Tag Archives: Scottish National Party

SNP to tippex record of past four weeks

Past four weeks to be erased from the political record in preparation for neverendum in 2014.

“And then I said, this lie is as accurate an answer as anyone has ever given to parliament” joked  Tricky Dicky Salmond as he and his front bench shared a laugh at the people of Scotland’s expense.

By Ahkanny Wate

FURIOUS BIG Parish Cooncillors last night demanded Tricky Dicky Salmond stop trying to rewrite history.

Tory Tory Liz Smythington-Smythe clocked out at the Firstminster who has tried to erase the official record of ‘liar incidents’ over the past four weeks.

She accused the ‘barefaced liar’ of trying to lie after his exposure for lying over his “serial lying” in Whollyrude.

It follows recent uncovering of yet more barefaced lies over EU Pantsonfiregate, Education Cannaecountgate and Environmental Windbagjobsgate.

Ms Smythington-Smythe said: “This has to stop. It’s not the first time this month he’s tried to lie about his lies.

“There are so many lies flying around that it’s difficult to tell the pragmatic lies from the wee white lies and the wee white lies from the barefaced lies.

“It’s got so serious I can’t tell the difference between my lies, the Labour party’s lies and the Firstminster’s barefaced lies.”

Labourer’s Master Baker said: “It’s getting so bad he’ll probably apologise for the last four weeks ever having existed and then attempt to tippex out the apology.”

Fibbing lying truth mangling spokesperson for the SNP Wee Naebudy said: “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. If you don’t tell the truth you have to erase the record of everything.

“The Firstminster is only doing what any progressive inclusive ‘different’ government would do in what are exceedingly difficult circumstances.”

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Too high cabinet pension pots to be outlawed in Scotland

Private member’s bill proposed to limit height of Firstminster and Cabinet’s smash and grab pension pots

"Bought and sold for Kleptocrat gold, What a parcel of rogues in a Nation." - Longshanker. I'd be smilling too at a half million pension pot accrued over 5 years.

“Bought and sold for Kleptocrat gold, What a parcel of rogues in a Nation.” – Longshanker. I’d be smilling too at a half million pension pot accrued over 5 years.

By Klepto Cratz

A BID to outlaw greedy outsized pension pots will be brought before MSPs at Whollyrude.

SNP MSP Cardsmarked MacDonald has proposed a members’ bill which could make illegal hedging of ministerial pension pots which encroach on public spending budgets.

Whollyrude looked at the issue previously but decided to drop it when MP expenses at Westminster were routinely exposed by the Torygraph newspaper.

On this occasion backbencher Cardsmarked MacDonald has the support of the majority of the Scottish public.

Although serious insights into Scottish cabinet pension pots are rare, Cardsmarked believes that for many people it is an issue which can blight people’s political engagement.

He said: ” Over the last few Swindley budgets, it has become clear this is a problem that affects cabinet minsters on both sides of the hated border and I believe that this Bill will limit the Minsters ability to loot and plunder the country.”

Selfish individuals

Cardsmarked will launch his bill at a Financial centre in Edinborrow. He will be joined by the pressure group, Stoptherobbinbastards.

The group’s campaign manager, Ripoff MacAvarice, said it was not about being “anti-Scots.”

He stressed it was about common decency in times of austerity when people were losing their jobs due to budget cuts.

Mr MacAvarice said: “Half a million pounds sterling have been accrued in individual cabinet ministers pension pots since 2007. Selfish individuals cannot continue to behave in a way that the vast majority of our society finds unacceptable.”

Roseanna Cuntingham, minster for Bigoted Cybernattery and Community Infighting said: “We remain committed to seeing legislation put in place that will ensure Junior Minsters such as myself can get as much as those senior robbin bastas. Us Junior Minsters deserve our cut as much as any of the so called ‘seniors’.”

