Tag Archives: scottish sun

Skintland held back by SNP executive

Fractious infighting amongst the warring tribes of Skintland halted recently with a rare display of unity. All agreed that Sun King Salmond of the Edinborrow Political Elite Tribe needs tae connect wi’ his alleged people. AhDinnaeKen dons plaid and shield:

“Independence is a luxury. Do you think the average Skint sits and thinks of Freedom and Democracy when he gets inside his hoosin' association hoose at night?” ― Graham Greene. Neither do we*.

“Independence is a luxury. Do you think the average Skint sits and thinks of Freedom and Democracy when he gets inside his hoosin’ association hoose at night?” ― Graham Greene.

By Sovereign Skints

SKINTLAND HAS BEEN held back by the present SNP Executive, the peoples of Skintland have claimed.

In national conversations held throughout the previously independent kingdoms of Dal Riata, Pictland, Caledonia, Alba, Gododdin and Strathclyde, the consensus of the warring tribes was that Sun King Salmond is “foo o’ it.”

And the conclusion reached was that the Skintish Executive o’ the big plasticine parliament should “get on wi’ it” instead o’ permanently bitching about the big bad Romans doon Londinium way.

Big Chief Heidbanger Leckie o’ the Skintish Sun tribe recently laid doon the gauntlet tae Sun King Salmond.

He proclaimed: “If he can promise to slash fuel duties in an independent Scotland raking profits from its own oil fields — and that means producing the figures to PROVE it can be done — it could be a masterstroke.

“Knocking 30p off a litre at the pumps, though?

“That’s a whole load of votes in the palm of your hand, Eck.”

The warring tribes of Skintland stopped battering each ither ower the heid long enough to agree with Chief Heidbanger Leckie.

Communicatio Tumultus Longshanker, of the Strathclyde tribes said: “If the great bloated Sun King wants my vote, 30p off of a litre would be the gamechanger required for me and my peoples.

“The baw is in the Sun King’s coort. Ah’m aboot bored shi*less listening tae the rest o’ the crap.”

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Culture, Referendum

Exclusive: Skintland to legally leave itself open to English invasion

Blimey! The Scottish Sunday Sun publishes a Neverendum game changing story and nobody appears to care, because we’ve heard it all before.

“The truth may not set you free, but used carefully, it can confuse the hell out of your enemies.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton. The Scots, enemies of politicians everywhere in the UK.

“The truth may not set you free, but used carefully, it can confuse the hell out of your enemies.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton. The Scots, enemies of politicians everywhere in the UK.

By Andy Nickitoll

SKINTLAND CAN legally say to England, get it up ye’s, ye’s ur gettin’ hee haw when we walk oot the Union door, according to a top constitutional expert.

Lawyer Dr Matt Gerritriteupye says the previously extinguished non-nation could begin its separate insular life by provoking the basturt English into a war footing.

And the world renowned agent provocateur believes his expert speculation, based on exhaustive SNP, Twitter, Facebook and Google studies, could give renewed hope to Nationalist sadsacks willing to believe in modern day tooth fairy tales as ‘game changers’.

He said: “Just imagine the insult and basturt English nationalistic fury this would provoke. It would make the 3-2 Scotland v England fitba result in 1967 look like a gemme o’ keepy uppy.

“Of course, I am just a casual shit stirrer and browbeaten SNP serf who loves to provoke strife and emnity where previously there was none.”

Dr Gerritriteupye’s desperate findings are published in a neutral report entitled, “Ha Ha English Basturts Ye’s ur gettin’ F**k all”.

The veracity of the alleged report has still to be tested in every day non-Nationalist real reality.

More barefaced lying
Sun King Salmond is already on record misquoting the ‘consitutional expert’ leaving sceptical and realistic Skints unconvinced by this most recent allegedly game changing assertion.

In October 2011, Skintland’s most formidable barefaced liar apologised to the plasticine parliament for trying to sell them a devo-max pup based on statements the professor never actually made.

Willie Wont-he, the Lib-Bent leader said at the time: “The Firstminster delivered a fabricated endorsement.

“He quoted a letter which turns out not to have been written by the professor, but by the Firstminster’s special adviser.

“This is a blatant attempt to nobble an academic, doctor the evidence, pull the wool over the eyes of the people of Scotland.”

Cringing materialistic inferiorist Longshanker added: “What this Sunday Sun report highlights is that the SNP are just as good at placing lying and devious scaremongering stories as the other lot.

“How long would it be till we got invaded if the Nationalists seriously considered this as an option?

“Ho hum. Next!”

4 Comments

Filed under Media, Newspeak, Referendum

Is today the most historic day in the history of history ever?

Today is likely to be considered the third or fourth or fifth or maybe even sixth most historic day in the history of history ever. It follows the launch of the Och Aye campaign, the Declaration of Contempt and the Day of Destiny when Murdoch’s Bitch Salmond revealed the date of the Neverendum in the first ever Sunday Sun. Ho hum.

“Some have learnt many Tricks of sly Evasion, Instead of Truth they use Equivocation, And eke it out with mental Reservation, Which is to good Men an Abomination.” - Benjamin Franklin.

