That Wiz The Week That Wiznae #5

With Five Pensions Salmond still referring to the present period in the Neverendum snoreathon as a “phoney” war, AhDinnaeKen roams around looking at just how mobile the “phoney” war currently raging really is. It’s for you!

"Third rate politicians are sent to Whollyrude by good people who don't vote." - Longshanker

“Third rate politicians are sent to Whollyrude by good people who don’t vote.” – Longshanker

By Longshanker

Sunday June 23: Macwhirter sets the record straight for all those chipped shooder Nationalist types oot there

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple." -  Oscar Wilde. I wonder what the Nationalists make of Macwhirter's disappointment in the Nats.

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” –
Oscar Wilde. I wonder what the Nationalists make of Macwhirter’s disappointment in the Nats.

ONE OF the dullest arguments heard from Nationalist types, in terms of the debate, is that the mainstream media are against them in some broad conspiracy concocted by the enemies of ffrreeddoomm™ and liberty.

Boo hoo. Get ower yer chipped paranoid shooders boys. The media are doing their job. Maybe overly so, but in terms of what it could be, the Nationalists are getting a fairly easy ride.

Acting like an embittered opposition unable to get a platform to put their views across just disnae wash considering the SNP is the party of government up here.

As Macwhirter points out: “The Nationalists blame the Scottish press, but whether Alex Salmond likes it or not, Westminster committee reports and the statements of UK ministers are news. It should not have been impossible for the SNP, with all the resources of the Scottish Government at their disposal, to have organised an effective rebuttal campaign against these interventions, much in the way Labour in the early 1990s managed to win the argument against a hostile UK press. The SNP have been very effective in news management in the past.”

Summed up: Boo hoo, media bad. Boo hoo, they’re all against us. Boo hoo, even the pollsters are biased. Wake up and smell the coffee boys. Unless the white knight manifesto promised in September has magical/mystical properties to change peoples minds, the damp squib Independence campaign is going to be squashed like a mankie tattie. And that would be a shame.

Monday June 24: English Nationalism on the rise and looking for something to focus on.

"I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice." - Clint Eastwood

“I’m interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.” – Clint Eastwood

SKINTLAND’S BRAND of ‘wee jobby’ Nationalism will pale into insignificance when England’s version finally decides to wake up reckons the estimable political commentator David Torrents.

In a ThinkSkintland piece, he vaguely charts the rise of the phenomenon and hints that its ‘grievance’ focus may become the perceived and devolved “privileges” of the Skints – all paid for at their perceived expense.

Right or wrong, the perception of Nationalism doesn’t really matter. All that counts is how universally hated you can make the common enemy seem in order to unite your communal hatred around.

As AhDinnaeKen has pointed out before, the English brand of Nationalism may yet place Skintland firmly in its sights and focus on our current escapist obssession as a threat to their pursestrings, power, prestige and identity.

UKIP and their particular brand of Nationalism may yet become the biggest threat to Skintland and the greatest opportunity for our ‘wee jobby’ Nationalists to exploit.

Whether we vote Yes or No, if England isn’t in a benevolent mood toward us, the future will be volatile, dangerous and likely to lead to several different types of unpleasant outcomes.

Summed up: As international relations cool between the major players and subsequently become increasingly dangerous for the world, does the ‘wee jobby’ Nationalist ‘economic levers’ vision of alleged ‘social justice’ really matter? Answers in crayon on a postcard to Five Pension central please.

Tuesday June 25: Spent actor Brian Cock to be voice of Druggy Drug

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw. Here's to Newsnat's laughable myopia.

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.” – George Bernard Shaw. Here’s to Newsnat’s laughable myopia.

NOT ONLY has the Ffrreeddoomm™ campaign attracted the ‘cream’ of the celebrity set, now the cartoon characters are climbing on bored too.

NewsnatSkintland has come up with the sublimely humorous idea of Druggy Drug, a spaced oot pro-Yes separatist Highland worrier who “talks shite, while pishing on anything of any interest or substance”.

