Tag Archives: European Union

Salmond, Marr and the Charge of the Indy Light Brigade

Who is going to take the blame for the Firstminster’s poor recent showing on the Marr show? The BBC by the looks of it. AhDinnaeKen investigates:

Salmond Charge of Indy Light Brigade

“Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die.” – The White Paper. P.1650, Oliver Cromwell Salmond.

By Lord Hustae Blame-Sumbdy

ANOTHER DAY and yet another sign that the Nationalists are losing the war of independence.

Lord Cardigan Salmond declared Lord Marr of Mediabias to be a cad and an instrument of ‘opinion’ in the destruction of the Indy Light Brigade’s charge for European Union.

Maintaining the delusion that his charge offensive – directed at the guns of the Currency and European Union brigade – should have been effective, Lord Salmond accused Lord Marr of Mediabias of hindering his ad hoc plan.

There will be “consequences” said Ensign Wishart of No-Consequence.

And there were.

The BBC published the story in full and said “Lord Cardigan Salmond, do your worst. Even with Master Bateman of Bitterness on your side, you’ll not intimidate us. Put up or shut up. Don’t you know a man with a grievance is a bore?”

There now follows the complete undabridged pathetically plagiarised poetic statement by Lord Tennyson Marr on Lord Cardigan Salmond’s folly and the magnificently futile Charge of the Indy Light Brigade:

1.

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the thirty three per cent.
“Forward, the Indy Light Brigade!
“Charge for the biased media!” he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the thirty three per cent.

2.

“Forward, the Indy Light Brigade!”
Who to a man were dismay’d!
Not tho’ the Cybernats knew
Someone had blunder’d:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to blame the media and die:
Into the valley of Referendum Death
Rode the thirty three per cent

3.

Tories to the right of them,
Labour to the left of them,
Media Sceptics in front of them,
Bluffed and blustered,
Storm’d at with Realpolitik shot and shell,
Boldly they rode not so well
Into the jaws of Referendum Death
Into the mouth of political Hell
Rode the thirty three per cent

4.

Flash’d all their assertions bare
Flash’d as they turn’d in air,
Sabring the media there,
Charging an army, while
All of Europe wonder’d:
Plunged in the media bias-smoke
Right thro’ the swine, thought they broke
Journalist and Presenter
Laughed at the sabre rattling stroke
Shattered and sunder’d
Then they rode back, but not
Not the thirty three per cent

5.

Tories to the right of them,
Labour to the left of them,
Media Sceptics in front of them,
Bluffed and blustered,
Storm’d at with Realpolitik shot and shell,
Boldly they rode not so well
Came thro’ the jaws of Referendum Death
Back from the mouth of political Hell
All that was left of their career
Left of the thirty three per cent

6.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All of Europe wondered.
Laughed at the charges they made,
Scoffed at the Indy Light Brigade,
The ineffectual thirty three per cent.

Shamelessly plagiarised from Poems of Alfred Tennyson,
J.E. Tilton and Company, Boston, 1870

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Indy traffic light system to be rolled out

Poll after poll of Skintish public opinion consistently shows that there is an urgent need for more clarity in the arguments provided by both sides of the debate – particularly the Nationalist side, as the onus is on them to do the real convincing. AhDinnaeKen takes a look at the new proposed traffic light system for the increasingly confusing ‘big turnoff’ currently being mooted as debate in Skintland.

The SNPs recent assertions on pensions, payments and shared administration was put to the traffic light test recently. This was the result.

The SNP assertions on pensions, payments and shared administration was put to the traffic light test recently. This was the result from a 100kg weighting.

By Troofis Ootthere

A NEW consistent system of political front-of-speech assertion labelling is to be introduced in Skintland, the Electoral Commission says.

A combination of colour coding and assertion information will be used to show how much barefaced lies, horseshit, fantasy and credibility are in each assertion spouted by pro-Independence politicians.

The announcement comes after 300 years of debate about the issue and has been welcomed by electoral groups.

Jock McAverage of the Bored Shitless with Indy Campaign said: “A quality campaign involves substance, not just the stereotypical Barnum statement pro-Scotland soundbites we have heard so far, but where is the all important detail?

“The first casualty of any political campaign is the truth, so we welcome this traffic light system to help the 16/17 year old weans trying to make sense of the increasingly laughable pish spouted by both sides – particularly the SNP.

“The system is easy to understand and should help everyone, particularly the weans, to come to a satisfactory conclusion about how amateur the whole debate has been so far.”

