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Jobs glorious jobs

Following Deputy First Prostitute Auld Nick Sturgeon’s appearance on the BBC’s ‘Good Morning Jockland’ to defend Belle De Salmond’s enforced declaration of NewsCorps whoredom, here is a transcript of what she said alongside an interpretation as provided by ALS Interpreter Bunny.

By Jaythinkwur Daft

Garand Robertson: Was there backscratching going on here?

Auld Nick: No, what was going on was a First Minister arguing for Scottish JOBS standing up for the Scottish economic interest, and making sure he was making the strongest possible case for Scottish employment, that’s what any First Minister worth their salt would do.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: It’s my JOB to talk about the Firstminster’s JOB to secure JOBS by prostituting his self to potential JOB creators. I’m giving him a hand JOB if you like. The hand JOB here is to repeat JOB as much as is plausible. That is my JOB and it’s your JOB to listen Garand.

Garand Robertson: How would News Corporation gaining full control of BSkyB have created more JOBS in Scotland?

Auld Nick: Well, Sky is a significant employer in Scotland, more than 6000 JOBS, the First Minister believed that News Corporation consolidating its ownership of Sky would have created the potential for increasing the number of JOBS in Scotland. He was also very concerned, as everybody should have been very concerned about the potential last year for JOBS to be lost, indirect Sky JOBS as a result of Sky reducing contact centres from 9 to 2. Now thanks to the work of the First Minister those JOBS, 800 JOBS have been secured in the City of Glasgow, now that’s the JOB of a First Minister.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: (Accompanied by music to the tune of Food Glorious Food) JOBS glorious JOBS, Phone NewsCorps and bluster, While I’m on the JOB, I’ll repeat JOBS like a huckster.

Garand Robertson: So this was all about creating the potential for JOBS. Was there any guarantee that by backing the merger JOBS would be created?

Auld Nick: Well, the First Minister believed there was potential for JOBS growth.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: That email’s JOB was to blow up in Wee Eck’s face. It was a blow JOB if you like. Wee Eck’s JOB as First Minister is to provide blow JOBS for his corporate masters.

Garand Robertson: But what did he base that on?

Auld Nick: He based that on discussions he had had with people in the company.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: He based that on his JOB to secure favourable publicity for the party.

Garand Robertson: But this is important, did they tell him that JOBS would be created?

Auld Nick: There was an expectation that if News Corporation consolidated its ownership of Sky then that would lead over time to increases in JOBS. Indeed in March…

ALS Interpreter Bunny: NAW! They telt him nuthin – jist patted him on the heid and said: “Guid JOB boy. Sit and wait and dae whit yer telt.”

Garand Robertson: It’s a perception but was there actually a discussion where he was told that there would be more JOBS?

Auld Nick: But these discussions between First Ministers and people looking to invest in Scotland go on all the time. It’s the JOB of a First Minister to encourage that kind of investment. It beggars belief that people don’t understand that.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: Ur ye’s aw bloody daft. I’m tellin ye that’s mah JOB to spin it this way. If ye don’t believe mah spin ye must be aff yer heid.

Garand Robertson: Do you accept that for some people that there is a moral issue here? The perception given by the emails that came out of Leveson is that the SNP will do deals for favourable coverage?

Auld Nick: But that’s not the case. I fully understand that in their desperation that’s the impression that people in Labour want to create. Which is totally hypocritical given their previous links with the Murdoch empire.

ALS Interpreter Bunny: Gies a brek Garand. They did it an’ aw. The Labouring Party are even bigger hoors and hypocrites than us.

Garand Robertson: So you’re saying it’s just coincidence the Scottish Sun switched support to your party at the same time the First Minister was said to be willing to lobby?

Auld Nick: I am emphatically and unequivocally saying there is no connection between these two things and I hope you’ll accept that Gary

ALS Interpreter Bunny: We have been emphatically and unequivocally found out. This is oor best shot at changin’ the perception that Wee Eck isnae a corporate bitch prostitute, jist a bit oh a JOB tart.

Garand Robertson: Auld Nick Sturgeon, ALS Interpreter Bunny, thankyou for appearing this morning for the BBC forces of  Unionism and Nationalist oppression.