And while the previous quote may or may not be made up, here’s a real quote from the main driver behind the idea, NewsnatSkintland’s semaphore officer, Lynda Williamsonoforange.

When asked on the British Brainwashing Corporation’s Guid Mornin’ Skintland if Druggy Drug would give a balanced view of each issue, Ms Williamsonoforange said: “It’s going to be the view of NewsnatSkintland. At NewsnatSkintland we do have an editorial line which is pro-constitutional change, so it will be coming from that angle.”

So that’s a big fat NAW then!

Summed Up: The alleged Skintish comedy, Bob Savant Independent, proved just how embarrassingly unfunny Brian Cock can be – despite the series having had its moments. Druggy Drug might appeal to fellow cartoons like Asterix the Galling, but real people will see it for the embarrassingly partisan pish it really is. Just like NewsnatSkintland, eh readers?

Wednesday June 26: Why laughing at Nationalist supremacists is forever

"Anyone with a platform of authority—editor, scholar, teacher—owes the audience a transparency that the use of “we” (like the use of the passive voice) can obscure." - from the cupboard under the stairs in Bath.

“Anyone with a platform of authority—editor, scholar, teacher—owes the audience a transparency that the use of “we” (like the use of the passive voice) can obscure.” – from the cupboard under the stairs in Bath.

WE* LIKES the ahem, ‘professional journalist’ Rev Stuart Campbells who writes, edits and froths out loud in Nationalist supremacist site Wangs Over Skintland.

We* might not like him in the social, political or humanitarian sense, but we* like him because he is always guaranteed to make us* belly laugh whenever we* dip into his pseudo-political blog.

Take his ‘special’ think piece written on Wednesday (please, just take it) entitled ‘Austerity is forever’.

The first paragraph is ironic comedy gold and we* quote its opening paragraph here verbatim:

“I’m going to do something I only do rarely and write this post in the personal pronoun, because it’s very much a personal view rather than an attempt to speak for a wider section of the independence movement.”

Anyone vaguely aware of the site who isn’t a Braveheart Commando or Nationalist McNutjob or Polarised Militant or Joan McAlpine, can’t help but be amused by the regular use of “we” and “us” when he really means himself.

He may speak for his followers – the Wangers – and that may justify the use of the pluralis maiestatis (majestic plural), but anyone aware of this individual’s modus operandi knows what’s really behind it – narcissism, aggressively disingenuous sophistry and an overly inflated ego out of control.

As Ben Zimmer the esteemed columnist of the New York Times recently wrote:

“Nameless authors of editorials may find the pronoun we handy for representing the voice of collective wisdom, but their word choice opens them up to charges of gutlessness and self-importance.”

Or: “The royal and editorial we are examples of the exclusive we, meaning that the person being addressed is not included in the scope of the pronoun.”

Onyhoo, we* digress. In keeping with the monotonously tedious Nationalist whinging recently aboot how ‘positivity’ always wins oot in political campaigns, we* have this “personal view” about the upcoming chance for the Skints to board the lifeboats before the UK Titanic behemoth stops ruling the waves and sinks under a herd of buffaloes charging toward a cliff with a helicopter on it, or something.

It’s a mostly laughably tedious monologue about how we* are all under the metaphorical yoke of a dystopian Orwellian type nightmare where the middle classes are responsible for their own subjugation under the auspice of uncaring and dispassionate political classes in whose interests austerity is best maintained.

The British middle-class will tolerate anything, according to the ahem, ‘professional journalist’, so long as they can maintain a sense of superiority toward the working class and underclass:

The ahem, ‘professional journalist’ further said:

“The British middle class – as we’ve seen by the remarkably muted response to austerity, compared to the riots in other countries – can tolerate its circumstances worsening considerably, as long as it can still see the gap between itself and the wretched poor.” he says.

So, not only can he speak for “a wider section of the independence movement”, he can also speak for the aspirations and outlook of the British middle-classes. We* doff our cringing cap and tug our inferiorist forelock to his ubiquituous all encompassing superior talent.