Jock McAverage, 301, is a snivelling cowardly pro-Union Tory quisling BritNat traitor turncoat who has been bought and sold for English basturt gold.

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Filed under Opinion, Referendum

SNP fail to organise piss up in brewery

Everyone in the world and the universe but the SNP are proven wrong as Little Miss Leader Sturgeon says you don’t need alcohol for a piss up in a brewery. Cybernats hail victory over everyone else’s fanatical Unionist bias.

Anti-Scots SNP opponents gently pointed out that those big silver things in the foreground could help with the organising of a piss up in a European brewery.

Anti-Scots SNP opponents gently pointed out that those big silver things in the foreground could help with the organising of a piss up in a European brewery.

By Hauf Jaked

DEPUTY MISS Leader Sturgeon has proven the ‘outstanding’ competence of the SNP by telling everyone alcohol is not a requirement for a piss up in a brewery.

Speaking at the Whollyrude Fantasy Factory she also pointed out that Euro Quangocrat Jose Barettea “wiz wrang” and castigated him for his letter stating that “you need whores for an orgy in a brothel.”

She said: “The SNP have organised orgies in brothels without the need for whores or prostitutes – though admittedly – like today we made a hoor o’ a mess o’ that an’ aw.”

Deputy Miss Leader’s allies reinforced her competence stating that the Declaration of Contempt 2012 proved that you didn’t need “two tickets for a two ticket raffle”.

They cited Tricky Dicky Salmond’s expert Neverendum negotiations where he failed to get Pepsi-Max onto the ballot paper ensuring an end to his career in 2014.

Miss Leader’s allies said: “Bullingdon Dave categorically stated at the Tory conference in March that Salmo wiznae gettin’ another question on the referendum and he wiz proved right.

“Another victory for the negotiation skills of the SNP.”

Wading into the stushie, Parliamentary Sex Aide Moan McVulpine accused anti-Scots fffrreeedddooommm™ disbelievers of treason against the “SNP competency revolution”.

Referring to Mike Bernhard Rust-ell’s innumerate college budget figures she said: “We can run a bath, it’s running an education department that’s the tricky bit.

“This scenario proved that the SNP cannae run a bath, let alone a secret tape recorder.”

Commentators have agreed that this hasn’t been the SNP’s finest hour but fully expect the party to show they can manage their way out of a wet paper bag sometime in the new year.

No one is holding their breath.

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Filed under CyberNats, Media, Newspeak

Microwaves to boost shelf life of SNP assertions

Scottish innovation and creativity set to assist Nationalists with their current substanceless assertion credibility gap.

Just pop your "exact answer" or substanceless assertion in for a couple of minutes and hey presto it's shelf life is increased 100 fold. Ptiy it won't last for two years.

Just pop your “exact answer” or substanceless assertion into the microwave for a couple of minutes and hey presto it’s shelf life is increased 100 fold. Pity it won’t last for two years.

By Naekred Ability

A NEW way of extending the shelf life of SNP assertions has been developed by Edinborrow scientists using microwave technology.

Researchers from Queen Anne University claimed that assertions such as those witnessed in John Swindley’s recent Lords committee appearance could be “sustained for more than a single second.”

The process has already allowed some SNP politicians to increase production of substanceless assertions.

The microwaves pasteurise the assertions by killing scepticism and scrutiny in the target audience allowing the lack of substance to last longer.

The  project was developed by Queen Anne University researchers in dodgyethics and substanceless assertion sciences along with cynical PR firm’s Advanced Bullshit Technologies Ltd (ABT).

It has been trialled on the Scottish public through media channels such as Newsnicht Skintland and Skintland Thenicht.

Exciting Deceptions

ABT’s Kevin Pringleheid said: “Our political business was fairly limited until we spotted the major flaw in SNP assertions.

“The majority of the SNP’s assertions lack substance or credibility and usually both. This technology, while not able to add substance or credibilty, will increase the shelf life of the assertions.

“It might not help the SNP over the European question – that credibility has disappeared – but it could assist with a nuclear free Scotland under the NATO umbrella and a seat at the Bank of England as equal partners in the sterling zone.”

Youan Crawford, bullshit development manager at Queen Anne University, said: “This has been an illuminating collaboration with ABT.

“Following successful results from their parliamentary trials, politicians are now accepting that the ABT machine could be a game-changing piece of technology with politicians transforming their substanceless assertions and reaping the rewards.”

