Towel folding Chancer’s recent announcement to penalise the long term jobless for their wilful idleness will have several beneficial economic offshoots, according to absolutely nobody. AhDinnaeKen investigates:
By Hardquore Scrownjar
THE LONG term unemployed are to be punished in order to drive key economic indicators for the Benevolent Tories it has been claimed.
Chancer of the Exchequer, Gideon Richborne, is set to announce a range of punishments for the plebs of society later this afternoon at the Tory Tory Tory conference.
Richborne will promise an exponential increase in misery, poverty, humiliation, despair, suicide and crime.
The long term unemployed haven’t been stigmatised enough according to the Bullingdon Chancer and this populist measure is expected to increase his party’s election chances in 2015.
The £300 million “Help Us to Get Elected” package will see 200,000 assorted low-lifes, illiterates, drug addicts and reprobates given no other choice than to do what their Conservative betters tell them.
And the measure is expected to have the added benefit of keeping the lowly paid in line in order to boost their superiors bank balance.
According to Conservative Bankers for Business spokesperson, Hartless B’Stard, the move will have several societal benefits for the Tory Party.
He said: “Driving the benefits bill down means that we can also drive wages down in the full knowledge that nobody will give up their shitty and soul destroying low-paid job in case they fall into our hands. Result!”
It is also expected that people losing their benefit will engage in entrepreneurial activities such as hanging themselves, overdosing, mugging old grannies, casual theft, prostitution and aggravated burglary.
People placed on the new scheme will have to wear a yellow star on their shoulder so that decent hard working voters can instantly identify them.
“This something for nothing virus has spread through our society like a cancer” said a random pub bore.
“Gideon has the right idea. For every pleb he can get off benefits, that’s another free bottle of bolly for the next Tory party conference. Hurrah for our poshboy social superiors.”