Salmy’s 30 minute meals

If you love falsehood but struggle to find time to swallow it every day, then allow Salmy to introduce you to a revolutionary way of cooking the books. In 30-Minute Meals-O’-It he shows you how to make a dog’s breakfast of governmental competence, add bitter evasive asides and even finish by makin’ a pudding o’ hissel’ in the time you’d normally spend on one overblown pish. What you’ll be able to achieve in 30 minutes will absolutely blow your credibility!

Salmy's 30 Minute Meal O'It. Cook the Books wi' ingredients such as evasion, bluster, falsehood, denial and lies.

Salmy’s 30 Minute Meal O’It. Cook the Books wi’ ingredients such as evasion, bluster, falsehood, denial, accusation and barefaced lies.

By Salmy Oliver-Twistit

SALMY IS a big fan of marinated parliamentery assertions. They’re at they’re best when swallowed whole because they taste bitter when chewed wi’ the fat.

It’s a myth that it’s a struggle to get enough false ingredients into an already unpalatable dish.

Take Swindley’s Kitchen Nightmares. Hitting the recommended five portions of fruity vegetation a day, his future timely concerns get roundly trashed by Salmy’s more facile approach to ‘cooking the books’ in 30 minutes o’ FMQs.

While Swindley prefers a careful approach, working with deficits and the appliance of incisive hidden cuts, Salmy jumps right in using any ingredients to hand including bluster, assertion, evasion and a guid conceit o’ hissel’.

AhDinnaeKen presents Salmy’s Bubble and Squeak

  • Mix your leftover stramash in a plasticine parliament with your MSP cabbages, or other vegetables and add bluster to taste.


  • Heat some scrutiny in a frying pan (it used to be lard, but you’re not allowed to call Salmy fat these days) and put the MSP potato-cabbage mix in, and mix-it-up wi’ a slice of evasion added to the opposition vegetables.


  • The mixture may start to bubble and squeak – but all you have to do is give it time to go brown on the underside, before flipping it over and proclaiming it as a new figurative budget meal which will – when eaten independently – taste like milk and honey.

You can serve these unpalatable scraps like hashed brown with a cooked book breakfast, or have it for lunch with some civil servant leeks. It can also be chewed over, as it was in the plasticine parliament, as a right old pickle.

There’s nowt like it. We ‘cook the books’ differently here.

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Filed under Economy, Newspeak

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