“Some have learnt many Tricks of sly Evasion, Instead of Truth they use Equivocation, And eke it out with mental Reservation, Which is to good Men an Abomination.” – Benjamin Franklin.

By Histry Onics

TODAY IS a landmark day in the history of the world, perhaps even the universe.

Today is a landmark day when freedom loving people from across the planet politic will be able to look back and say “I was there.”

Today is a landmark day which captures the spirit of the zeitgeist and will allow people to reflect on their hopes and asprin-nation.

Today is the landmark day that Twitter turns seven.

That’s right! Twitter is seven years old today.

Oh! And Murdoch’s Bitch will peddle the second hand news which the Scottish Sunday Sun revealed over a year ago.

Ho hum. Scotland’s trembling with bored stupor giving us a headache.

More an asprin-nation than an aspiration.

Leave a comment

Filed under Newspeak, Referendum

If MSPs seize the presses it is SALMOND who will lose out

Scottish Scum sends out unguarded message to the patriotic faither o’ oor great wee country.

"All media exist to invest our lives with artificial perceptions and arbitrary values." - Marshall McLuhan Sounds like the SNP manifesto.

“All media exist to invest our lives with artificial perceptions and arbitrary values.” – Marshall McLuhan.  Hmm! Sounds like the SNP manifesto.

By Getit Richt-Bigmanorelse

ANYONE WHO fears for their pre-neverendum publicity in Scotland has good reason to be worried today.

This afternoon the committee set up by Murdoch’s Bitch Salmond in the wake of the  Inralavyson report will issue its proclamations.

The committee, led by Judge Dreadful and made up of anonymous drones – not from the plasticine parliament this time – will make a proclamation which could drastically affect Sun King Salmond’s rightwing newspaper support.

This will strike at the very heart of the neverendum’s chances at a highly important time in Murdoch’s Bitch Salmond’s career.

And he, as a Murdoch ‘intern backscratcher’, should be worried.

It means surrendering the safeguard of the Scum’s support in the run up to the most historic Day of Destiny in the history of the universe ever.

The Scum may have faults and all of them will be brought to bear down on Murdoch’s Bitch should he interpret this editorial incorrectly.

No one would disagree that extreme cases of press baron sycophancy are unforgivable.

No one would disagree that some press barons can provide their support just as quickly as they can withdraw it.

But is there any evidence that the Scottish Scum will dig up every embarrassing gaffe and anomaly in the SNP assertion machine in order to undermine the neverendum’s case?

You’re damn right there is.

Salmond BEWARE!

BIG BLETHER IS WATCHING YOU!!

COMEDY RELIEF

2 Comments

Filed under Media, Morality, Newspeak, Opinion, Referendum

Just Say Yes (please) poster #9 – Scotland’s domestic harmony secrets

With gay marriage high on the national agenda and consciousness, a quick reminder of the SNPs and Bill Walker’s dirty little secrets

MY MSP FATHER IS A BRUTAL CHEATING, HEARTLESS B*****D

Leave a comment

Filed under Culture, Morality, Newspeak, Poster

Vote Yes and your children will suffer for ever

I watched as the Darling opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, “Come and see!” I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a Facebook Account, and he was given an opinion poll, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest. Book of Referendamnation 6:1-2

The start of the positive case for the union.

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

By Roastin Hell

VOTE FOR Independence and your kids will be ConDemned to suffer eternal damnation, a moderate Scot told the electorate today.

Labourers’ former Horseman of the Apocalypse Asmodeus Darling today launches a cross-party drive called Awinitthe Gither aimed at encouraging Scots voters to avoid everlasting torment.

Asmodeus will tell campaigners at HeidinBurrow Naepain University lecture hall: “If you choose the path to hell there is no way back. It is like asking us to buy fags and matches for our children as soon as they’ve started walking.”

Mr Darling said he will try and avoid a “negative case” for leaving the UK.

He will add: “Scotland’s future, hell’s future and the future of the abyss will be ecumenically, theologically and pastorally stronger as a partner in a United Hellminster.

“The truth is that this coming together of heretics, blasphemers, apostates, charlatans and Tory tax dodgers is an abomination, not something to shout about.”

The Awinitthe Gither campaign – which has engaged the Mercurian strategists who helped bring the Great Satan Obama Bin Laden to power – will also distribute 500,000 reasons why burning in hell is awfy sare.

Leave a comment

Filed under Opinion, Referendum

MacAesop’s Fables #11 – The Hawk, the Kite, and the Pigeons

Our eleventh Sunday outpouring of sanctimony and self-righteous morality to be taken as seriously as the Labouring party's attempt at electoral arithmetic.

Nationalism is power hunger tempered by self-deception. – George Orwell

THE PIGEONS, terrified by the appearance of a Kite, called upon the Hawk to defend them.

He at once consented.

When they had admitted him into the cote, they found that he made more havoc and slew a larger number of them in one day than the Kite could pounce upon in a whole year.

Analysis: So the kite is the Unholy alliance right. The hawk is the SNP. What could the moral of this commendably short fable be? That’s right, sometimes it’s best to:  “Avoid a remedy that is worse than the disease.” 

For more morally superior and vacuous posturing click on the Fable category to the right.

Leave a comment

Filed under Fable