By Hardquore Scrownjar

THE LONG term unemployed are to be punished in order to drive key economic indicators for the Benevolent Tories it has been claimed.

Chancer of the Exchequer, Gideon Richborne, is set to announce a range of punishments for the plebs of society later this afternoon at the Tory Tory Tory conference.

Richborne will promise an exponential increase in misery, poverty, humiliation, despair, suicide and crime.

The long term unemployed haven’t been stigmatised enough according to the Bullingdon Chancer and this populist measure is expected to increase his party’s election chances in 2015.

The £300 million “Help Us to Get Elected” package will see 200,000 assorted low-lifes, illiterates, drug addicts and reprobates given no other choice than to do what their Conservative betters tell them.

And the measure is expected to have the added benefit of keeping the lowly paid in line in order to boost their superiors bank balance.

According to Conservative Bankers for Business spokesperson, Hartless B’Stard, the move will have several societal benefits for the Tory Party.

He said: “Driving the benefits bill down means that we can also drive wages down in the full knowledge that nobody will give up their shitty and soul destroying low-paid job in case they fall into our hands. Result!”

It is also expected that people losing their benefit will engage in entrepreneurial activities such as hanging themselves, overdosing, mugging old grannies, casual theft, prostitution and aggravated burglary.

People placed on the new scheme will have to wear a yellow star on their shoulder so that decent hard working voters can instantly identify them.

“This something for nothing virus has spread through our society like a cancer” said a random pub bore.

“Gideon has the right idea. For every pleb he can get off benefits, that’s another free bottle of bolly for the next Tory party conference. Hurrah for our poshboy social superiors.”

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Sturgeon supports Cameron’s stance on EU budget

Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon agrees with David Cameron’s austerity strategy on EU  budget funding.

 

Bullingdon Dave - pishes himself at Labour's response to Sturgeon's implicit Tory support.

Bullingdon Dave – pishing himself at Labour’s response to Sturgeon’s implicit Tory support.

By R.I.P. PonseybodyNewsnat Chief Denial Reporter

SCOTLAND’S YESMINSTER was today accused of being a ‘Tartan Tory’ after she backed David Cameron’s stance on EU budget cuts.

Speaking on the BBC Radio’s flagship propaganda programme, Good Morning Scotland, Miss Leader Sturgeon offered support to the under fire Tory Prime Minister.

The admission followed questioning from the BBC’s Chief Quisling turncoat traitor basturt Gary Robertson when he asked if she supported in “principle” the reduction in EU budgets over the next six or seven years.

Mr Robertson asked Yesminster Sturgeon, “I wondered in principle if you agreed with the Prime Minister’s stance?”

Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon replied: “I think everyone accepts that in a time of austerity you cannot have European budgets increasing when national budgets are decreasing.”

Her comments provoked furious response from Scottish Labour who accused the Yesminster of double standards.

Shadowminster for Social Injustice Drewaface Smith barked: “This is typical of the SNP, talk left, act right and then when it comes to the crunch, side with the Tories.”

BBC beaks also invited Secretary of State Michael Moore or his deputy David Mundell to appear on the programme.

Both declined due to previous toenail clipping commitments.

A cringing apologist spokesperson for the Scottish Office said: “Michael or David would have appeared to be interviewed, but the Deputy Miss Leader had already done their job for them, so why bother?”

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Filed under Economy, Labour, Referendum

Westminster caves into SNP censorship

The mother of all parliaments finally surrenders to the constant whinging, moaning and sniping from Westminster’s dreichest most humourless party, the SNP.

"The first condition of progress is the removal of censorship." - George Bernard Shaw. Hmm! Seems the Nationalists have failed at the first condition then. Ho hum!

“The first condition of progress is the removal of censorship.” – George Bernard Shaw. Hmm! Seems the Nationalists have failed at the first condition then. Ho hum!

By Ahmsane Nuffin

WESTMINSTER SCRIBES are set to ban the use of words that the Scottish Nationalist Party doesn’t like.

It follows a highly successful censorship campaign by Private Fraser Wishart, a humourless SNP MP, intended to close down debate and ‘doom‘ everyone to ffffrrrreeeeddddoooommmm™ Nationalist style.

The cave-in by the scribes follows a campaign of relentless SNP pressure to censor words they deem ‘pejorative’ to their cause.

Critics say the spineless climb-down by Westminster’s parliamentary authorities will only encourage the SNP to ask for more.

SNP press gang baron, Kevin Bagapringles, is allegedly drawing up a hit list with other SNP censors in order to ‘progress’ the debate.

Wishart cited a precedent set by Mussolini in 1929 in which the use of certain language was banned in Fascist Italy.

Pleased at his achievement, Wishart told AhDinnaeKen: “Mussolini himself would be proud of what I’ve done today.

