Tag Archives: Rupert Murdoch

Exclusive: Scottish Sun will do what Murdoch tells it – nobody shocked

The Scottish Sun reveals that it will do exactly as Ruper Murdoch wants it to regarding its Neverendum editorial stance.

Firstminster Salmond: Scratching corporate backsides since before 2011.

Firstminster Salmond: Scratching corporate backsides since before 2007.

By Sue Pine

THE SCOTTISH Sun has said it is far too early for Mr Murdoch to give a toss about next year’s independence Neverendum.

Some Scottish voters are champing at the bit to free themselves from the subjugating yolk (sic) of Stockholm Syndrome and cultural, economic and political imperialism.

A Sun spokesperson said corporate and political considerations would determine the newspaper’s decision “depending on the potential concessions Mr Murdoch can extort from the Westminster govenment”.

The statement came after another media outlet broke ranks and reminded everyone that Mr Murdoch doesn’t back “lost causes”.

The Independent newspaper claimed on Monday that Mr Murdoch had signalled to David Cameron that if he lays off press regulation the Scottish Sun will lay off independence.

However, in a statement, a spokesperson for the Scottish Sun said: “Since Mr Salmond recently tried to play the big man on press regulation and did hee haw for us on the BSkyB bid, he’s getting not one bean fae us. Neutrality is a double edged sword muddy funster.”

Last February, Rupert Murdoch tweeted that Firstminster Salmond was the best thing in Scotland since deep fried mars bars.

He also signalled his support when he said: “Let Salmond eat as many mars bars as he wants. Nobody cares about his gluttony so long as the Neverendum delivers freedom from him.”

The Scottish Sun, which is Scotland’s biggest selling newspaper, switched from what Mr Murdoch told it to in 2007 to what Mr Murdoch told it to in 2011.

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Is today the most historic day in the history of history ever?

Today is likely to be considered the third or fourth or fifth or maybe even sixth most historic day in the history of history ever. It follows the launch of the Och Aye campaign, the Declaration of Contempt and the Day of Destiny when Murdoch’s Bitch Salmond revealed the date of the Neverendum in the first ever Sunday Sun. Ho hum.

“Some have learnt many Tricks of sly Evasion, Instead of Truth they use Equivocation, And eke it out with mental Reservation, Which is to good Men an Abomination.” - Benjamin Franklin.

“Some have learnt many Tricks of sly Evasion, Instead of Truth they use Equivocation, And eke it out with mental Reservation, Which is to good Men an Abomination.” – Benjamin Franklin.

By Histry Onics

TODAY IS a landmark day in the history of the world, perhaps even the universe.

Today is a landmark day when freedom loving people from across the planet politic will be able to look back and say “I was there.”

Today is a landmark day which captures the spirit of the zeitgeist and will allow people to reflect on their hopes and asprin-nation.

Today is the landmark day that Twitter turns seven.

That’s right! Twitter is seven years old today.

Oh! And Murdoch’s Bitch will peddle the second hand news which the Scottish Sunday Sun revealed over a year ago.

Ho hum. Scotland’s trembling with bored stupor giving us a headache.

More an asprin-nation than an aspiration.

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Scottish Sun confirms Salmond has nae baws

Scottish politicians might think they hold the moral high ground over the press in Scotland. AhDinnaeKen fearlessly investigates using old-fashioned fair-minded and honest reporting.

“When in doubt chicken out.” ― Robin Jones Gunn.  Tips hat to Naebaws Salmond, a clucking naebaws coward.

“When in doubt chicken out.” ― Robin Jones Gunn. Tips hat to Naebaws Salmond, a clucking naebaws coward. Cluck cluck!

By Salmy Naebaws

THE SCOTTISH government rolled over and wagged its tail in the direction of Goebbels Murdoch yesterday – signalling that Murdoch’s Bitch Salmond has nae baws.

Last week Salmond acted like Alpha dog by commending the findings of the  McCluckskey report into the shackling of the free press.

But, as soon as the Sun growled, he rolled over on his back to show the lack of baws he disnae possess.

Murdoch’s Bitch Salmond whined: “It wisnae me, it wis Lord McCluckskey, please don’t give up supporting me for the Neverendum.

“The bad boys at the Daily Ranger, Hootsman and Heraldic urnae giein’ me a chance.

“They’re scrutinising everything we dae and it’s no very nice.”

To ensure there was no doubt in Goebbels Murdoch’s mind, ex-Education Minster Fiona Hyslip was commanded to ingratiate the plasticine parliament in deference to the Sun.

She said: “We are going to do the usual Nationalist trick. When things get too hard for us in the plasticine parliament, let the big boys at Westminster take responsibility for us.

“Then, when things go wrang, we can blame them and look great in the eyes of the true Scots Nationalist public.”

Lib-Bent leader Will-he Wont-he burbled: “This is a most humiliating climb down for Murdoch’s Bitch.

