Tag Archives: Devo Max

Labour’s Devo-Max or Devo-Tax explained in four words

THEY’RE not called the Labouring party for nothing. In fact they’re not called the Labouring party at all. It’s just that they act as if they’re Labouring. Labour’s Johann Lamont has missed a couple of open goals at Firstminster’s questions recently. And now she and her party appear to have scored an own goal with their Devo-Something proposals. AhDinnaeKen provides some insightful analysis in four words:

"When you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment." - Ryan Reynolds. Just as well we expected nothing from the indy debate and were repaid in groats.

“When you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.” – Ryan Reynolds. Just as well we expected nothing from Labour and weren’t disappointed.

By Devolution expert: Izthat Itt

Labour – must try harder.

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Exclusive: Salmond launches new Nationalist slogan

Support for Independence has dropped drastically since Sun King anti-Midas Salmond came to power in 2007. Nobody surprised as Dim Sillars suffers subdural haematoma.

"Have you ever gotten the feeling that you aren't completely embarassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow's embarrassment?" - Tom Cruise. There's no denying 2014's gonnae be awfy embarrassing for some people.

“Have you ever gotten the feeling that you aren’t completely embarassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow’s embarrassment?” – Tom Cruise. There’s no denying 2014’s gonnae be awfy embarrassing for some people whose name ends in Salmond.

By Aunty Midas Tutch

GRADUALIST AND arch devolutionist Anti-Midas Touch Salmond has delivered yet again for his chosen devolved sovereign  people.

The grand strategist and architect of  ‘Devo-Max by stealth’ feels vindicated by the latest Scottish Social Attitudes Survey .

The survey found that since Salmond became Firstminster in 2007 interest in Independence has flopped.

Survey pollster, Professor John Poultice of Scratchcard University, concluded that the survey reinforced the Firstminsters previous Devo-Max credentials.

He said: “This is the most accurate poll ever polled in this country. It vindicates Salmond’s earlier attempt to place Devo-Max onto the referendum paper.”

Fundamentalists, existentialists, Braveheart Commandos, Polarised Militants, Nationalist Apologists and Ultimate Cybernats were all witnessed en masse sticking their fingers in their ears while simultaneously shouting “Edinborrow Agreement, Edinborrow Agreement.”.

Buoyed by the results of the poll, Firstminster Salmond said that he would use it as a platform to launch his latest filibuster slogan.

Following in the wake of blockbusters such as “Scotland free by 93”, “Turn the tide for Scotland” and “Independence within Europe”, the new slogan has been hailed as a careful and clever amalgam of previous no impact slogans.

Chosen to coincide with the results of the survey and carefully crafted by Salmond’s inner Star Chamber of sinister media ‘agents’, the slogan is expected to cover all eventualities post 2014’s Neverendum.

AhDinnaeKen is proud to reveal the new slogan:

INDEPENDENCE WITHIN THE UNITED KINGDOM“.

Hailed as a hard hitting winner encapsulating the intellectual might of Scotland’s most formidable politician, the slogan is expected to keep Scotland’s people laughing till Autumn 2014.

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Just Say Yes (please) poster #15 – Salmond’s Vanity Project

As the country plods ever closer to finding out nothing about nothing concerning the Neverendum vanity project, AhDinnaeKen issues a gentle warning of what has been, what we have now, and what is to come. Oh joy!

The SNP are refusing to release European legal advise information based on principle – The egg on face principle.

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Running scared of letting people vote no

THE SCVJO have come together with the SNP and UNITED to provide a fall back option for Wee Eck

By Moan McVulpineFresh eyed, bushy tailed and waitin’ for nae change

THE TERM Scottish Council for Voluntary Junkets Organisation (SCVJO) might be unfamiliar – but the chances are they have helped a political party or someone you’ve seen on the telly.

They are the umbrella group for Neverendum questions – all two of them – from “Do you agree that Scotland should be free from imperialist subjugation?”, to “Do you agree that Sun King Alex of Salmond deserves a second chance at staying in his job when the independence vote fails?”

The Scottish Chancer Awards, which are run by the SCVJO, this year recognised the work of Observer Bank Account Hackers, NewsCorp Benevolent Lobbyists, Principled Freedom of Information Request Deniers and Devo Max Fallback Supporters. That’s just a taster.

Why anybudy widnae attack the SCVJO or their collaboraters is beyond me. But that is what Willie Wont-he, the leader of Scotland’s Least Principled party, did recently.