“I can’t wait till we separate from the UK and form a ‘government’ in the Big Man’s image.

“It’s about time the pejorative word ‘democracy‘ was banned in Westminster. It’s certainly been banned in the Scottish Plasticine Parliament since 2011.”

Bagapringles hit list of offensive pejorative words deemed unfit  for ‘progressive inclusive’ debate includes; isolation, segregation, divorce, split, division, apartheid, fracture, dislocation, insulation, seclusion, alone, reality, Europe, Sterling, NATO, denial, fantasy, lie, Cybernat and Nationalism.

Phrases such as Freedom of Information, unicameral dictatorship, legal advice and wee pretendy parliament are also believed to be on the hit list.

COMEDY RELIEF

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Filed under Culture, Labour, Newspeak

Methadonations help keep crime rate down

Whollyrude drug barons are rippin’ the pish oot o’ hardoworkin’ Scots throughout the country – Daily Ranger shock findings.

"People who have never had an addiction don't understand how hard it can be." - Payne Stewart. Benny Marra, addicted to self publicity. You go girl!

“People who have never had an addiction don’t understand how hard it can be.” –
Payne Stewart. Benny Marra, addicted to self publicity. You go girl!

By Ootma Heidman

THE INDEPENDENCE message of a better Scotland where we “do things differently here” is false according to methadone addicts.

Experts and third rate MSPs have lined up to both defend and attack the Scottish Government in equal measure over its ringfenced universal benefit and methadone philanthropy.

But the loudest, most resonant and damning voice in the whole debate is the sub-sonic drone of the Metha-drone community.

According to the Committee of Experts (Scotland): “Statistically, Metha-drone man is a 30 year old single unemployed male of limited talent, worth or ability to contribute to society.

“If Metha-drone man wants to come off of drugs such as methadone it takes a great deal of will and commitment – which has never really been there – not to mention unaffordably expensive government funded support.

“To do this, most of all, Metha-drone man needs HOPE that his life will improve post-addiction.

“Separatism, isolation, secession, independence, ffffrrrreeeeddddooommmm™, whatever you decide to call Tricky Dicky Salmond’s vanity project, universally fails to provide that HOPE for metha-drone man.

“He only sees bawbag ex-bankers in expensive suits – so he’s not compeletly alone there.”

“Considering that this is the demographic highlighted as most likely to vote for separatist isolation, what does that tell you?”

The death rate amongst the methadone community has more than doubled since the SNP came to power in 2007.

Minster of Evasion on Health Matters, Michael Mathedone, has publicly admitted in the Big Cooncil to Tory Tory Annabell the Heidy that he “didnae ken how many o’ thae junkies hud stoaped takin’ thur shite.”

But he pointed out that every one of the record 584 deaths in Scotland could be considered a saving for the treasury.

He said: “Moses Salmond rightly pointed out in the Big Cooncil debating chamber today that reported crime is at a record low in Scotland.

“The reason is two fold: One – we have a politicised central police force empowered to ignore incidents they consider unworthy of reporting and Two – mare deid junkies means less crime full stop.

“Diz middle class Scotland no realise the crime wave that would be unleashed should we stop the constant drip slurp drip of methadone soma for society’s drop oots?

“£36 million poun a year is a no bad price to be payin’ fur low crime rates.”

Self righteous, bandwagonning, empty coated, grandstanding hypocrite spokesperson for the Labouring party Benny Marra MSP said: “This is a subject upon which I can make my name at the expense of the SNP’s Road to Ruin methadone programme.

“You can guarantee that I will milk it for all my photogenic worth. Annabell the Heidie has been banging on about this for years, but I’ll get all the attention because I’m better looking and younger than her.

“Junkies! I s**t on them!”

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Filed under Culture, Labour, Morality, Opinion

Scottish Labourer Rami Lama Buyakasha to step down as head of tragedy

Knight of the long steak knives victim Rami Lama Buyakasha carved up by Lament

"Strategies are like knives, that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or the handle" said Rami with three knives sticking out of his back.

“Strategies are like knives, that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or the handle” said Rami with three knives sticking out of his back.

By Earnest Rom

SCOTTISH LABOUR’S head of aimlessness and talentlessness said getitupye’s to his comrades this week.

Rami Lama Buyakasha’s ‘kick oot the door’ came a month after former general commisar Colin Smythington-Barmy said “baws tae the lot o’ ye’s”.

Labour had previously said Mr Buyakasha was being ‘mutually consented’ and was only waiting to see how much his silence could be bought for.

Mr Buyakasha said: “Being aimless and talentless in a political cabal such as the Labour Cabal is a real advantage. I have been more aimless and talentless than most and this ‘mutual consenting’ is my just reward.”

He added: “I have been part of a team who have not only made the SNP  look credible but seem deserving of a chance in the Neverendum. Now is a good time to move on.”

