THEY SAY history repeats. And no one knows that better than Scotland’s very ain history graduate Firstminster, Mary Queen of Salmond. AhDinnaeKen poses the question, are we witnessing a post-modern Scottish reformation in reverse? Or is Salmond just a suck up tart, willing to go to bed with anyone with power who isn’t English?
By Buchérs Appron-Burnérre
MARY QUEEN of Salmond issued his strongest appeal to the forces of European Union unity and reformation yesterday.
“Help us”, he cried. “The big bad English are oppressing us with their terrible parliament and archaic imperialism and we need your protection – they are too many for us.
“What’s more”, he wailed, “They’re calling you guys bad names and are kidding themselves on they don’t want to be part of your gang any more.
“We jist want sum o’ that sovereignty the basturt English ur denying us the noo, so that we can gie it to you, so that we don’t huv it in the future either.
“We want reassurance that we’ll still be able to blame ithers when things don’t go oor way. It’s the Nationalist culture y’ken – a tartan weave fabric of grievance, blame and chip on shooder.
“The case for independence rests on a simple but overwhelming truth – we hate the basturt English. And so should you guys.
“If you don’t hate them as much as we dae, then ye’ll no be gettin’ nae fish fae oor waters.
“Think aboot that. Nae mare smokies, fish and chips or cocktail de langoustines in white vino sauce.
“But above all things, we will be yer pal. We think youse ur great. We think yer the greatest thing since the Treaty of Edinburgh was signed by the European Union, Queen Elizabeth I and the Lords of the Congregation – or deep fried Mars bars. Whitever floats yer boat.
“We see a Yes vote as a chance to reverse that treacherous document and bring us back into the fold of European Unification.
“Let me assure you. We urnae Margaret Thatcher. She wis an awfy bad wummin. No that ah’ve got anything against women (wish I could say that wiz reciprocated).
“Thatcher didnae like youse. We dae.
“So gies oor ffrreeddoomm™! Go on. Gie’s it.
“Ye know ye want to. Jist think o’ the fish, the oil and the hot air energy.
“Ah’m yer pal. And if ye’ll no be oor pal, then there’s always Vladimir Putin.
“He wid soon sort ye’s oot if ah gave him the nod.
“So let us in – assuming we achieve oor ffrreeddoomm™ – or yer no gettin’ the fish.
“How civic’s that? Eh?”