If you love falsehood but struggle to find time to swallow it every day, then allow Salmy to introduce you to a revolutionary way of cooking the books. In 30-Minute Meals-O’-It he shows you how to make a dog’s breakfast of governmental competence, add bitter evasive asides and even finish by makin’ a pudding o’ hissel’ in the time you’d normally spend on one overblown pish. What you’ll be able to achieve in 30 minutes will absolutely blow your credibility!
By Salmy Oliver-Twistit
SALMY IS a big fan of marinated parliamentery assertions. They’re at they’re best when swallowed whole because they taste bitter when chewed wi’ the fat.
It’s a myth that it’s a struggle to get enough false ingredients into an already unpalatable dish.
Take Swindley’s Kitchen Nightmares. Hitting the recommended five portions of fruity vegetation a day, his future timely concerns get roundly trashed by Salmy’s more facile approach to ‘cooking the books’ in 30 minutes o’ FMQs.
While Swindley prefers a careful approach, working with deficits and the appliance of incisive hidden cuts, Salmy jumps right in using any ingredients to hand including bluster, assertion, evasion and a guid conceit o’ hissel’.
AhDinnaeKen presents Salmy’s Bubble and Squeak
- Mix your leftover stramash in a plasticine parliament with your MSP cabbages, or other vegetables and add bluster to taste.
- Heat some scrutiny in a frying pan (it used to be lard, but you’re not allowed to call Salmy fat these days) and put the MSP potato-cabbage mix in, and mix-it-up wi’ a slice of evasion added to the opposition vegetables.
- The mixture may start to bubble and squeak – but all you have to do is give it time to go brown on the underside, before flipping it over and proclaiming it as a new figurative budget meal which will – when eaten independently – taste like milk and honey.
You can serve these unpalatable scraps like hashed brown with a cooked book breakfast, or have it for lunch with some civil servant leeks. It can also be chewed over, as it was in the plasticine parliament, as a right old pickle.
There’s nowt like it. We ‘cook the books’ differently here.