Diary of an undercover lobbyist: Mission Implausible

The Intimate Adventures of a Holyrood Call Girl #1 – Introduction

You get good time. Sucky sucky. Only five dorra.

By Belle De Salmond

THE FIRST thing you should know is that I’m a whore.

I mean that in a glib way. I’m using the word as an analogy for working my political job and toiling away at the principle of  independence for Scotland.

Many of my friends will tell you how working a committee for a year or ending up as a special adviser is equivalent to prostitution.

It’s not.

I know this because I’ve worked a committee and I’ve fucked for publicity, and they are in no way similar. Not even the same planet. Different parliamentary procedures altogether.

The second thing is that I live in Holyrood. These two things may or may not be related. It’s not a cheap parliament – ask the poor taxpayer to confirm that.

Like almost all of my friends, I moved here after the  election with the hope of getting a majority. If not an outright one, at least something that left me room for manouevre to court handsome, rich, plutocratic men.

But such positions are thin on the ground. Almost everyone is studying to be a McCrone accountant now. Good god – a fate worse than Johann Lamont as Labour leader. McCrone accountancy trumps even Johann in the unsexiness stakes.

Political whoredom is unsteady work which can be demanding. I meet a lot of people. Granted, they’re almost all men, most of whom I’ll always see again, and I’m required to get fucked by them regardless of whether they have odd hair or have a grandee total of one gay principle or want me to recreate a fantasy in which they get to achieve a media monopoly.

But it’s better than watching the clock until the next scheduled tea and caramel wafers break in a dismal Bute Hoose.

So when my friends pull out the tired analogy of parliamentary employment-as-whoring, yet again, I nod knowingly and commiserate with them, and we down principles and wonder where all our youthful ideology went.

Theirs is probably on a tram ride to Edinburgh. Mine is spreading its legs for ‘scratch my back’ favours on an as needed basis.

Having said that, the leap to full-on prostitution did not happen overnight…

For more of Belle’s  adventures in the Diary of a Holyrood Call Girl, tune in next week at the same place – AhDinnaeKen.wordpress.com

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