Tag Archives: John Swinney

Scottish budget: Swindley pledges enough to let bedroom tax victims eat cake

Finance secretary happy to keep hated Tory legislation victims “on the hook”.

SNP answer question: "Who's responsible for kicking the poor when they're down?"

SNP answer question: “Who’s responsible for kicking the poor when they’re down?”

By Inra Munny

SKINTLAND’S FINANCE secretary has set out his spending plans for the next two years, insisting he would continue subsidising the middle class.

John Swindley said there would be more money for upper band council tax payers and more subsidies for those who can already afford it.

He also said that the SNP government would make some token gestures so that it appeared they cared about poor people evicted from their homes.

But the opposition accused him of putting the boot into Scotland’s most vulnerable in order to play politics for the Indy campaign.

Bloviating in the Skintish Parliament, Mr Swindley said his draft budget, worth an awful lot of pocket money and funded by the big boys Treasury at Westminster, would also pay for some SNP vanity projects.

And he added that it was important for top band council tax payers to get substantially more of a subsidy than the “common clarty basturts” in cooncil hooses.
Mr Swinney said the draft 2014-15 budget would:

  • See more people kicked oot their hooses to aid anti-Tory rhetoric
  • Maintain middle class subsidies in order to keep them on board with the SNP’s raison d’être.
  • Invest £24m in 2015-16 on a national ‘burn the booze’ hate ritual and supermarket windfall tax.

Fat cat apologist with all the cream spokesperson for the SNP, Wee Naebudy, said: “This budget will ensure that even if we don’t vote Yes next year, the Skintish civil service will still be much better off than the cooncil scheme riff raff. We’ll let them eat cake.”

 

 

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Filed under Economy, Referendum

Indy traffic light system to be rolled out

Poll after poll of Skintish public opinion consistently shows that there is an urgent need for more clarity in the arguments provided by both sides of the debate – particularly the Nationalist side, as the onus is on them to do the real convincing. AhDinnaeKen takes a look at the new proposed traffic light system for the increasingly confusing ‘big turnoff’ currently being mooted as debate in Skintland.

The SNPs recent assertions on pensions, payments and shared administration was put to the traffic light test recently. This was the result.

The SNP assertions on pensions, payments and shared administration was put to the traffic light test recently. This was the result from a 100kg weighting.

By Troofis Ootthere

A NEW consistent system of political front-of-speech assertion labelling is to be introduced in Skintland, the Electoral Commission says.

A combination of colour coding and assertion information will be used to show how much barefaced lies, horseshit, fantasy and credibility are in each assertion spouted by pro-Independence politicians.

The announcement comes after 300 years of debate about the issue and has been welcomed by electoral groups.

Jock McAverage of the Bored Shitless with Indy Campaign said: “A quality campaign involves substance, not just the stereotypical Barnum statement pro-Scotland soundbites we have heard so far, but where is the all important detail?

“The first casualty of any political campaign is the truth, so we welcome this traffic light system to help the 16/17 year old weans trying to make sense of the increasingly laughable pish spouted by both sides – particularly the SNP.

“The system is easy to understand and should help everyone, particularly the weans, to come to a satisfactory conclusion about how amateur the whole debate has been so far.”

Jock McAverage, 301, is a snivelling cowardly pro-Union Tory quisling BritNat traitor turncoat who has been bought and sold for English basturt gold.

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Filed under Opinion, Referendum

Swindley: Independent grants attract foreign corporate subsidy junkies

Skintish inward investment, hailed by the SNP as a compelling reason for the potential success of SNP style independence, turns out to be mostly subsidised by the Skintish Enterprise Agency. AhDinnaeKen turns up the forensic scrutiny to warp factor six:

“For the sake of “job creation,” in Kentucky, and in other backward states, we have lavished public money on corporations that come in and stay only so long as they can exploit people here more cheaply than elsewhere. The general purpose of the present economy is to exploit, not to foster or conserve." - Wendell Berry. [ Image from Skintish Enterprise website: http://www.scottish-enterprise.com/your-sector/technology/overview/technology-key-facts.aspx ] "We do things differently here."

“For the sake of “job creation,” in Kentucky, and in other backward states, we have lavished public money on corporations that come in and stay only so long as they can exploit people here more cheaply than elsewhere. The general purpose of the present economy is to exploit, not to foster or conserve.” – Wendell Berry. [ Image from Skintish Enterprise website: http://www.scottish-enterprise.com/your-sector/technology/overview/technology-key-facts.aspx ] “We do things differently here.”

By Scott MacNabbed

GOVERNMENTAL ‘SWEETENERS’ and the selling of the Skints as a low wage exploitable workforce is the future of SNP style independence, a major new reading between the lines has revealed.

Corporate gift cards in the form of subsidies and grants have reached a 15-year high thanks to the SNPs willingness to bend over backwards for corporations such as GlaxoSmithKline, Avaloq, JP Morgan, Amazon and Dell.