Wont-he is miffed because he didnae get a sniff of Wee Eck’s £10 grand SCVJO junket money to go galavantin across the world on a ‘fact finding’ mission. Maybe he thinks alleged politicians like him have that right. But politics is pointless if it’s not about pals you went to University with. That means SCVJO chief executive Smartin Slime and onybudy else wi’ a bit of influence in Scotland or the global stage, like Goebbels Murdoch or Donald Trumpton.

They should all have their say depending on the size of their chequebook and their potential influence on a blank cheque independent Scotland.

So full marks to the SCVJO for coming together with the Murdochs, Souter’s, vested interests and other rich people to set up CarveupofScotland.org.

The forum say they want corporates and plutocrats to join the debate, not just about independence an independent Scotland but about whether the current set-up is too lefty and not Thatcherite ‘business friendly’ enough.

Who could object? Wont-he, and Lament and Gotyason and 60+ per cent of the Scottish electorate, obviously.

They feel threatened because the SCVJO have already said their pal Wee Eck should have much more power, particularly over how mutual junket money and subsidised canteen money is spent.

Willie Wont-he is particularly incensed that Smartin Slime is sympathetic to having a ‘stay-in your job’ clause on the Neverendum ballot paper for Wee Eck. SCVJO Chairwoman All-lies-son Elliot chided Wont-he saying: “I consider your lies and untruths to be bang on the mark son. Now f**k off and die!”

That’s him telt. But Wont-he is not alone in his concern.

The Lib-Bents, the Tories and Labourers are all determined that Wee Eck should be oot on his ear after the separatist vote inevitably fails. The SNP grass roots are fine wi’ that, it’s the leadership that isnae so share.

The leadership just don’t want it to happen. Having tasted power and associated film premiere type junkets, they want it to continue indefinitely and falling back on a Devo-Max option would certainly help.

COMEDY RELIEF:

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Filed under Moan McVulpine, Opinion, Referendum

The-Hague: We will not let Assalmond leave UK

The Imperialist British Government was last night locked into a people’s sovereignty legal row after it insisted it would not allow Salmyleaks founder Sun King Alex of Assalmond to hold an illegal separatist neverendum

“No, I think that we’ve got a basic discrepancy here between the rule of law versus the rule of Assalmond.” – sovereign Scottish person.

By Itsyer Kuntry

FOREIGNISH SECRETARY Oorwullie The-Hague last night criticised the Big Scottish Cooncil’s decision to offer Mr Assalmond Devo-Max Neverendum immunity.

In language that appeared designed to inflame sporrans and ginger hair, The-Hague warned that ‘people’s sovereignty’ immunity should not be used to harbour alleged illegal Neverendums.

He indicated that ministers did not intend to back down on the issue, warning the stand off would probably end up in court.

Mr Assalmond faces defeat if he dares hold a one question Neverendum in Scotland.

He has been hiding behind a ‘sovereign people’s’ consultation where he faces allegations of being a ‘big feartie’ and a ‘sore loser’.

Supporters fear that, should he hold a one question Neverendum, he would lose big time and have to face an SNP firing squad.

In another twist last night, Mr Assalmond said he would make a public statement regarding why Ian Gieyeadoingson was not beyond smearing.

Relations between the UK and Mr Assalmond’s ego have dipped dramatically, even before the stand off, with the ego accusing Imperialist ministers of acting within the law.

The Unionist Conquistadors had revealed the existence of a little known Section 30 Scotland Act law which reminds the Big Scottish Cooncil of its limitations and incompetence.

Within hours Assalmond said he would have to make a “significant concession” or throw everything to pot and blame the anti-Scottish Scots and English as a diversionary tactic.

Making an announcement on behalf of Assalmond, Joan McCarthyalpine said: “Joan liebt alles an Assalmond, sogar seinen Rettungsring.”

However, The-Hague later said: “We will not allow Mr Assalmond safe passage out of the one question Neverendum, nor is there any ‘sovereign’ basis for us to do so.

“There is no threat here of jam tomorrow. We are talking about an Act of Parliament which stresses it must be used in full conformity with international law.”

He rejected talk of a deal that would see Mr Assalmond hold the Westminster parliament to account.

The-Hague said: “This is the United Kingdom fulfilling its obligations under the Scotland Act to Scotland, a close colony of ginger whingers in so many ways, a thorn in the side of imperialist subjugation.

