Firstminster Salmond to go where he likes in an Independent Skintland

Normal rules will not apply to Firstminster Salmond in an independent Skintland it has been claimed, following an alleged security and protocol breach at a school in Aberdeenshire recently.

"I've played so many historical characters because most horrible dictators are short, fat, middle-aged men." -  Bob Hoskins. Coming soon, The Neverendum, starring Bob Hoskins as Firstminster Salmond.

“I’ve played so many historical characters because most horrible dictators are short, fat, middle-aged men.” – Bob Hoskins. Coming soon, ‘The Neverendum’, starring Bob Hoskins as Firstminster Salmond.

By Naked Rambler

FIRSTMINSTER SALMOND will be able to go wherever he likes whenever he likes in an independent Skintland it has been revealed.

The plans, already in place for schools in Aberdeenshire, are expected to be rolled out in honour of a miraculous Neverendum victory post September 2014.

But the plans have been bitterly opposed by backstabbers, traitors and Stockholmed Syndromed civil liberty types, still clinging to the outdated belief that people should be free to ignore the anointed Firstminster if they so choose.

According to a new draft bill the ‘Salmond Can Go Where He Chooses Act’, the Firstminster will be given the keys to the country.

In essence, the Five Pensioned Firstminster will have the constitutional right, enshrined in plasticine parliamentary law, to go where he wants, when he wants.

No one will have the right to refuse the Firstminster access.

The Act, which has already witnessed a Pilot run in an Aberdeenshire school, has elicited fierce and bitter ‘loser’ complaints from Quislings and anti-SNP types.

Quinten Labour-Torybasa, of the Outmoded Political Standards Committee said: “I was in my kitchen preparing my favourite curry when a voice from behind me advised me that I should add more coconut milk.

“It was Five Pensions Salmond flaunting his culinary wad at me. I nearly added too much cumin in surprise.”

Other horror stories of the Firstminster’s freedom rambling have involved couples in the act of lovemaking suddenly being advised to “slow down” and “use a smooth touch” or people in the bath receiving suggestions that they should “use more bubble bath”.

Freedom loving, protocol ignoring, rule rewriting spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.

“The Salmond Can Go Where He Chooses Act will ensure that people will hear this anytime any place.”

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