Hailed as a major reason to vote for SNP style independence, John Swindley, the backstabbing Piggy Bank Minster, claimed that desperate for work supine Skints will vote yes for such sustained exploitation.

He said: “An exploitative job is better than no job, right?

“We have people so desperate for work here that we can sell Skintland on the back of a ‘compliant’ low rent workforce, topped up with a few ‘backscratching’ corporate gifts in the form of taxpayer £millions.

“Whit’s no tae like. The SNP can still swan around like Masters of the Skints Universe, the corporates git big fat tax payer subsidised gifts and the downtrodden Jock MacAverage’s git a temporary joab which makes the SNP luk guid in the eyes o’ the Skints electorate. Sorted.”

Kenny Gibbon, the SNP monkey in charge of the rubber stamping Finance Committee, said nothing of interest or relevance, though he did predictably mention “Unionist scaremongering”. Ho hum. ZZzz…

Skintland is a great wee ‘colonised’ country populated with ‘inferiorists’ and partially subjugated by its own Vichy styled ‘collaborating’ quislings, according to Nationalist supremacy site, Bella Caledonication. You get the Skintish government you deserve – right kids?

 

COMEDY RELIEF

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Filed under Economy, Opinion, Treachery

Whollyrude bang gang found guilty of grooming and exploiting frightened electorate

Cabal of untrustable back stabbing powermongers finally brought to book by forces of social injustice:

GUILTY: All seven defendants were found guilty of lying, cheating, and trying to frighten Skintish electorate into voting for 100 years of the Tories. They also hatched plans to 'turn on the polls and the parkas'.

GUILTY: All seven defendants were found guilty of lying, cheating, and trying to frighten the Skintish electorate into voting for 100 years of the Tories. They also hatched a sinister plan to ‘turn on the polls and the parkas’.

By Itza Faircop

POLICE, SOCIAL workers, the Labouring Party and Bitter Together apologised yesterday for not protecting the vulnerable Scots electorate who were patronised and psychologically abused by an Ultra-Nationalist political ring.

The admissions of failure come after voters as young as 15 were lied to and exploited when they were supposed to be in the official care of an allegedly competent government.

A gang of Ultra-Nationalists were found guilty of a catalogue of offences including condescension, serial lying and organisation of suicide inducing Neverendums over a period of three hundred years involving vulnerable voters in the Skintland area.

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Filed under Morality, Referendum

Political lessons we can all learn…say goodbye to Independence

This week Moan believes the Skints should adopt a more positive attitude in the Independence debate by dropping the word ‘currency’ from our vocabulary.

Moan McVulpine providing 'service' to the Firstminster whenever he wants it.
By Moan McVulpine

ON THE wall of a primary school parliament somewhere in Edinborrow is a large drawing of a politician’s gravestone.

It’s in loving memory of somebody called “Sun King Salmond”.

The teacher told her kids that he buried himself under a hailstorm of assertion, deception, and pantsonfire bluster.

Some of his relatives are still going strong. “Fantasy” and “Delusion” are regular visitors to the parliamentary classroom.

I heard this story at the weekend from another of my ‘special’ friends, Nudge Nudge, the head of a small cheesey blog in a former mini-sterial area.

But I digress.

Mr Johnboy Swindley of Whollyrude primary parliament gave one of the funniest so called currency union rebuttals on Newsnicht I’ve ever heard.

He was addressing Gordon Quisling Brewer on BBC Skintland’s Unionist turncoat flagship programme Newsnicht Skintland.

His audience was made up of the committed, the non-committed and anti-Scots Unionists: people who refuse to be sold a pup unless that pup has a worthwhile tale to wag.

Unfortunately for the NSP, this is a pup that needs put down.

Mr Swindley spoke of how a foreigner dignitary calling himself the Chancer of the Exchequer drew no breath as he put certain Nationalist assertions on currency unions and Sterling zones to the sword. And on St George’s Day too – the dirty English Basturt!

This deadly blow should have come as no surprise to anyone. For too long the NSP has been peddling pish as fact and getting away with it.

Now, us Nationalists have found out that reality bites and bites hard when assertion is placed under forensic scrutiny.

For too long we have believed that to state it is to make it so.

We have been told that we will have a sterling zone; that we will have automtic entry into Europe without the need for any tricky conditions; and that we can shelter under a nuclear first strike military alliance while ditching our chief ally’s er, nuclear weapons.

If you tell a child a kiddy on story long enough, they will believe you.

That is why we must cling to our assertions despite the numerous damaging body blows we’re sustaining in doing so.

Too many Skints, we are glad to say, are like children – eager to drink of our fantasy assertion pish.

No matter how much our assertions are ripped to shreds, no matter how tired or bored our dead Firstminster looks, no matter how much credibility we lose, we wil continue making Barnum statement assertions.

Some people will swallow anything, no matter the evidence to the contrary.