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“Let’s lynch them. Let’s lynch ’em all!” cries McAlpine

The Nationalist witch hunter movement in Skintland dominates Farcebook and Skitter, but this month it’s going live as hunners gaither in OOR capital city with a marching hunt for rebellious anti-Scots to crush on September 22

By Moan McVulpineSuch a parcel of traitors in the nation

LOTS OF us have no social life these days. But nothing quite beats getting together with like minded bigots and beating the hell out of those we oppose.

It’s the difference between playing boxing on the Wii and feeling your knuckles get skint and bruised when punching a real traitor’s heid.

The anti-Scot witch hunt movement in Skintland dominates Farcebook and Skitter, but this month it’s going live as a hue and cry goes up around the country to hound the “backstabbing traitors” haudin’ this progressive wee country back.

It’s bringing together all sorts of nutjobs, heidbangers and rockets.

Margo MacDonut and Sun King Alex of Salmond will share a symbolic teacake, together with thoughtcrime lawyer Peace AnWar, the Greengoes Patacake Harvie and turncoat Labouring MP and MSP Dennis Caravan. Dennis won’t be lonely: the self aggrandizing new group, Labourer Voters for Attention, are also at the witch hunt.

Like Beir Partie, Labourers founding faither, they believe the people who live in Skintland should have the right to expose, ridicule and judge all the back stabbing anti-Scots ‘enemy within’ undermining our inclusive country.

They represent the true values of the Nationalistic nutjobs, long abandoned by Civilised society.

It will be great fun hunting the anti-Scots doon and throwin’ them aff the castle’s battlements after some ritualistic humiliation.

Cut price Souter coaches for the event will leave from all over Skintland.

Call 666 or go to http://www.letskillem-letskillemall.com

COMEDY RELIEF:

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A bloody echo of Jakey Apartheid

WHISKY malts, whisky chasers, whisky minimum pricing – it’s shorthand for high-visibility court battles

By Moan McVulpinelet them drink Pinot Grigio

WHISKY IS something we associate with Scottishness, hogmanay and gettin pished.

Whisky neat, whisky mixed, whisky downed – it’s shorthand for gettin-madwi’it.

The Queen mother had a platinum hip flask fashioned for her favourite malt.

Justin Bieber can handle two shots and he’s oot the gemme.

But it’s lost it’s lustre ever since drinks giant Rajeo effectively killed the brands of Johnnie Walked and Cardwho.

As someone who remembers getting a 1/4 gill for 30p in a pub it made me yearn for Holyrude’s subsidised canteen.

But it was the news earlier last month that really made me think I had fallen asleep and missed a parliamentary question.

There was a move by the anti-Scottish BBC Radio Four Today programme to trap whisky giant Rajeo’s chief executive Palsy Welsh into saying something negative about an independent Scotland.

The history dates back to the 2009 closing down of the Johnnie Walked factory in Auld Killie toon.

Sun King Moses of Salmond led his sovereign people in a valiant rallying demonstration of sovereign people power.

And he might just have wangled a stay on the execution of the Johnnie Walked brand and it’s Kilmarnock workforce.

But, as is his wont, he overstepped the mark and started dictating terms to Rajeo through the public platform of the demo’s rallying point.

The rest is ego driven rank amateur demagogic history.

We know that corporate sharks don’t tolerate THEIR brands being politicised by amateur demagogues for the sake of public relations points.

The Killie workforce and the Johnnie Walked brand paid the price for Sun King Moses vanity message.

Here’s hoping the sovereign Scottish people don’t end up paying the price for his vanity project.

COMEDY RELIEF

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MacAesops Fables #26 – The Unionist Lion and the SNP Boar

Our twenty-sixth Sunday outpouring of sanctimony and self-righteous morality to be taken as seriously as the chance of getting a fair trial under Scotland’s new Unionist style law

“Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves”. – Eric Hoffer

On a summer day, when the great Neverendum debate induced a general thirst for power, a Unionist Lion and a SNP Boar came at the same moment to a small well to drink.

They fiercely disputed which of them should drink first, and were soon engaged in the agonies of a mortal combat.

On their stopping on a sudden to take breath for the fiercer renewal of the strife, they saw some Vultures waiting in the distance to feast on the one which should fall first.

