Tag Archives: alex neil

Health pledge: Waiting times will be longer in an independent Scotland

INDEPENDENT WATCHDOG Audit Scotland found that the number of patients experiencing over extended waiting times at casualty departments has tripled over the past five years – a period which coincides with SNP governance of the Scottish NHS. AhDinnaeKen reports:

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing when you'll get seen to, is the worse kind of suffering." -  Paulo Coelho

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing when you’ll be seen to, is the worst kind of suffering.” – Paulo Coelho

By Troofis Ootthare

ALEX NEIL has reassured Scotland that waiting times in A&E departments will be extended under independence.

The health secretary insisted that only upon achieving our ffrreeddoomm™ can we expect to wait longer in casualty.

He told the imperial propagandist BBC: “Past administrations waiting times have been rubbish. Only upon achieving independence can we guarantee that health service waiting times will be even more rubbish.

“We have wasted a further £50 million pounds on proving that a Nationalist based NHS can be just as rubbish, if not more rubbish, than the UK’s.”

Drunks, wasters, hypochondriacs and junkies welcomed the announcement.

Robin Bassa, a client/consultant of the Scottish government’s methadone programme said:

“This’ll be great man. The longer and mair bored people wait at the casualty, the mair chance there is tae dip their bag or their pockets.

“We welcome these findings by Audit Scotland.”

Health experts said Mr Neil’s plan served as a guide toward what can’t be expected from an independent Scotland.

Doctor Urye Awrightpal said: “More nurses and support staff will lose their jobs, more cancer patients will die due to lack of lifesaving drugs and waiting times at A&E will lengthen if we become independent.

“You just have to look at what the SNP Health Secretary hasn’t achieved so far to see how much more he won’t achieve in a future independent Scotland.”

Alternative ‘crackpot’ news site of truth, information and Nationalist doctrine, Newsnat Scotland welcomed the Audit Scotland figures:

“This Audit Scotland report gives us yet another excuse to attack the British Brainwashing Corporation for the imperialist, out of touch, elitist, anti-Scots, propaganda machine that all sane persons know it has become.

“By reporting these independent findings they have exposed yet again what they have become and what they are – a newsgathering organisation.

“Things will be different in an independent Scotland. We guarantee it”

Beware the ides of the BBC. Reporting on the findings of an independent body. Imperialist propaganda at its worst.

Beware the ides of the BBC. Reporting on the findings of an independent body. Imperialist propaganda at its worst.

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Filed under Lies, Newspeak

Chronic pain sufferers to be relieved post Sep 2014

The crippling pain suffered at present by almost 4 million Skints is due to end on the 19th September 2014, legal experts have confirmed. AhDinnaeKen reports:

"SNP assertions are a concept by which we measure our pain." - John Lennon. All we are saying, is give peace a chance.

“SNP assertions are a concept by which we measure our pain.” – John Lennon. All we are saying, is gies peace and a chance.

By Maheidz Gowpin

VOTERS WITH chronic pain in Skintland will find relief post 19th September 2014 according to mental and physical wellbeing experts.

People who are most afflicted are being advised to avoid watching telly, reading newspapers or using Twitter or the Internet.

The cause of the pain has been sourced directly to the monotonous daily drone emanating from the alleged debate surrounding Skintland’s so called ‘day of dustbinry’.

Chronic pain-in-arsedom is often attached to other conditions such as Yes campaign assertions and Bitter Thegither scaremongering, which means that the average Skints parka is often left to suffer on their own.

About 200 people a year are sent to Bath in Somerset to be ‘cleansed’ by the puritan nationalist supremacist who lives in a cupboard under the stairs there.

Campaigners want Skintland to have its own cupboard under the stairs to ‘cleanse’ the chronic pain.

In an address to the plasticine parliament, Piggy Eyed Patsy Healthminster Alex Kneel said: “The Skintish Executive is committed to diverting stories from the recent cancergate findings.

“I am desperate to look as if I give a sh*t about people rather than presiding over a system which forces people to leave their ain country in order to stay alive.”

Sceptics, cynics, traitors, quislings and inferiorists all believe that the pain will end on 19th September 2014.

Pessimistic experts believe it could result in the end of chronic pain and enter into a new phase of devastatingly humiliatingly crippling pain.

Rupert Murdoch was unavailable for comment.

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That Wiz the Week that Wiznae #2

Sometimes creeping torpor, slithering ennui and an ever present sardonic smile isn’t enough to keep the Neverendum boredom at bay. AhDinnaeKen takes a lazy gambol over the previous week’s news. ZZZzzzz…

"For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity and from a clinician to a bean counter." - William Longshanker Penn.

“For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity and from a clinician to a bean counter.” – William Longshanker Penn.

