Tag Archives: Diageo

Diageo’s Water of life: The Wee SNP empire strikes back

Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon added the finishing touches to the Water Resources (Scotland) Bill last week. AhDinnaeKen’s wee neddy bawbag correspondent has a rethink on SNP political manoeuvre.

 Water Abstraction

By Buckfast Commando

HAW MAN! Ye ken ah’m the furst tae stick the bit in when it comes tae they freeloadin’ snake oil hucksters at the plasticine parliament man.

But this week, surprisingly, especially tae me, ah’ll tak mah hat aff tae Auld Nick Sturgeon and Piggy Eyed Patsy Alex Kneel.

They’ve finally fun’ a way tae stick wan ower Dirageo and thur young team.

And the bully boy Scottish heritage stealers don’t like it at aw. No wan bit man.

Haw Haw!

Ah hope this bill brings in some money fur Skintland and persuades the SNP tae drap thur stupit Jakey Apartheid Tax – it’s gawin naewhur but the coort onyway man.

Onyhoo! In case ye’re wunnerin whit ah’m gaun oan aboot: the Water Resources (Scotland) Bill got passed last week.

It’s anither instance of SNP centralisation of power over Scottish resources, which is to be expected from Tartan Tory types.

But, the interestin’ pairt is covered by Section 2.

Dirageo wurnae consulted at aw oan this pairt o’ the bill – despite it being of crucial importance tae thur industry and production process.

Keen readers of AhDinnaeKen may have spotted that regular correspondent Moan McVulpine picked up on this in January.

Joan McAlpine, the Anti-Scotsfinder General, signalled to Dirageo in the Daily Ranger that they should drap thur coort case against the SNP government or they could expect a water tax.

Interestin’ times indeed man!

Expect to see sum jiggery pokery shenanigans gaun oan ower the next few weeks and months.

Haw Haw! See’s ye doon the park man – ah’ve goat an exotic cocktail of Calico Jack, Frosty Jack and Buckfast to try oot – Minimum Price free ya dancer.

So, as ah like to say tae mah pals – get mad wi’ it ya c***s.

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I’ll drink to get pished in Scotland

As Dirageo drags SNP Minimum Pricing Bill through the court of economic law and public opinion, Daily Ranger fifth columnist sends veiled tax warning to cease and desist.

Moan McVulpine - delivering collateral damage every time she speaks

By Moan McVulpine Scotchland’s other hangover from yesteryear

IF YOU  missed it last week, try to catch the Scotched Earth documentary on iPlayer.

The BBC Scotchland programme mostly skirted the lack of real economic benefit of whisky to the country due to corporate tax evasiveness.

The term is not just pejorative – it’s accurate. Scotch Whisky is incredibly lucrative for Dirageo – the chief SNP bitch slappers and whisky producers in the country.

It’s pretty much an empty coat claim that Whisky revenue would contribute a fair return into an Indy Scotland’s tax coffers.

Dirageo, in keeping with many corporations, have their tangible assets and distribution networks registered in Europe as offshore holdings.

Johnnie Walked, their most famous Whisky brand, hasn’t been Scottish since 2000 – it’s Dutch, due to a clandestine tax switcheroo known as “outward domestication”.

Not one iota of protest came from so called 90 second Nationalist patriot types when that happened.

How’s that for silence over the selling off of your country’s heritage, history and provenance?

Nor for that matter does/did the SNP jump on Dirageo for their supermarket style dealings with Scottish farmers – holding them to ransom over “fair” prices for their malt, grain and barley.

No, that thankless task was left to a list Lib-Dem MSP because, y’know, he actually cared about his country’s economic welfare rather than his more myopically supine SNP contemporaries.

But ho hum. That’s the progressive SNP for you, they probably didn’t want to rock Dirageo’s corporate lobbyist boat because, at heart, they’re big fearties.

The value of Scotch exports jumped 20 per cent last year to a not  unconsiderable £4.2 billion.

Scotched Earth did not mention the Amazon style Euro based tax jiggery pokery which means Scotland (or the UK) reaps virtually hee haw from the exploitation of its resources.

Some partisan columnists in the Daily Ranger think they can score kudos points with Dirageo by signalling that the SNP won’t consider taxing the water supply to the “water of life”.

Meanwhile, Dirageo is yet again giving the SNP a lesson in political economics with the Minimum Price Alcohol bill being dragged through the courts like a cheap unfit for purpose bottle of hooch.

If the sovereign people of Scotland’s government keeps it up, they might find themselves looking like embarrassing drunks at the opening of a christian temperance meeting.

I’ll drink to that.

COMEDY RELIEF

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A michty Jakey Apartheid hangover for the SNP

Nasty amoral Eurocrats leave piggy eyed patsy Alex Kneel to clean up the vomit of High Priestess Sturgeon’s minimum pricing vanity project

“Where men build on false grounds, the more they build, the greater the ruin” – Hobbes. So that’s the minimum alcohol pricing dealt with then.