Last year a major shake-up for the Scottish Labouring Cabal’s organisation was agreed and Mr Smythington-Barmy’s ‘boot oot the door’ was seen as Johann Lament’s face muscles being given more authority.

Mr Buyakasha worked long and hard to make the SNP  look good when compared to Labour.

Ms Lament said: “I would like to thank Rami for making they hauf-wits and ne’er dae weels look better than us.

“He is a man of unconsiderable talentlessness and no-one could ever say that we don’t look poor when compared to the SNP.

“He leaves with my best wishes and assurance that should he wish to come back, the door will always be closed.”

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SNP could win Neverendum admits Labouring Wonk

Red Millibean concedes that SNP government could win the Neverendum in 2014

“Fear cannot be without hope nor hope without fear.” – Baruch Spinoza. Red Ed hopes that fear will quash sovereign Skintland’s hope.

By Lostice Marbles

LABOURING LEADER Red Millibean has admitted that some people might vote Yes in the Neverendum.

Speaking after he witnessed the massive groundswell of popularity at the Independence Frrreeeedddddooooommmmmm™ rally last week in Edinborrow, he said “that’s it, the country’s f**ked.”

In a speech to the Scotch Knights reception at the Labouring Party conference in Personchester, the Labouring Wonk spoke of his fears of being forced to take the SNP seriously.

He said: “Let’s face it, Skintland could rise and become a nation again and act as a beacon of inclusive progressiveness which will save the world and the rUK from itself.

“I remember the Lord of the Rings when Gandalf got little Scotch hobbit Peregrine Crook to light the beacon at Gondor to ask for Rohan’s help.

“A Yes vote in the Neverendum would be the lighting of that beacon for the watching world.”

Mr Millibean also told his audience that he would be appointing Most Haunted’s Derek Acorah as his chief adviser for economic and spiritual rejuvenation.

He explained that there was several billion pounds outstanding in a tooth fairy account which lay outwith the remit of the City of London.

Mr Acorah has regularly freed haunted buildings from malevolent spirits, ghosts and poltergeists and is believed to have opened negotiations with the tooth fairy in order to clawback her ill gotten tax haven gains.

The Labouring party expects his assistance to help rid Britain of the ghoulish and ghastly Tories presently haunting the Westminster parliament.

SNP Braveheart Commandos are currently getting their woad painted sporrans in a twist due to a series of high profile Labourer gaffes which they feel is handing them fffrrreeeeedddddooooommmmm™ on a plate.

Professor John Poultice of Scratchcard University said: “What everyone seems to forget is that in the closing week of the Scottish Parliamentary vote in 1979, Yes voter intention peaked at 66 per cent.

“Yet after some high profile scaremongering it dropped to 51%. The real scaremongering hasn’t even started yet.”

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Filed under Culture, Labour, Referendum

What’s Salmond hiding in Sturgeon’s drawers?

Labourer leader Fandabadozie Lament claims unpaid bills are stacking up in Auld Nick Sturgeon’s drawers.

“Trust is like a mirror..once its BROKEN you can never look at it the same again… ” – Anon. Aboot time a few sovereign people of Scotland took a look in the mirror.

By Snakeoil Huckster

FANDABADOZIE LAMENT sparked controversy yesterday when she pledged to end Scotland’s ‘something-for-nothing culture’.

The diminutive ranter said it was time to end the kiddy on devolved government which could be scrapped if she comes to power.

Here on AhDinnaeKen she claims Scotland needs to ditch the something for nothing talking shop parliament stacked up with List D non-entities and subsidised Pinot Grigio consumers.

“““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““`

We’ve aw din it.

The gas, electricity and phone bills all land on the same week and you’d rather get mad-wi’ it on Navid’s special offer Buckie.

So you don’t pay them, get somebody to ‘fix’ the meters and forget aboot it.

You do the same with the final demands and hide behind the curtains when the ‘men’ come to collect.

It’s a perfect bawbag reaction from somebody struggling with an attitude. But is it the way to run a Big Parish Cooncil in Edinborrow?

Maybe in Skintland, but not in the real world. But that is what Sun King Moses of Salmond and Auld Nick Sturgeon are doing.

Everybuddy knows that the moolah’s ran oot.

Salmy and Auld Nick know it. That’s why they asked a big boy to report on how much was in the tuck shop tin and were told plainly, not once but hunners o’ times – there’s no even enough fur a roll and sausage wi’ tomato sauce.

In typical “Ah’m no listenin’ to this anti-Scot Unionist pish fashion” they stuck their fingers in their ears and said “La la la la la”.

Whit ah’ve done is send them a reminder that I want even mare sovereign Scots to look upon me as an austere Tory in waiting – and the SNP as paragons of the peoples’ virtue.