By Longshanker

Sunday May 19: Big Brother is watching your child

Civilian! Be careful the values you instill in your child!

Civilian! Be careful the values you instill in your child!

The Sunday Express runs a chilling story which, despite the Big Brother graphic and overly sensationalised conclusions, perfectly  illustrates the controlling aspect of the Nationalist mindset.

All Skintish children are to have a ‘named person’ looking after them, noting down all reported instances of anti-Skintish thoughtcrime or behaviour exhibited by the child’s parents. Information recorded is then entered into a database to be used later in order to assign citizenship grading – a form of social audit.

According to the report, the specific aim of the bill is “to undermine parents and give the “community” a greater role in raising children.”

In Orwell’s seminal novel, 1984, the chief protagonist, Winston Smith’s, neighbour, Parsons, falls prey to his children reporting him to the thoughtpolice for speaking in his sleep against Big Brother. A ridiculous notion for modern day Skintland but…

Summed up: The moral difference, if any, between a citizen and a civilian is, a citizen accepts responsibility for the protection of the body politic. A civilian does not. All civilians should beware, the SNP thoughtpoliceman  in your home could be your ‘citizenised’ child.

Monday May 20: The Cancer Sufferer Clearances

The main condition for cancer treatment is affordability. Hurrah for doing things differently here.

The main condition for cancer treatment is affordability. Hurrah for doing things differently here.

Piggy Eyed Patsy Healthminster, Alex Kneel, is ambushed and metaphorically bang ganged on the BBC’s Call Specialkay programme. His policies on health, mean that Skintish cancer sufferers wishing to live, will have to leave Skintland and live in England – a post-modern clearances meme for Bella Caledonication types.
Even the presbyterian puritan wing of the Independence movement cannot deny the natural conclusion of Kneel’s performance and explanations regarding the dispensation of life saving cancer drugs..
No matter how he, his cat herding political master, or his political master’s Star Chamber spin it, access to life saving Cancer drugs is found to be dependent on price and the rulings of SMC managers – not clinicians – in Skintland.

Summed up: The poison chalice of health imposed on the Piggy Eyed Patsy
is seriously undermining him. He might yet end up being called Doctor Death. A shameful example of how ‘we do things differently here’.

Tuesday May 21: Nationalists publish a very serious docupamphlet – Skintland’s Economy: the Heidcase for Independence.

Me and my levers. Sun King Salmond sets out his case for more levers in Skintland.

Me and my levers. Sun King Salmond sets out his case for more levers in Skintland.

At first the forensically detailed 69 page docupamphlet reads like the much vaunted positive case for the Union. It makes it easy to imagine Bitter Together stealing some of the rhetoric and assertions for later use…

In the document’s foreword, the anointed one, Sun King Salmond himself, pleads his visionary case for more levers.

Martin Luther King had a dream. Moses had a vision. Alex Salmond wants a full set of levers.

That’s right, levers! A full set! The sort of economic implements you lever economic levers economically with.

It’s certainly inspired AhDinnaeKen with the zeal and vision of new flowering Skintish political landscapes populated with all different types of levers – economic, political, cultural and social.

In the document’s foreword, in reference to Skintland, Wee Ecky says, “we lack a full set of economic levers”. He also says we are a lever deprived country because he later adds, “Westminster deprives Scotland of the levers.”

And, as he further explains, it’s all Westminster’s lever hoarding fault because they’re durty English lever hoarding basturts. How dare they? They’ll be voting in their droves for a Nationalist party soon and be wanting to lever themselves out of the Union next, er, haud on?!

We don’t have anywhere enough levers in Skintland according to the Firstminster. We need, and must have, more levers for levering the other economic levers to give us more leverage, or something.

Summed Up: I’m not an Indy A-lever, are you an Indy B-lever?

Wednesday May 22: It’s oor baw an’ aw. Gie’s a gemme or wur no playin’

If you're going to issue threats to anyone, sometimes it's best to actually be in the position to follow through on it. Ho hum!

If you’re going to issue threats to anyone, sometimes it’s best to actually be in the position to follow through on it. Ho hum!

Ex-banker Salmond threatens to embarrass Skintland on the international stage by reneging on its debt obligations to the rUK.

In a speech to some bus makers while launching the Heidcase for Independence docupamphlet, he tells the Chancer of the Exchequer that he kens it’s the Chancer’s baw, but if he disnae get a shot, he’s no gonnae play, and he’s takin’ aw the jumpers gettin’ used as goal posts.

Summed up: Are we supposed to take the Nationalists seriously? This reminds AhDinnaeKen of a similarly styled threat made by Wee Eck at the Johnnie Walked rally in 2009. Paul Walsh, Heid Honcho of Dirageo, ‘bitch slapped’ Salmond fir that wan. Take heed – or is that heid? – Wee Ecky, yer tea’s oot.

