The Declaration of the 670 Commandments. The silver bullet which is going to save our country and give us all our sense of self, identity and self respect back. The Nationalists launched 670 ‘visionary’ pages yesterday outlining the definitive case for an independent Scotland, for a country’s destiny. With apologies to King James VI’s bible:
By Deck Larayshun from Mount Imaxi, Glesca.
01 And the sovereign people of Skintland said unto Moses Salmond, Hew thee 670 pages that will turn us to stone: and write upon these pages the words that have already been rent asunder in the Scotsman, the Herald, the Record and all the other Unionist forces of media oppression.
02 And be ready for the most historic day in the history of historic days ever, and come up in the morning to Mount Imaxi and present thyself there to me in front of the fifty foot screen.
03 And no man shall come up with thee, neither let any opposition politician be seen throughout all the Mount; neither let the flocks nor herds broadcast before that mount.
04 And he hewed the 670 pages which would turn thou to stone; and Moses Salmond rose up early in the morning, and went up unto Mount Imaxi as the sovereign people of Skintland had commanded him, and took in his hands the 670 pages of stone.
05 And the sovereign people of Skintland descended unto him, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of FFRREEDDDOOOMMM!!!
06 And the vision of FFRREEDDDOOOMMM!!! passed before them, and Moses Salmond proclaimed, FFRREEDDDOOOMMM!!!, the FFRREEDDDOOOMMM!!!, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and in truth.
07 Keeping mercy for thousands of bedroom tax victims, forgiving traitorousness and collaboration and turncoatedness, and that will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the Unionists, and upon the Unionist’s Unionists, unto the third and to the fourth generation.
08 And Moses Salmond made haste, and bowed his head toward his flock, and worshipped the sovereign people.
09 And he said, “If now I have found grace in thy vision, O sovereign people, let my sovereign Nationalist people, I pray thee, go among us; for it is a brassnecked people; and pardon our iniquity and our sin for ever having been taken in by thou Unionist pish, and take us as fools for thine inheritance.
10 And he said, Behold, I make a covenant: before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth, nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall seek the work of the sovereign people: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee.
11 Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold, I drive out before thee the Toryite, and the Labourite, and the LibDemite, and the UKIPite, and the Polite, and the Pakite.
12 Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a Unionist trap in the midst of thee:
13 But ye shall destroy their currency, break their media, and cut down their Unionist lies:
14 For thou shalt worship no other Firstminster: for the LORD whose name is SuperSalm, is a profligate Lord:
15 Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their childcare, and do sacrifice unto their leccy bills, and one call thee, and thou evict of his bedroom tax
16 And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their votes, and make thy footsoldiers go a whoring after their votes.
17 Thou shalt make thee no molten Unionist rebuttals
18 The feast of unleavened Ryder cup junkets shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt take thy entourage, as I commanded thee, and thou shalt destroy the receipts in the name of bureaucratic efficiency:
19 All that openeth the Neverendum is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether Cybernat or sheep, that is male.
20 But the firstling of an asshole thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And non shall appear before me prepared to vote No.
21 Three years thou shalt work, but on the fourth year thou shalt hide: in defeat and ignominy, thou shalt blame everyone but thy self:
22 And thou shalt observe the feast of five pensions, of the firstfruits of Westminster pension, Holyrood pension, Firstminster pension, MP pension and MSP pension harvest, and the feast of ingathering at SuperSalm’s career end.
23 Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the Lord SuperSalm, the ManGod of Skintland.
24 For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy Schengen borders: neither shall any Eurocrat desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the Lord thy God thrice in the year.
25 Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of legal advice be left unto the Deputy Firstminster.
26 The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the Bute hoose of the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not shirk or seek to hide from the Lord SuperSalm his due.
27 And the Sovereign People said unto Moses Salmond, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words We have made a covenant with thee and with Skintland.
28 And he was there with the Sovereign People for what felt like 400 years; he did hee haw other than say “it’s Westminster’s fault”. And he wrote upon the document the thousands of words of the covenant, the 670 commandments.
29 And it came to pass, when Moses Salmond came down from Mount Imaxi with the 670 pages of assertion in Moses Salmond’s hand, when he came down from the mount, that Moses wist no that the skin of his chins shone while he talked with him.
30 And when Darling and all the children of Skintland saw Moses Salmond, behold, the skin of his chins shone; and they were afraid to come nigh him lest they pish themselves laffin’.
31 And Moses Salmond called unto them; and Darling and all the rulers of the Unholy Unionist alliance rebuked him: and Moses Salmond asserted at them.
32 And afterward all the children of Skintland came nigh: and he gave them in commandment all that Joan McAlpine had ‘spoken’ with him in his hotel room.
33 And till Moses Salmond had done speaking with them, he put a beamer on his face.
34 But when Moses Salmond went in before the Sovereign People to speak with them, he took the beamer off, until he came out. And he came out and spake unto the children of Skintland that which he was demanding.
35 And the children of Skintland saw the chins of Moses Salmond, that those chins shone: and Moses Salmond drew the veil over his assertions again, and pished himself laffin at the naivety of his so called sovereign people.
[With apologies to Exodus 34 and King James VI ]