Why aren’t more Scots aware of this? Who knows – though think back to Ally’s army in 1978 and ask why we thought we could win the World Cup.

Free prescriptions? Sure – get yoursel’ on the Road to Ruin methadone programme and set up a wee business sellin’ it on.

Free prescriptions for methadone men cost around £38 million.

For that you could hire mare than 1600 nurses – close to the number of nurses gie’d the boot by Auld Nick in her ‘formidable’ capacity as Health Minister.

A Council Tax Freeze? Pure dead brilliant. A centrist move echoing the centrist moves by Maggie Thatcher in the 80s. So much for local democracy and autonomy at a local level.

Wee Blether Salmond is watching your cooncil and strangling them so he can look good in the electorate’s eyes.

Sun King Moses of Salmond is rippin the pish oot o’ the Scots. Polls show almost a third ur daftie enough to be taken in by this ex-Banker’s sustained but unsustainable con trick.

Fir Christ’s sake, when are us weans gonnae realise that the man with the sweeties wantin’ us to get into the motor for a bit o’ independence is wantin’ tae take us for a different kind of ride.

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Filed under Economy, Election, Labour

Hurricane winds leave electorate up to their knees in political foam

Labourer leader accuses Sun King Salmond’s party of ‘Buying Votes’.

Truth is always a delusion. And that’s the truth. Lament should take her delusions elsewhere according to the SNP

By Foamin Stushie

A TINY country lies smothered in self-righteous political foam after hurricane windbags battered the country yesterday.

It came as the country was engulfed by an ‘imperfect storm’ sparked by the fulminations of Labourer leader Fandabadozie Lament.

Nearly ultimate Cybernat Peter Dingdong Bellend frothed: “I looked out of my computer and Lament’s foam was advancing toward us.

“How long will it be till this intellectually challenged non-entity opens her eyes to the fact that the SNP can be, and IS, all things to all people.

“That is the appeal of the SNP and Scottish Labourers just can’t deal with it.

“If buying votes is what it takes for people to vote Yes, then so be it.”

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At least we’re talking action

Marching toward Independence One Goose Step at a Time

By Moan McVulpine on Jun 19, somnambulism dynamics are affirmative 

ANGELA GRUBER-CONSTANT is the only Greater Scotland Youth Movement minister in ony of the UK nations.

I was wettin mah drawers when she accepted my orders to hold a Jugend Action Movement in the South Western territories this Thursday.

It will bring together Salmond Youth, Gauleiters and Inoctrinators to make sure the area is doing its utmost to ensure people conform with party ideology.

Contrast this positive work with the constant vile attacks of the enemies of our great nation. The Labouring party came a cropper last week when their attack on the Salmond Jugend backfired on them.

We have 26,400 long knives with which to defend our ideological stance, twice the number of the pathetic Labouring filth.

Last week they shamefully branded the Sieg Heil programme under the SNP a “con” because some apprentices only had ‘chibs’ rather than long knives.

But it turned out that under Labour more than twice as many young apprentices were in exactly the same position. ‘

‘Aw chibs and nae knives’ ah cawed it.

It was a total humiliation for their sedition. We all know the Labourers are only fit for the work camps.

Antics like this show they aren’t even fit to be considered enemies of our beloved Fatherland.

COMEDY RELIEF:

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Filed under Economy, Labour, Moan McVulpine, Opinion

Labour and Tories to be merged under new political reform

As analysts continue to pour over what the results and figures of voting patterns in this month’s cooncil elections actually mean, Sun King Alex is quick to captialise on an opportunity to berate the Tory and Labouring parties over Stirling while conveniently ignoring Edinburgh.

The new look political cap for the single political party mooted for Scotland

The New look logo for the Scottish Enfranchised Party

By Con Temptuous

SUN KING Alex of Salmond has described the attempt to drop the names of several historic Scots political parties as “contemptuous”.

The anointed one’s comments follow speculation that cap badges belonging to parties such as the Labouring party, the SNP and the Tory party will go as part of electoral restructuring plans.

Sun King Alex also accused ministers at Bloodyrude of underestimating the general apathy such a move would provoke in Scotland.

The Tories and Labourers said no final decision had been made on the issue despite the events at Stirling bridge.

Scotland’s three main parties were amalgamated in varying degrees following cooncil elections in early May.

In Stirling the Tories amalgamated with the Labouring party and in Edinburgh the SNP merged with the Labourers.

Current opinions being considered by the Scottish electorate could also see interest in voting being cut to less than 32%.

Speaking during First Minister’s Quizlings, the Sun King said that despite commitments given by parties in the past, political party traditions in Scotland were being “traduced”.

He said the Scottish electorate had already provided clarity on the issue by not voting at all.

He added: “These results showed the complete contempt with which the majority of voters hold the three main Scottish parties.”

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Filed under Election, Labour, Opinion