AhDinnaeKen is proud to present a genuinely non-made up fictional correspondent, Lambshanks, who has let himself/herself get brow beaten into posting a load of nothing about something. Enjoy:
“People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in Holyrood’s Plasticine Parliament.” – Lambshanks
The Cringing Jocksman newspaper reported the Britnats Thegither campaign’s claim that there would be no Unionist scare stories in an independent Scotland, and the worry was that hard working families “wouldn’t have enough to work hard worrying about”.
An SNP spokesman dismissed the claims as “scaremongering and negativity”, and added: “We’ve been blaming the Union for a’thing for three hunner years noo, so we can easily use scare stories to shift the blame to WasteMiddenMonster for another few hunner years in an emancipated, confident and forward-thinking Scotland brimming with positivity and vision.”
An exclusive interview with obscenely rich Scottish pie magnate Sir Tam McFermer was published by the Weegie Herald. Sir Tam, who made his zillion pound fortune selling Scotch Pies and now lives in a Caribbean tax haven, claimed that neither the Aye or Naw campaigns had impressed so far, and both had scaremongered about smaller than expected corporate tax reductions, with the rest of the debate amounting to “unmitigated pish” and a “national embarrassment”.
Sir Tam robustly countered suggestions that his pie empire had “furred up the nation’s arteries” and “increased the incidence of bowel cancer”, claiming the SNP’s proposed tax on saturated fatuousness was “utter mince”.
A statement issued by the British McRaj said they would implement further corporation tax cuts for the business interests of personal tax exiles “when economic conditions permit”, while a Scottish Radge called for a tax regime “conducive to Scotch Pie consumption”. A typically vacuous and sanctimonious hark-the-Herald leader column called for both sides to “stop the tit-for-tat” and “take the debate forward”, because “the people of Scotchland deserve better”.
Meanwhile, self-described ‘bullshitter, haverer, hopelessly partisan non-thinker’ Peter, A Bellyacher tweeted: “I’ll vote Yes to see a sovereign Scotland assuming her rightful place in the international community of nations, just like any other basket-case Western country with a massive fiscal deficit and hugely reliant on a moribund, dirigiste and self-perpetuating public sector, with an economy dependent on a declining fossil fuel resource, which is paradoxically and hypocritically being used to bankroll a growing subsidy-junkie renewables sector.”
The question of Scottish independence had worldwide ramifcations when a Twitter shitstorm almost broke the World Wide Internet Web Thingy, following a claim Alex Salmond had “eaten too many pies”, and that this explained his reluctance to be interviewed on TV by fellow pie-devourer TannadiceLad. The claim, by prominent Unionist blogger, voracious Twatter, leading lawyer and Labour apparatchik-hack Ian SmartByNameOnly, led cybernat EdinburghAgreement2012 to call for an independent Scotland to make high treason a capital offence, while sycophantic Labour pee(take)er Lord McConnell of Malawi said that cybernats should “keep the heid” and that their “hate-filled anti-pie rhetoric” was detracting attention from real Unionist scaremongering.
The Very Irreverent Messiah Stu-pid Dumb-bell, author of the Cybernat Hyperbole Ower Somerset blog, alleged that Mr SmartByNameOnly had suffered a “cerebral meltdown and implosion of epoch-making, neutron star-esque proportions, capable of taking out the National Grid and causing a ten-metre worldwide Tsunami at the same time”.
A spokesman-person for the World Wide Internet Web Thingy (Scotch branch) declined to comment on the impact of the independence debate on the stability of the web, but said the question of Scottish self-determination and autonomy was “for the subjugated minions of Vichy Jockland to decide” and that he had nothing further to say, but added simply that he “wished they’d all shut the feck up for five meenutes and gie us some peace”.
Newsnicht TheNicht was cancelled because of a European fitba match, with Britnat tweeters condemning the action as SNP “black ops” designed to “bury bad news” about an unfavourable opinion poll while at the same time promoting “independence in Europe”. Another claimed this demonstrated that only Scottish and European fitba would be broadcast in an independent Scotland.