By Buckfast Commando

AH CANNAE help mah sel. Ye shouldnae really laff at they SNP hauf wits, but Haw Haw! Whit did ah tell ye’s back in the day?

Luks like the Buckfast Commando community and their indigenous gettin mad wi’ it culture – onytime, ony place, ony where – is safe fur a while.

An’ it’s aw doon tae they freeloadin’ Euroc**t eejits in Brussels.

Haw haw! Ye’ve goat tae feel sorry for auld piggy eyed patsy Alex Kneel though.

He goat it passed it oan tae him fae the Fat Controller an’ he hud tae pit a braveheart smile oan his face n’ aw.

It seems it’s no jist oor Westminster oppressors and the anti-Scots element that cannae take the SNP seriously.

Spain, Italy, Portugal, and Bulgaria huv aw chipped in and shopped the ‘Scottish region’ tae the Euroc**ts.

They’ve telt them that the Scots huv had their laff, but they want tae grow up a bit and obey the law – Article 34 of the EU Treaty Law.

Y’ken, big boys law, no kiddy oan pretendy Whollyrude Parish Cooncil law. Haw haw!

An’ tae make things wurse, wan ah they ‘ooh la la’ fancy burdz fae abroad – ootside Glesca at least – said the legal challenge is oan the UK because: “the respondents are the UK, not Skintland, because Skintland is a region.”

Ah nearly fell aff mah sate man. SKINTLAND IS A REGION, she sayed. That’s how they Eurobams luk et us – a REGION.

Sum folk might be insulted by that, me – ah nearly pished mahsel. Mind ye, when it comes doon tae it, she can get it right up her wi’ that kinda talk.

Onyhoo. Whit it biles doon tae is this. The Euroc**ts take on board the objections o’ the ither countries, they pay lip service to the Skintland region, an’ then they tell them to get thur pishy wee prohibition legislation tae f**k.

An’ pilin’ in like a juggernugget is the SWA’s Diageo division who ur takin’ the SNP government tae the big Coort on October 23rd.

Aw in, it’s lukkin like curtains fur that ‘progressive’ pish they keep dronin’ oan aboot.

Me, ah’m away tae Lidl tae get sum o’ that extra strength cider that luks like Frosty Jack. An’ then ah’m gonnae get mad wi’ it doon the park wi mah pals.

See ye’s later. Haw Haw!

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A bloody echo of Jakey Apartheid

WHISKY malts, whisky chasers, whisky minimum pricing – it’s shorthand for high-visibility court battles

By Moan McVulpinelet them drink Pinot Grigio

WHISKY IS something we associate with Scottishness, hogmanay and gettin pished.

Whisky neat, whisky mixed, whisky downed – it’s shorthand for gettin-madwi’it.

The Queen mother had a platinum hip flask fashioned for her favourite malt.

Justin Bieber can handle two shots and he’s oot the gemme.

But it’s lost it’s lustre ever since drinks giant Rajeo effectively killed the brands of Johnnie Walked and Cardwho.

As someone who remembers getting a 1/4 gill for 30p in a pub it made me yearn for Holyrude’s subsidised canteen.

But it was the news earlier last month that really made me think I had fallen asleep and missed a parliamentary question.

There was a move by the anti-Scottish BBC Radio Four Today programme to trap whisky giant Rajeo’s chief executive Palsy Welsh into saying something negative about an independent Scotland.

The history dates back to the 2009 closing down of the Johnnie Walked factory in Auld Killie toon.

Sun King Moses of Salmond led his sovereign people in a valiant rallying demonstration of sovereign people power.

And he might just have wangled a stay on the execution of the Johnnie Walked brand and it’s Kilmarnock workforce.

But, as is his wont, he overstepped the mark and started dictating terms to Rajeo through the public platform of the demo’s rallying point.

The rest is ego driven rank amateur demagogic history.

We know that corporate sharks don’t tolerate THEIR brands being politicised by amateur demagogues for the sake of public relations points.

The Killie workforce and the Johnnie Walked brand paid the price for Sun King Moses vanity message.

Here’s hoping the sovereign Scottish people don’t end up paying the price for his vanity project.

COMEDY RELIEF

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Drinks giant on Independence – We widnae even notice

Independence vanity project makes no difference to us, insists Salmond’s nemesis arsekicker Palsy Welsh

“He wants he says, a business with soul, well Mr Walsh can kiss ma hole”. – Rab Wilson, Kay Park, 2009, death of Johnnie Walker march.

By Johnnie Walked

ANTELOPE KILLING, wife beating, tax evading, brand desecrating, customer duping, corporate bully and Firstminster bitch slapper, Palsy Welsh says Wee Eck’s vanity project wont even register on drinks giant Rajeo’s business radar.