COMEDY RELIEF

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Swindley: Scaremongering pact must go ahead

Independence debate takes another turn for the worse. Now it isn’t just about uncertainty, Nationalist assertions and scaremongering. It’s all about Scaremongering. AhDinnaeKen reports:

"A disordered currency is one of the greatest political evils." - Daniel Webster.  Evil Tories. Evil Nationalists. They're aw evil scaremongers.

“A disordered currency is one of the greatest political evils.” – Daniel Webster. Evil Tories. Evil Nationalists. They’re aw evil scaremongers.

By Geezalenaya Fiver

THE CASE for an independent Skintland retaining its scaremongering assertions in a scaremongering pact wi’ the basturt scaremongerin’ English is “not assured”, according to treasury scaremongers.

Skintland becoming independent from the UK would “see profound changes in the scaremongering strategy of both states”, it said.

In a future scaremongering speech, Chief Bullingdon Towel Folder, Chancer Osborne will argue there would be an imbalance in the scaremongering relationship between both countries.

The Skintish government said a ‘scaremongering pact’ would be in everyone’s uncertain scaremongering interests.

Voters in Skintland will be given the choice of opting for more arrogant and oppressive imperialistic scaremongering from the basturt English, or wee jobby chip on shooder scaremongering from the sanctimoniously self righteous Nationalists, in September 2014.

Until then, scaremongering is forecast to be the growth industry of the increasingly scaremongering debate and, at present rates, is expected to outgrow renewable Nationalist assertions.

The scaremongering treasury team is expected to argue that even if an independent Skintland did keep its scaremongering quotient, it would lose influence over key scaremongering issues.

Scaremongers Ahoy!
Bullingdon Chancer Osborne said: “Myself and Bullingdon Dave have always said that Skintland can scaremonger alone. The question is, is it better for Skintland.

“All they will really be able to scaremonger about is the English treasury, via the Bank of England, setting interest rates too high in order to mess with the Skintish economy, y’know, just for laughs.”

But Nationalist Deputy Chief Scaremongering Finance Backstabber John Swindley said:

“The Bullingdon Chancer is coming from a profoundly arrogant English basturt point of view that scaremongering belongs only to them.

“Scaremongering is as much in the ownership of the Nationalists as it is in the ownership of the basturt English.

“Have we not pointed out repeatedly that not voting Yes will result in more dictatorial Tory rule forever.

“Whereas with Independence we will be able to be dictated to by Tory Chancers of the Exchequer.

“Now that’s what I call scaremongering!”

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Filed under Economy, Lies, Referendum

Salmy’s 30 minute meals

If you love falsehood but struggle to find time to swallow it every day, then allow Salmy to introduce you to a revolutionary way of cooking the books. In 30-Minute Meals-O’-It he shows you how to make a dog’s breakfast of governmental competence, add bitter evasive asides and even finish by makin’ a pudding o’ hissel’ in the time you’d normally spend on one overblown pish. What you’ll be able to achieve in 30 minutes will absolutely blow your credibility!

Salmy's 30 Minute Meal O'It. Cook the Books wi' ingredients such as evasion, bluster, falsehood, denial and lies.

Salmy’s 30 Minute Meal O’It. Cook the Books wi’ ingredients such as evasion, bluster, falsehood, denial, accusation and barefaced lies.

By Salmy Oliver-Twistit

SALMY IS a big fan of marinated parliamentery assertions. They’re at they’re best when swallowed whole because they taste bitter when chewed wi’ the fat.

It’s a myth that it’s a struggle to get enough false ingredients into an already unpalatable dish.

Take Swindley’s Kitchen Nightmares. Hitting the recommended five portions of fruity vegetation a day, his future timely concerns get roundly trashed by Salmy’s more facile approach to ‘cooking the books’ in 30 minutes o’ FMQs.

While Swindley prefers a careful approach, working with deficits and the appliance of incisive hidden cuts, Salmy jumps right in using any ingredients to hand including bluster, assertion, evasion and a guid conceit o’ hissel’.

AhDinnaeKen presents Salmy’s Bubble and Squeak

  • Mix your leftover stramash in a plasticine parliament with your MSP cabbages, or other vegetables and add bluster to taste.

 

  • Heat some scrutiny in a frying pan (it used to be lard, but you’re not allowed to call Salmy fat these days) and put the MSP potato-cabbage mix in, and mix-it-up wi’ a slice of evasion added to the opposition vegetables.

 

  • The mixture may start to bubble and squeak – but all you have to do is give it time to go brown on the underside, before flipping it over and proclaiming it as a new figurative budget meal which will – when eaten independently – taste like milk and honey.

You can serve these unpalatable scraps like hashed brown with a cooked book breakfast, or have it for lunch with some civil servant leeks. It can also be chewed over, as it was in the plasticine parliament, as a right old pickle.

There’s nowt like it. We ‘cook the books’ differently here.

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Filed under Economy, Newspeak