People feel older under SNP government

Doing things differently, being progressed and being bombarded with the most accurate answers ever given in parliament, has resulted in the Scottish population feeling twice as old as they actually are.

"This change to the parliamentary record is as accurate a lie as anyone has ever given to parliament" laughed Swindley as he helped stick the knife in Rust-ell's and Tricky Dicky Salmond's back.

The SNP react to the news that Labour supporters die every day.

By Dec Repitt

SCOTTISH CITIZENS feel older than any population in the world, last year’s census results reveal.

And it’s all thanks to the SNP government who have made the past 5 years feel like 500.

The survey showed people over the age of 30 now feel they are at least 60 years old thanks to having to listen to Wee Eck’s inclusive chuckle.

That compares to 40 and 50 year olds who are demonstrating symptoms similar to senility, alzheimers, frailty and passive inactivity.

The prospect of a Neverendum timebomb emerged as political pundits began sinking their ‘bookie’ money into a humiliating result for Tricky Dicky Salmond in the Autumn of 2014.

Acting Registrar Major Audrey Robberson said: “The symptoms are mostly due to the monotonous drone emanating from Whollyrude that Westminster is bad SNP good.

“You might have initially agreed with it, but after a while it becomes boring and then its relentlessness starts making you feel terminally old.”

The census also showed that since 2007 in Scotland there are nearly eight times as many people now feeling over the age of 80.

Decrepit decaying venerable antiquated SNP spokesperson Wee Naebudy said: “We hope to have bored the age groups most likely to vote No to death by 2014.

“Like everything we do, it’s a bit desperate and made up on the hoof, but hey when you’re stuck in a corner with nowhere to run, you have to do something.”

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