As you can imagine, the Wangers lap it up, love it to bits, mull it over and then form a queue of half-wits in the comments section coming out with trite phrases such as: “we need to get this out to more people” or “more people need to read this” or “people need to read this article and understand its truth“.

Summed up: We* understand this piece’s scaremongering philosophy and understand the Nationalistic sub-text all too well – the Rev needs to get out more and mingle with some real life Skints, not just the online McAnorak variety. Having no progeny and living in a cupboard under the stairs in Bath, when you could easily come back to Skintland with £30,000 worth of mendicant snake oil money in your pocket, is no way for a middle-aged embittered man to live; it’s sterile, empty and like his ‘Austerity is forever’ piece, ultimately meaningless.

Thursday June 27: Denial is a mindset in Skintland (amongst certain types)

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept." -  Wangs Over Skintland

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.” –
Wangs Over Skintland

ALEX MASSIEFERGUSON puts some meat on the bones of the topics covered by Mr Torrents ThinkSkintland piece from earlier in the week.

He articulates the figures and percentages onto the cuts suffered by the Skints Barnett formula budget duly doled out to the surly Nationalist executive by the hated English Bullingdon Toff Towel Folding Chancer.

As he rightly points out, it’s still a cut and it’s one that will affect the quality of future Barnum statement snake oil pronouncements issued by the Nationalists to aid their not very cunning separation plan.

Skintland has suffered from a very real reduction in funds of 1.9%. In relative terms it’s still significantly less than the 10% and greater reductions suffered by the English – in terms of justice, local government, environment, St George’s flags and flat stale beer.

They’re the sort of figures which will be used by the likes of the UKippers to foment resentment against the Skints by those susceptible to such empirically evidential sentiments – by current estimates, approximately 23% of the actively voting English population.

Of course, Mr Massieferguson’s argument is geared toward the reality that almost all Western governments are having to cut back on public spending.

He argues that the Nationalists are not being forthright with the Skintish public about the scale of cuts they could expect from an independent Skintish government.

But we knew that already anyway.

Summed up: Mr Massieferguson’s piece asks the questions that Skints deserve to have answered as candidly as possible by the pro-independence camps. The first casualty of the indy campaign – from both sides – is and was the truth. The onus is on the Yessers to provide the honest answers.

Friday June 28: Lament reshuffles shadow cabinet – nobody notices except Canned Macintosh

Iain Jiggity Grey. Back on the front benches. Yesterday.

Iain Jiggity Grey. Back on the front benches. Yesterday.

SKINTISH LABOUR party reshuffles its shadow cabinet – no one cares overly much. Ho hum.

Johann Lament has certainly provided some moderate entertainment in FMQs recently. Her mud slinging strategy waged against Five Pensions Salmond and his supine spineless SNP backbenches has at least provided some light entertainment, if nothing else, in the tediously dull big parish cooncil debates hosted at Whollyrude.

Meanwhile Jiggity Grey is back in the front bench as the main opponent for Finance Backstabber John Swindley.

Summed up: Here’s hoping some good comes out of it. We*’re not holding our breath. ZZzz…

Saturday June 29: Salmond makes a naked grab for women and their votes

"There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact." - Five Pensions Salmond.

“There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.” – Five Pensions Salmond.

CALL THIS site whatever you want. There has been nothing in these pages quite so embarrassingly cynical or obviously desperate as the Firstminster’s sadsack attempts at appealing tae the wimmin.

He’s not going to attend the Open because the club hosting it is an all male exclusive affair. Gin and Tonics all round, pass on the canapes, woo hoo, he really is an egalitarian faither o’ the country in waiting etc etc.

Summed up: Does standard political back slapping come any more obvious than this. We* think we* should be told.

* Apologies for the use of the Royal we* throughoot this piece. We* are in fact a bunch of pregnant wimmin wi’ tapeworms and a moose in oor pocket.

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