Scottish Sun Says Salmond will surrender

Scottish Scum comes out all guns blazing issuing its strongest condemnation yet of Murdoch’s Bitch Salmond’s latest opportunistic move.

“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien

By Salmy Naebaws

SALMOND’S INDY strategy will be “shackled” by strict punishing headlines in the Scum should he choose to implement press regulation in Skintland, according to the Scum.

The “draconian” warning has been issued by a ‘Scum Says’ editorial which implies that Salmond’s MacLeveson report is an “opportunistic” step too far.

Murdoch’s Bitch Salmond is expected, like his supine Tory Tory twin Bullingdon Dave, to drop the MacLeveson recommendations like a stone.

Insiders have said that ‘instinctively’ Salmond believes in ‘controlling’ information as witnessed by his attempts to gag the Freedom of Information commissioner: but the MacLeveson report is seen as a step too far – even for Salmond.

“Murdoch’s Bitch needs the backing of Murdoch’s papers,” said media strategist Kevin Bagapringles.

“We need the backing of a paper like the Scum.

“Did it not help drive the agenda for the War in Iraq? Did it not help paint the miners as the Enemy Within? Did it not help break the heads of the printers at Wapping with Thatcher’s full backing? And did it not help portray Liverpool fans as thieving urinating ghouls on the bodies of their dead fellow fans?

“We need this fine upstanding newspaper supporting the SNP’s Independence case. Only with its ‘progressive, inclusive and civic outlook’ can we convince Scotland’s people that Salmond deserves Independence.”

The MacLeveson report calls not only for the gagging of the press, but also for the censoring of Twitter and the Blogosphere.

Despite his desire for such an outcome, Salmond’s lack of balls is expected to result in him cravenly kicking the MacLeveson’s report into the long grass of scrutiny and further recommendation.

An opportunistic turncoat traitor for the Labouring party said: “We already know that Murdoch’s Bitch husnae got one ball, this climbdown will reinforce the implications of that knowledge.”

If MSPs seize the presses it is SALMOND who will lose out

Scottish Scum sends out unguarded message to the patriotic faither o’ oor great wee country.

“All media exist to invest our lives with artificial perceptions and arbitrary values.” – Marshall McLuhan.  Hmm! Sounds like the SNP manifesto.

By Getit Richt-Bigmanorelse

ANYONE WHO fears for their pre-neverendum publicity in Scotland has good reason to be worried today.

This afternoon the committee set up by Murdoch’s Bitch Salmond in the wake of the  Inralavyson report will issue its proclamations.

The committee, led by Judge Dreadful and made up of anonymous drones – not from the plasticine parliament this time – will make a proclamation which could drastically affect Sun King Salmond’s rightwing newspaper support.

This will strike at the very heart of the neverendum’s chances at a highly important time in Murdoch’s Bitch Salmond’s career.

And he, as a Murdoch ‘intern backscratcher’, should be worried.

It means surrendering the safeguard of the Scum’s support in the run up to the most historic Day of Destiny in the history of the universe ever.

The Scum may have faults and all of them will be brought to bear down on Murdoch’s Bitch should he interpret this editorial incorrectly.

No one would disagree that extreme cases of press baron sycophancy are unforgivable.

No one would disagree that some press barons can provide their support just as quickly as they can withdraw it.

But is there any evidence that the Scottish Scum will dig up every embarrassing gaffe and anomaly in the SNP assertion machine in order to undermine the neverendum’s case?

You’re damn right there is.

Salmond BEWARE!

BIG BLETHER IS WATCHING YOU!!

COMEDY RELIEF

Citizen Salmond: Bought and sold for Murdoch gold

As predicted by AhDinnaeKen, the press regulation debate lived up to the same standard of the majority of Whollyrude debates since 1999 – thermal hot air delivered by under employed empty coats. Here we* pay tribute to the emptiest coat of them all – Citizen Salmond.

Bought and sold for Murdoch gold, what a parcelled up barefaced liar for the nation.

By Fillip Service

CITIZEN SALMOND appeared to appear statesmanlike when he barefaced kidded on yesterday that there is a need for a separate press regulation body in Skintland.

Hijacking the brief from culture gauleiter Fiona Herslop, the Firstminster called for “business as usual” signalling to News Internationalism that it can continue calling the shots in the highest echelons of Skintish government.

He told MSPs yesterday: “I’m waiting to hear from Mr Murdoch and then I’ll decide what the consensus is.”

He called for a solution to his “reputational problems” and hoped that appearing sincere over press victims would contribute to his public rehabilitation.

He added: “I know how badly publicity can affect you when you’re caught with your pants on fire.

“That is as exact an answer as this talkin’ shop is gettin’ fae me the day.”

Opponents of the Firstminster pointed out that one of the biggest Skintish scandals was his refusal to inform the Skintish people whether or not his phone had been hacked pre his Inralavyson appearance.

They rounded on his smoke screen Observer hacked bank account fable and claimed that he should shop his adviser Alex Dingdongbell tae the polis.

Lib-Bent leader Willie Wont-he reminded the talkin’ shop that Citizen Salmond “doesn’t mind so much that an act could be unlawful.”