A war of words erupted when an opinion poll commissioned by Michty Aye Scotland showed 90% in favour of independence, with 5% “nae very sure”, and 5% claiming to support UKIP. The Nae Chance campaign claimed that the question – which asked whether “A confident, ambitious, vibrant and bountiful Scotland should flourish and prosper as a good global citizen as far away as possible from posh English Tory Bullingdon boy oppressively rich barstewards” – was loaded in favour of tearing the UK asunder.
The Queen’s highly impartial polymath and psephologist-in-residence John Krusty (the clown) conceded that the question exhibited some evidence of bias, but couldn’t provide a definitive analysis for some time because he was currently leading a conference on particle physics, while next week he’d be competing in a round-the-world yacht race.
An extended edition of Newsnicht TheNicht discussed Tuesday’s Pie-Twitter-shitstorm-gate, with leading Nat Nateroo McGormless calling for calm on both sides, and for an “inclusive, tolerant, respectful, non-judgemental, civic-minded, touchy-feely” debate appropriate for an “inclusive, tolerant, respectful, non-judgmental, civic-minded, touchy-feely” Scotland, which could ultimately lead to world peace and the permanent dismantling of all weapons of mass destruction.
Britnats Thegither representative Bliar McDoughnut accused McGormless of needlessly inflaming the rampant cybernat criminal element, suggesting that Salmond’s over-consumption of pies was a MacMachiavellian plot to inflame his hangers-on, encourage the outbreak of online guerrilla warfare to break the internet, and thus hasten the demise of the Union.
Newsnicht TheNicht presenter John MackTie-less casually and pointlessly read out a few vacuous and irrelevant viewers’ tweets simply to demonstrate that the programme is contemporary, cutting-edge and post-formal. But he reassured viewers that the old fossils in the corner – Alf NaeVeryYoung and Bill TimeTaePitYerJimJamsOn – would be wheeled out for commentary in the next edition lest gangrene set in.
A political row broke out following SNP claims that an independent Scotland would automatically gain entry to the International Association of Bagpipers. In response Britnats Thegither said that Scotland would have to apply as a new state, and this could mean “years of worry and uncertainty for hardworking bagpipers and their families”, not to mention for “feckless, workshy, benefit-scrounging bagpipers and their dysfunctional and anti-social families”.
Tom McHaver, emeritus professor of International Bagpipe and Constitutional Treaty Law and Theory at the University of Easterhoose, said he’d spent five years undertaking an extensive study of the relevant jurisprudence, and concluded that the issue would depend on whether Scotland gained independence or not. He added: “Nene o’ us really hae a scooby, but it keeps us a’ in a joab, ken?”
A spokes-biddy for the bagpipe association refused to comment, claiming that independence was “an internal matter for Scottish voters to decide”, but said that the organisation would consider the issue fully when “a progressive, egalitarian and communitarian Scotland resumed her rightful place in the international community of nations”. NaeTheNewsCybernatNet Scotchland claimed the association had shown insufficient bias in favour of an independent Scotland, and accused Denigrating Scotland presenter Jockie Burd of failing to demonstrate sufficient deference and optimism when reporting the issue during a brief interlude between the crime and fitba pieces. NaeTheNews spokesJock G.A.PorridgeOats called for a march on Pacific Quay, claiming that as the state broadcaster the BBC should demonstrate the same balance and objectivity as NaeTheNewsNet, with an article headlined: “[Manufactured] Anger and outrage at Jockie Burd’s fawning and obsequious pro-Union bias and subservience”.
Meanwhile, in a special emergency edition Scottish Purview editor Kenny Royalty ran a piece on the scandal of fiddled waiting lists for Satirical Accident Inquiries at the East of Cumnock Health and Wellbeing Quangocrat Board, noting the tortured syntax, misplaced commas and extraneous apostrophes in official reports, while also pointing out the parallels with when he met Jimmy Savile and Stuart Hall at a BBC Jockland shindig in 1976.
