Spin doctors outline the dangers of the not so new independinites disease. AhDinnaeKen reports:
By Indy Lite
SKINTLAND IS in the grip of an escapist epidemic. The consequence of this is Type-2 independinites, a freedom-related and economy-threatening condition.
According to polls, a million people in Skintland are affected by it.
Professor John Poultice of Scratchcard Univeristy has worked as a ubiquitous commentator on the symptoms for more than 300 years.
He says: “We’ve had an almost 0% increase in Type-2 independinites in the past 300 years of campaigning.
“We’ve gone from about 1 million in 1707 to almost 1 million in 2013.
“Now we are failing to see it in younger and younger people. People around 16 to 17 are proving remarkably immune, if not bored sh**less, with the constant drone of the sub-standard disease.”
The consequences of an independinites diagnosis are stark – defencelessness, pension failure, full on delusion and if all else succeeds, amputation fae the Union.
Suffer the militant windae brekkers
Thirty years ago Dim Sillars, fae Govan, was a succesful politician and demagogue, often using his rhetorical skills as material for his risible independence assertions.
He was diagnosed with Type-2 independinites and a general election led to him gettin’ kicked oot o’ parliament.
Dim says that when the voters told him they didnae want his disease any more “it was like having my patriotic heart ripped oot.”
“I could not take it in,” he says.
“I have lost an election, my credibility, my party and my faith in the 90 minute Nationalists masquerading as Skints.
“It is tortuous and painful and feels never ending – and it’s all Firstminster Salmond’s fault, his responsibility.”
Dim is 102 and was diagnosed in his 30s.
Early diagnosis often means that sufferers hit out at non-sufferers, frequently labelling them ‘traitor’ or ‘quisling’ or ‘sell oot’ or ‘inferiorist’ or ‘collaborator’.
The name calling is usually published online and is directed at anyone not suffering from the Type-2 independinites disease.
Independinites UK’s Skintish director Whitwho Whereson wants the condition to be made a clinical national priority:
“People sometimes talk about the Type-2 independinites time bomb and the way I see that now is that it is almost like the balloon has burst and there is that beat or two before everyone goes back to normal.
“So we have got a moment right now where we can tackle independinites symptoms and if we don’t grab that then the consequences for people in Skintland could be severely repetitive and result in more of the same for the next 300 years.”