Joan McCarthyalpine: We’ll make your fear let us live our dreams

MOAN RECKONS the Skints are a bunch of craven fearties at heart. Why else would the world renowned devils in skirts recoil in horror at the vision of a SNP Skintish utopia? Maybe it’s not independence that scares them. Maybe it’s the idea of the likes of Joan McCarthyalpine or Sun King Salmond having absolute power which is too terrifying to contemplate.

Moan McVulpine - delivering collateral damage every time she speaks

By Moan McVulpineChastising Skints for being a bunch of feartie parkas

GREAT THINGS seldom happen if you believe politicians.

These words were printed on a leaflet I spotted while monitoring anti-Skints sedition on the net (definitely my favourite habit, threatening people with being charged).

It’s the sort of motto we pin above the hung drawn and quartered bodies of our anti-Skints enemies.

“Seize the traitors” is another one, or for those in search of a better country, “No pain, no brain”.

Pop soundbites like these have a wide appeal because they are based on SNP assertions, policy and manifestos.

Speak to any successful tax avoider and they will say they had to step outside of their country to make things happen. The entrepreneur could have stuck with his homeland instead of earning tax free millions from Monaco. The famous actor could have listened to his wife and stopped beating her.

A gal might find it uncomfortable to assist with a smearing cheesey website editor, but when he smiles back, discusses Skintish culture and f**ks her brains oot, it’s been worth it.

‘Training’ for a ‘half-marathon’ with the Firstminster takes you out of your comfort zone – but boy does it feel empty when he crosses his finishing line way before you.

Earlier this year, I attended a hustings for schoolchildren citizens at William Wallace Academy to name and shame the ‘enemy within’.

The audience consisted of parents who were all outed as cringing inferiorist traitors to their great wee country.

I asked them: “How many of you are sick to the pit of your stomach at the craven behaviour of your traitorous parents?” Every good citizen’s hand went up.

Then I asked: “How many of you want to live in a Nationalist dominated Skintland?” Very few.

That’s why I explained the SNP strategy in the simplest of terms: “Taking control of your life is what we strive for. We still love our families. And we can visit them in the correctional centres currently being built as part of our ‘Capital’ Infrastructure Project.

A year into the Yes campaign, it is clear the SNP cannot convince anyone of anything beyond their core vote of Nationalist supremacists.

That’s because the Skintish people can spot a Snake Oil huckster on the make every time the huckster’s numerous chins appear on the telly.

The UK is the fourth most unequal country in the world. We want to make Skintland the most unequal.

For the last 30 years, Skintland has whinged and whined more per head of population than the rest of the basturt English put together.

With our country on the brink of another SNP assertion boom, with growth industries such as politicised Barnum statements on the rise, do we really want anything to do with THEM sooth o’ the border?

Do we really want to stay in a place where criticising the SNP can be claimed to be “talkin’ yer country doon”?

Handing real power over to Nationalist types will put us under huge cultural pressure to conform to Skintish stereotypes.

They’re already in the process of centralising and politicising key institutions.

How long till their registers of ‘named persons’ start informing on us for anti-Skint behaviour?

The No camp want you to succumb to fear and insecurity.

With the likes of Joan McCarthyalpine in power, they might have a point.

COMEDY RELIEF

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