“Therefore to us it is a simple matter of carrying out our law but, as well as being simple, it is something we must do.

“Besides, there’s nothing funnier than seeing the the scarlet arses of the Nationalists well and truly skelped.”

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Salmylocks and the three Unionist Bugbears

A constitutional fairy tale inspired by Newsnat smear victim and Labouring folk hero Ian Davidson.

Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Section 30? asked smear victim and Labouring folk hero Ian Davidson.

By Daddy Unionist Bugbear

ONCE UPON a time there was a little girl named Salmylocks.

She went for a walk in the sovereign land of Scotland.

Pretty soon she came across a Unionist constitutional hoose.

She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.

At the ballot box in the taxpayer subsidised kitchen there were three bowls of power porridge.

Salmylocks was hungry for power porridge.

She tasted the porridge from the first bowl labelled ‘Full on Independence’.

“This porridge is too hot!” she cried!

So she tasted the porridge from the second bowl labelled ‘Status Quo’

“This porridge is too cold!” she wept.

So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge labelled ‘Devo-Max’.

“Ahhh this porridge is just right!” she said happily and ate it all up. She then began briefing on its importance to the sovereign will of the Scottish people.

After she’d eaten the three Unionist Bugbears’ breakfasts she decided she was feeling a little tired.

While trying to find a suitable bed in the Unionist hoose she ended in breaking everything up.

To cut a Laboured short fairy tale even shorter, the Unionist Bugbears came back to discover that Salmylocks had illegally entered their hoose and destroyed their constitutional seats.

She had also messed up their constitutional beds with an unconstitutional populist agenda of humbug and hypocrisy.

Outraged at such populist liberty taking Daddy Unionist Bugbear bellowed: “The Scottish peoples’ sovereignty is not the same thing as the Scottish Parliament’s sovereignty ya populist porridge stealin’ chancer.

“You urnae gettin the wean’s power porridge – it’s not yours to eat.”

Just then, Salmylocks woke up to the reality of what she had done. She saw the three Unionist Bugbears and screamed to the people for help.

She jumped up and ran out of the constitutional bedroom, down through the kitchen, opened the populist door, and ran away into the Scottish mist.

She was last seen in the highest Courtrooms of Unionistland trying to convince a judge that the Unionist Bugbears were anti-Scottish enemies of the people.

And they all lived unhappily never endum.

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God-Hen Broon warns of dire consequences for Dandy-Max and Beano

Jings crivens help ma’ boab, auld Bufty Broon’s wades in wi’ a prediction o’ doom and gloom for the independence camp. Nae wunner Wee Eck’s got a smile on his face bigger than the banking deficit.

Advice is always the swan song of the passing generation, the quavering high treble of our experiences which we insist upon dedicating to those who come after us. Thanks for nothing God-Hen.

By A’Body’s Wullie

GOD-HEN BROON has launched a scathing attack on the Beano camp, claiming that staying in circulation would lead to higher cover prices and cuts to frontline cartoon characters in the Dandy.

  • God-Hen Broon warns of higher cover prices and deeper numbers of page cuts for DC Thommoson comics
  • Former PM argues that pooling of resources benefits Desperate Danny-Alexander more than Lord Snooty Chancellor
  • Broon also argues that Bash Street Minister Mike Rust-ell will be particularly bad for education and the ‘kids’ in Scotland
  • SNP – “the more Labouring ex-chancellors continue to offer doom and gloom armageddon negativity, the more they will encourage Joan McCarthyalpine to expose the anti-Scots within the nation.”

The former Iraq War Chancellor said the proposals known as Dandy-Max, would “break up the reader union” between the Beano the Dandy the Broons and the rest of the DC Thommoson empire.

It would mean that Wee Eck would be unable to ask Desperate Danny or Lord Snooty for cow pies or catapults leading to the comic being starved of pages, gags and humour.

In his first major intervention for the Yes campaign, the former Labour Bannana Man said there would be a “race to the bottom” of the internet wilderness, with different rates for subscribers and advertisers alike and a higher cover price.

Delivering the annual Donald Dewaraglit lecture at the Edinborrow International Book Festival, Mr Broon warned that the Dandy was in danger of being ‘colonised’ by the Beano and could only expect to suffer decline.

Wee Eck was unavailable for comment as he wis oot ‘playing’ wi’ Soapy Souter and their Wulllie.

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