Jobs glorious jobs

Following Deputy First Prostitute Auld Nick Sturgeon’s appearance on the BBC’s ‘Good Morning Jockland’ to defend Belle De Salmond’s enforced declaration of NewsCorps whoredom, here is a transcript of what she said alongside an interpretation as provided by ALS Interpreter Bunny.

By Jaythinkwur Daft

Garand Robertson: Was there backscratching going on here?

Auld Nick: No, what was going on was a First Minister arguing for Scottish JOBS standing up for the Scottish economic interest, and making sure he was making the strongest possible case for Scottish employment, that’s what any First Minister worth their salt would do.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: It’s my JOB to talk about the Firstminster’s JOB to secure JOBS by prostituting his self to potential JOB creators. I’m giving him a hand JOB if you like. The hand JOB here is to repeat JOB as much as is plausible. That is my JOB and it’s your JOB to listen Garand.

Garand Robertson: How would News Corporation gaining full control of BSkyB have created more JOBS in Scotland?

Auld Nick: Well, Sky is a significant employer in Scotland, more than 6000 JOBS, the First Minister believed that News Corporation consolidating its ownership of Sky would have created the potential for increasing the number of JOBS in Scotland. He was also very concerned, as everybody should have been very concerned about the potential last year for JOBS to be lost, indirect Sky JOBS as a result of Sky reducing contact centres from 9 to 2. Now thanks to the work of the First Minister those JOBS, 800 JOBS have been secured in the City of Glasgow, now that’s the JOB of a First Minister.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: (Accompanied by music to the tune of Food Glorious Food) JOBS glorious JOBS, Phone NewsCorps and bluster, While I’m on the JOB, I’ll repeat JOBS like a huckster.

Garand Robertson: So this was all about creating the potential for JOBS. Was there any guarantee that by backing the merger JOBS would be created?

Auld Nick: Well, the First Minister believed there was potential for JOBS growth.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: That email’s JOB was to blow up in Wee Eck’s face. It was a blow JOB if you like. Wee Eck’s JOB as First Minister is to provide blow JOBS for his corporate masters.

Garand Robertson: But what did he base that on?

Auld Nick: He based that on discussions he had had with people in the company.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: He based that on his JOB to secure favourable publicity for the party.

Garand Robertson: But this is important, did they tell him that JOBS would be created?

Auld Nick: There was an expectation that if News Corporation consolidated its ownership of Sky then that would lead over time to increases in JOBS. Indeed in March…

ALS Interpreter Bunny: NAW! They telt him nuthin – jist patted him on the heid and said: “Guid JOB boy. Sit and wait and dae whit yer telt.”

Garand Robertson: It’s a perception but was there actually a discussion where he was told that there would be more JOBS?

Auld Nick: But these discussions between First Ministers and people looking to invest in Scotland go on all the time. It’s the JOB of a First Minister to encourage that kind of investment. It beggars belief that people don’t understand that.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: Ur ye’s aw bloody daft. I’m tellin ye that’s mah JOB to spin it this way. If ye don’t believe mah spin ye must be aff yer heid.

Garand Robertson: Do you accept that for some people that there is a moral issue here? The perception given by the emails that came out of Leveson is that the SNP will do deals for favourable coverage?

Auld Nick: But that’s not the case. I fully understand that in their desperation that’s the impression that people in Labour want to create. Which is totally hypocritical given their previous links with the Murdoch empire.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: Gies a brek Garand. They did it an’ aw. The Labouring Party are even bigger hoors and hypocrites than us.

Garand Robertson: So you’re saying it’s just coincidence the Scottish Sun switched support to your party at the same time the First Minister was said to be willing to lobby?

Auld Nick: I am emphatically and unequivocally saying there is no connection between these two things and I hope you’ll accept that Gary

ALS Interpreter Bunny: We have been emphatically and unequivocally found out. This is oor best shot at changin’ the perception that Wee Eck isnae a corporate bitch prostitute, jist a bit oh a JOB tart.

Garand Robertson: Auld Nick Sturgeon, ALS Interpreter Bunny, thankyou for appearing this morning for the BBC forces of  Unionism and Nationalist oppression.

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Filed under Culture, Diplomacy, Economy, Morality, Newspeak

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