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Phwoar! It’s Your Super Soaraway Sun King

And Auld Nick heard the word of the Sun King and saw that it was good

Auld Nick’s eulogy spectacularly fails in bid to pour cold  water on  hot air ballooning ego.

By Whitta Blowhard

SUN KING Alex of Salmond is set to eclipse Ghandi and Nelson Mandela in the sainthood stakes it was claimed by scunnered heathen Unionyptians yesterday.

Clip moothed attack terrier, Auld Nick Sturgeon, attempted to reign in the fervour of the party’s faithful subjects but was visibly overcome by the charisma of the anointed one’s divine intervention on stage.

It had seemed like just another party conference set to celebrate the 2011 Bloodyrude victory of the forces of righteousness over the oppressive Unionyptians in the ongoing War of Devolution.

But, in front of the Telescreen cameras, Glesca witnessed the second coming in the form of the Sun King; it became a communal epiphany etched on the Nationalist consciousness for eternity.

No one was more overcome than Auld Nick herself. Struggling to remain on her feet, she spoke clearly and unwaveringly in her attempt to placate the Sun King’s welcome to the humble terrain of Glesca.

In order to impart a sense of the atmosphere and general feeling of adulation, we publish a transcript of her welcoming eulogy here:

“Oh humble subjects, though I am not worthy, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the main event of our conference, the address by the Anointed One, the proclamation to conference by our Sun King, Alex of Salmond.

“Now, when I revealed our Sun King to the conference back in October I was able to announce to you that he had just been awarded the South Australia Divine  Intervention Leadership award.

“Since then, the Anointed One has won the Herald Hand of God of the year award; the UK Theological Studies Association Messiah of the year award; the Spectator Magazine’s  Nationalistic Saviour of the year award; and the Narcissists Vanity award at the Scottish Green vanity awards.

“Now, you mere mortals thought I used to have a tough time keeping his feet on the ground didn’t you?  But then, after all of that, on the 27th of December last year, our Sun King was awarded the Times 2011 Murdoch Midas Touch Sun King of the Year Award.

But I think it’s part of my job to bring this hot air balloon’s feet back down to earth. So, I’m gonna remind him today that he’s in Glesca, the grating City of Glesca. and in Glesca yer naebody until ye’ve won the Evening Times Cheshire Cat that got the Cream award.

Humble subjects, our Sun King is a worthy, an extremely worthy recipient of all of these awards. He has led our party to unprecedented success.

But even more importantly than that he has brought the War of Devolution to life and he has put our country’s reputation on the line.

Delegates he is our righteous leader, he is Scotland’s Sun King. I ask you now to welcome to the stage with rapturous applause the Sun King, Alex of Salmond.

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Horseplay over Sungate – Yer filly it says Salmond

King Alex replies to stunty wee krank at Bloodyrude Cooncil

Horseplay over Sungate may lead to un-stable government said stableboy Lament.

By Neigh Palm

ANTI-INDEPENDENCE Unionistas are chomping at the bit in their attempts to bridle King Alex of Salmond for his horseplay with media philanthropist Goebbels Murdoch.

Jockeying for position, Leading Scottish Labourer, Fandabadozie Lament, tried to geld King Alex, demanding to know first hand the details of his canter with Goebbels earlier this week.

King Alex, once again, galloped away from the rest of the field and accused them of being ‘filly’ it  stating they weren’t going to make a foal of him.

Despite this, King Alex bucked expectations with this prepared statement which left punters wanting mare. “This is as farrier as it goes, if ye’s want mare you’ve got neigh chance.” he said.

The following is a transcript of his statement in full:

“If a confusing picture has emerged over the last few days, I’m very sorry about that. I think my brown shirts have had to answer a lot of questions about media philanthropists. Let me try and shed some light. I’ve known Goebbels Murdoch, the owner of News Inter-Nationalism for over 30 days and, he’s a good friend and he’s an ideological neighbour. In my vision for Scotchland, we live a few miles apart. I haven’t been writing for him since the News of the Screws closed down, as I said yesterday. Before the closure, yes I did go writing for him, he has a number of different newspapers and yes, one of them was this poor newspaper, the News of the Screws, which I did write in. I am very sorry to hear that The News of the Screws is no longer with us. Um, and I think I can probably conclude that I  think I’ll be getting back into the saddle with the Sunday Scum some time soon.”

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