Thursday May 23: FMQs – sombre mood, sombre conclusions

Blessed be the cancer sufferers for 'social justice' Skintish style has passed them by.

Blessed be the cancer sufferers, for ‘social justice’ Skintish style has passed them by.

With his most serious, sombre and statesmanlike voice and poise, Dr Death Salmond is virtually forced by Wee Jimmie Krankie Lamont to admit what Piggy Eyed Patsy Kneel had already admitted earlier in the week: if you’ve got cancer and money in Skintland you will live, if you don’t, you will die. Unless, that is, you move to England where they still dispense these drugs free at point of need.

Summed up: AhDinnaeKen has a degree of sympathy for the Skints government on this one. But the vast majority of our* heartfelt sympathy goes out to the cancer patients denied treatment due to cost.

Friday May 23: Curriculum for Mediocrity is still mediocre shock!

Would you turn your back on this man? Answers on a front facing blackboard please.

Would you turn your back on this man? Answers on a front facing blackboard please.

Elitist, nepotist and most despicable of all the Nationalists, Mike Bernhard Rust-ell, continues to ignore the impending disaster of his creepy and tainted Curriculum for Mediocrity.

Anyone who has ever read the philosophical values and associated guff which accompanies their schoolchild’s school reports etc. cannot help but be apprehensive regarding its emphasis on ‘citizenship’ and ‘values’. Tied in with the ‘Named Person’ policy outlined above, it’s easily viewed as more than sinister – a conclusion only cemented given the ‘thistle grasping’ minster in charge.

Summed up: A prima facie example of unproven assertion directed straight into policy. No wonder the teachers are revolting.

Saturday May 24: New BBC Skintland Editor required for build up of Neverendum snore-athon documentaries.

Ahh! The British Brainwashing/Bolshevik/Bourgeois Corporation. It's just so bloody biased.

Ahh! The British Brainwashing/Bolshevik/Bourgeois Corporation. It’s just so bloody biased.

The great thing about this new position is that, no matter who gets the job, they will automatically be accused of bias by somebody. And long may that continue. As AhDinnaeKen once pointed out, the BBC is biased against everybody. Lord Reith himself would have been proud of such an accusation.

Expect to see the following labels crop up in the coming months: British Brainwashing Corporation, British Bolshevik Corporation and British Bourgeoise Corporation etc etc tedious etc.

Summed up: Neutrality always looks like support fir the ither side.

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Filed under Economy, Education, Media, Newspeak, Uncategorized

Humanists: indyref Yes vote will put your life at risk

According to the Labouring Party, millions of pounds wasted in the dispensation of cheap drugs, asprin and paracetemol, could be clawed back in Skintland, helping to save the lives of cancer sufferers. Despite this, Firstminster Big-C Salmond signalled a big fat Naw from the plasticine parliament.

"Have you ever gotten the feeling that you aren't completely embarassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow's embarrassment?" - Tom Cruise. There's no denying 2014's gonnae be awfy embarrassing for some people.

First there was Jakey Apartheid Tax, then there was the Football Chanting Tax. Now we’ve got Cancer Tax. Hurrah for ‘progressive’ Skintish values. We do things differently here.

By Petit Mort

A FIRSTMINSTER cancer victim told call Kaye today of how she’s been forced to leave her beloved Skintland in order to live.

Maureen Phlegming, 36, was told “tough luck we’ve got methadone to dispense” after specialists suggested the cancer drug Itkeepsyoualive would help.

According to a Skintish parliament cancer tax spokesperson, Itkeepsyoualive, is way too expensive for the “likes o’ us”.

He said: “A three month life saving course of treatment would cost £10,000.

“The Firstminster could spend three days in a hotel on a Ryder cup junket for that. Dae these cancer sufferers no huv a sense o’ proportion or perspective.

“We’re talkin’ aboot oor country here! Ms Phlegming should think aboot that afore she sterts talkin’ her country doon.”

But Ms Phlegming hit back: “I’m working class and I’ve put into the system all my life – and this is how I’m rewarded.

“I was going to vote Yes, but it seems to me that a Yes vote is a vote for death.

“The basturt English get these drugs and they eat their children, apparently.

“Instead of the Highland clearances, this period should be known as the Cancer Sufferer Clearances.”

Firstminster Big-C Salmond said: “Nuthin’ tae dae wi’ me. It’s the rest of the world and Westminster’s fault.”

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Filed under Morality, Newspeak, Treachery

Whollyrude bang gang found guilty of grooming and exploiting frightened electorate

Cabal of untrustable back stabbing powermongers finally brought to book by forces of social injustice:

GUILTY: All seven defendants were found guilty of lying, cheating, and trying to frighten Skintish electorate into voting for 100 years of the Tories. They also hatched plans to 'turn on the polls and the parkas'.