They at once made up their quarrel, saying: “It is better for us to make friends, than to become the food of Crows or Vultures, as will certainly happen if we are disabled.”

Analysis: The moral of the tale is simply: Those who strive are often watched by others who will take advantage of their defeat to benefit themselves. Think Murdoch, think China, think corporatism, think again.

For more morally superior and vacuous posturing click on the Fable category to the right.

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SNP’s decision to scrap lip service to human rights has been vindicated

Scotland will reap the benefits of our lowered morality system which the SNP is determined to expand.

By Moan McVulpineadding a new dimension to looking like a pro

They said it couldn’t be done.

But the SNP’s determination to scrap basic morality in the face of human rights abusers was well and truly vindicated this week.

There’s been a thirty per cent rise in Scottish businesses securing contracts with Chinese genocide companies.

By contrast, trade deals between Norway and China fell to a staggering zero due to Norway’s snooty attitude toward Nobel peace prizes and political dissidents.

One of the first major contracts awarded by the SNP government this year was worth £800 million to the Chinese – in return we got two cuddly infertile pandas.

In England, the anti-Scottish Tories had a richt guid laugh at our faux sanctimony over placing contracts with human rights abusers. Dae they no remember whit happened at Berwick in the 14th century?

Labour steeled themsel’s for a barnie, but wee Lament hudnae grasped some basic principles and Sun King Alex smacked her doon as easy as shootin’ sumbody fae the Sudan.

Scottish students contribute to the more than 80 per cent of anti-Scots Scots who find the SNP’s cosying up to Chinese genociders, abhorrent.

It’s not cheap. It might cost us votes. But it’s a price worth paying.

There’s more Chinese blood contracts to be won.

It will help us build up a multi-million pound blood fund for our future.

Scotland topped the UK league for Chinese investments in 2011, steel, pandas, salmon, petrochemicals, oil production with almost 6000 blood jobs created – over 5999 more than any other British region.

Our politicians are third in the world when it comes to public apologism regarding the Chinese.

We have a reputation to keep up. Souter, Trump, Murdoch, Football Thoughtcrime, Freedom of Information refusal and Chinese genocide embracement – no wonder we’ve rightly been called the Party of One Principle.

COMEDY RELIEF

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Just Say Yes (please) to Genocide

Why did Sun King Alex of Salmond cross the Chinese road? To get to the genocide.

“Governments are mandated by international law to protect people from genocide.” – Bianca Jagger. Maybe Scotland should hold a referendum for Independence within Genocide.

By Itsanin Justice

THE SCOTTISH Government has been applauded by two Chinese petro-companies for their stance on the value and sanctity of human life.

PetrocideChina and Cyanidopec, have both lauded Sun King Alex of Salmond for his tough bargaining stance on the body count per pound sterling appeasement scale.

Both firms are well known for the ‘turning’ of governmental blind eyes to their sponsored genocides in countries such as Sudan.

According to Ilike Ciling, Chief Executive of PetrocideChina, Sun King Alex’s £900 million Scottish deal is the most the Chinese company has ever had to pay to its dead body appeasement fund.

He said: “300,000 dead in Darfury works out at £3000 per individual killed. In India for example it costs us pennies.”

Keepmum Thisafar, bleeding heart director of Genocide International Scotland said: “While the sanctity of life is important to Scotland, this should not be at the expense of excellent economic boosts such as this one.

“Sun King Alex of Salmond deserves all the plaudits due him for his astute bargaining skills. £3000 per body really is an economic price worth paying.”

Both firms control much of the wholesale and retail blood flow in China.

Patacake Harvie, Greengo MSP for Glasgone, said: “The Scottish government is right to embrace these companies.

“We can’t afford to be as morally superior as Norway and their oil fund. A blood fund might not be to everyone’s tastes, but they’ll be the poorer for it.”

Just Say Yes (please) poster #8 – Selective Friendships?

Just Say Yes (please) poster #7 – Chinese Whispers

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