To a Falkirk Playwright

Written by Longshanker after he had just witnessed the televised chip on shooder parochialism of Falkirk’s ain wee playwright, Alan Bissett, on Scotnicht. When asked who “Person of the Year” was, he replied, “Nicola Sturgeon”. Weel din parochialism sark. The two wummin guests plumped for Nelson Mandela and Mulala Yusuf respectively – people with a global, inspirational, impact. Bissett chose Sturgeon because she put two saft Scottish secretaries of state to the sword on the telly. Parochial? In mah sma’ toon we caw that “insular” and “myopic”. Weel din son – yer cheque’s in the post.

Alan Bissett: No so much a chip on both shooders. Mair a bag o' tatties on each - fir balance, ye understand.

Alan Bissett: No so much a chip on baith shooders. Mair a bag o’ tatties on each – fir balance, ye understand.

To a Falkirk Playwright – by Longshanker Burns

Wee, stupit, myopic, parochial playwright
O, how cringeworthy yer turn on #Scotnight
Thou need tae look within yersel’
Wi’ insular prattle
Thur’s a bigger world oot there
Than the Indy battle

I’m truly sorry Indy’s dominion
Has broken yer world social union
An’ justifies that insular opinion
Which makes thee startle
At limitations, of my Scots-born companion
An’ fellow immortal

I doubt na, whyles, but thou may grieve
What then? poor playwright, I must believe
Thou is obsessed wi’ Nationalist cheve
Like a sma’ toon, provincial virgin
Person o’ the year? Nicola Sturgeon!?

It made me laff, ho ho, ha ha.
How limited and insular, compared to Mandela
Or the wee brave lassie, shot in the heid
By religious oppressors, who left her for deid
Ye’ could argue it wiz a telly boob
But it made ye luk like a small toon tube.




Filed under Media, Opinion

2 responses to “To a Falkirk Playwright

  1. Ali-Baba

    Scotland has always been a country of myth.The collective need of the people,for reassurance and identity,has the consequence of creating a fantasy country based upon idealised self-representation.

    • Thankyou Ali-Baba

      Indeed. It’s just that the mythic collective narrative being peddled by the alleged ‘inclusive’ Nationalists is actually rather divisive with a hint of a nasty undercurrent thrown in for bad measure.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s