Cynics such as Tory Labour MSP Jaquie Motteandbailey said: “It’s true that this technology helped extend the Firstminster’s substanceless assertion that he had given parliament ‘as exact an answer as anyone has ever given to parliament’.

“But he still had to come back hours later because what shouldn’t have sustained for a single second was still ultimately found out for its lack of substance.”

SNP minsters pants have been spontaneously catching fire since they began using the ABT technology in May 2011.

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Exclusive: Euro Nationalists – Thick, Delusional or Liars?

AhDinnaeKen asks some embarrassing question regarding our fellow politically impassioned Scots. Are Nationalists thick, delusional, liars or all three? We* put all three queries to the test.

"Assertion without substance is the beginning of delusion" - Longshanker.  A toast to the fantastic Nationalists.

“Assertion without substance is the beginning of delusion” – Longshanker. A toast to the fantastic Nationalists.

By Euro Eejits

FIRST THERE wiz a letter and then there wisnae a letter and then there wiz and it wisnae tae the liking of the SNP’s European candy floss machine.

Tae the Unionists it wiz funny, tae the Nationalists it wiznae.

But whit it proved wiz that the biased oppressive propagandists of the mainstream media at the Hootsman HAD SCOOPED AN EXCLUSIVE based on substantial TRUTH!!!

That’s richt! Michty me! Splice the mainbrace and batten doon the hatches. The Hootsman TELT THE TRUTH ABOOT THE CONTENTS OF THAT NON-LETTER.

European UNIONIST, Jose Beretta, let rip with his anti-nationalist propaganda barrels and telt the Nationalists they would huv tae pit the mendicant caps on and come begging to the Spanish if they wanted into the European UNION.

So, here are some example Nationalist statements concerning the Hootsman piece:

Tricky Dicky Salmond – Ducker, diver, barefaced liar and occasional Firstminster

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.”  ― J.M. Barrie. Welcome to the new Nationalist manifesto.

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” ― J.M. Barrie. Welcome to the Euro Nationalist manifesto.

“It is of interest to the people of Scotland now to find out where that came from. Was the newspaper duped by anti-independence people in the house of Lords Committee or the United Kingdom government. Was the commission at fault? But we know that that story is not correct. I think it is of interest to the people of Scotland because this might be an example by which we judge all the other scaremongering that will come over the next two years or so.”

Verdict: Thick – Naw tae mibbes. Delusional – Mibbes. Liar – Just say Yes

Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon: Blame patsy and pantsonfire fighter

"Few would venture to deny the advantages of prohibitive temperance in increasing the efficiency of a nation at war with itself." - Joyless Scunner Sturgeon.

THAT NEWSPAPER PIECE WAS A FABRICATION!

“Serious questions now need to be asked as to where these claims came from and what role members of the House of Lords Committee and the UK political parties played in this fabricated story.”

Verdict: Thick – Mibbes. Delusional – Mibbes. Liar – Just say Yes

John Swindley: Backstabbing right hand bead counter

Trouble! I see no trouble ahead.

Trouble! I see no trouble ahead.

“When Scotland votes in the referendum in 2014, and assuming there is a yes vote as a result of that referendum, Scotland will still be at that stage a part of the UK, and what we have always accepted is there has to be a negotiation about the details and the terms of Scotland’s membership of the EU.

“But crucially that would be taking place at a time when we are still part of the UK, and still part of the EU of which we have been members for 40 years.”

Verdict: Thick – Mibbes. Delusional – Aye. Liar – Och Aye the Noo!

NewsNat Scotland: Guardians of the Nationalist cause. Paladins of sanctimony and self-righteousness

"In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act." - George Orwell.  So no revolution over at Newsnat then. Ho hum.

“In a time of universal deceit – telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” – George Orwell. So no revolution over at Newsnat then. Ho hum.

“Exclusive: Scotsman EU membership story “incorrect” says EC.” – Newsnat Headline

“If, as is being claimed by the EC, that no reply to the House of Lords has been decided and no official letter has been sent, then questions will be asked as to the motivation of many reporters and journalists who have been eager to promote this story.

“If, on the other hand the EC have indeed sent communications expressing such views then there will be questions as to why denials have been issued.”

Verdict: Thick – Och Aye the Noo. Delusional: Och Aye the Noo. Liar – Naw – too thick and delusional.

AhDinnaeKen would like to point out to Newsnat that many scoops are often based on ‘unofficial’ and ‘incomplete’ information from a highly placed  source; stolen or photographed documents, attendees at secret meetings for example. This was clearly exhibited by the Hootsman story.

