Tag Archives: alex neil

Official: SNP couldnae organise a piss up in a brewery

Eurocrats suggest that SNP prohibitionists take their pished attempt at booze legislation back to the cludgy where it came fae.

"The greatest humiliation in life, is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it." - E. W. Howe. So much for the competence of oor wid be leaders. Haw haw!

“The greatest humiliation in life, is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it.” – E. W. Howe. So much for the competence of oor wid be leaders. Haw haw!

By Buckfast Commando

HAW HAW! Whit did ah tell ye’s man. Ah’ve been saying it for nearly a year noo man; The Jakey Apartheid Bill wiz gaun doon. man. An’ it huz man, thanks tae the Europrats man. Haw haw!

Doon the drain like yer Bucky when the polis catch ye drinkin’in the park.

The SNP huv seen thur “flagship” legislation burnt like a Butchers Apron at a Kevin Williamsonoforange parade man. Haw haw! Ah’ve nearly racked mah guts up laffin’.

An’ me, a wee neddy bawbag, hauf jaked, mad wi’ it and oot mah tree, ah still saw whit wiz cummin afore they did! Hauf-wits!

Whit diz that tell ye aboot the SNP man? Answers on the back o’ a can o’ super lager tae mah hoose, up the close in Shettleston.

The Europrats huv telt the SNP that thur sanctimonious pish aboot savin’ lifes wiz jist that – a loada unfair competition pish.

The big snobby wurd “disproportionate” wiz used by the Europrats when they gied the SNP a doin ower thur Jakey Apartheid plans.

Me, ah’d caw it tryin’ to crack a nut wi’ a sledgehammer.

Auld Piggy Eyed Patsy Alex Kneel huz been left with this oan his watch by Tricky Dicky’s chief apologist patsy, Auld Nick Sturgeon.

Ah bet he cannae wait tae get the baith o’ thum back when the Neverendum fails.

Haw haw!

Catchye’s later.

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Filed under Culture, CyberNats, Law, Morality

All New Liarwatch 2012 – live on TV, Radio, Red Button and Online

BBC set to launch Liarwatch 2012 exclusively in Scotland for the first time.

The British Brainwashing Corporation have erected a camera in the subsidised canteen to observe lying politicians in their natural habitat.

By Telmy Lyes

WE’RE UNDERWHELMED to announce that Liarwatch returns at the end of October with a really dull old format and location, planned to expose all the worst pantsonfire action of the Autumn.

As if that’s not enough cause for suicide or methadone dose increase, Liarwatch will be followed by the dull old dead series, Salmywatch, in January.

Chris Spotsem, Michaela Strafesem, Martin Guessing-Games and guests will be following all the lies as they happen, broadcasting live from our old location.

And for the first time Liarwatch will be based in Scotland, at one of the most barefaced places to showcase the brazen nature of lies, untruths and deceptions during liar season.

There’ll be hundreds of live shows from the British Brainwashing Corporation’s propaganda machine until the plucky wee Scots aspirations are finally crushed in 2014.

Our Old Location
So what about Liarwatch’s old location? We’ll be based at Whollyrude, in the reeky auld toon of Edinborrow.

It’s one of the worst areas in the UK to experience whopping great barefaced lies designed to deceive the public on a huge separatist scale.

Nestled in an overpriced cludgy and surrounded by overpriced pretentious pseudo-modern architecture, Whollyrude is home to some of the UK’s most prolific liars, from Banff & Buchan Specialists to familiar Govan wide-boys wi’ nae baws.

In the Big Cooncil there are wee fibbers, truth economists, evasive sophists, and barefaced liars – such a parcel of rogues in a nation.

Liars of prey cruise over the cabinet, while sinister media spinners hunt in the undergrowth, and a Yes campaign is home to a family of ex-BBC Tristrams, playfully thick pseudo-pop stars and the dumb but hilariously dangerous Butcher’s Apron Burners.

Join us, we can’t wait to show you. Never has there been such a concentration of barefaced kleptocractic powermongers and liars assembled in one location.