“It just shows you the mutual respect the Sun disnae huv fur him.”

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Citizen Salmond: Bought and sold for Murdoch gold

As predicted by AhDinnaeKen, the press regulation debate lived up to the same standard of the majority of Whollyrude debates since 1999 – thermal hot air delivered by under employed empty coats. Here we* pay tribute to the emptiest coat of them all – Citizen Salmond.

Bought and sold for Murdoch gold, what a parcelled up barefaced liar for the nation.

Bought and sold for Murdoch gold, what a parcelled up barefaced liar for the nation.

By Fillip Service

CITIZEN SALMOND appeared to appear statesmanlike when he barefaced kidded on yesterday that there is a need for a separate press regulation body in Skintland.

Hijacking the brief from culture gauleiter Fiona Herslop, the Firstminster called for “business as usual” signalling to News Internationalism that it can continue calling the shots in the highest echelons of Skintish government.

He told MSPs yesterday: “I’m waiting to hear from Mr Murdoch and then I’ll decide what the consensus is.”

He called for a solution to his “reputational problems” and hoped that appearing sincere over press victims would contribute to his public rehabilitation.

He added: “I know how badly publicity can affect you when you’re caught with your pants on fire.

“That is as exact an answer as this talkin’ shop is gettin’ fae me the day.”

Opponents of the Firstminster pointed out that one of the biggest Skintish scandals was his refusal to inform the Skintish people whether or not his phone had been hacked pre his Inralavyson appearance.

They rounded on his smoke screen Observer hacked bank account fable and claimed that he should shop his adviser Alex Dingdongbell tae the polis.

Lib-Bent leader Willie Wont-he reminded the talkin’ shop that Citizen Salmond “doesn’t mind so much that an act could be unlawful.”

He said: “The Firstminster is like all nationalists in this; certain truths have to be denied or ignored. He denied that he has been badly impugned by Inralavyson and he ignored that known unlawful acts should be reported to the polis.

“What a parcelled up rogue for the nation. Bought and sold for Murdoch gold.”

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We must press ahead with our own subservience to Murdoch

Following the Inralavyson inquiry, now is the time for the Scottish Government to play its part in ensuring Scots press is left vulnerable to monopolistic Murdochism

Moan McVulpine - servicing the Firstminster whenever he needs it.

By Moan McVulpinedropping to her knees for Murdoch

SCOTTISH NEWSPAPERS have changed for the better since I stopped having much to do with them – thank Christ.

When I was a junior reporter in the 1980s, there were no anti-Scots or ‘enemies within’. But now, faced with an impending No vote, they’re everywhere you look.

One thing that hasn’t changed is the place of the ever ridiculous SNP trying to kid on they’re at the heart of oor culture. They are infamous for encouraging chipped shooder victimhood wherever they go.

Oor media landscape remains very different from doon sooth, with titles such as the Scottish Sun providing us with a richt braw pair of Scottish tits every day – y’know, Salmond and Russell. (Okay I lied about braw – try suing me post Leveson, haw haw.)

So, it’s understandable that the opposition parties here appear reluctant to open alleged ‘consensus’ discussions with known innumerate deceiver and corporate gopher Tricky Dicky Salmond.

Salmond, they say, reeks of post-coital Murdoch intercourse and they don’t want to be tainted by association.

Newspaper regulation is devolved to the Scottish parliament – just as it was during operation Motorman and the phone hacking scandal – yet nothing was done then because Citizen Salmond didn’t see political capital in it.

In fact, it might have risked the ire of his corporate master Goebbels Murdoch. That’s why not a jot was said.

He was too busy plotting to corrupt the British Culture Secretary with the backscratching clandestine lobbying politics of the unlawful sewer.

Citizen Salmond has suggested getting a retired Ministerial code judge to lead a hand picked panel of experts.

But first he wants to pay lip service to the laugable principle of ‘consensus’ – the same type of consensus which lead to the passing of the Minimum Pricing of Alcohol bill.

Y’know, unicamera SNP majority consensus.

Predictably, even the Tory Tories aren’t prepared to stoop this low – the Tartan Tories are, however.

Essentially, Citizen Salmond is so tainted by the stench of Murdoch’s reek, that he thinks this move will somehow help him reclaim the moral high ground.

For Cybernats and party drones it will be an unparallelled success, proving that the Scots are an ‘inclusive’ and ‘progressive’ people who “do things differently here”.

For everyone else it will be just another slightly more exposed and sad case of the Firstminster with a big dirty shovel digging yet another hole to bury his unbridled lust for power.

Saor Alba fae Tricky Dicky Salmond.

COMEDY RELIEF

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Filed under CyberNats, Moan McVulpine, Newspeak, Opinion

Salmond outlines brand new vision for Scotland

New light touch regulation for corporate types means everyone can look forward to fifteen minutes of fame on page three.