The Hootsman’s scoop was a prima facie case of a real exclusive. The EC “Spokesman” response was the only response an official would or could give to ‘leaked’ information. Basic journalism. Doh!

AhDinnaeKen’s advice. Go back to remedial class and keep bleating.

As for the rest of ‘us’ non-converted. Ho hum. A prima facie case of just how little credibility or substance the Nationalists false assertions really have.

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Poll: 72 per cent of Europeans want rid of Scotland

An overwhelming majority of European citizens believe that 40 years of Scottish rights as European citizens is 40 years too long.

"In a separation it is the one who is not really in love who says the more tender things." - Marcel Proust.  Here's to sweet nothings from UK plc

“In a separation it is the one who is not really in love who says the more tender things.” – Marcel Proust. Here’s to sweet nothings from rUK plc

By Getty Phuckthenoo

A SURVEY by Oopsus MORON of European citizens found 72 per cent thought separation from Scotland would be beneficial for the EU.

More than half (56 per cent) said they were fed up of Firstminster Salmond’s coopon on their telly and the constant whining moaning drone about Westmeenster.

A quarter said two years to hold a referendum was “reeping the peesh”.

Three out of four ordinary people in the European street have little or no interest in what the SNP think as it makes no difference to them anyway – just like ordinary Scottish people.

The survey of 250,000 leading citizens is another blow to Salmond’s cybernat battalions who are more than willing to deny reality in the name of existentialism and utilitarianism.

It also provided the clearest indication yet about the true opinion of European citizenry who don’t give an existential or utilitarian fig whether Scotland is in, out or shakes it all about.

Rupert Scones, chief executive of Getootnoo, recently told a made up committee that many stay silent because they just don’t see the relevance of Scottish independence.

He said: “Would you vote for a blank cheque when it is a known known that it will be a known unknown about how much is known about the unknown knowns.

“Or would you vote for a blank cheque because a tedious Norman feudal king wrote the earliest recorded political spin piece which achieved nothing anyway?”

The survey was conducted between 1320 and 2012, with the results weighted by country size to ensure they were representative of the European Unionists.

John Swindley, the SNP Finance Backstabber, said nothing that could be believed or taken seriously.

A spokesperson for the pro-UK Oppressors Together campaign said: “This poll should surprise no one, not even the separatists.

“How can the potential destroyers of civilisation as we know it expect automatic entry into Europe when half of Europe doesn’t even know or care where Scotland is.”

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Unionist mainstream media lies exposed – Newsnat

Intrepid and fearless defenders of the Nationalist cause condemn insular and incestuous relationship of mainstream media with despicable Unionists. Anonymous source puts everyone straight aboot Newsnat.

"In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act." - George Orwell.  So no revolution over at Newsnat then. Ho hum.

“In a time of universal deceit – telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” – George Orwell. So no revolution over at Newsnat then. Ho hum.

By Kiddeon Thenoo

IT STARTED with a “made up letter” over European law and it provoked a “made up source” from the intrepid defenders of the Nationalist Truth and Counter Accusation Committee – Newsnat.

The Hootsman, yesterday, published biased and selective quotes from a letter – WHICH DIDN’T EVEN EXIST – claiming that Scotland wouldnae get invited to the EU pairty straight away should it win separation in 2014.

According to the Hootsman the letter said: “we don’t want your types at oor pairty, the Spanish don’t like ye’s or your ginger pubes.”

This was widely interpreted as a snub to Tricky Dicky Salmond and his band of self righteous ginger pubed freedom fighters who wish to remain in the Union.

Defenders of the faith, Newsnat, despatched their chief Paladin reporter G. A. Ponseybody to deal with the accusation in his clunkiest and most sanctimonious prose possible.

Mr Ponseybody did not disappoint. He quoted, with the full authority of Newsnat, a fabricated and authoritative European spokesperson referred to as “spokesman”.

This insider ‘spokesman’ is reputed to have repudiated the repercussions of the repetition of Scotland’s repleted repatriation.

Spokesman allegedly said: “They think we’re verminy in Germany, we drive them insane in Spain, they’ll make us dance in France, and it’ll end up shittily in Italy.”

Media insiders said that this is a sign of desparation in the Unionist/Nationalist camp:

“This ‘letter’ could have made the mainstream media look ridiculous.” said a made up insider: “Thankfully Newsnat came to the rescue and stole the ridiculous award for themselves.”

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