Liarwatch begins on BBC Lie from Tuesday 30th October until the Scottish Sun announces the date of the Neverendum sometime in 2o14.


Filed under Culture, Environment, Treachery

Minimum alcohol pricing in Scotland? The SNP must huv been pished.

Scottish National Party humiliated as the rank amateurs everyone knew they were. Especially when it comes to conducting grown up legislation in government. Haw Haw!

"Art is born of humiliation." - W. H. Auden. What does that mean for those piss artists at the big Whollyrude Cooncil?

“Art is born of humiliation.” – W. H. Auden. What does that mean for those piss artists at the big Whollyrude Cooncil?

By Buckfast Commando

HUV AH no been sayin since May this year that the SNP wur gonnae be gettin their baws pickled and handed back to them in a Buckie boatle man?

Haw Haw! How right wiz ah? Ah’ve been getting weel smashed doon the park wi’ mah pals to celebrate.

Therez nuthin better than laffin et yer supposed betters when they get a richt doin man – nane ah that mad auld c**t Davidson pish ‘doin’ though. This wiz a richt humiliatin public doin fur the SNP man.

We even made a Guy that lukt like piggy eyed patsy Alex Kneel oot ah Buckie boatles and burnt it oan tap ah the swings.

Haw Haw! Onyway. Whit kinda story is this withoot tawkin aboot whit the stushie is aw aboot in the first place.

Jakey Apartheid! Neddy Discrimination! Supermarket Tax Windfall! Minimum Alcohol pricing! Whitever ye want tae caw it man. It’s no happenin man. It’s been pit in the same place as the 20 SNP MPs prediction in 1979. Haw Haw!

Auld Patsy Alex Kneel huz hud tae take the faw for this wan or it would huv made Auld ‘formidable’ Nick Sturgeon luk a lot less than formidable.

It wid ah made her luk like the kinda person that sticks up for hardcore benefit scroungers – eh, haud on a minute.

She’s nuthin but a man wi nae baws onyway man – and Kneel’s nuthin but a pair o’ baws wi’ nae man. They’re baith shite so they ur.

An so wiz her legislation man. Pickin on us pare Jakey’s jist becoz she could.

Onyhoo, the SWA Young Team (Diageo division) are due to rip them later this month man and that will probably be an end tae it.

Whit getz me is this. If ah wee bawbag like me could it see it cummin as far back as March whit kinda hauf-wits diz that make the SNP?

Wurth thinking aboot when it cums to aw they promises they’ve been makin aboot Scotland post isolation day.

Haw Haw! Cyaz later man.

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Filed under Culture, New Bills, Opinion

SNP signal: We’ll stay with nuclear weapons but ban Tories

SNP leader signals new priorities for land of milk and honey come the big day

Alex Kneel signals to the country that anti-Scots will be dealt with in pre-emptive legislation as 'signalled' by his Skintland on Doomsday interview. That's a lot of signalling.

Alex Kneel signals to the country that anti-Scots will be dealt with in pre-emptive legislation as ‘signalled’ by his Skintland on Doomsday interview. That’s a lot of signalling.

By Dayinwhit Ittakes

A SOLEMN League and Covenant for an independent Skintland should explicitly ban Tories from the country, Firstminster Moses Salmond proclaimed yesterday.

The Firstminster said that an independent Skintish constitution should explicitly rule out the hosting of Toxic Tories in all their definitions.

Salmond claimed the proclamation “reinforces” the SNP’s unshakeable opposition to the traitor coined ‘Tartan Tories’ label.

His comments signalled that the SNP are set to rubber stamp debate policy on nuclear weapons and membership of the Conservative party post the ‘big day’.

The SNP said such a move would reinforce the party’s unshakeable opposition to anything which might make neverendum voters waver.

The proposal was unveiled as Nationalists prepared to debate plans to make abortion compulsory for those likely to produce anti-Scots Tory progeny.

Firstminster Moses proclaimed: “As signalled by Alex Kneel, we will bring forth proposals to rid our country of the enemy within through Aborto Nocta and that proclamation will be ratified post 2014.