"Exploitation is a harsh word, I know that, but on a certain level, to me that is the central Whollyrude story." - Radical Interference Convention

“Exploitation is a harsh word, I know that, but on a certain level, to me that is the central Whollyrude story.” – Radical Interference Convention

By Korprit Hoor

ROSEBUD SALMOND has invited opposition party leaders to discuss how low to no corporation tax could be implemented in Scotland.

The Firstminster has already held talks with several amoral exploitative plutocrats and feels the time is now right to launch Scotland as a corporate tax haven in the mould of Luxembourg.

Lip service discussions with opposition MSPs will not matter as the supine SNP government will rubber stamp the will of Citizen Salmond anyway.

Citizen Salmond has called for a ‘Salmond’ solution following his Inralavyson inquiry vindication earlier last week.

But opposition party leaders have questioned the morality of a corporate lapdog system north of the border.

Speaking to the British Broadcasting Corporation’s Funday Politics Skintland programme, the Firstminster said deregulation of corporation tax was needed to fulfil the mantra of “we do things differently here.

“The more corporate plutocrats I collect for my political career the more unassailable my position becomes in the Scottish parliament.

“I’m looking for a consensus here and the people of Scotland handed me that consensus on a plate when I won my landslide victory in 2011.

“The opposition can say what they want just so long as they remember who has the majority.”

Ruth Lamont, one or both, of the opposition said: “I find it astonishing that he has not reflected on the brutalising and caustic effect his ducking and diving corporate apologism has on the people of Scotland.

“He regularly sups and goes to bed with these mutual corporate backscratchers
and now he wants to make non-beneficial whores of us all.”

Citizen Salmond has said he favours a system similar to the Irish model where Amazon exploits every well meaning governmental incentive going in order to payback virtually nothing other than workers wages.

Greengo politician Patacake Harvey said: “In biology there is a name for these types of organisms. They are called parasites.

“Just as tape worms were once popular amongst dieting women, Amazon is currently riding a wave of popularity amongst mendicant consumers because y’know, being much cheaper than everyone else has everything to do with something for nothing culture.”

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The MacLeveson verdict: Salmond WILL be judged

According to the Inralavyson report, Tricky Dicky Salmond cannot be criticised – in terms of the debate. But, in terms of what he was prepared to do, he should take every bit of criticism coming his way.

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.”  ― J.M. Barrie. Welcome to the new Nationalist manifesto.

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” ― J.M. Barrie. Welcome to the new Nationalist manifesto.

By Hingimoot Toodry

MEDIA PIMP Rupert Murdoch’s favourite Caledonian ‘trick’ Tricky Dicky Salmond has been judged as a two faced traitorous empty coat by the people of this Sceptred Isle.

In return for favourable advertising space in a tawdry newspaper, Tricky Dicky was prepared to sell oot the people of England, Wales, Ireland and even his allegedly beloved Scotland, to the corrosive monopolistic forces of MacFoxy Murdochism.

But, in his favour, he did not actually do so because he was considered too “inconsequential” by people who half-know what they are doing on a national and international scale.

So, for what he did not do, he cannot be criticised.

For what he was prepared to do, he should be condemned to the pit of ignominy reserved for the likes of Lord Hee Hee Haw Haw, Oswald Muesli and Tony Bliar.

Tricky Dicky Salmond was prepared to sacrifice media plurality, democratic diversity, free speech and Moan McVulpine’s tits for the sake of a wee mention in the Scum.

As Niccolo Machiavelli said: “Politics have no relation to morals.”

He also added the little known footnote: “And Salmond bears no relation to a moralistic politician.”

That Scotland’s Firstminster was prepared to prostitute his position behind the smokescreen of “Scottish jobs and investment” demonstrates that there is no low to which he will not stoop in order to gain a sniff of power.

As Lord Inralavyson’s brother Lord Leveson said: “Such arguments were irrelevant to the decision which the Secretary of State had to make and could not lawfully be taken into account.

“Any decision influenced by them would have been impugned if the subject of judicial review.” (section 3.74 Leveson)

So, mibbes it’s worth revisiting the epithet that Tricky Dicky Salmond is a “formidable politician”.

“We do things differently here” has long lost its resonance with any sane person except for those lost souls addicted to Nationalist MacBarnum statements and 14th/18th century tales of anglophobic revenge.

Come the Neverendum it’s worth remembering the sage and wise words of Emma Goldman: “If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.”

It’s also worth reflecting that the Firstminster said: “I have no responsibility for broadcasting policy, I have no responsibility for plurality in the press…”

And, therefore, he behaved completely irresponsibly in terms of the greater dangers and repercussions of such a deal being concluded.

Now, he says: “the Scottish Parliament has an inescapable responsibility to consider how Leveson should be implemented north of the border.”

AhDinnaeKen considers this cynically duplicitous to a point way beyond sinister, hence the less than humorous tone of this piece.

Saor Alba fae Tricky Dicky Salmond.

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