Official: Women to be bribed to vote Yes

No one in Skintland is quite sure why women are turned off in such large numbers by our svelte and handsome Firstminster and his Indy vanity project. Maybe, like his surrogate mum/wife, women see him for the type of guy who would cheat at Scrabble if he thought it would let him win. AhDinnaeKen investigates:

Beauty and the Independent Beast: A fairy tale cooked up in the feverish mind of a star struck stalker, Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon.

Beauty and the Independent Beast: A fairy tale cooked up in the feverish mind of a star struck stalker, Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon.

By Starr Strukk
WOMEN WHO vote for Independence will be able to watch Borgen to their heart’s content according to Deputy Miss Leader Sturgeon.

The Pantsonfire fighter is set to make a direct appeal to women as a spoiler to Gordon Bufty Broon’s hamfisted attempts today at keeping the Skints subjugated to their imperial masters.

In her keynote speech in Glasgone, Deputy Miss Leader will argue that “crazy” Skintish women will be mollified by the offer of free Borgen box sets for every woman prepared to pledge their vote for Independence.

She said: “It’s too easy for women to remain sceptical of the more outlandish claims made by myself, my leader and my party.

“But anyone who passed up on the opportunity to gain a free Borgen box set for the sake of an X on a piece of paper, well, you’d have to be crazy to miss out on an opportunity like that.”

The Deputy Miss Leader, who recently embarked on a disturbingly stalker like campaign to meet her idol and heart-throb, Birgitte Nyborg, is convinced that Borgen box sets will do the trick for Indy.

A recent FOI request by Unionist Better Together newspaper, the Glasgone Herald, revealed that Miss Leader Sturgeon acted like a teenager on Haribo in order to meet her small screen idol.

In one email, Ms Sturgeon is reported to have offered to do cartwheels while singing Land of Hope and Glory, to get to meet the TV star.

Another email stated: “Skintland’s business can go sail up the Clyde for a day for the chance to meet you, my precious.”

Ms Sturgeon, believes the offer of free box sets will be the much needed ‘game changer’ required to reignite the damp dull squib the Indy campaign has become.

But the evil Tory Tories are believed to have a ‘spoiler’ up their sleeves.

Tory Tory MSP Alex Saint Johnstone said: “Borgen was a load of jumped up pretentious socialist pish masquerading as credible fiction.

“What we have to offer for our female Skintland voters is much better and it’s based on real reality: “Maggie Thatcher: U-Turned Our Stomachs”.

“This is what the Skints want – Grievance confirmation combined with a collective chip on shooder narrative.

“This video will do more for Indy than a jumped up rasher of Borgen ever could.”

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