Neswnicht TheNicht’s entire edition was devoted to the retiral of a traitorous Quisling fitba manager who had spent much of his managerial career Labouring under the so-called Stockport (Greater Manchester) Syndrome. A frothing and bilious cybernat tweeted: “Britnat plot to save the creaking Union edifice. Ye’d think the grumpy auld bugger wis deid”. A Stockholm Syndrome-in-Scotland TV (SSSTV) representative defended the panegyric half-hour programme celebrating the achievements of some-fitba-manager-or-ither, quoting Bill Shankly: ‘Some people believe Alex Ferguson is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you he is much, much more important than hospital waiting list fiddles, child poverty, the bedroom tax, WMDs and the ScotchPieLand independence referendum.”
Cringing Jocksman columnist Joycie McSanctimony decried the “crass, callous and horribly horrid” nature of neo-liberal UK, but warned that the neo-liberal SNP’s billionaire cronies would still be the SNP’s billionaire cronies in an independent Scotland, with the only change from the neo-liberal UK being guaranteed free bus passes for housebound over-90-year-olds.
The artists, creatives, idealists and delusional fantasist weans at the National (Socialist) Corrective countered McSanctimony’s claim, and threw their toys oot o’ the pram in protest by temporarily closing their website in a desperate attempt to detract attention from the fact that the Real World was just carrying on regardless. Pram-chasing pro bono lawyer I’m A Chancer issued a statement on behalf of the Corrective, saying: “I’ve unsuccessfully represented hard left lost causes with only marginal relevance to mainstream politics before, so why not the Corrective as well? Joycie is talking oot o’ her bahookie as usual, and when an independent Scotland elects a republican socialist government the likes of lottery winners the mannie and wifie Weir will have their EuroGazillions good fortune expropriated and will be reduced to the same champagne-free, Scotch Pie over-consumption penury as the rest of us.” “We are National (Socialist) Corrective”, Mr Chancer concluded.
Meanwhile, yet another late-night Twitter rammy broke out when Stevie EfterNoon, leader of the nascent Nats But Nice As Pie (Scotch) movement claimed the Cybernat Hypberbole Ower Somerset website had been exposed as a joint CIA/MI5-sponsored false flag operation designed to portray independence supporters as “whinging, poisonous, ex-pat Jocks with massive chips on their shidders” and “with all the charm and finesse of a cybernat Staffie”. Mr EfterNoon said the website purported to operate from Bath, but was actually co-ordinated from the nearby GCHQ headquarters in Cheltenham. The covert operation had been personally ordered by US President Banana Orama, who was fearful of a Tommy Shagaround-led Socialist People’s Republic of ScotchPieLand following a successful Och Aye vote in the referendum.
Ultra-loyalist cybernat RevStuGuBràth slavered that the MacMessiah was simply the victim of a sophisticated smear campaign, and that in fact the Och Aye ScotchPieLand movement had been infiltrated by fifth columnists like Mr EfterNoon and Nateroo McGormless. Further, it was Mr EfterNoon and Ms McGormless who were the “traitorous and treasonous, Quisling, heretical, Stockbridge (Edinburgh) syndrome, Vichy Jock apostates” who were “too nicey-nice, syrupy and reasonable” to be true believers. In response uber-Labour tweeterer Dinnaeken Buggerall told RevStuGuBràth to “awa and play on the M73”.
Meanwhile, the Real World had gone to bed several hours earlier.
In his Cringing Jocksman column leading commentator Jerrycan Asshan warned that an SNP-dominated independent Scotland would merely “perpetuate the incumbent elites and power paradigms”, announcing that he would therefore have to withdraw from public life to facilitate change in a post-nationalist, post-independence, post-Asshan, post-pretentious-narrative-bollocks ScotchPieLand.
In his Lack Of Thinking Scotland column libertarian Brian NaeMyAinTeeth called for free fags in an independent Scotland, with compulsory smoking lessons in schools and a ban on smoke-free public places.