GUILTY: All seven defendants were found guilty of lying, cheating, and trying to frighten the Skintish electorate into voting for 100 years of the Tories. They also hatched a sinister plan to ‘turn on the polls and the parkas’.

By Itza Faircop

POLICE, SOCIAL workers, the Labouring Party and Bitter Together apologised yesterday for not protecting the vulnerable Scots electorate who were patronised and psychologically abused by an Ultra-Nationalist political ring.

The admissions of failure come after voters as young as 15 were lied to and exploited when they were supposed to be in the official care of an allegedly competent government.

A gang of Ultra-Nationalists were found guilty of a catalogue of offences including condescension, serial lying and organisation of suicide inducing Neverendums over a period of three hundred years involving vulnerable voters in the Skintland area.

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Filed under Morality, Referendum

Et Tu Bullingdon Dave!

Treacherous English politicians set to undermine moral support for SNP’s flagship alcohol policy. AhDinnaeKen will drink to that. Wee neddy bawbag correspondent Buckfast Commando toasts the Tories for seeing sense at last.

For every prohibition you create, you also create an underground. Jello Biafra

“For every prohibition you create, you also create an underground.” –  Jello Biafra

By Buckfast Commando

HAW HAW! Who’d uv thunk it.

The last crutch of righteous superiority and moral support is set to be kicked intae touch fae unner the feet o’ the SNP’s Jakey Apartheid Tax man.

Tory poshc**t Bullingdon Dave’s gonnae gie up the gemme oan the proposed minimum alcohol pricin’ bill doon sooth man.

Noo the SNP’s Jakey Apartheid Tax is gonnae be left hinging oan a shoogly peg like an SNP proclamation on Europe. Haw haw!

Piggy eyed patsy Alex Kneel is pure shitin’ hissel cos it means the plasticine parliament’s temperance/prohibition bill wull get sliced up in coort by the Dirageo young team.

They don’t take prisoners they c**ts. They’ve even hunted doon auld grannies in Africa wi’ illegal stills – earnin pennies – and shut them doon. Haw haw!

So the SNP freeloaders are gonnae get thur arses kicked oan this wan. An ah cannae wait fur the moral indignation and disappointment oan thur sorry faces.

Still. As ah pinted oot last time, Auld Nick Sturgeon and the piggy eyed patsy huv fun anither way tae get at Dirageo.

And ah don’t see the Dirageo young team gettin’ roon it as easy as thuv got roon the Jakey Apartheid Tax.

Whitever happens, it’s gonnae be a richt guid laff.

Onyhoo. Ah’m awa’ doon Navid’s shoap tae get mahsel sum refrigerated Buckie – buy two and ye can get a free Caramac.


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Filed under Economy, Morality, New Bills

Diageo’s Water of life: The Wee SNP empire strikes back

Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon added the finishing touches to the Water Resources (Scotland) Bill last week. AhDinnaeKen’s wee neddy bawbag correspondent has a rethink on SNP political manoeuvre.

 Water Abstraction

By Buckfast Commando

HAW MAN! Ye ken ah’m the furst tae stick the bit in when it comes tae they freeloadin’ snake oil hucksters at the plasticine parliament man.

But this week, surprisingly, especially tae me, ah’ll tak mah hat aff tae Auld Nick Sturgeon and Piggy Eyed Patsy Alex Kneel.

They’ve finally fun’ a way tae stick wan ower Dirageo and thur young team.

And the bully boy Scottish heritage stealers don’t like it at aw. No wan bit man.

Haw Haw!

Ah hope this bill brings in some money fur Skintland and persuades the SNP tae drap thur stupit Jakey Apartheid Tax – it’s gawin naewhur but the coort onyway man.

Onyhoo! In case ye’re wunnerin whit ah’m gaun oan aboot: the Water Resources (Scotland) Bill got passed last week.

It’s anither instance of SNP centralisation of power over Scottish resources, which is to be expected from Tartan Tory types.

But, the interestin’ pairt is covered by Section 2.

Dirageo wurnae consulted at aw oan this pairt o’ the bill – despite it being of crucial importance tae thur industry and production process.

Keen readers of AhDinnaeKen may have spotted that regular correspondent Moan McVulpine picked up on this in January.

Joan McAlpine, the Anti-Scotsfinder General, signalled to Dirageo in the Daily Ranger that they should drap thur coort case against the SNP government or they could expect a water tax.

Interestin’ times indeed man!

Expect to see sum jiggery pokery shenanigans gaun oan ower the next few weeks and months.

Haw Haw! See’s ye doon the park man – ah’ve goat an exotic cocktail of Calico Jack, Frosty Jack and Buckfast to try oot – Minimum Price free ya dancer.

So, as ah like to say tae mah pals – get mad wi’ it ya c***s.

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