SNP emergency text alert tests begin

Mobile phone companies set to test emergency announcements in face of imminent SNP white paper.

"Project Fear has a role in terms of declaring a state of emergency." - Blaring MacDougall.

“Project Fear has a role in terms of declaring a state of emergency.” – Blaring MacDougall. Text alerts will keep the Scots on track.

By Widye Beleevit

TESTING OF a new text messaging system which alerts unwitting members of the public to SNP assertions is to begin in Glasgow.

Three hundred different test messages will be sent to mobile phone customers throughout the country from November this year – following the release of the SNP white paper on independence.

The messages will make it clear which type of Nationalist assertion is being dealt with. They will fit into a variety of categories such as, ‘Barnum statement’, ‘wishful thinking’, ‘falsehood’, ‘off the hoof remark’, ‘making it up now’, ‘la la la land-ism’, ‘total fantasy’ and ‘oh my god Salmond will do and say anything-ism’.

The trial is being run by Project Fear and Glasgow City Council in order to assist with the current conspiracy theory narrative of the Nationalists.

Black Ops Conspiracy
The initial test texts are intended to examine how various alerting technologies work and the public’s reaction to them.

Swiveleyed Loon, executive director of conspiracy theory creation at Black Ops Conspiracy central, said: “Project Fear has a legal duty to protect the people from systematic bombardment of SNP assertions.

“We already have several proven covert and underhanded methods of dealing with SNP fantasies, but the text alert system makes it easier and more immediate.

“Plus, it always gies us a guid laugh at the outpouring of grievance and injured sanctimony from the Nationalists.”

Mr Loon said that being able to send messages directly to mobile phones in a specific geographic area would mean we wouldn’t have to bother our subjugating masters in England with the trivialities.

Blaring MacDougall, Black Ops Project Fear chief, said: “We believe mobile technology can play a vital role in the simultaneous mass communication of assertion debunking messages to the public, now that the need has arisen.

“We look forward to the greetin’ faced whining of the Nationalists during our trial.”

People receiving test text messages can email Mr MacDougall to take part in focus group imperialistic brainwashing or take part in an online investigative grilling.

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