“The SNP position on this is that for too long oor wee country has been held back by the craven traitorous backstabbing infiltrators intent on denying oor country my legacy and destiny.”

Plans by the SNP leadership to keep Scotland Tory free were hailed as “progressive” by Braveheart Commandos, Polarised Militants, Frothing Cybernats, Butcher’s Apron Burners and Puritan Patriots yesterday.

Members of the Kill the Tories Skintland Coalition welcomed Moses Salmond’s plans for Aborto Nocta but suggested the policy will only deal with the anti-Scots not yet born.

Coalition heidbanger Bella Caledonication said: “While Aborto Nocta is welcome, it does nothing to deal with the real danger of anti-Scots voting against our destiny. The SNP must face up to the real and present danger of a No vote.”

The SNP’s supine acceptance of their leaderships proclamations will go ahead later this month.

Mindless drone, timorous cow’rin beasty Wee Naebudy said: “Labouring Tories, Lib-Dem Tories and Tory Tories – your cairds huv been marked.”

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Filed under Morality, New Bills, Opinion

Abortion to be made compulsory in independent Scotland

Radical new agenda will ensure the patriotic purity of oor great wee faitherland

“Men are generally more careful of the breed of their horses and dogs than of their children.” – William Penn. New SNP legislation will ensure that in a Brave New Scotland this will no longer be the case.

By Termin Nation

SNP MINSTER for Wellbeing, Temperance and Intolerance Alex Kneel has outlined controversial plans to deal with Scotland’s anti-Scots enemy within problem.

Kneel said that advances in political science meant that there was a case for compulsory abortions of expectant mothers who fail a ‘Pregnancy Inquisition’.

Speaking exclusively to Skintland on Doomsday, Kneel categorically stated that the SNP has had enough of anti-Scottish blasphemous sniping at his party from the sidelines.

“There is a definite case to be had for a strategic reduction in anti-Scot numbers throughout the country. Abortion will form part of our flagship plan.” he said.

He would not be drawn on the form of a proposed ‘Pregnancy Inquisition’ but did hint that the father of the unborn child will also be “thoroughly investigated” for impurity of thought.

The newly appointed piggy eyed patsy made his views known after it became clear that the Unionist forces of anti-Scottishness were massing against the Neverendum.

Post-independence, any pregnant mother will undergo rigorous testing based on a series of criteria including wealth, genetics, intelligence and beliefs.

Joan McCarthyalpine is currently in talks with world leading scientists at the forefront of eugenic theory and cloning.

Kneel indicated that he would be relaxed about pregnant women escaping over the border so long as they did not expect to return with their progeny.

“That happened in Nazi Germany where German mothers carrying half-Jewish babies would escape over the border. The faitherland always welcomed their return so long as they returned empty handed.” cooed Kneel.

Previously, Sun King Moses of Salmond has said that he personally is not comfortable with his people unless they ‘think right’.

He signalled to piggy eyed patsy Kneel that he is “pleased” with the proposed appointment of McCarthyalpine as Grand Dame Pregnancy Inquisitor.

He said: “The problem with Scotland is that it is full of anti-Scots. We must anti-breed them out through Aborto Nocta.”

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Filed under Culture, Morality, New Bills

A michty Jakey Apartheid hangover for the SNP

Nasty amoral Eurocrats leave piggy eyed patsy Alex Kneel to clean up the vomit of High Priestess Sturgeon’s minimum pricing vanity project

“Where men build on false grounds, the more they build, the greater the ruin” – Hobbes. So that’s the minimum alcohol pricing dealt with then.

By Buckfast Commando

AH CANNAE help mah sel. Ye shouldnae really laff at they SNP hauf wits, but Haw Haw! Whit did ah tell ye’s back in the day?

Luks like the Buckfast Commando community and their indigenous gettin mad wi’ it culture – onytime, ony place, ony where – is safe fur a while.

An’ it’s aw doon tae they freeloadin’ Euroc**t eejits in Brussels.

Haw haw! Ye’ve goat tae feel sorry for auld piggy eyed patsy Alex Kneel though.

