Tag Archives: unanswered questions

SNP fail to organise piss up in brewery

Everyone in the world and the universe but the SNP are proven wrong as Little Miss Leader Sturgeon says you don’t need alcohol for a piss up in a brewery. Cybernats hail victory over everyone else’s fanatical Unionist bias.

Anti-Scots SNP opponents gently pointed out that those big silver things in the foreground could help with the organising of a piss up in a European brewery.

Anti-Scots SNP opponents gently pointed out that those big silver things in the foreground could help with the organising of a piss up in a European brewery.

By Hauf Jaked

DEPUTY MISS Leader Sturgeon has proven the ‘outstanding’ competence of the SNP by telling everyone alcohol is not a requirement for a piss up in a brewery.

Speaking at the Whollyrude Fantasy Factory she also pointed out that Euro Quangocrat Jose Barettea “wiz wrang” and castigated him for his letter stating that “you need whores for an orgy in a brothel.”

She said: “The SNP have organised orgies in brothels without the need for whores or prostitutes – though admittedly – like today we made a hoor o’ a mess o’ that an’ aw.”

Deputy Miss Leader’s allies reinforced her competence stating that the Declaration of Contempt 2012 proved that you didn’t need “two tickets for a two ticket raffle”.

They cited Tricky Dicky Salmond’s expert Neverendum negotiations where he failed to get Pepsi-Max onto the ballot paper ensuring an end to his career in 2014.

Miss Leader’s allies said: “Bullingdon Dave categorically stated at the Tory conference in March that Salmo wiznae gettin’ another question on the referendum and he wiz proved right.

“Another victory for the negotiation skills of the SNP.”

Wading into the stushie, Parliamentary Sex Aide Moan McVulpine accused anti-Scots fffrreeedddooommm™ disbelievers of treason against the “SNP competency revolution”.

Referring to Mike Bernhard Rust-ell’s innumerate college budget figures she said: “We can run a bath, it’s running an education department that’s the tricky bit.

“This scenario proved that the SNP cannae run a bath, let alone a secret tape recorder.”

Commentators have agreed that this hasn’t been the SNP’s finest hour but fully expect the party to show they can manage their way out of a wet paper bag sometime in the new year.

No one is holding their breath.

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Scottish Sun declares Day of Destiny (again)

Second most historic day in the history of world history to take place on Monday (after subsidised lunch)

Salmond's puppet master celebrates his master stroke at expense of everyone in United Kingdom.

Salmond’s puppet master celebrates his master stroke at expense of everyone in United Kingdom.

By Ahvwetma Pants

AN HISTORIC deal has been struck on a single ‘yes or no’ question in Moses Salmond vanity project, it appeared last night.

The breakthrough comes ahead of crunchy talks between the Firstminster and the Prime Toffee Minister at the tuck shop in Edinborrow.

Last night Tory Tory Skintland Office Minister David Hundell said in a TV interview that voters would face two more years of stultifyingly fractious boredom on whether Nationalists should be taken seriously or not.

He said: “We are all agreed that Moses has been suitably chastised over Devo Max and his career is now on a shoogly peg.

“He can have what he wants regarding the wording of the question, and five year olds can vote if that’s what the Nato’s want – it’s not going to make any difference anyway other than maybe pissing everyone off when the Nato’s go in the huff after the inevitable result.”

It is also expected the agreement will allow the SNP to make carte blanche barnum statements regarding the emancipation of the oppressed and downtrodden subjugated Scots under the yoke of the imperial ba**ard Anglo-Saxon non-Celtic English.

Casualties through boredom attrition are expected to be severe and forecasters have predicted that suicides may outstrip methadone related deaths.

Windbag, crashing bore and thoughtlessly unimaginative drone spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “Roots toots and hoots man! This is what we wanted all along. Alex Salmond has played an absolute blinder and made the evil Unionyptians look like fools. Truly he is the son of God.”

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SNP rustle – It wisnae me, a big boy did it and ran away

Scottish electorate warned to beware SNP Geeks bearing gifts

"In the Scottish Parliament, the only homage which they pay to Virtue - is hypocrisy." - Anon. The real question needing asked is who really pays the price? Answers on a Freedom of Misinformation denial form please.

“In the Scottish Parliament, the only homage which they pay to Virtue – is hypocrisy.” – Anon. The real question needing asked is who really pays the price? Answers on a Freedom of Misinformation denial form please.

By Trojan Cuddy

EDUCATION GAULEITER Mike Bernhard Rust-ell was forced to taste the nettle over his clandestine Thatcherite manifesto yesterday.