Palsy Welsh, the company’s chief kleptocrat said minnows like Salmond and his kiddy on independence powers would not make one jot of difference to Rajeo’s global tax evading strategy.

Rajeo is investing £1 billion to further straitjacket any semblance of competition in the Scotch whisky industry over the next five years.

Welsh is confident of fooling Nationalist types that this is a good thing for Scotland rather than a tightening of Rajeo’s corporate monopolistic hegemony.

Poodle Sun King Salmond will play along because he learned his lesson
from the embarrassingly public bitch slapping he received from Welsh in 2009 – the last occasion in which Salmond dared act the big man with Welsh.

Brand Integrity Wreckers

Rajeo, which is behind the wrecking of 200 year old Johnnie Walked’s brand integrity and heritage, also systematically wrecks the integrity of other malt Scotch whisky brands such as Cardwho.

Mr Welsh’s comments came as Rajeo announced a 13% rise in full year on year tax avoidance and evasion which he said was helped by stashing money all over the place like Asia, Africa and Latin America.

Net profiteering for the year ending 30 June stood at £1.94 billion up from £1.9 billion a year earlier.

When asked on Radio Bore’s Today programme whether Scottish independence, if it happened, would make a difference to the company’s investment decisions, Mr Welsh responded: “No difference at all. It’s more of the same.”

He said: “Salmond has been around for what feels like hundreds of years, he blows hot and cold like a Joan McCarthyalpine on heat. We don’t need to take any notice of fairweather patsies like him.

“Our decision to invest is based on grown up economics that pretendy independence will not affect.

“We have a very good relationship with Holyrude – they know not to mess or we’ll carve them up like last time in 2009.”

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Sturgeon’s Jakey apartheid tax set tae get chibbed by the SWA Young team

As predicted by AhDinnaeKen’s Ned correspondent Buckfast Commando in May, Diageo’s SWA young team is set to gie prohibition Sturgeon the public doin’ she deserves

Jakey apartheid makes you want to cry into your Buckie and denies you the Buckie to cry into.

By Buckfast Commando

AH PREDICTED a riot back in May when clip moothed tee-totaller Auld Nick Sturgeon sayed she wis gonnae slap a jakey apartheid tax on chape voddy and the like man.

And ah’m gled to say, ah was right.

Pure mental man. She is gaun doon. Diageo’s SWA young team don’t f****n’ mess when they’re challenged tae a square go.

They’ve got baws the size o’ fitba’s man and they’re feart oh nae c**t – especially no a humour bypass holy joe like Sturgeon and her mingin’ SNP team o’ naebudy’s.

She is gonnae get the auld Glesca kiss followed by the metro-fourical malky – and we’re aw gonnae huv a ringside seat oan the telly.

Me. Ah cannae wait

Fur sterters, the SWA’s gonnae huv her up in front oh some big wigged law basher at the Heid Coort in Heidinborrow fur a session. Haw haw. She might be able to caw in some favours fae her heidbanger pal MacNaeskill, but ah doubt it man – he’s normally mare pished than Eric Joyce.

They haufwit Labourers at the Big Bloodyrude Cooncil telt them no tae dae it like this, but they didnae listen – too smert fur their ain guid.

An then there’s the Big Cooncil in Europe man. They don’t gie two flying f**ks aboot onythin ither than spondoolie rules and legal rules man.

The SWA Young Team ken that if this fight goes there it wull get held up for ever – probably longer than the Neverendum man.

Sturgeon is oot o’ her depth oan this and she knows it – but she’s too faur in tae back oot.

Fat Boab the Sun King isnae sayin’ much ower this either.

He got a bitch slapping when he tried to play the big man back in 2009 at Johnnie Walker in mingin Kilmarnock.

He tried to tell the Diageo young team whit they could and whit they couldnae dae with their merchandise – their merchandise mind – no his.

The Big Man – the Bone Collector, the Heid Honcho – Paul Walsh shin pit Fat Boab in his place man. Gied im a richt doin oan the telly so he did.

It wid huv been funny if it hundae meant aw they folk losin their joabs.

Mah uncle worked oan wan ah they lines and he had a guid scam gaun where me an him selt chape whisky roon the Coatbridge pubs man.

Nae mare – thanks to Fat Boab and his bloated ego. F****r!

Onyways, it luks like Auld Nick Sturgeon’s vanity project isnae gonnae see the light o’ day.

Jist as weel. Ah’ve been developing a taste for a mix o’ Frosty Jack’s, chape voddy and Red Rooster fae the poun shoap.

See ye’s later efter the first sesh at the Heid Coort in Heidinborrow.

Jakey Apartheid Tax 

Buckfast Commando’s Top Ten Tips 

Minimum Price Alcohol Challenge

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