The Weegie Herald led with a leaked Hoose o’ Lords obsequious Unionist minion committee report claiming that SNP finance secretary Jock Swindler’s sums “dinnae add up”. It pointed out that a very highly secret Scottish Government report written on the back of a fag packet and obtained for the committee by MI5 made clear that only the pensions of Holyrood ministers would be guaranteed in an independent Scotland, with the promise extending to the supplicant drone/clapping seal MSP class only if Brent crude oil prices were maintained at $300 per barrel for the next century. Pensions for the great unwashed would depend on every Scot winning the UK National Lottery, with its Big Lottery Fund acting as an independent Scotland’s lender of last resort, and its good causes remit employed to bail oot oor collapsing economy.
Meanwhile, Britnats Thegither lodged a complaint with the Press Complaints Commission, alleging that hark-the-Herald columnist Ding Dong Bell’s coupon was turning the milk soor, and was in danger of scaring the bairns at the National (Socialist) Corrective, since the Herald ScotchPieLand website was available before they were sent to their beds efter they’d had their tea. A Yes ScotchPieLand spokes-numpty claimed that there would be “nae soor milk once the nation had U-turned on the road to serfdom and was free of her feudal overlords at Westminster”.
Craven and self-loathing (lack of) quality newspaper Jocksman on Sunday published a balanced series of articles representing both sides of the debate, and none. Labour has-been Dennis the Menace Caravan outlined how braw an independent Scotland would be, with his public sector cronies enjoying public holidays every Monday of the year, celebrating such joyous and uplifting occasions as St Andra’s Day, Rabbie Burns’ birthday, the Battle of Burnt Bannocks, Ian SmartByNameOnly’s Twitter implosion and the invention of the Scotch Pie. For Britnats Thegither, Alistair Eyebrows said that the only way to ensure Jessica Ennis, Eric Bristow (sic) and Jimmy Tarbuck (sic) on future Scotch TV was to retain the Union. Meanwhile, an article by a so-called Civic Scotland representative who no-one has ever heard of and really only represents himself claimed that the “highly sophisticated Jocko electorate” was being disenfranchised by the lack of a full-fiscal-devo-max-autonomy-lite alternative on the referendum ballot paper. Jocksman on Sunday deputy editor Kens Farq-all commented: “We’ve regurgitated this clichéd, righteous and banality-ridden cack from baith sides (and nene) for the last umpteen weeks noo, and so can probably get away with jist rehashing the same articles every Sunday until referendum day.”
Meanwhile, the JoS glossy coffee table lifestyle supplement for people who can actually afford to think aboot the posh hooses in yet another Amazonian rain forest-destroying supplement published a mock up of a Scottish saltire embellished with a Scotch Pie to illustrate an article on the history of pies in Scotland. The ensuing Twitter mêlée (puddin’) meant that Ian-Smarty-pants-pie-gate was completely forgotten about, with Bella Caledoctrination editor Kevin Nihilism condemning the desecration of the saltire, claiming that only he was allowed to hypocritically defile flags, preferably by setting fire to the Butcher’s Apron. A Bigoted Nation blogpost described the JoS’s saltire mock up as demonstrating “prejudice and xenophobia”, and claimed that at the very least it should have contained “a macaroni pie, and mibee even a doner kebab”, in order to confirm ScotchPieLand as a “welcoming, tolerant and inclusive” nation, adding: “Indeed we’re proposing ScotchPieLand be renamed simply Land, because ‘Scotch’ conveys an image of fascist, bigoted and unwelcoming intolerance towards the international community, and we don’t want to be seen to be encouraging that.” Meanwhile, Mr Nihilism called for a “social audit” to ensure pies would be sufficiently Scotch in a free-from-the-Unionist-yoke, ethnically cleansed Scots-onlyLand.
The Sunday Past published a special anti-windfarm edition, with editor Donald Martin-Trump claiming the newspaper had “largely ignored” the issue previously, and that now was the time to “promote a balanced and objective debate on the subject”.
Repeat almost ad infinitum, ad nauseum, x 70, or so.
(Editorial note: the unnecessarily long and often apparently endless sentences above are intended to reflect the Neverendum campaign.)