The senior SNP creep told MSPs that it was a fair cop he had been found out over his anti-universal benefits stance, but counter claimed “it wisnae me, a big boy did it and ran away”.

The issue of the “something for nothing” culture in Scotland has become the centre of a mud slinging competition with Red Tories accusing Tartan Tories of being Tories.

One political commentator said: “Does it really matter, they’re aw in it the gither, they’re aw Tories.”

But concerned Tories hit back: “We might be Tories but we’re not as Tory as the Red Tories or the Tartan Tories – we’re Tory Tories.”

Labouring leader Fandabadozie Lament attempted to single out sinister misogynist Rust-ell by quoting from his book Mein Kampfen Thistle.

The book states: “Put bluntly, those people considered most in need are dragging us all down as a people. However, our Fifty Shades of Tory pish political parties lack the courage to say ‘fire up the ovens’.”

But Mr Rust-ell wobbled like a fat slimy jelly in the Whollyrude chamber. “I am more than prepared to say today that I am more than prepared to say whatever it takes to side step the issue till we gain real power by fair means or foul.”

Ms Lament accused the Tartan Tories of betraying everyone, even themselves, by fiddling their pension pots while Scotland burned.

She said: “The SNP believes the priority, as public services are starved of cash in tough times, is to protect their pension pot cash – half a million pounds sterling per senior cabinet minster. Looted in an exceptionally short period.”

The Labouring leader last week questioned why former High Priestess of Temperance and Intolerance Nicola Sturgeon should line her pockets with a half million of hard earned tax payer money.

But Ms Sturgeon insisted yesterday that the Labourers were just jealous.

“Their jealousy has its roots in the misguided belief of the Red Tories that they should be getting their noses in our trough. It’s a jealousy that puts at risk the wholesale smash and grab political looting of our pocket money budget.”

Tory Tory finance spokesperson Gavin Brownnose said the country needs to have a debate on the issue of the SNP’s spendthrift cash-in: “Doing nothing, if we are honest, is not an option, we want some of that money for ourselves. The SNP are just being greedy.”

SNP backbenchers continued the attack on themselves, with Stuart McMilliband describing Alex Salmond’s admiration of Margaret Thatcher’s economic policies as “oor grasped thistle.”

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MacAesops Fables #27 – The Dancing SNP Monkeys

Our twenty-seventh Sunday outpouring of sanctimony and self-righteous morality to be taken as seriously as the SNP’s commitment to anything, other than the Neverendum vanity project

Eck’s reshuffled cabinet ministers display their delight at their new positions of responsiblity.

A VAINGLORIOUS FIRSTMINSTER had some SNP Monkeys trained to dance to his tune.

Being naturally great mimics of politicians actions, they showed themselves most apt pupils, and when arrayed in their rich clothes and masks, they danced as well as any of the other Unholy Alliance politicians.

The spectacle was often repeated with great applause, till on one occasion an Unholy Alliance politician, bent on mischief, took from his pocket a handful of NATO nuts and threw them upon the stage.

The SNP Monkeys at the sight of the NATO nuts forgot their dancing and became (as indeed they were) Monkeys instead of real politicians.

Pulling off their masks and tearing their robes, they fought with one another over the NATO nuts.

The dancing spectacle thus came to an end amidst the laughter and ridicule of the audience.

Analysis: Let’s start with the moral of the fable: “Not everything you see is what it appears to be.” Indeed! Enough said about the left talking right acting Scottish National Party.

The SNP’s new highly unprincipled dedication to the ‘unpardonable folly’ of joining NATO’s first strike nuclear alliance looks exactly like what it is – jettisoned principles in the face of perceived power.

All that can really be done now for the undedcided and the opposition is wait, watch and listen.

Inevitably, the fallout of sophistry, hypocrisy and evasion from the SNP’s autocratic leadership as they attempt to justify their inalienable lust for self aggrandising ego driven power, will fully unfold and be revealed at the SNP conference this October.

Get the fat-free crisps, the Tartan Tammies, the 3D glasses and the alcohol-free beer in for what promises to be a richt guid hand wringing, soul searching laff at the volte face, about turn, Janus like, cringing justification, blood fest.

It’s bound to be funnier than the new series of The Thick of It – which admittedly wouldn’t be hard.

For more morally superior and vacuous posturing click on the Fable category to the right.

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A bloody echo of Jakey Apartheid

WHISKY malts, whisky chasers, whisky minimum pricing – it’s shorthand for high-visibility court battles

By Moan McVulpinelet them drink Pinot Grigio

WHISKY IS something we associate with Scottishness, hogmanay and gettin pished.