He said: “The Firstminster is like all nationalists in this; certain truths have to be denied or ignored. He denied that he has been badly impugned by Inralavyson and he ignored that known unlawful acts should be reported to the polis.

“What a parcelled up rogue for the nation. Bought and sold for Murdoch gold.”

We must press ahead with our own subservience to Murdoch

Following the Inralavyson inquiry, now is the time for the Scottish Government to play its part in ensuring Scots press is left vulnerable to monopolistic Murdochism

By Moan McVulpine – dropping to her knees for Murdoch

SCOTTISH NEWSPAPERS have changed for the better since I stopped having much to do with them – thank Christ.

When I was a junior reporter in the 1980s, there were no anti-Scots or ‘enemies within’. But now, faced with an impending No vote, they’re everywhere you look.

One thing that hasn’t changed is the place of the ever ridiculous SNP trying to kid on they’re at the heart of oor culture. They are infamous for encouraging chipped shooder victimhood wherever they go.

Oor media landscape remains very different from doon sooth, with titles such as the Scottish Sun providing us with a richt braw pair of Scottish tits every day – y’know, Salmond and Russell. (Okay I lied about braw – try suing me post Leveson, haw haw.)

So, it’s understandable that the opposition parties here appear reluctant to open alleged ‘consensus’ discussions with known innumerate deceiver and corporate gopher Tricky Dicky Salmond.

Salmond, they say, reeks of post-coital Murdoch intercourse and they don’t want to be tainted by association.

Newspaper regulation is devolved to the Scottish parliament – just as it was during operation Motorman and the phone hacking scandal – yet nothing was done then because Citizen Salmond didn’t see political capital in it.

In fact, it might have risked the ire of his corporate master Goebbels Murdoch. That’s why not a jot was said.

He was too busy plotting to corrupt the British Culture Secretary with the backscratching clandestine lobbying politics of the unlawful sewer.

Citizen Salmond has suggested getting a retired Ministerial code judge to lead a hand picked panel of experts.

But first he wants to pay lip service to the laugable principle of ‘consensus’ – the same type of consensus which lead to the passing of the Minimum Pricing of Alcohol bill.

Y’know, unicamera SNP majority consensus.

Predictably, even the Tory Tories aren’t prepared to stoop this low – the Tartan Tories are, however.

Essentially, Citizen Salmond is so tainted by the stench of Murdoch’s reek, that he thinks this move will somehow help him reclaim the moral high ground.

For Cybernats and party drones it will be an unparallelled success, proving that the Scots are an ‘inclusive’ and ‘progressive’ people who “do things differently here”.

For everyone else it will be just another slightly more exposed and sad case of the Firstminster with a big dirty shovel digging yet another hole to bury his unbridled lust for power.

Saor Alba fae Tricky Dicky Salmond.

COMEDY RELIEF

Salmond urged to remain silent

Unholy Alliance opponents of the Nationalist Forces of Righteousness continue their scurrilous attacks against the most honourable personality in Scotland

I don’t doubt the sincerity of my Scottish Nationalist friend. And he should not doubt mine. – Jonathan Aitken and his Sword of Truth

By Clandy Stine

PRIVY COONCILLOR the Right Honourable Sun King Alex of Salmond is being called upon to ignore, evade and diminish claims that the personal adviser who hacked his bank account used to work for the Observer.

The Firstminster used the smokescreen to continue doing Goebbels Murdoch’s work for him at the Inralavyson inquiry.

Scottish Labourer Paul Hoosemartin said: “Come in Wee Eck the gemme is up.

“Just how hard did Murdoch scratch your back? The country needs telt!”

BBC is totally biased claims Murdoch

Truth will out was the maxim so openly demonstrated by the Inralavyson inquiry when QC Robber Jaybird questioned Goebbels Murdoch over his attempts to undermine the BBC

Each and every one of these Prime and First Ministers has complained about the inherent and total biased output of the BBC. A spokesperson for the under fire corporation said: “Clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right, here we are stuck in the middle for you, the viewer.”

By Troothis Oot

GOEBBELS MURDOCH yesterday threw light on the worst kept secret in christendom that the BBC is completlely biased against everyone.

No matter the vested interest or the political party, the BBC was found wanting when it came to providing favour or lip service to third parties.

Questioned by QC Robber Jaybird on the position held by Optimus Prime, Bullingdon Dave, regarding the BBC, Murdoch replied “he hated them”.

When queried on what Tony Blair thought of the BBC, Murdoch said “he hated them”.

Following through, QC Jaybird asked what Margaret Thatcher thought of the BBC,  Mr Murdoch said “she hated them”.

Pressing further, QC Jaybird asked what John Major thought of the BBC, Mr Murdoch said “he hated them”.

Penultimately, QC Jaybird asked what Gordon Brown thought of the BBC, Mr Murdoch replied “he hated them”.

Finally, QC Jaybird queried what Sun King Alex of Salmond thought of the BBC, Mr Murdoch answered “what do you think?”

The revelations have led to accusations of total bias against the BBC.

Their silence and complicity  in the matter convicts them in the court of public opinion. Case closed.