He goat it passed it oan tae him fae the Fat Controller an’ he hud tae pit a braveheart smile oan his face n’ aw.

It seems it’s no jist oor Westminster oppressors and the anti-Scots element that cannae take the SNP seriously.

Spain, Italy, Portugal, and Bulgaria huv aw chipped in and shopped the ‘Scottish region’ tae the Euroc**ts.

They’ve telt them that the Scots huv had their laff, but they want tae grow up a bit and obey the law – Article 34 of the EU Treaty Law.

Y’ken, big boys law, no kiddy oan pretendy Whollyrude Parish Cooncil law. Haw haw!

An’ tae make things wurse, wan ah they ‘ooh la la’ fancy burdz fae abroad – ootside Glesca at least – said the legal challenge is oan the UK because: “the respondents are the UK, not Skintland, because Skintland is a region.”

Ah nearly fell aff mah sate man. SKINTLAND IS A REGION, she sayed. That’s how they Eurobams luk et us – a REGION.

Sum folk might be insulted by that, me – ah nearly pished mahsel. Mind ye, when it comes doon tae it, she can get it right up her wi’ that kinda talk.

Onyhoo. Whit it biles doon tae is this. The Euroc**ts take on board the objections o’ the ither countries, they pay lip service to the Skintland region, an’ then they tell them to get thur pishy wee prohibition legislation tae f**k.

An’ pilin’ in like a juggernugget is the SWA’s Diageo division who ur takin’ the SNP government tae the big Coort on October 23rd.

Aw in, it’s lukkin like curtains fur that ‘progressive’ pish they keep dronin’ oan aboot.

Me, ah’m away tae Lidl tae get sum o’ that extra strength cider that luks like Frosty Jack. An’ then ah’m gonnae get mad wi’ it doon the park wi mah pals.

See ye’s later. Haw Haw!

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SNP get boos over Bulgarian booze

It wiznae jist Sun King Moses of Salmond gettin’ boos the ither day there. It wiz the hale bluddy anti-booze puritan government. Rock on tae the Bulgarian winos wi’ their boozegate pricing challenge.

Bulgarian Finance Minister and staff crush these grapes in the same manner they expect to crush those rebellious Scots Nats’ kiddy on progressive alcohol legislation – underfoot and easy.

By Buckfast Commando

Haw haw! Whit dae ye think man? Jist like ah’ve been predictin’ aw along, the Nats ur gonnae get thur baws pickled legally by the Unionists.

The European Unionists that is. Haw haw. Serves them right ‘n’ aw.

Ah telt them back in the day when teetotallin’ goody two shoes High Priestess Sturgeon pit her bloody Jakey Apartheid manifesto into action.

Ah says tae them, the SWA young team (Diageo) wull gie ye’s a doin for this Jakey discrimination man. Chape high volume voddie makes up a big pairt o’ their profits. Mess wi’ that and expect a slappin.

Of coorse, as is their want, the SNP are arrogant and stupit enough to think they huv things wrapped up wi’ their holier than thou public health argument.

Sorry fur laffin again, but Haw Haw. Ask the deid methadone men whit they think o’ the SNP’s commitment tae saving lifes.

Onyhoo. Accordin tae the Heraldic, a bottle o’ Bulgarian red, at present prices, wull set ye back aroon £3.31. The chapest it’ll sell fur unner the SNP puritan legislation wull be aroon £4.69.

Ah plunkt Economics at the Schill, but even ah ken aboot supply and demand curves – it wid result in thoosans o’ bottles no gettin selt.

Uncompetitive barrier to free trade – or Communism, as some wid caw it – is the accusation the Nats are facin.

And, as ah predictit, it’s aw gonnae end up in legislation delaying coort.

Wait tae Diageo get sterted. Ah wunner whit piggy eyed patsy Alex Kneel is gonnae dae tae get oota this. Whitever it is, it’ll huv to be sumthin smerter than he’s been so far.

Haw haw. Cyas later.

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Filed under Culture, Law, New Bills