Whisky neat, whisky mixed, whisky downed – it’s shorthand for gettin-madwi’it.

The Queen mother had a platinum hip flask fashioned for her favourite malt.

Justin Bieber can handle two shots and he’s oot the gemme.

But it’s lost it’s lustre ever since drinks giant Rajeo effectively killed the brands of Johnnie Walked and Cardwho.

As someone who remembers getting a 1/4 gill for 30p in a pub it made me yearn for Holyrude’s subsidised canteen.

But it was the news earlier last month that really made me think I had fallen asleep and missed a parliamentary question.

There was a move by the anti-Scottish BBC Radio Four Today programme to trap whisky giant Rajeo’s chief executive Palsy Welsh into saying something negative about an independent Scotland.

The history dates back to the 2009 closing down of the Johnnie Walked factory in Auld Killie toon.

Sun King Moses of Salmond led his sovereign people in a valiant rallying demonstration of sovereign people power.

And he might just have wangled a stay on the execution of the Johnnie Walked brand and it’s Kilmarnock workforce.

But, as is his wont, he overstepped the mark and started dictating terms to Rajeo through the public platform of the demo’s rallying point.

The rest is ego driven rank amateur demagogic history.

We know that corporate sharks don’t tolerate THEIR brands being politicised by amateur demagogues for the sake of public relations points.

The Killie workforce and the Johnnie Walked brand paid the price for Sun King Moses vanity message.

Here’s hoping the sovereign Scottish people don’t end up paying the price for his vanity project.

COMEDY RELIEF

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MacAesops Fables #26 – The Unionist Lion and the SNP Boar

Our twenty-sixth Sunday outpouring of sanctimony and self-righteous morality to be taken as seriously as the chance of getting a fair trial under Scotland’s new Unionist style law

“Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves”. – Eric Hoffer

On a summer day, when the great Neverendum debate induced a general thirst for power, a Unionist Lion and a SNP Boar came at the same moment to a small well to drink.

They fiercely disputed which of them should drink first, and were soon engaged in the agonies of a mortal combat.

On their stopping on a sudden to take breath for the fiercer renewal of the strife, they saw some Vultures waiting in the distance to feast on the one which should fall first.

They at once made up their quarrel, saying: “It is better for us to make friends, than to become the food of Crows or Vultures, as will certainly happen if we are disabled.”

Analysis: The moral of the tale is simply: Those who strive are often watched by others who will take advantage of their defeat to benefit themselves. Think Murdoch, think China, think corporatism, think again.

For more morally superior and vacuous posturing click on the Fable category to the right.

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SNP’s decision to scrap lip service to human rights has been vindicated

Scotland will reap the benefits of our lowered morality system which the SNP is determined to expand.

By Moan McVulpineadding a new dimension to looking like a pro

They said it couldn’t be done.

But the SNP’s determination to scrap basic morality in the face of human rights abusers was well and truly vindicated this week.

There’s been a thirty per cent rise in Scottish businesses securing contracts with Chinese genocide companies.

By contrast, trade deals between Norway and China fell to a staggering zero due to Norway’s snooty attitude toward Nobel peace prizes and political dissidents.

One of the first major contracts awarded by the SNP government this year was worth £800 million to the Chinese – in return we got two cuddly infertile pandas.

In England, the anti-Scottish Tories had a richt guid laugh at our faux sanctimony over placing contracts with human rights abusers. Dae they no remember whit happened at Berwick in the 14th century?

Labour steeled themsel’s for a barnie, but wee Lament hudnae grasped some basic principles and Sun King Alex smacked her doon as easy as shootin’ sumbody fae the Sudan.

Scottish students contribute to the more than 80 per cent of anti-Scots Scots who find the SNP’s cosying up to Chinese genociders, abhorrent.

It’s not cheap. It might cost us votes. But it’s a price worth paying.

There’s more Chinese blood contracts to be won.

It will help us build up a multi-million pound blood fund for our future.

Scotland topped the UK league for Chinese investments in 2011, steel, pandas, salmon, petrochemicals, oil production with almost 6000 blood jobs created – over 5999 more than any other British region.

Our politicians are third in the world when it comes to public apologism regarding the Chinese.

We have a reputation to keep up. Souter, Trump, Murdoch, Football Thoughtcrime, Freedom of Information refusal and Chinese genocide embracement – no wonder we’ve rightly been called the Party of One Principle.

COMEDY RELIEF

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