Pensioners: 50% cull ‘necessary to protect independent Scotland’

Leaked document shows radical rethink on Nationalist pension strategy for post independence Scotland.

Pensioner Cull

By Pare Meeh

AROUND HALF of Scotland’s growing pensioner population needs to be shot each year to prevent Scotland from becoming too wee, too poor and too stupit, according to an anonymous Scottish Finance secretary.

A study published in the Journal of Embarrassing Leaked Documents says this would keep the economy stable.

The pensioner population is currently estimated at around 916,232.

It is expected to rise by another  551,200 by the year 2035.

Researchers from the University of SNP Assertions suggest creating a lampshade market to make a cull ethically and economically acceptable.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pensioners (RSPCP) commented that any cull must be carried out in a humane and controlled way.

There are now more pensioners in Scotland than at any time since the last wholesale gas price increase.

In the absence of natural economics pensioner populations are continuing to expand, threatening bankers bonuses and corporate vested interests.

Dr Heinreich Cullemall, economics ecologist at the University of SNP Assertions said: “We know pensioners are eating us out of house and home.

“Pensioners are implicated as the major cause of unfavourable economic conditions in terms of output, productivity and benefits.

“There is evidence that pensioners reduce the number of freeloading SNP list MSPs – especially some of our much loved chip on shooder ‘slaves’ such as Dave Raspberry.”

The new research suggested that only by killing 50% to 60% of pensioners can their numbers be kept under reasonable economically sustainable control.

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Filed under Economy, New Bills, Newspeak

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