Exclusive: Bill Walker to advise Salmond on how to deal with ‘uppity’ women

FED UP of being hectored by hysterical women who don’t know their place, Alex Salmond has taken on new multi-experienced adviser Bill Walker. AhDinnaeKen exclusively reports:

A short, sharp, shock soon brings them back to their senses said Walker to Salmond, yesterday.

A short, sharp, shock soon brings them back to their senses said Walker to Salmond, yesterday.

By Black McEyeDomestic incidents and social order correspondent

LASTMINSTER SALMOND has appointed a new adviser to improve his relations with women.

Fed up of being treated like he was a normal politician by hectoring harridans in the House of Commons, Salmond will now take advise from ‘experienced’ domestic relations expert Bill Walker.

Walker has twenty-eight years experience of keeping women of all ages in their place and is expected to impart his expertise with a series of straightforward practical demonstrations.

Ex-jailbird Walker believes in the determined and direct use of improvisational implements such as air rifles, wire coat hangers and saucepans in order to maintain relations between the sexes.

“Women have to know who’s boss,” said Walker, “otherwise they get ideas above their station. And that’s not good for us men who know what we’re talking about.

“We don’t need pointless interruptions from women unable to behave themselves.

“My short intensive domestic relations course should bring Alex up to speed.”

Walker’s appointment is seen as a move attempting to take the heat out of Salmond’s recent altercation with Anna Soubry MP.

Salmond is expected to undertake the intensive course with Bill to enable him to deal quickly and decisively with the pointless distractions presented by hysterical women in the commons from time to time.

An SNP spokeswummin, who knows her place, said: “There is no place for speaking out of turn against a man in the Hoose Of Commons – and this was an example of Soubry getting ideas above her station. This was the sort of incident which could result in a black eye for Soubry if she tries it again. We’ve got Bill on board now and, with his decades of experience, he knows how to keep these hysterical female types in their place.”





Filed under Diplomacy, Newspeak

11 responses to “Exclusive: Bill Walker to advise Salmond on how to deal with ‘uppity’ women

  1. allanwils

    Very hard to find a Pic of Eck & Bill together, a suspicious mind could think the NATs had tried to erase Bill out of their online History

  2. Alec

    A constituent writes:

    What an absolute legend the man is. I’m proud to have a straight talking individual as my local MP. It couldn’t have been bettered had he walked across the chamber and gave her a right good bitch slapping.

    If this Sandy Milne is married, I hope his wife has a number for a good women’s refuge. Or maybe he’s a

    • Alec

      ** he’s a tim’rous beastie in real life.

      • Jeezus

        Is that quote for real? Got a link?

      • Alec

        Ah, botched the HTML. Here it is in plain form.


      • Alec


        He’s gone up in my estimation (Albeit from a very low base). She’s a truly vile woman a disgrace to the Tory party and public life in general. Strong words, I know, but merited.

        That’s women for you, eh? It might be wrong to do what a real man does, but they deserve it… and it makes the real man even realer.


    • Alec

      And it’s not going to stop.

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