Firstminster Baron Salmond claimed that all those celebrating the death of his mentor and friend Baroness Thatcher were tasteless pinko commy scum and threatened to amend the Football Fan Kettling Act 2012.
By Banshee Salmond
FIRSTMINSTER BARON Salmond could barely stifle the tears as he paid his last respects to his ‘mentor and friend’ Margaret Thatcher yesterday.
But his sorrow soon turned to anger when he vented his spleen at the anti-democratic forces of evil celebrating her passing.
And he added that those protesting and celebrating the Iron lady’s death were ‘shaming their nation in the eyes of the world.’
He said: “Margaret Thatcher had a reputation for brutality which some likened to General Pinochet, Pol Pot and Slobodan Milosevic. But when you got to know these dictators, just like Maggie, they were really nice guys.
“I remember when my party couldnae garner a ha’penny never mind a vote in Scotland. Along came Maggie, closed down some pits, an aluminium smelter and a steel works and the next thing you know, the SNP and myself were very popular again.
“What a gal. She will be sorely missed.”
The Firstminster was accompanied by the plasticine parliament’s El Presidente Officer Tricia Spiderwyck.
Maintaining her sense of decorum, awareness and perspective she said:
“Today was first and foremost a family funeral (sic).
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. The miners who lost their jobs during Maggie’s reign could easily have had a £10 million family funeral an’ aw if they wanted to.
“I liked the music and it was very colourful and the fact that it was Mark and Carol Thatcher’s mummy made it very personal.
“Can I go to the toilet now please?”
Scottish Conservative Leader Truth Davidson said something fawningly Tory which in the interests of balance we will ignore.
One pinko commy working class piece of benefit scum getting ideas above his station in life, Jock McAverage, said: “Maggie had an agenda to divide and rule but it backfired, thousands of Scots were able to unite in misery as they waited in the dole queue to sign on thanks to her policies.”